................................ resolve conflict

 

What is the difference between 

conflict that is productive, 

useful, and restorative 

and 

conflict that is destructive, 

useless, and harmful. 

Everywhere these days, it seems that people are having a harder time finding that difference for themselves. I often hear about situations in which one person, unable to air their grievances, has let a minor crack in a relationship metastasize into a web of fractures. The other person, inevitably, seems to be unaware of the impact of their behavior. Both are left flummoxed at how a misunderstanding or disagreement became a full-blown breakup or breakdown. But, for the life of them, neither really knows how it got so bad. 

And it’s not just those with particularly close relationships. 

My single clients and friends tell me all the time how rare it is to address something they don’t like with a date. Rather than communicate, it’s become all too common to just say nothing at all and let whatever connection could have been fizzle out. 

How conflict-avoidant so many of us have become. 

1. Is it the social atrophy from pandemic life? 
2. Is it the polarization we are dealing with as a society? 
3. Is it our over-reliance on increasingly predictive technologies? 
4. Has having all the answers in the palm of our hands made us less able to deal with life’s uncertainty and friction? 

• Are we scared of hurting each other’s feelings? 
• Are we terrified to let someone we love know that we feel hurt by them? 
• Do we dread how bad the conversation might get…that something might be said that can’t be taken back? 
• To all of these questions, I ask: what’s worse—addressing the problem and its potential consequences or losing the relationship altogether because we were afraid of what might happen? 

It is possible to turn conflict into connection. 

It takes empathy and grace, hard work and learning new skills. And it takes a bit of bravery. 

Trust me, just because I’m a relationship therapist does not mean that I don’t have conflict in my life. In my personal life, I fight with my family and, yes, occasionally my friends. 

In my professional life, I help people parse out what they are fighting about versus what they are fighting for. 

Conflict is intrinsic to all relationships. 

The presence of bickering or disagreements doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t good, or that it isn’t worth it. 

Often, it’s an alarm. 

Your relationship needs attention. 

Sometimes the best fight you can have is the fight for each other.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You:

1. How would you describe your style of fighting? 
2. What did you learn about fighting in your family of origin? 
3. What are some of the recurring conflicts you experience?
4. How do you know the difference between a good fight and a bad fight? 
5. What is your process of repair?
6. If you could learn to fight better, what might it look like?

Conflict is intrinsic to every relationship. 

Sometimes, it’s short and harmless. 

But often, it can feel like an endless, destructive loop. 

Over the last 35 years, I’ve worked with countless couples in this cycle. 

I’ve watched again and again as clients arrive for their first session, settle in, and assume their positions:

the sinner and the saint, 

the accountant and the accountable, 

the betrayer and the betrayed. 

But relationship dynamics go much deeper than these binaries. 

There are layers of relational conflict and reflect on your own experiences. 

1. How do you react when your partner gets defensive? 
2. Why do you keep fighting about the same things over and over? 
3. What will it take to stop arguing about your differences and find peace together? 
4. Do you want to be right or do you want to preserve your relationship?

 Below are a few of the many responses I received when I asked about your struggles with conflict. Notice which ones you relate to most:

• “Our fights are always the same: he blows up, I shut down. It’s always the same choreography. The more he blows up, the less I have to say, which triggers him blowing up again and me shutting down more.”

• “In every relationship I’ve ever had, stating my discontent even in a calm and kind way has led to shaming, rejection, yelling, and worse. Because of this, I don’t feel I can speak up for myself in my current relationship. When I try, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I know what I want to say, but I’m unable to say it. The conversations just don’t come naturally to me.”  

• “I’m at a point in my relationship where I need to make a decision on whether or not to stay. A lot of my concerns are around communication, especially how we deal with conflict.” 

Now think about how you typically engage with conflict. 

1. Do you escalate or retreat? 
2. Yell or shut down? 
3. Push harder or throw up a wall? 
4. How about your partner?

• What is the signal that lets you know your disagreement has turned into a full-blown fight? 

• And how can we begin to think about that signal as a helpful tool rather than a trigger? 

• What you and your partner are really fighting about. (Hint: It’s often not what you think.) 

Imagine for a moment you’re driving along in your car. 

It’s a beautiful day. You’ve got the windows down, and your favorite song is playing on the radio. 

Life is good.

Then, a bright orange “Check engine!” light flashes on your dashboard. 

You feel your stomach turn.

The light could signal something minor, like that it’s time for a routine oil change. But it could also mean there’s a more serious issue that you need to address immediately.

In our relationships, conflict is like the check engine light. 

It points us toward something that needs our attention. And much like we don’t know what needs to be fixed until we take a look under the hood, we often don’t know what we’re really fighting about at first glance.

1. Are you arguing with your partner because they left dishes piling up in the sink again, or are you feeling unsupported at home? 
2. Do you really care how often your partner is on their phone, or do you feel uncared for? 

It’s difficult to have a constructive argument without knowing what you're really arguing about. 

Many of you have written in to share with me your experiences with conflict. 

Below are a few examples. 

Can you identify the signal and underlying issues that might be at play in each scenario? 

• “Sometimes it’s like he blows up to test my love and boundaries, which is incredibly draining. The more he blows up, the more impatient I become, and the more likely I am to just pack up and leave. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”  

•  “I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I need connection. She says she needs space. But when I give it to her, she feels completely abandoned. We can’t seem to find the middle ground.” 

• “Whenever I have feedback or a request for my partner, he gets defensive, like he’s more concerned with explaining himself than understanding my experiences. When he disagrees with my feelings, it feels like he’s writing them off as not his problem. It makes me feel invalidated.”

Now, think about a time when you’ve experienced conflict in your relationship. 

• What was the argument about? 
• What might it have actually been about? 
• Do you think your partner would describe the fight the same way? 

Esther Perel

PART 2: What kinds of fights are you having?