How C-PTSD differs from PTSD

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) is a mental health condition that develops in response to trauma. It is similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but it is a syndrome that may develop in the case of people experiencing chronic repetitive trauma.

The symptoms of PTSD and C-PTSD overlap in many ways, but some symptoms exist with C-PTSD that are not commonly seen with PTSD, such as negative self-concept, affect dysregulation, and difficulty maintaining relationships.

What Is Complex PTSD?

Complex PTSD is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder that develops after a prolonged traumatic event such as captivity or abuse that occurs over a period of months or years.

People with complex PTSD have many of the symptoms of PTSD but may experience different, more severe symptoms as well. Other, related diagnostic categories include:

1. Enduring personality change after catastrophic experience (EPCACE)
2. Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified (DESNOS)

Symptoms of Complex PTSD

Because the symptoms of C-PTSD overlap greatly with PTSD, it's important to know the symptoms of both.

Separate But Similar

"Approximately 92% of people with C-PTSD also meet the criteria for PTSD."

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs - Complex PTSD - PTSD

PTSD Symptoms

To be diagnosed with PTSD, a person must experience symptoms that last for longer than a month and cause significant distress or complications with aspects of their daily life such as work and relationships.

Symptoms usually begin within three months following the traumatic event, but they can begin later. Symptoms can last months or even years and must be unrelated to medication, substance use, or other illness.

Symptoms of PTSD fall into four categories:

1 - Intrusion

• Intrusive thoughts such as repeated, involuntary memories
• Distressing dreams
• Flashbacks of the traumatic event

More Than a Memory

Flashbacks are not just recalling the event as a memory, but also re-experiencing the feelings the person felt during the trauma. Sometimes during a flashback, people feel they are re-living the traumatic experience or seeing it before their eyes.3

2 - Avoidance

• Avoiding people, places, activities, objects, and situations that may trigger distressing memories of the trauma
• Trying to avoid thinking about the traumatic event
• Hesitant to talk about what happened or how they feel about it

3 - Changes in cognition and mood

• Difficulty remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
• On-going and distorted beliefs about oneself or others such as “I am bad," or “No one can be trusted”
• Distorted thoughts about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event
• Wrongly blaming themselves or others for the trauma
• Ongoing fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame
• Significant decrease in interest in activities previously enjoyed
• Feeling detached or estranged from others
• Being unable to experience positive emotions such as happiness or satisfaction

4 - Changes in arousal and reactivity

• Irritability
• Angry outbursts
• Self-destructive or reckless behavior
• Being overly aware of their surroundings, subconsciously looking for danger (hyperarousal)
• Being easily startled
• Difficulty concentrating
• Problems with sleep
• Suicidal Thoughts Can Happen With PTSD and C-PTSD

C-PTSD Symptoms

In addition to the symptoms of PTSD, people with C-PTSD may also experience:

• Difficulty regulating emotions: This may manifest as persistent sadness, thoughts of suicide, explosive or inhibited anger, and other feelings of being out of control of their emotions.
• Negative self-perception: People with C-PTSD may have feelings of helplessness, shame, guilt, and stigma. They may feel like they are different from everyone else.
• Distorted perceptions of the perpetrator: They may become preoccupied with their relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
• Difficulties with relationships: People with C-PTSD may isolate themselves from others, distrust others, or repeatedly search for a rescuer.
• A loss of a system of meanings: This may include a loss of faith, a loss of hope, or a loss of core values and beliefs.

Risk Factors for C-PTSD

The research into C-PTSD as a unique condition is ongoing and incomplete. While some of the differences between PTSD and C-PTSD are commonly accepted, further research is needed to determine others, such as the effectiveness of specialized treatment for C-PTSD.

Both PTSD and C-PTSD are caused by trauma, but while PTSD is generally triggered by a traumatic event such as a car accident, isolated assault, or natural disaster, C-PTSD develops after a person endures prolonged, repeated trauma.

With long-term trauma, a person is usually under control—physically or emotionally—of another person for an extended period of time, without means of escape.

Some examples of this type of trauma include:

1. Concentration camps
2. Prisoner of war (POW) camps
3. Prostitution brothels
4. Long-term domestic violence
5. Long-term child physical abuse
6. Long-term child sexual abuse
7. Organized child exploitation rings

There is evidence to suggest that repeated exposure to racism causes lasting traumatic effects for Black people, Indigenous people, and people of color. More research is being conducted to determine how to categorize this trauma.

Proponents of C-PTSD originally focused on childhood trauma, but research now suggests that the duration of the traumatic exposure is more strongly linked to C-PTSD than the age at which it occurred.

While more research is needed, some factors that potentially increase the risk of C-PTSD include:

1. Experiencing trauma at an early age
2. Escape or rescue from the traumatic situation was unlikely or impossible
3. Experiencing multiple traumas
4. Harm caused by someone close to the person

Diagnosis

The World Health Organization designates C-PTSD as a condition related to but separate from PTSD in its 11th revision of the International Disease Classification (ICD-11; 6). 

In order to receive a diagnosis of complex PTSD under ICD 11, a person first needs to meet the criteria for PTSD, along with these additional symptoms:

1. Severe problems in affect dysregulation
2. Problems maintaining relationships
3. Persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished accompanied by feelings of shame, or failure associated with the triggering trauma

C-PTSD is not included in the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) as a disorder.

The American Psychiatric Association determined there was not enough evidence to conclude that the additional symptoms of C-PTSD were distinct enough from the symptoms of PTSD to warrant its own designation. Instead, the DSM-5 includes some of the distinct symptoms of C-PTSD under the criteria for PTSD.

Classification:

PTSD: Included in the DSM-5 and the ICD-11

C-PTSD: Included in the ICD-11 only

Heather Jones

UM POUCO SÓ DE GOYA: CARTA A MINHA FILHA

rawpixel

Lembras-te de dizer que a vida era uma fila?

Eras pequena e o cabelo mais claro,

mas os olhos iguais. Na metáfora dada

pela infância, perguntavas do espanto

da morte e do nascer, e de quem se seguia

e porque se seguia, ou da total ausência

de razão nessa cadeia em sonho de novelo.

