Inner children are parts of all our psyche that remains full of innocence, awe, and wonder. When our inner child is healthy, and we are connected with them, we tend to be invigorated, inspired, and excited.
However, what happens when our inner child is wounded from past trauma, and we are disconnected from them?
When we ignore the inner child in our psyche, as adults, we feel disconnected from life, tired, empty, and unhappy.
This article will further explore the topic of the wounded inner child, how these little ones can affect their adult selves.
A Brief Recap What is an Inner Child?
The concept of the inner child was first proposed by psychologist Carl Jung after he examined his own childlike inner-feelings and emotions. Jung postulated that it was this inside part of all of us that influenced all we do and the decisions that we make.
Inner children were us when we were kids that never grew up. They are who holds all the memories and emotions, good or bad, that we experienced.
These learned messages are incurred when we were helpless and dependent on our caregivers.
Unfortunately, it is also these inner children who absorb all the negative and harmful words and actions of those who were supposed to keep us safe.
Once wounded, these inner kids negatively influence who we are as adults holding enormous power over our relationships and decisions.
The Unsafe Messages Children Receive
All children deserve to feel safe—safe from harm, fear, and lack.
Safety does not mean only physical security but also emotional and spiritual well-being as well.
When children feel safe within the families they were born into, their boundaries are respected, and that their needs are met so they feel secure.
Childhood trauma, where the child’s needs are not met, destroys a child’s sense of safety, causing them to become hypervigilant and scared.
In adulthood, these inner children never go away, and neither does their feelings of being unsafe and that the world is a horrible and dangerous place. When a child feels continually endangered, a massive gaping wound opens in their psyche that is so painful that many adults unknowingly repress it. (Kneisl 1991)
Words can hurt as severely as actions with some of the signals given to children leaving deep scars that can last a lifetime. Some of these statements and actions made by parents that leave open wounds are as follows:
- Not allowing a child to have their own opinions
- Discouragement from playing or having fun
- Not allowed to display strong emotions
- Punishing for speaking up
- Continuously shaming by caregivers
- Not allowing spontaneity
- Was not given appropriate hugs, kisses, or cuddles
- Children who do not receive emotional and physical support grow up to be hurting adults.
The Three Common Ways Children are Made to Feel Unsafe
Children crave and deserve to have their needs met and to feel safe and loved. However, even in today’s advanced society, many kids are neglected and wounded. There are three types of trauma children endure at the hands of their caregivers that cause later adult inner children injury. These include physical, emotional, and psychological neglect.
1. Physical Neglect
Physical safety and nourishment are basic human needs that are to be given freely from caregivers to children. However, in physical neglect, these rights are violated and are lacking. Unfortunately, physical neglect does not mean only that the child was kept from food and shelter.
It also means several forms of abuse are taking place, such as sexual abuse.
The results of this type of neglect are devastating. Below are only a few of the negative impacts physical neglect has on children and the adults they become:
- Low self-esteem
- Eating disorders
- Self-harm
- Addictions
- Violent behavior
- Sexual dysfunction
2. Emotional Neglect
In this type of neglect, a child’s caregiver did not show enough interest in the child’s emotional needs for support, respect, and love. In these cases, either the caregiver does not pay attention to or condemns any emotional expressions that the child might need.
Like with physical abuse, the symptoms, and outcomes of this type of neglect are dire in adulthood:
- Low self-worth
- Repressing emotions
- Ignoring one’s own emotional needs
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Shunning Emotional closeness or intimacy
3. Psychological Neglect
This kind of neglect occurred when the child’s caregivers failed to listen, nurture, and embrace the beautiful human beings that they are.
This form of neglect includes any or all the following:
- Name-calling
- Insults
- Ridicule
- Yelling
- Gaslighting
- Lack of privacy
- Making overt threats
The symptoms that occur when the inner child endures this type of neglect and inhabit adults can be:
- Deep-seated feelings of anger
- Inability to love themselves
- The development of low self-esteem
- Addictions
- Neuroses
- Psychological illnesses
- Physical illnesses
- Showing a lack of respect for others
- Problems with sustaining a healthy relationship
As can be seen, the wounds children incur become the wounded inner children adults who have grown up and later have left that home.
Some Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child
The first step in healing your inner child is to acknowledge it is there and that he or she is wounded.
The harm done to your inner child is directly correlated with the ways you feel unsafe in the world.
Below are some signals that you have a wounded inner child:
- A deep feeling that there is something wrong with you
- Being a people-pleaser
- Being a rebel and feel alive when in conflict with someone else
- Being a hoarder
- Not being able to let go of possessions and people
- Experience anxiety with something new
- Feeling guilty for setting boundaries
- Driven to be a super-achiever
- Being ridged and a perfectionist
- Having problems starting and finishing tasks
- Exhibit constant self-criticism
- Feel ashamed at expressing emotions
- Ashamed of your body
- Having a deep distrust of anyone else
- Avoiding conflict, no matter what the cost
- A fear of abandonment
If you recognize yourself in many (not necessarily all) of the above-listed items, then there is a high chance that you have a wounded inner child.
The Influence of the Inner Child in All of Us
The inner children that live in the human psyche directly influence all that we do.
Adults are covertly controlled by their unconscious inner child, and this leaves a child in charge of their lives. When wounded, these little ones are full of anger, shame, and sometimes rage because of the maltreatment they endured. Inner children are the lens through which injured adults make their decisions.
Can you imagine your children or a child you see on the street trying to make sense of adult relationships? Or make career decisions?
Predictably, such attempts could only end in disaster.
However, this is what happens every day in the lives of people who have a wounded inner child.
These small, lost, and lonely parts of ourselves are afraid, anxious, and insecure, and that can make our lives miserable.
However, there is hope.
Inner child work, including self-parenting, can ease the pain and heal the wounds left behind by caregivers who were abusive and toxic.
Shirley Davis
“She held herself until
the sobs of the child inside
subsided entirely.
I love you, she told herself.
It will all be okay.”
~ H. Raven Rose
“Your pain needs to be
recognized and acknowledged.
It needs to be acknowledged and then released.
Avoiding pain is the same as denying it.”
~ Yong Kang Chan
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