One of the hardest lessons to learn is what happens when we become so afraid of losing someone that we stop bringing things up, or asking the kinds of questions we really should be asking.
We tell ourselves we’re being patient, that we don’t want to put pressure on the person, or we don’t want to make things weird or risk pushing them away.
There's a difference between liars and avoiders.
A lot of us spend too much time and energy trying to avoid liars, when the truth is that sooner or later, they reveal themselves. Eventually, they’ll slip up and we’ll see their true colors.
But there’s a more insidious person who’s just as capable of wasting our time as a liar is (and there are many more of them out there than there are liars): the avoider.
This type of person will go out of their way to avoid having a conversation that might inconvenience them, turn us off them, or make us realize they don’t really want a relationship even though they know we do.
That’s where the concept of “leading someone on” comes from.
In that scenario, someone keeps leading us on with their behavior, never really having to admit they don’t want the same things we do.
And why don’t they have to admit that?
Because we avoid the conversation too.
An avoider needs another avoider in order to exist.
When we’re brave enough to ask difficult questions, they can’t continue to avoid the topic.
So avoiders get really good at spotting people who are unlikely to call them on their behavior—taking advantage of the fact that these people are too afraid to ask for more.
When we’re afraid to have a conversation with an avoider, resentment starts to build, and we become bitter—complaining to friends and family and anyone who will listen. (Most of us are avoiding at least one difficult conversation in our lives, whether it’s with a partner, coworker, friend, or family member.)
Some people say they’re afraid to have a difficult conversation in a romantic relationship because they don’t want to be alone again. Yet if they were to look at the situation objectively, they’d realize they already feel alone—alone in their thoughts, desires, and love—because they don’t feel they can express themselves. They’re already not getting what they need. They’re convinced their life will fall apart if they can’t hang on to this person . . . when they don’t truly “have” them to begin with.
When we’re in this situation, we’re walking on eggshells.
Perhaps the last time we tried to bring up something that was important to us, the other person made us feel bad for saying something, judged us, or pulled away.
One of the best ways to stop fearing difficult conversations is to get clear on what our fears are.
To put it in the context of work, maybe we’re afraid to bring up an issue with a coworker because we fear they might give us the cold shoulder or become our enemy in the office.
For those of us who have an anxious attachment style, if our coworker takes offense, freezes us out, or responds aggressively, it will cause our anxiety to skyrocket. When our anxiety takes over, we then go into “fawn mode,” where we let go of our standards and do all we can to keep things peaceful, because we can’t stand to be in conflict.
How can we finally get out of this mode?
It all comes down to necessity.
At some point in our lives, we need to get sick and tired of situations where someone emotionally holds us hostage, emotionally blackmails us, or goes cold.
We need to tell ourselves:
Screw it. I’m not going to have this kind of relationship with people anymore. I can’t keep suppressing the things I feel, or pretending I’m OK with my boundaries being trampled. If me having the “What are we?” conversation six months into dating someone makes them run, then they should go, because they are absolutely not my person. If a friend stops being my friend because I get honest with them about something that’s bothered me, it wasn’t much of a friendship to begin with. If an employee leaves or suddenly turns on me because I give them some feedback, then they’re not the kind of person I want on my team.
Real relationships can withstand challenging conversations (or awkward questions), so don’t make yourself a hostage by giving in to the fear of what will happen if you have them.
In other words, we’re saying we’re not going to enable avoiders anymore, because the only relationships we want in our lives are honest ones built on true connection and intimacy. Ones where we can say what we feel (and the other person can do the same) and it won’t result in someone running.
Rather than having a fear-based relationship with honesty, our biggest fear should be spending our lives in relationships where we can’t really be ourselves—living under the tyranny of anticipated loss instead of the joy of true connections with people who, instead of punishing honesty, reward it.
Matthew Hussey
Sem comentários:
Enviar um comentário