At age 23, I married my first husband, whom I affectionately refer to as Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome. Believe me, he is all that and a great guy too.
By the time we divorced 6 years later, I was convinced that I simply was not the type of woman that men fell in love with, that men loved passionately and gave presents to, that men wrote poetry for and couldn’t wait to make love to.
I explained this to myself with the theory that I must be missing the “Grace Kelly gene.”
Whatever that Princess Grace-quality was that has men adore a woman,
I just didn’t have it.
After my marriage ended, I began a relationship with a man who treated me like Princess Grace.
He was very attentive, romantic, interested and passionate.
I then decided that there wasn’t something wrong with me after all.
My new theory was that I had simply married “the wrong man” and was now with “the right man.”
Lo and behold, after 6 months or so, I had the same complaints about my new boyfriend that I had about my old husband. He had definitely changed from that great guy he had been.
Then I remembered that my husband was really great in the beginning, too.
That’s why I married him (plus he was tall, dark and handsome!).
Looking back, all my boyfriends had been wonderful at first, and they changed, too.
As I thought about the precise moment when men changed, I decided it was when they had “caught” me; the point at which I was unquestionably hooked on their attention and affection.
The trick would be to never let a man know I was caught, I cleverly thought.
I concluded that if I kept men guessing then they would stay on their best behavior.
The only problem with this new strategy, of course, is that it is the opposite of how I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to be able to surrender to being in love, be secure, and have a future.
A couple of weeks after I devised my new and improved strategy, a friend of mine independently complained about the same phenomenon.
Fatefully for me, the person to whom she voiced her complaint was a man.
My friend asked,
“Why is it that men are really great in the beginning?
They pay lots of attention, they’re really romantic, they listen, they bring you flowers, and they act like they care about your pets. Then, after a few weeks or a few months, they turn into sports-watching, pizza-eating, beer-belching couch slugs.”
To my surprise, the man replied,
”Oh, I see. You’re a Frog Farmer.”
Some women turn frogs into princes.
You, my dear, turn princes into frogs.
You take good guys and you bring out the very worst in them and turn them into frogs.”
As you can imagine, my friend was not pleased with this answer at all.
But I was completely intrigued.
I immediately had a vision: a field with rows upon rows of frogs with the little human faces of my husband and past boyfriends.
My reaction was, “Wow. I’m a frog farmer!”
I knew intuitively that it was true.
Instead of this being bad news, to me it was great news.
If I had anything at all to do with how men treated me, I wanted to know.
If it was something I was doing, then I could change it too.
Thus began my research in February of 1991. I started with the question,
“What if men are responding to women?”
Since then I have talked with countless men about how they view the world, their lives, work, relationships, family and especially, women.
What I learned completely surprised me.
What I learned rocked my world.
As my research changed my view of men, it changed how I react to them, and talk to them, and think about them.
My research also changed my experience of being a woman.
I even discovered that I affect how much they change after they catch me.
I learned that it was I that changed when they caught me, and their behavior followed suit.
After a while, other women started noticing that men treat me differently.
They began asking:
- “What is it about you that men are so wonderful to you?” and,
- “Why is it that men will do anything for you – and you are not even sleeping with them?” and, most commonly,
- “What do you know that I don’t know?”
Back then it would only take a couple of hours to explain what I had learned about men and some of their most annoying behaviors. Months, even years, later, the women would tell me that their relationships with men had never been the same.
What I learned has changed my life.
I have amazing relationships with men friends, my son, and the men in my family.
I have been married since 1993 to a very successful man who does all those things I had hoped for and more.
The best thing is we are more in love now than when we married!
Am I A Frog Farmer?
If you answer “Yes” to any of the following questions, you may be a Frog Farmer.
It is not your fault!
Frog Farming comes from how we all have been taught to relate to men.
It’s based in misunderstandings and miscommunication.
- Do men keep their distance instead of seeking emotional intimacy?
- Do you feel ignored instead of adored?
- Do you feel taken from instead of given to by men?