Hoje, nesta noite tão quente rompendo-se

de junho, o teu cabelo claro mais escuro,

queria contar-te que a vida é também isso:

uma fila no espaço, uma fila no tempo,

e que o teu tempo ao meu se seguirá.

Num estilo que gostava, esse de um homem

que um dia lembrou Goya numa carta a seus

filhos, queria dizer-te que a vida é também

isto: uma espingarda às vezes carregada

(como dizia uma mulher sozinha, mas grande

de jardim). Mostrar-te leite-creme, deixar-te

testamentos, falar-te de tigelas — é sempre

olhar-te amor. Mas é também desordenar-te à

vida, entrincheirar-te, e a mim, em fila descontínua

de mentiras, em carinho de verso.

E o que queria dizer-te é dos nexos da vida,

de quem a habita para além do ar.

E que o respeito inteiro e infinito

não precisa de vir depois do amor.

Nem antes. Que as filas só são úteis

como formas de olhar, maneiras de ordenar

o nosso espanto, mas que é possível pontos

paralelos, espelhos e não janelas.

E que tudo está bem e é bom: fila ou

novelo, duas cabeças tais num corpo só,

ou um dragão sem fogo, ou unicórnio

ameaçando chamas muito vivas.

Como o cabelo claro que tinhas nessa altura

se transformou castanho, ainda claro,

e a metáfora feita pela infância

se revelou tão boa no poema. Se revela

tão útil para falar da vida, essa que,

sem tigelas, intactas ou partidas, continua

a ser boa, mesmo que em dissonância de novelo.

Não sei que te dirão num futuro mais perto,

se quem assim habita os espaços das vidas

tem olhos de gigante ou chifres monstruosos.

Porque te amo, queria-te um antídoto

igual a elixir, que te fizesse grande

de repente, voando, como fada, sobre a fila.

Mas por te amar, não posso fazer isso,

e nesta noite quente a rasgar junho,

quero dizer-te da fila e do novelo

e das formas de amar todas diversas,

mas feitas de pequenos sons de espanto,

se o justo e o humano aí se abraçam.

A vida, minha filha, pode ser

de metáfora outra: uma língua de fogo;

uma camisa branca da cor do pesadelo.

Mas também esse bolbo que me deste,

e que agora floriu, passado um ano.

Porque houve terra, alguma água leve,

e uma varanda a libertar-lhe os passos.

Ana Luísa Amaral

Novelty Is A Powerful Aphrodisiac

 

I have always craved new experiences. 

I adore new plays and new music. 

I love a party full of strangers. 

I like traveling to new places and learning new languages. 

I enjoy hearing about new topics—and new perspectives on old topics even more. 

Sure, I love the coziness of familiarity, who doesn’t? 

But too much of it and I start to wilt. Even during a quiet night in, I find myself asking questions of my husband with hope of hearing new stories. 

And I often do.

‍Novelty is a powerful aphrodisiac. 

In long-term relationships especially, cultivating novelty—whether through stories or experiences—is key for sustaining passion. Maintaining a sense of mystery and surprise helps counteract the routine and repetition that can sometimes lead to a decline in desire over time. 

Novelty breeds testosterone, it sparks your curiosity, encourages exploration, and shows that even this person who is so known to you is still somewhat unknown, with untold dreams, longings, silliness, and surprises.

When you learn something new about your partner—whether it’s funny and surprising or vulnerable and deep—you experience a stimulating contradiction: “rencontrer” and remembrance. (Unsurprisingly, it takes me a little French and a little English to describe it best.)

“Rencontrer” is a meeting with the new. 

Remembrance is the comfort of recognition. 

Experiencing your partner as known and familiar, and yet still elusive and mysterious, creates a highly Erotic tension. Sharing new stories is a great way to evoke this. 

But too often, partners settle into the tired prompts: 

How was your day? 

How was work? 

What do you want for dinner? 

Did you go to the gym? (And we wonder why we complain about boredom.) 

I say: Change prompts, get new stories:

• “I was never the same after…”

• “A text message I fantasize receiving…”

• “A dream I’ve never shared…”

• “I feel most free when…”

• “If I could whisper in the ear of my eighteen-year-old self…”

• “I’ll never regret…”

I think what holds many of us back from trying new things with our partners is the inherent vulnerability of it. We all fall into routines because they’re convenient and efficient but also because they have known outcomes and little chance of rejection. Rewatching your comfort show, going to your tried and true date spot, assuming the same sexual position because it reliably gets the job done—these all give us peace of mind but no new territory to explore.

‍Asking new questions takes us to new places. 

And if it feels too vulnerable, awkward, or risky, remember to be playful with it. 

Play is a container for permission to be vulnerable. 

Play is when risk is safe and fun. 

It invites us to be bold, daring, subversive, sneaky, teasing. 

It’s why people play spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven. 

Bring that energy into the conversation. The person you meet may surprise you.

Let’s Turn The Lens On You

Liked the prompts in my letter? Here’s a few more to try:

• When I hear the word forbidden, the first thing that comes to mind is… 

• The person that taught me the most about love… 

• The part of my parents that I am most afraid of becoming…  

• The most unexpected compliment I ever received… 

• The weirdest place I’ve had sex… 

• A lie I am tempted to tell about myself is…

Esther Perel

A rocky shore resists the pounding of the sea

 

On April 23rd, 2024 we have a Full Moon at 4° Scorpio.

The Full Moon is square its own ruler, Pluto (at 2° Aquarius). Power struggles, hidden agendas, or subconscious desires may come to the surface.

The Full Moon will expose the less obvious ways that our fears, resentment, or emotional baggage are holding us back from truly ‘going for it’, from truly breaking free and embracing new possibilities.

Full Moon In Scorpio Square Pluto

With Pluto squaring the luminaries from Aquarius, there’s an element of social scrutiny or pressure at play. Many times, the reason why we don’t go for what we want and live our dreams is that we are terrified of what other people think.

What would they say if they found who we really are?

It’s like that if others were to find out who we really are – the good – but especially the bad and the ugly – then everything we’re trying to hide, from others but also ourselves, would come back to haunt us. That which is seen and exposed can no longer be avoided; it needs to be dealt with.

