What kinds of fights are you having?

 When it comes to most relationship standoffs, there can be many hidden dimensions at play. 

Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman has identified three that have a profound impact on how we fight—and how we move forward: 

 

1. Power and Control 

• “You undermine me with the kids.”
• “Because I don’t make as much money as you, I feel like I have to check with you before I buy anything. I know you don’t ask me to, but you don’t have to.”
• “We only have sex when you want to.”

2. Care and Closeness

• “Why can’t you support me when I’m anxious rather than make me feel worse about my coping skills?”
• “Why am I always the one to text or call you? I pursue; you distance.”
• “Why don’t we have sex anymore?”

3. Respect and Recognition 

 

• “You go out with your friends without asking me what I’m doing.”
• “You never acknowledge my professional accomplishments.”
• “I don’t think you realize how much I do around the house.”

No relationship is free of conflict. 

But pausing to take a closer look at the situation can be as helpful as checking a compass. It shows us where we are, where we’re headed, and what we might need to do differently to get where we want to go.

Take Paul and Damian, for example. 

Paul was occasionally late coming home, which upset Damian—to the point that Paul’s lateness often triggered their biggest fights. 

At first glance, it might appear that Damian was jealous. Perhaps Paul was inconsiderate. But if we look more closely, we can see how Paul’s lateness was a matter of respect for Damian. I can hear the tenor of this argument:

 

“You know how much it upsets me when you’re late. Clearly, you behave this way because you don’t respect me.” 

Meanwhile, Paul undoubtedly had an entirely different view of his lateness: 

“It wasn’t on purpose! The train was stalled!” 

Recognizing these hidden layers of conflict is often enough to change the way we engage with them. Suppose we know our partner is actually fighting for respect. In that case, we can focus on that root issue rather than waste time fighting about lateness. 

We can strive for greater understanding rather than drive ourselves further apart from our partners. 

If you stood on a courtyard balcony and watched a bunch of other couples fighting on their balconies, you would see the same patterns play out over and over again. 

One of the most destructive is called confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias happens when you gather evidence that reinforces your beliefs and disregard evidence that challenges them. For example, if you believe that your partner doesn’t care about you, then you look for proof that it’s true: they didn’t call when they said they would, or they didn’t look up from their book when you walked into the room. Nevermind the fact that their phone died, or that they asked for time alone to read before bed. It’s obvious they don’t care. The end result is a lens through which you view every interaction with your partner—and often, an emotional standoff. 

The good news is, just like the three hidden dimensions, recognizing your biases is often enough to change the way you engage with them when fighting with your partner. 

Next time you recognize yourself slipping into an automatic pattern that makes it difficult to navigate conflict with your partner, pause. By creating a space between the trigger and your reaction, you can begin to create new, more productive patterns.

Now let’s turn the lens on you: 

1. What are your biases? 
2. What are the lenses through which you view your relationship with conflict and your partner? 

The lenses through which you view your partner color the way you fight with them. 

If your lens is “He doesn’t value my time,” then you will always be looking for evidence that this is true (and disregard everything else). 

It doesn’t matter that he was on time to pick up the kids yesterday, he was late to dinner today. 

 

But what would happen if you took a pause, took a breath, and took off your lenses long enough to imagine a new way of handling conflict? 

What would the best fight of your life look like, without your current biases?

1. Maybe it would look like asking your partner for a time-out and taking a walk to clear your head before having a calmer conversation later—instead of blowing up. 
2. Maybe leaning in and asking questions to better understand your partner's experience—instead of shutting down. 
3. Or maybe focusing on what’s happening now—instead of dragging up past transgressions. 

When we accept that conflict is inevitable and commit to navigating it as effectively as possible, we begin to find ways to have meaningful fights with our partners rather than avoid the discomfort fighting often brings. We learn to relate better and find peace with each other even when we disagree.

Experiencing conflict in their relationship—whether it looks like a silent emotional standoff, a huge blowout fight, or something in between—isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

There are plenty of strong yet volatile couples out there.

Remember my check engine light metaphor? 

Conflict is often a signal pointing us toward something else: a lack of trust or closeness, a boundary or dynamic that isn’t working, or feelings of anger, disappointment, or hurt. 

If you’ve joined me learning about conflict and connection, it’s likely that your check engine light has come on. Somewhere in your relationship, there’s something that needs your attention. 

Maybe you’re still trying to figure out what the light is signaling: 

“My partner and I almost never fight. Why do I feel disconnected?”

Maybe you already know what needs to change, but don’t know how to address it: 

“My partner undermines me with the kids. How can I make sure we’re on the same team?”

Or maybe you’ve already tried making a change, but it hasn’t worked: 

“Every time I try to initiate sex, she shuts down. I’ve tried asking her why, but she won’t budge.” 

Esther Perel

PART 1 : resolve conflict