- Are men defensive with you instead of open?
- Do you experience being objectified instead of cherished?
- Have you been told you intimidate men?
Alison Armstrong
1. Fundamental Attribution Error
The first thing we're going to talk about is Fundamental Attribution Error.
This is when you assume that when your partner does something negative, it's because they have an inherent character flaw, but when you do something negative, it's because of your circumstances.
For example, when I'm running late, it's because I'm really busy and preoccupied.
But when you're running late, it's because you're lazy and you're disrespectful of other people's time.
Or when I'm a bad driver, it's because I'm just in a real hurry.
But when somebody else is a bad driver, it's because they're an asshole.
Or when I don't initiate sex, it's because I'm stressed out or I'm really tired.
But when you don't initiate sex, it's because you're sexually defective, or you're selfish, or maybe you just don't love me anymore – you're not capable of loving me.
Do you see how in every one of these examples, when your partner's misbehaving it's because it's inherent in who they are, but when you're misbehaving, it's typically because of circumstances and it doesn't have anything to do with you?
That is fundamental attribution error.
And when that starts showing up in your relationship, it will bring out the worst in your partner.
2. Passing Off Your Anxiety To Your Partner
The second thing we're going to talk about is when you pass off your anxiety to your partner.
Dr. David Schnarch says that when you can't control your own negative emotions, what you'll do is try to manipulate and control everybody else's behaviors to make yourself feel calm.
So here's what that might look like:
Maybe I can't handle the anxiety of telling my parents, "We are not coming home for Christmas."
So rather than having that uncomfortable conversation with my parents, I just guilt trip my partner into spending every single Christmas with my family and only doing our traditions at the expense of their family and their traditions.
Here's another example.
Maybe our income has decreased over the last few months and it makes me feel really uncomfortable to have to follow a strict budget and cut back on some lifestyle choices, because it means I can't have the things that I want.
So rather than following a strict budget, and making some financial sacrifices, I get angry at my partner and tell them they're not doing their job to provide for the family. And that gives me permission to continue spending the way that I want to spend, but making it their fault.
Or maybe I'm upset because our marriage feels unfair because I've washed the dishes every single night, this week. And my partner hasn't touched them.
So what do I do to deal with those unfair feelings?
Well, I get angry at my partner and I lectured them, and I nag them, and I make them feel like a failure as a partner, so that they'd hopefully step up their game and do the dishes out of obligation and take that pressure off my shoulders.
When you can't manage your own stress, and anxiety, and negative feelings that inherently show up in any relationship, you're going to pass on the management of those feelings to your partner. And it's going to make them want to withdraw and disengage from the relationship.
The third thing we're going to talk about is invalidation.
This is when you make your partner feel crazy for experiencing life the way they experience it.
Part of what makes us fall in love with somebody is that they make us feel understood.
They get us.
They listen to our perspective, and our opinions, and they validate them. And they put theirselves in our shoes and see the world through our lens.
And what somebody does that for us, it makes us feel not alone, and loved, and accepted for exactly who we are, which is what we want.
And when you take that experience away from your partner, you can leave them feeling completely devastated.
For example, let's say you say something that hurts your partner's feelings. Maybe you use the wrong tone of voice.
It doesn't matter whether you did this intentionally or unintentionally. What matters is that their feelings were hurt.
If they approach you and say, "Hey, that really hurt my feelings."
And you say, "What are you talking about? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're making stupid stuff up in your head. You're crazy. I don't owe you an apology. I didn't do anything wrong."
What do you think their response is going to be?
Well, they're not going to want to get closer to you.
They're going to check out of the relationship.
And more often than not, if this continues over time, your partner is going to seek out somebody who will validate them.
And that could mean the end of your relationship.
The fourth thing on the list of frog farming activities is not responding to your partners bids for connection.
Brené Brown recently told a story at one of Oprah's events about her daughter coming home with really hurt feelings after a day at school.
And she told her mom that she had told some of her close friends a secret at recess.