We all have a dark side. The ‘dark side’ is Scorpio’s territory. Scorpio is the still, dark waters.

As a fixed, water sign, Scorpio holds on (fixed) to emotions (water) like a deep reservoir.

Scorpio is all the unprocessed stuff in our inner landscape, waiting to be alchemized. When we process our feelings, transformation happens. Transformation, alchemy and self-mastery are the highest expressions of Scorpio.

But what we often do when we have an intense emotional experience is that we don’t process it right away.

If someone upsets us, we don’t confront them, basically avoiding the discomfort of an intense emotional exchange. We might not say anything to their face, but to release the tension, we then talk behind their backs. We resent them.

We try to get back at them, in conscious or unconscious ways. We say things with hidden meanings, attempting to manipulate the situation or their perception of us.

Full Moon In Scorpio - Manipulation Vs. Loyalty

And here we have the 2 extremes of Scorpio – manipulation and loyalty.

Manipulation happens when we run away from the emotional confrontation – with ourselves, and others. The opposite of manipulation is loyalty.

When we’ve done our fair share of transformation, we are capable of holding space for others too. We understand when someone struggles to live up to their best selves – and we are not terrified, or put off by it. We stand by them.

Out of all the virtues in the world, loyalty is one of the most precious. Loyalty is earned, and it often takes a lot of time to earn it. But the trust and support that loyalty bring are absolutely worth it.

Not all of us have been provided with loyalty models. When our own parents or caregivers are not loyal to us, it’s difficult to even understand what loyalty means because we don’t have a reference framework.

Lack of loyalty in our early lives can lead to dissimulative behaviors, dysfunctional relationships, and overall confusion in life.

These dissimulative behaviors (rooted in a lack of trust and loyalty) often lead to social anxiety and a lack of clarity and purpose.

We can go as far as to say that the reason why we don’t evolve and get further in life, the reason why we hesitate to go for what we want and take control of our lives is rooted in a lack of trust and loyalty.

What does it mean to be loyal? To go out with your friend every Saturday night? To answer calls at 3:00 AM? Not necessarily. Many of our ‘loyalties’ are rooted in ‘what’s in it for me’, habit, or transactional relationships ‘I give you this if you give me that’.

Loyalty goes beyond that.

Loyalty is standing for someone’s greater good. Sometimes this means having that emotional confrontation to set things straight.

Someone is loyal to you when they want the best for you. You are loyal to someone when you want the best for them – when you act in the best long-term interests, and stand for the greatest version of themselves.

Loyalty is when people stick up for each other. If someone talks badly about the person you’re loyal to, you stand up for them.

Talking behind someone’s back may seem benign, but it’s fundamentally disloyal. It means the relationship is not built on honest foundations; if 2 people can’t deal with their stuff one-on-one and vent elsewhere, then trust is compromised.

Trust, love, intimacy – all the important things in life – have a common ingredient: loyalty. Scorpio is the sign, by excellence, that strives to embody this very important quality.

At the Full Moon in Scorpio, reflect on what loyalty means to you.

1. How does loyalty – and disloyalty – make you feel? 
2. How other people’s disloyalty may be a reflection of your own disloyalty – and the other way around?

Full Moon In Scorpio - A Rocky Shore Resists The Pounding Of The Sea

The sabian symbol of the Full Moon in Scorpio is “A massive rocky shore resists the pounding of the sea”.

Just as the rocky shore stands firm against the relentless force of the sea, loyalty requires resilience and commitment.

Just like the rocky shore, we too must weather the storms and remain steadfast in our loyalty, anchoring it to what matters most in life: our values, our close relationships, and our dedication to transformation and personal growth.

Astro Butterfly

A praga de Tebas

 E o que quer que eu faça

se torna para sempre o que eu fiz.

Wisława Szymborska

Quando a tragédia começou

o crime já havia sido cometido.

A tragédia era, agora, descobrir o delito

e o culpado.

Eu teria preferido a ignorância.

Tu optaste por indagar contra ti.

O passado é mais forte

que Deus. Ninguém, nem Deus,

pode muda-lo. Somente a memória.

Vais envelhecendo e recordando

tudo aquilo que nunca aconteceu.

Pior que o medo do que vai acontecer

é o terror consciente

do que pode ter acontecido.

Bem-aventurados os que ignoram! Tudo o

que descobrires será um espinho a mais,

uma papoula a menos.

Espera-te o teu passado

como no fruto espera a semente

e na semente um sol que ninguém conhece.

Queres saber a causa da praga de Tebas?

Queres saber quem és? No dia em que souberes

cegar-te-á sabe-lo. Nada de novo.

Nada de novo acontece. Pouco a pouco

vais chegando ao final, vais descobrindo

o que aconteceu no início, ou talvez não.

Nada mais te separa de tua vida.

Nada mais te reserva

tantas surpresas como o teu passado.

Juan Vicente Piqueras

The Lost Art of the Unsent Angry Letter

 "When Lincoln was upset with somebody, 

he would write what he called a 'hot letter,' 

where he would write it all down. 

He would put it aside until his emotions cooled down 

and then write 

'never sent, never signed.'"

Doris Kearns Goodwin

WHENEVER Abraham Lincoln felt the urge to tell someone off, he would compose what he called a “hot letter.” He’d pile all of his anger into a note, “put it aside until his emotions cooled down,” Doris Kearns Goodwin once explained on NPR, “and then write: ‘Never sent. Never signed.’ ” Which meant that Gen. George G. Meade, for one, would never hear from his commander in chief that Lincoln blamed him for letting Robert E. Lee escape after Gettysburg.

Lincoln was hardly unique. Among public figures who need to think twice about their choice of words, the unsent angry letter has a venerable tradition. Its purpose is twofold. It serves as a type of emotional catharsis, a way to let it all out without the repercussions of true engagement. And it acts as a strategic catharsis, an exercise in saying what you really think, which Mark Twain (himself a notable non-sender of correspondence) believed provided “unallowable frankness & freedom.”

(...)

