No one’s having sex . . .

Marjot

 “Where should we begin?” 

So often, the answers sound like so:

1. “We still love each other but we have no sex . . . How do we get the spark back?”
2. “Sex is really important to me, but it just doesn’t seem important to my partner.”
3. “We have two kids, two jobs. We’re too busy, too tired, too stressed.”
4. “My partner is neurodivergent and we have a hard time talking about sex.”
5. “There’s so much pressure around it. It’s not enjoyable.”
6. “I’m tired of being rejected.”
7. “We’re too young to be in a relationship with no sex when, in truth, we both want it.” 

SEX IS RARELY JUST SEX

Sexlessness is often the moment when people come to talk to me about the emotional desert they’re in. 

Talking about sex includes delving into: 

• Closeness
• Loneliness
• Intimacy
• Trust
• Body image
• Wounding
• Gender roles
• Feeling remembered and that you matter
• Desire and being desired
• Pleasure and permission to feel good

It’s all of that under the word sex. 

There’s always more to the story. 

 

IS THIS NORMAL?

It’s completely normal for people who like sex to go through sexless spells. 

And it’s incredibly common for people to walk into my office claiming that a desire discrepancy is “the big problem” they’ve come to “fix.”

• First, I encourage them to think of it not as a problem but as an alert that something else is going on.

• Second, I let them know that we’re going to address both—the obstacles that are keeping them stuck and what sex means for them.

• Third, I assure them that we’re not only going to talk about the sex they’re not having; we’re also going to talk about the sex they want to be having . . . and that’s a lot more fun. This is especially true if you have tools and exercises that take the pressure off, enable you to plumb the depths of your erotic mind, and teach you how to say what you want—and then ask for more.

LET’S GO DEEPER TOGETHER

I’ve long said that sex is not just something you do; it’s a place you go—inside of yourself and with another or others. 

It is never too late to remove sexual blocks and to become more playful, erotic, and alive.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

In our sexual preferences lie our deepest emotional needs. 

Where do you go in sex?

1. Is it a place you go for connection?
2. For surrender?
3. For dominance?
4. Transcendence?
5. Spiritual union?
6. Fun?
7. Is it a place to be naughty?
8. To escape responsibility and good citizenship?

Take a few moments now to reflect on these questions. 

Write them down, if you’d like.

Esther Perel