And when they came back from recess, the entire class knew her secret. And they were making fun of her for it. And they got so disruptive that the teacher started taking marbles out at the marble jar.
If you were ever in elementary school, you probably know what the marble jar was for.
Essentially the way that this teacher ran the room is when the students were behaving, and doing good things, and engaging in the class, she would add marbles to the jar.
And when they were misbehaving and being disruptive, she would take marbles out of the jar.
So Brené Brown's daughter's secret was getting passed around the class, and she was getting teased for it. And the teacher was just taking marbles out of the jar.
And her daughter was just humiliated.
So, she came home and she said, "Mom, I'm never going to trust anybody again."
And Brené, in that moment, saw an opportunity to teach her daughter a little bit about trust.
And she said,
"You know, trust is a little bit like the marble jar. There are some people in our lives who show up for us in little ways, and it's like adding marbles to the jar. Do you have any marble jar friends?"
And her daughter was like, "I do, I do have marble jar friends."
And she started telling her mom stories of friends who would scoot over and make room for her at lunchtime. Or friends who remembered her grandma and grandpa's names.
They would do these little things that made a big difference for her.
And that same marble jar concept holds true in relationships.
Dr. John Gottman did some incredible research where he discovered that the most fulfilled couples on the planet had a ratio, on the low end, of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. And on the high end, that was around 20 positive interactions to every one negative interaction.
So these happy couples are putting more marbles in the jar than they're taking out on a regular basis.
And Dr. Gottman's research also found that when your partner makes a bid to connect with you, when they send you a funny meme on your phone, or they reach out to hold your hand when you're walking by each other, or they ask you how your day was, those positive interactions actually means a lot.
There are essentially three ways you can respond.
- You can respond positively when your partner reaches out to connect with you.
- You can respond negatively and reject their bid for connection.
- Or you can completely ignore it and miss it.
And I think the most interesting part of this research is that a missed bid for connection, or a bid for connection that gets completely ignored, actually does more damage to a relationship than a negative response.
So if your partner is out there sending you texts, leaving you little notes, kissing you on the cheek, and you are ignoring their bids to connect with you. And you're not even responding to them.
Your partner is going to stop trying.
And as a matter of fact, instead of trying to make positive bids for connection, they might start making negative bids for connection. Because just getting a reaction from you, even if it's negative, it means more to them than being completely ignored.
And I think this is the source of a lot of misbehavior in relationships.
Is people get sick of their partner missing or ignoring their bids to connect with them.
The fifth and final frog farming activity that we're going to talk about today is the lack of appreciation.
I was talking to a man the other day and he said,
"I feel like my job in our family is just to be a bank. I'm a sperm bank, I'm a piggy bank. And my partner basically just keeps me around to help parent the kids and pay the bills."
And on the other hand, I've heard women complain that it feels like their partner's, just an extra child that they have to take care of.
They're just a glorified maid, and a chauffeur, and maybe even like a sex object.
But they don't get any real, meaningful connection from their partner.
Now, when I hear people complaining about this, I know immediately that there's a huge lack of gratitude and appreciation in their relationship.
And when I talk to these couples and ask them why they're not more appreciative of their partner, oftentimes the first thing that they say is,
"Why should I express gratitude to my partner for doing the thing that they're supposed to do anyway? It's my partner's job to do the laundry. It's their job to empty the garbage. It's their job to do the dishes. Why should I say, thank you for that? I do my job and I don't get any gratitude for it."
And my response to that is if you go to a restaurant and the server brings you your food, do you say, thank you?
You probably do.
If you're at the grocery store and somebody bags your groceries for you, do you tell them, thank you?
Probably. Because you're a decent person.
So why can you thank those people for doing their jobs and you can't thank your partner for doing theirs?
If expressing some appreciation towards your partner for doing some of those little things that make your life a little bit easier is a net positive on your relationship, why wouldn't you do it?
It costs you nothing.
It's free.
It requires very little effort.
I don't understand why people want to die on this hill. I don't get why they dig their heels in on this
Life is better and relationships are more enjoyable when you're with people who appreciate the contributions that you make.