In some ways, little has changed in the art of the unsent letter since Lincoln thought better of excoriating Meade. We may have switched the format from paper to screen, but the process is largely the same. You feel angry. And you construct a retort — only to find yourself thinking better of taking it any further. Emotions cooled, you proceed in a more reasonable, and reasoned, fashion. It’s the opposite of the glib rejoinder that you think of just a bit too late and never quite get to say.

(...)

Though we create a safety net, we may end up tangled all the same. We have more avenues to express immediate displeasure than ever before, and may thus find ourselves more likely to hit send or tweet when we would have done better to hit save or delete. The ease of venting drowns out the possibility of recanting, and the speed of it all prevents a deeper consideration of what exactly we should say and why, precisely, we should say it.

When Lincoln wanted to voice his displeasure, he had to find a secretary or, at the very least, a pen. That process alone was a way of exercising self-control — twice over. It allowed him not only to express his thoughts in private (so as not to express them by mistake in public), but also to determine which was which: the anger that should be voiced versus the anger that should be kept quiet.

Now we need only click a reply button to rattle off our displeasures. And in the heat of the moment, we find the line between an appropriate response and one that needs a cooling-off period blurring. We toss our reflexive anger out there, but we do it publicly, without the private buffer that once would have let us separate what needed to be said from what needed only to be felt. It’s especially true when we see similarly angry commentary coming from others. Our own fury begins to feel more socially appropriate.

We may also find ourselves feeling less satisfied. Because the angry email (or tweet or text or whatnot) takes so much less effort to compose than a pen-and-paper letter, it may in the end offer us a less cathartic experience, in just the same way that pressing the end call button on your cellphone will never be quite the same as slamming down an old-fashioned receiver.

Perhaps that’s why we see so much vitriol online, so many anonymous, bitter comments, so many imprudent tweets and messy posts. Because creating them is less cathartic, you feel the need to do it more often. When your emotions never quite cool, they keep coming out in other ways.

Maria Konnikova

150 Years Before Twitter, Abe Lincoln Discovered How to Avoid Getting Angry on Social Media. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin explains Abraham Lincoln's strategy to keep his cool.

"I couldn't help myself. I was just venting." This excuse has led to countless examples of business professionals who have seen their reputations damaged or careers destroyed after venting their anger with an ill-timed social media post.

According to one survey in Psychology Today, 46 percent of Twitter users say they often tweet as a way to deal with anger or to vent--for political or professional reasons. They say it makes them feel better.

They're partly right. Social psychologists say anger is the most contagious emotion and the most likely to go viral. "Humans are social creatures who are easily influenced by the anger and rage that are everywhere these days,"  psychiatrist Richard Friedman recently wrote in the New York Times.

Anger engages the amygdala and produces a rush of stress hormones that makes it hard for all of us to dial down on our emotions. But just because you have an emotion doesn't mean you have to tweet about it.

Abraham Lincoln had a brilliant tactic to dial down his anger during the Civil War, a time when the country wasn't just divided--the house was "on fire," according to historian Doris Kearns Goodwin's new book, Leadership in Turbulent Times.

Lincoln spent a lifetime on self-improvement. He realized that transformational leaders had more emotional self-control than other people. Yes, Lincoln got very angry very frequently. But while everyone around him was losing their cool, Lincoln kept his--at least outwardly--with a tactic he called "Never signed and never delivered."

He stood out by appearing calm, cool, and collected. Here's how it worked.

Never signed and never delivered

According to Goodwin, when Lincoln was angry at a cabinet member, a colleague or one of his generals in the Union army, he would write a letter venting all of his pent-up rage. Then--and this is the key--he put it aside.

Hours later or the next day, he would look at the letter again so he could "attend to the matter with a clearer eye." More often than not, he didn't send the letter. We know this was Lincoln's tactic because years after his death historians discovered a trove of letters with the notation: never sent and never signed.

Lincoln practiced this habit for three reasons: 

First, he didn't want to inflame already heated passions. 

Second, he realized that words said in haste aren't always clear-headed and well-considered. 

Third, he did it as a signal--a learning opportunity--for others on his now famous "team of rivals."

In one example, Goodwin recounts the story of Lincoln patiently listening to his secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, who had worked himself into a fury against one of the generals. Once Stanton was done venting, Lincoln suggested that he vent on paper, and write a letter to the general. It must have been quite a letter because it took Stanton two days to write. He brought it to Lincoln who said, "Now that you feel better, throw it in the basket. That is all that is necessary." Stanton wasn't pleased, but he took Lincoln's advice.

Stanton didn't like Lincoln at the start of their relationship. By the end, Stanton was one Lincoln's biggest cheerleaders, closest friends and most loyal advisors.

Nobel prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman once said anger is such a primitive emotion that just reading words can set off your threat response. Social media platforms make it very easy to fire off a response.

The best response might be to write it down and come back to it later. That's what Lincoln would do. You'll probably feel differently when you do. 

Your employees, partners, and customers are watching your actions offline and online. If they see someone whose social media posts are impulsive, angry, and ill-informed they'll form an impression of you as a leader. And it's unlikely to be a positive one.

Carmine Gallo

The next time something sets you off -- please don't fire up your e-mail; don't go on Twitter. Think of Lincoln. Take at least a few seconds to judge whether the thing that has you so angry is more awful than a missed chance to end the bloodbath of the Civil War. If it's worse, Twitter away, by all means. But if it isn't as bad, try to summon Lincoln's paradoxical restraint -- this restraint that frees you from the need to exercise any restraint at all. Grab some paper and write the nastiest message you can think of. Let it all out. Don't mess around with the 140-character maximum on Twitter. Let it all out.

What you do with the letter once you cool down is up to you. 

Lincoln notwithstanding, shred the letter. 

BURN IT!!!!

Benefits of the Unsent Letter

• Opportunity to reframe: putting your feelings into words already means that you’re processing them through different neural pathways than if you leave them swirling around as unexpressed emotion.

• Safety: of course, expressing your thoughts out loud to the person you are upset with would also put them into words. But writing them in a letter that you don’t send avoids the very real possibility – probability even – that your angry words would inflame defensiveness and anger in turn in the recipient, leading to an escalation of the conflict. This is also why you don’t send the letter. Compared to talking to someone in person, the recipient is more likely to regard the written word with suspicion because it lacks the accompanying voice tone, body language, and facial expression that gives context and provides additional information about how the speaker really feels about what they are saying, and about the relationship.

• Perspective: writing the words on paper gives you more distance than saying them out loud. Once they are on the page, outside of you, you can gain some distance and perspective on them – and you can re-read them and reflect on them as many times as you want.

• Recognising the possibility of change: there’s a reason Lincoln didn’t sign his letter before putting it in a drawer. As long as he didn’t sign it, the letter remained a work in progress, open to change.

Some therapists recommend throwing the letter in the bin or the fire as soon as you’ve written it – but if you did that, you’d be missing out on what you’d learn from re-reading it later when you’ve calmed down.

Here’s What Could Go Wrong

1. Just expressing a feeling doesn’t necessarily get rid of it. The whole notion of ‘venting’ and ‘catharsis’ is based on the ‘hydraulic theory of emotion’ – the idea that anger builds up inside you and the pressure needs to be released by venting.

Unfortunately, this theory doesn’t hold up. Psychology experiments have found that acting out the anger (e.g. by pounding nails with a hammer) actually increases aggression. Even if people report feeling better after venting, on objective measures they are still more aggressive. Whether you express an emotion or repress it, the emotion may still be there. 

2. You could talk yourself into feeling worse. The more you talk or write about episodes in your past, the more you associate into those memories and the emotions you felt at the time, and you might lose whatever insights and perspectives you’ve gained over time (admittedly this is less likely when writing than when talking about things, especially if the other people in the conversation were agreeing with and encouraging all the complaints expressed).

3. You don’t get feedback. Since you’re writing a letter that no-one but you will see, there’s no-one to offer alternative perspectives or ask questions that might give you a reality check. So if your emotions are a response to the worst possible interpretation of events, your belief in the story that you’re telling yourself might be strengthened.

These are all fairly minor points if writing an unsent letter saves you from expressing rage and making a bad situation even worse, but it’s still worth thinking about how we can mitigate these potential downsides.

How to Write an Unsent Letter That Avoids These Potential Downsides

Ideally, you could write the letter in a way that recognises our own fallibility, and has the recognition that the stories we tell ourselves to make sense of what’s happened to us are just that – stories based on one possible interpretation out of many, rather than objective truth.

Fortunately, there is an easy-to-follow model for making sense of our experience and communicating what we think and feel about it that does just that. It’s called the ‘Experience Cube’, first outlined in Gervase Bushe’s excellent book Clear Leadership.

The Experience Cube has four components: 

 

1. Observations – this is what we can see and hear, as a video camera might record it, 

 

2. Thoughts – this is what we believe and what we tell ourselves

3. Emotions – what we are feeling

4. Wants – what we want to happen, what we want to do, goals etc.

Here’s how using the Experience Cube to describe what you’re feeling and why in an unsent letter helps you avoid any potential pitfalls:

1. As we all experience the world through our own mental filters, it’s not easy for us to be aware of our own blind spots and cognitive biases – especially if we suffer from ‘Naïve Realism’. The ‘Observations’ quadrant invites us to stick to the facts and suspend judgement when describing a situation or incident.

2. We still get to describe our best guess at what we think is going on in that situation, in the ‘Thoughts’ quadrant. The difference is that we’re invited to remember that these are just our own thoughts, beliefs, and judgements about what’s going on, and not objective truth. We recognize that alternative explanations and evaluations are possible, and as we write, we may even consider some of those alternative explanations and admit their possibility.

3. In the Emotions quadrant we can describe what we’re feeling. But we’re not leading with emotions. By the time we are talking about what we feel, we’ve already been through a factual description of the situation or event, plus outlining our ‘story’ about what’s going on in way that explicitly requires us not to confuse the story with objective reality, so we are more able to distance ourselves from our emotions and not have our judgement clouded.

4. Finally, the ‘Wants’ quadrant invites us to consider how we want things to develop, what we should do next, and maybe what we would like the other person to do. It invites us to find a way out of the upsetting situation, rather than just leaving it there as if we could do nothing about it. It makes us think about the future and how to move on, rather than endlessly rehashing the past.

Andy Smith

O PERVERTIDO

Durante a noite, ou à hora da sesta,

quando estávamos os dois juntos, via-me 

obrigada a contar umas histórias 

cínicas e mórbidas, sem qualquer 

decência, e sendo eu a protagonista.

Nunca pensei que acreditasse nelas,

pois ele mesmo pedia outro relato,

outra aventura sádica, excitante,

descarada, em que eu fosse sedutora

e seduzida por diferentes homens.

Pensei que era feliz com as mentiras 

que para ele engendrei com tanto esmero.

Mas começou a crer que as minhas palavras

eram memórias, e não fantasias,

e abandonou-me, com a desculpa 

de que o diabo estava entre as minhas pernas 

e ele não tinha nada de exorcista.

Amalia Bautista

What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity

I’m not sure it’s possible to justify my liaisons with married men, but what I learned from having them warrants discussion. Not between the wives and me, though I would be interested to hear their side. No, this discussion should happen between wives and husbands, annually, the way we inspect the tire tread on the family car to avoid accidents.

A few years ago, while living in London, I dated married men for companionship while I processed the grief of being newly divorced. I hadn’t sought out married men specifically. When I created a profile on Tinder and OkCupid, saying I was looking for no-strings-attached encounters, plenty of single men messaged me and I got together with several of them. But many married men messaged me too.

After being married for 23 years, I wanted sex but not a relationship. This is dicey because you can’t always control emotional attachments when body chemicals mix, but with the married men I guessed that the fact that they had wives, children and mortgages would keep them from going overboard with their affections. And I was right. They didn’t get overly attached, and neither did I. We were safe bets for each other.

I was careful about the men I met. I wanted to make sure they had no interest in leaving their wives or otherwise threatening all they had built together. In a couple of cases, the men I met were married to women who had become disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them.

All told I communicated with maybe a dozen men during that time in my life, and had sex with fewer than half. Others I texted or talked with, which sometimes felt nearly as intimate.