So be that kind of person!
Be the kind of person that other people like being around.
Nate Bagley
I’m sure you already know some of the things that your husband appreciates, enjoys, and savors.
But what if you had the top-secret guide to the things that bring out the worst in your husband?
To your actions, statements and mindsets that – effectively – turn him from Prince to Frog?
(Because really – who wants to be married to a frog, anyway?)
Here are a few, for starters:
Criticizing him.
Oh, but I would never do that. I mean, except when he’s on his phone too long. Or leaves his socks on the floor next to the hamper. Or gets the kids riled up before bedtime… Ummm, what’s next?
Making helpful suggestions.
Wait – what? But aren’t I supposed to be an aizer kenegdo? How else is he going to stop eating those unhealthy danishes for breakfast, if I don’t tell him what he should be eating? And it really would be easier for him to put together the IKEA bookcase if he reads the instructions first!
How about if we just go through some of the other points for you to think about?
When he accomplishes something (a favor for you, a task around the house, or something in his own world) would you ever…
Withhold appreciation?
“It’s his responsibility to take out the garbage– you want me to thank him too?”
Withhold admiration? “Whaddaya want, a medal?”
Not let him impress you? “I do way more around here – I’m not pumping up his ego for that.”
Do you find yourself…
Comparing him unfavorably to other people?
”Suri’s husband does bedtime AND folds laundry.”
Demeaning his earning abilities or career? “An electrician? When will you get a real job?”
Looking down on his frumkeit or learning level? “Daf yomi recording in the car? That’s not real hasmada.”
When he speaks to you or others, or wants your attention, do you ever
Ignore him?
Roll your eyes?
Finish his sentence or speak on his behalf?
Interrupt him? (Get really honest here)
Do you…
Ask leading questions?
“Is that what you’re eating for lunch?”
Tell him how you would do things?
“When I go down this street, I go under 20 MPH so I don’t bounce on the speed bumps.”
Undo and redo things he did, and then show him?
“This is the way to stack the towels in the closet.”
Demonstrate that you don’t trust him to fulfill his responsibilities?
“Don’t forget to pay the electric bill on time. You don’t want to get a late penalty.”
OK, now take a deep breath.
And be honest with yourself.
How would you rate yourself on all of the above?
OMG, I do almost all of those! But only when I’m actually right.
You, my dear, have earned the dubious honor of being a Frog Farmer.
Your reward?
Although you may care for your husband and wish the best for your marriage, you are most likely consistently – though unintentionally – making it very difficult for him to max out his potential as an amazing husband. Because you can choose to be “right”… OR to have a deeper connection.
Well, maybe sometimes.
But, like, not always out loud. Just in my head. Mostly.
The good news is, you’re ahead of the game. Good for you!
To ramp up the emotional intimacy in your relationship even more, and really bring out your husband’s best side, you’ll want to work on reducing judgment and increasing acceptance and respect.
Nope. Never even entered my mind. I must have found an amazing husband!
Maybe. But most likely, you get some of the credit.
After all, behind every great husband stands a wife who notices and appreciates his strengths, graciously receives what he has to provide, allows him to be her hero, and trusts him to fulfill his role to the best of his abilities.
Hey wait a minute! No fair!
Because my husband really IS irresponsible / unavailable / messy / overly meticulous selfish / uncaring / eccentric / unmotivated / not learning enough / not helping enough / not yeshivish enough / awkward / extravagant / stingy / inefficient / forgetful / picky / materialistic / disorganized / always late / quiet / loud / busy / not what I thought he would be.
That may be true.
Your husband is human, after all – with his own personality, idiosyncrasies, and innate strengths and weaknesses.
Just like you.
And maybe he will change someday. Or maybe he won’t.
But here’s a question to consider:
If you’re doing some of the behaviors above, are they getting you what you really want?
Why not try dropping some of them, and see what happens?
Wouldn’t you love to see what happens when you give him the opportunity to be your Prince?
Alisa Avruch