Before I met each man I would ask: 

“Why are you doing this?” 

I wanted assurance that all he desired was sex.

What surprised me was that these husbands weren’t looking to have more sex. They were looking to have any sex.

I met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all. They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to give up what they wanted. But the other husbands I met would have preferred to be having sex with their wives. For whatever reason, that wasn’t happening.

I know what it feels like to go off sex, and I know what it’s like to want more than my partner. It’s also a tall order to have sex with the same person for more years than our ancestors ever hoped to live. Then, at menopause, a woman’s hormones suddenly drop and her desire can wane.

At 49, I was just about there myself, and terrified of losing my desire for sex. Men don’t have this drastic change. So we have an imbalance, an elephant-size problem, so burdensome and shameful we can scarcely muster the strength to talk about it.

Maybe the reason some wives aren’t having sex with their husbands is because, as women age, we long for a different kind of sex. I know I did, which is what led me down this path of illicit encounters. After all, nearly as many women are initiating affairs as men.

If you read the work of Esther Perel, the author of the recently published book “State of Affairs,” you’ll learn that, for many wives, sex outside of marriage is their way of breaking free from being the responsible spouses and mothers they have to be at home. Married sex, for them, often feels obligatory. An affair is adventure.

Meanwhile, the husbands I spent time with would have been fine with obligatory sex. For them, adventure wasn’t the main reason for their adultery.

The first time I saw my favorite married man pick up his pint of beer, the sleeve of his well-tailored suit pulled back from his wrist to reveal a geometric kaleidoscope of tattoos. He was cleanshaven and well mannered with a little rebel yell underneath. The night I saw the full canvas of his tattoo masterpiece, we drank prosecco, listened to ’80s music and, yes, had sex. We also talked.

I asked him: “What if you said to your wife, ‘Look, I love you and the kids but I need sex in my life. Can I just have the occasional fling or a casual affair?’”

He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt her,” he said. “She’s been out of the work force for 10 years, raising our kids and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her life. If I asked her that kind of question, it would kill her.”

“So you don’t want to hurt her, but you lie to her instead. Personally, I’d rather know.”

Well, maybe I would rather know. My own marriage had not broken up over an affair so I couldn’t easily put myself in her position.

“It’s not necessarily a lie if you don’t confess the truth,” he said. “It’s kinder to stay silent.”

“I’m just saying I couldn’t do that. I don’t want to be afraid of talking honestly about my sex life with the man I’m married to, and that includes being able to at least raise the subject of sex outside of marriage.”

“Good luck with that!” he said.

“We go into marriage assuming we’ll be monogamous,” I said, “but then we get restless. We don’t want to split up, but we need to feel more sexually alive. Why break up the family if we could just accept the occasional affair?”

He laughed. “How about we stop talking about it before this affair stops being fun?”

I never convinced any husband that he could be honest about what he was doing. But they were mostly good-natured about it, like a patient father responding to a child who keeps asking, “Why, why, why?”

Maybe I was being too pragmatic about issues that are loaded with guilt, resentment and fear. After all, it’s far easier to talk theoretically about marriage than to navigate it. But my attitude is that if my spouse were to need something I couldn’t give him, I wouldn’t keep him from getting it elsewhere, as long as he did so in a way that didn’t endanger our family.

I suppose I would hope his needs would involve fishing trips or beers with friends. But sex is basic. Physical intimacy with other human beings is essential to our health and well-being. So how do we deny such a need to the one we care about most? If our primary relationship nourishes and stabilizes us but lacks intimacy, we shouldn’t have to destroy our marriage to get that intimacy somewhere else. Should we?

I didn’t have a full-on affair with the tattooed husband. We slept together maybe four times over a few years. More often we talked on the phone. I never felt possessive, just curious and happy to be in his company.

After our second night together, though, I could tell this was about more than sex for him; he was desperate for affection. He said he wanted to be close to his wife but couldn’t because they were unable to get past their fundamental disconnect: lack of sex, which led to a lack of closeness, which made sex even less likely and then turned into resentment and blame.

We all go through phases of wanting it and not wanting it. I doubt most women avoid having sex with their husbands because they lack physical desire in general; we are simply more complex sexual animals. Which is why men can get an erection from a pill but there’s no way to medically induce arousal and desire in women.

I am not saying the answer is non-monogamy, which can be rife with risks and unintended entanglements. I believe the answer is honesty and dialogue, no matter how frightening. Lack of sex in marriage is common, and it shouldn’t lead to shame and silence. By the same token, an affair doesn’t have to lead to the end of a marriage. What if an affair — or, ideally, simply the urge to have one — can be the beginning of a necessary conversation about sex and intimacy?

What these husbands couldn’t do was have the difficult discussion with their wives that would force them to tackle the issues at the root of their cheating. They tried to convince me they were being kind by keeping their affairs secret. They seemed to have convinced themselves. But deception and lying are ultimately corrosive, not kind.

In the end, I had to wonder if what these men couldn’t face was something else altogether: hearing why their wives no longer wanted to have sex with them. It’s much easier, after all, to set up an account on Tinder.

Karin Jones

"Men in a sexless marriage 

cheat to remain in that marriage, 

Women cheat to get out of it". 

 Maureen McGrath

O SENTIDO DO AZUL

Procuramos o sentido. Andamos às voltas. Por 

vezes, aparece um significado, mas tudo é vago, 

como se as palavras já não dissessem o que 

dizem. Por exemplo: quero saber o que significa 

este azul na parede. A casa está à direita, 

resistiu ao tempo; mas o azul aparece desbotado 

pelo sol do verão, pelos pela chuva do inverno, 

pela humidade salgada das maresias. E o que 

significa este azul não é o azul da cor de 

uma parede, tão-só. Há quem veja nele

a passagem dos anos, a fragilidade da vida;

mas há quem aponte os pedaços em que a cor 

desapareceu, deixando à vista o reboco, 

e se refira a um mundo em ruínas, ao que 

não é possível recuperar. Mas o pintor 

chega, encosta a escada à parede, dissolve

a cor no balde, e aproveita a semana sem 

chuva para pôr tudo igual. Talvez o novo 

azul não seja igual ao anterior; e quando 

olho o azul do céu, e o comparo ao da parede,

é como se fosse a sombra do outro. De 

certo modo, o azul deste céu parece-me

mais artificial do que o azul da parede. Digo 

então que o homem aperfeiçoa imagem 

que a natureza nos dá, como se já não 

fosse possível acreditar no céu. O

pintor, esse, foi-se embora. Depois, olho

para o alto: há nuvens aqui e ali, e alguns 

pássaros pontuam-no, como insólitas 

manchas no infinito. Faz ali falta um pintor 

para tapar os buracos, e voltar a pôr tudo 

igual. Mas onde está a escada para chegar 

lá cima? E quantos baldes de tinta seriam 

precisos? E fico à espera da noite, para 

não ver o azul com as imperfeições do céu.

Nuno Júdice

in, Fórmulas de Uma Luz Inexplicável

.................................. acceptance

As the generations get further and further away from the times of Stoicism, we're finding it harder and harder to abide by the philosophies taught by the great Stoic minds such as Marcus Aurelius.

This current time has completely dismissed the philosophy, which has only led people into despair.

As though their soul is slowly declining over the years from negative circumstances due to a lack of wisdom and understanding.

Life's purpose isn't meant to strip the color away from your spirit.

It is an experience within itself, and it must be treated like so.

​

There can be no good without evil, and no evil without good.

Just like everything else in this life, there must be a balance.

People deny this fact as though it is not the truth, when you widen the perspective of the common person's problems, it turns out to be a lack of acceptance of that truth.

But how do we reach that level of acceptance, through conscious decision of course?

Mindfulness, and awareness of who we are and what we would like to become.

Life will always happen to us, there is no avoiding it.

But to give up in the face of a negative circumstance is a response that the universe will adhere to.

Creating a cycle of such behavior can become detrimental to your entire future.

This is why it is important to create a habit of internal peace in the face of challenges, understanding that you will give your best responses to situations when you are not guided by your emotions solely.

​

The Stoics believed that neither the past nor the future held the keys to inner peace.

But the present moment is where the answer lies.

The past and future, according to Aurelius, are mental constructs that often distract us from the wealth of the present.

When you recognize that it is only an illusion of your time, you will be empowered to break free from the snare you are held in.

​

• Consistent thoughts that run through your head.

• The constant anxiety and fears of circumstances that either haven't happened or will never happen.

Have you ever experienced internal warfare? Some would call it spiritual warfare.

It's as if good and evil are battling in your mind fighting for your sanity.

It's hard for you to make prompt decisions, let alone decisions that aren't solely driven by emotion.

​

The spark we search for in life slowly dies as we age, all by the relinquishment of hope.

However, the Stoics believed against this mental model that 90% of people carry daily.

The ancient Stoics believed in the mental frame "Momento Mori".

The Latin translation is:

"remember that you will die"

As vigorous as that sounds, it has a beautiful meaning underlying it.

​"Momento Mori" is our reminder to be attentive in life, and purposeful.

To enjoy the moments we have with appreciation and gratitude, everything is temporary, in the long run.

When we engage in our thoughts of the past or future we remove ourselves from the present moment.

In doing so, we strip away the potential point of peace we can achieve.

But how does one stay in the present moment for longer periods?

Because you are a human after all, it won't be easy to not think about an event that you have coming up, one that you're excited about.

Or a past traumatic event, one that hinders you in your daily life.

​To stay in moments of peace for longer periods is achievable, although it takes the practice of mindfulness meditation.

Meditation plays a big role in Stoic philosophy.

It is a practical tool they use for self-improvement and achieving tranquility of mind.

Having a mind that is quiet with no thoughts lingering is a key component to keeping your peace in the present moment.

​

​Here is a quick tutorial on meditation:

• Lay down in a position you are most comfortable in, one where you will not be prompted to make little movements.​

• Use a meditation video that will guide you as you lie down with your eyes closed. These videos usually have a narrator who will walk you step by step on what to do. (Use headphones for this step)​

• Focus on your breathing, and your airflow, and feel the air travel through your nostrils into your lungs. This is important for training the quiet mind. Your thoughts will be loud at first, but the point of meditation is to acknowledge your thoughts and understand that you are separate from them, then redirect your focus to breath flow.

​

Do this for 10-15 minutes a day until you've made it a daily habit, then slowly increase the time under meditation.

​

• Meditation has many physical benefits, although there are specific reasons this practice was used in Stoic philosophy.
• Meditation will keep you in the present moment, the process of consistent meditation will quiet your mind and allow you to put your focus on what's in front of you.
• When you practice meditation, you have a much better examination of your impulses and emotions, being able to observe your thoughts and feelings without any attachment or judgment.
• Allowing you to recognize harmful emotions or irrational desires and respond to them with the correct reason.
• Meditation will prepare you for future adversity and challenges. By rehearsing potential hardships in their mind the Stoics were able to craft resilience and mental fortitude.

Allowing them to reflect on how to respond with virtue.

Virtue - The quality trait of being morally good, desirable, or commendable.

​You will begin to contemplate your virtue as you consistently practice meditation.

Diving deep into your daily actions that reflect virtuous behavior such as courage, wisdom, and self-discipline.

You will lose the short temper you have when it comes to responding to situations.

A high level of patience will be acquired through meditation which will only benefit you on your journey of life.

​

Life is a simple process, of decision and circumstance.

We as individuals make it harder than it has to be.

If we focus our attention on being grounded, and behaving as the person we want to become, then we become that person.

​The Stoics believed that time is our most valuable currency, where we spend it will determine the outcome of our lives and circumstance.

Time is not recoverable, once it's gone, it's gone and you can not get it back.

​

Mastering time was considered crucial in the Stoic philosophy.

The Stoics understood impermanence, they emphasized the transient nature of life and the inevitability of change.

Circumstances, whether good or bad are not permanent in our lives, as humans we all meet the same fate in the end.

The Stoics understood the fleeting nature that time carries, they valued the importance of making the best out of the present moment instead of procrastinating and dwelling on past regrets.

Living a virtuous life is one of the main points in Stoic philosophy, mastering time will incline you to use it wisely to pursue excellence in thought, and behavior.

Use the time to align yourself with these Stoic principles of behavior:

1. Wisdom
2. Courage
3. Justice
4. Self-Discipline

​

Time is a beautiful thing, it can be an advantage, or it can be a detriment to our lives depending on how we use it.

It's ideal to accept past and future events, for these both are enemies of time.

There is no point in dwelling on events that happened in the past with the precious time you have.

Your body will physically react to your negative thoughts about the past in different ways, one of the most common ways is through anxiety.

Your body can't tell the difference between what is reality and what isn't.

The same goes for thoughts and concerns about the future. Both future and past thoughts can freeze you in your present moment, completely robbing you of your only true gift.

Instead of being concerned about the outcome of your future path, use the same energy curated to take the action steps needed to accomplish such a goal that will place you in the future you will be proud of.

Time holds one thing that people tend to overlook, or maybe they just don't look deep enough.

This is something that we all require as humans if we want to progress forward in our lives.

Opportunity.

​Allowing yourself to be completely in the present moment and taking advantage of your time grants you the ability to be able to grab your opportunities when they show themselves.

Along with opportunities are your personal and spiritual growth. 

A very important ingredient for the development of self.

Different positive opportunities put you in different circumstances which will in most cases require you to grow into a more ideal version of yourself, one that can withstand the level of opportunity given.

​

Everything you want is already yours. It just needs to be brought to life through action.

Taking action is something that is practiced over time, because it is a habit, just like anything else, this is why the Stoics valued their time tremendously because they knew it was the one resource they needed to create.

Instead of wasting your time on frivolous activities that will only grant you instant gratification, choose to be disciplined, and to live virtuously with the time you were granted.

Use the time to better your life and the lives of your loved ones.

Each hour we spend irresponsibly, we will never get back.

Momento Mori.

Your life and time are a gift.

Use your gift, to be a gift to others.

We have recently discovered a partial enemy that is shared amongst the majority of people.

This enemy shares the same process as rotting fruit.

Meaning, that if it isn't tended to, It has the power to drain the person it accompanies.

Now this, If not fixed can also negatively change the direction of a person's life.

• This feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction.

• The feeling that you aren't being heard in your time of need.

• The feeling of not fitting into any social group that is available to you.

Unappreciation is an enemy of our inner child.

Our inner child is the source of our creativity, something of value to protect.

​

These are different reasons why loneliness and depression are detrimental to your life trajectory.

How to counteract your deepest darkest feelings?​

Overcoming negative thoughts and emotions is never an overnight process, it is a gradual process of acceptance and realization.

12 easy-to-apply principles used by the Ancient Stoics that propelled them in the direction favorable to their success.

Here are the 12 Principles:

Move your body - This is related to doing activities that benefit your fitness. Think of this as a conversation with yourself, create mental and emotional resilience through movement, and stillness allows the mind to roam further.

​

Be A Better Friend To Yourself - One of the most powerful tools against loneliness and depression. Imagine it were your closest friend or loved one climbing the mountain of life and experiencing its challenges, would you ridicule them for failure and struggle, or would you uplift them?

​Uplift yourself, because you are your closest friend.

​

Be Satisfied More - Enjoy the things you currently have in your life. Enjoy the present moment more because it is the only moment you have. Never be blinded by your desires, as humans we are always wired to want to gain more. Disregarding all of the achievements we have made to date.

​Take the time to thank yourself for all you've done thus far.

​

Widen Your Perspective - When facing a challenge or struggle and you're prompted to make a decision, look at the situation thoroughly and think to yourself "Will this benefit or detriment my future?" 

Make the choice that will be most advantageous to you.

​

Learn To Suffer With Others - Find companions, find people who can relate to your life struggles or challenges. Become acquaintances. Help push each other through the challenges you share, this is the beginning of an unbreakable bond, one created through struggle.

​Two minds are always better than one.

​

Ask For Help - Never be ashamed of your pain. You are human just like the rest of us. You are important and to be cared for. You are to be loved and to be nourished. Those who shame you for looking for help do not have your best interest in their heart.

​Always seek help if you feel it necessary.

​

Focus On Your Path - You are your own hero and no one can help you, or save you from a situation you are uncomfortable with. Focus on your own path because retribution and success lie within it. Even if this means you take 1 hour a day to build toward the goals and ideas you have.

​

Momento Mori - Translation "Remember you will die".

This is not to alarm you, this is to remind you of the impermanence of things. Everything in life is temporary, all of the pleasures, all of the people, and all of the pain. You will never be in one place forever, physically or mentally.

​

Embrace Adversity - Life is a beautiful painting. It will come with great gifts at times. But other times, it will come with challenges and tribulations that are meant to teach us things we need to know to have full appreciation for the beauty in our lives.

​A way to increase your tolerance to adversity is by engaging in physical activity of some sort that challenges you as an individual. Putting yourself into hardship at any level is a way to be able to train that muscle.

​

Don't Suppress Your Emotions - A volcano's eruption is similar to the consequence of holding in your emotions. After years of built-up lava inside the volcano, it erupts and destroys everything in a wide radius.

​Holding in your emotions can cause the same effect and consequence over time. Do not be a victim of yourself. Do not destroy the things you love. When you feel an emotion, let it out in an appropriate way, whether it be negative or positive.

​

Seek Stillness - Be unyielding to the waves of worry, doubt, and loneliness. Be the rock in the crashing waves of life. Be still internally during turmoil and struggle. Allow yourself mental clarity through this.

​It's not about ignoring the chaos but finding your center in the midst of it.

​

Accept Things As They Are - It's easy to get lost in the what-ifs and loneliness of life. There's a powerful antidote to the loneliness and depression that usually accompanies our relentless chase for different outcomes.

​Accepting things as they are. This isn't about accepting defeat or failure, it's about recognizing a hidden harmony in the chaos.

​​

The unexpected lessons of disappointment.

​And the strength that comes from embracing life's unpredictability.

​

Always prioritize yourself, and make sure your basket is full.

That is the only way to be of benefit to others around you.

Pour into your empty cup, to be able to pour into others.

in, The Stoic Community