The journey

Posterlounge

Above the mountains

the geese turn into

the light again

Painting their

black silhouettes

on an open sky.

Sometimes everything

has to be

enscribed across

the heavens

so you can find

the one line

already written

inside you.

Sometimes it takes

a great sky

to find that

small, bright

and indescribable

wedge of freedom

in your own heart.

Sometimes with

the bones of the black

sticks left when the fire

has gone out

someone has written

something new

in the ashes of your life.

You are not leaving

you are arriving.

David Whyte 

Analysis (ai): The poem compares the journey of life to the movement of geese, highlighting the cyclical nature of existence. The geese symbolize the soul's transformation and return to its origins. The poem's imagery of the open sky and the heavens represents the vastness of the spiritual realm, where truth is revealed.

The poem's structure resembles a journey itself, with each stanza representing a different stage. 

The beginning explores the process of finding guidance and enlightenment. 

The middle section emphasizes the transformative power of adversity and the need for internal exploration. 

The final stanza offers a sense of arrival and acceptance of the ongoing nature of the journey.

Compared to the author's other works, the poem maintains his characteristic focus on spirituality and the human connection to nature. It aligns with the time period's interest in introspection and the search for meaning in a rapidly changing world. The poem's message of hope and resilience resonates with readers seeking solace and guidance during challenging times.

Your Intuition Can Quietly Sabotage Your Entire Life

Fizkes/Shutterstock

Your Intuition 

Isn’t Wisdom—It’s a Hidden 

Psychological Force 

That Can Quietly Sabotage 

Your Entire Life

Most people trust their “gut feeling” as truth. 

Carl Jung believed something far more unsettling: intuition is powerful—but deeply unreliable when you don’t understand what’s speaking inside you.

You’ve probably heard it a thousand times:

“Trust your intuition.”

“Follow your gut.”

“Your first instinct is always right.”

It sounds almost sacred—like there is a clean, inner voice inside you that already knows what to do, long before logic catches up.

But Carl Jung didn’t fully agree with that popular belief.

In fact, he would have been deeply cautious about how modern people use the word intuition.

Because what most people call intuition is not a pure source of wisdom.

It is often something else entirely:

A mixture of unconscious memory, emotional residue, pattern recognition, fear, projection, and past experiences you never fully processed.

And the most uncomfortable truth is this:

You are not always “using intuition.”

Sometimes, you are being used by it.

You Think You’re Making Choices—But You’re Not: 

Jung’s 5 Psychological Mechanisms Quietly Shaping Who You Are Becoming

The uncomfortable truth is not that you lack control—but that most of what you call “you” was built outside your awareness.

There is a comforting myth we all live by:

“I am the author of my own life.”

Carl Jung would have called this a necessary illusion.

Because beneath your daily decisions—what you eat, who you love, what you avoid, what you call “personality”—there is something far less romantic happening.

You are not simply choosing.

You are being structured.

And most of it happens without your permission.

Not in some dramatic, cinematic way—but in subtle psychological mechanics so consistent, so invisible, that you mistake them for “who you are.”

Jung spent his life trying to map these forces.

And if you understand them, one unsettling realization begins to surface:

You are not becoming yourself.

You are being assembled.

Here are the five mechanisms that quietly shape the “you” you believe is making decisions:

1. The Persona: The Mask You Forgot You’re Wearing

You don’t meet people as you are.

You meet them as a carefully constructed version of yourself.

• Your tone at work.
• Your patience with strangers.
• Your humor in groups.
• Your restraint in conflict.

Jung called this the Persona—the social mask designed for survival.

At first, it is useful. Even necessary.

But over time, something strange happens:

The mask stops feeling like a mask.

You begin to defend it as identity.

“I’m just a calm person.”

“I’m naturally confident.”

“I’m not the emotional type.”

But Jung’s warning was brutal:

The Persona doesn’t just hide you from others.

It hides you from yourself.

And one day, you may discover something uncomfortable:

You are not expressing your personality.

You are maintaining a performance that began so early you forgot it was ever chosen.

2. The Shadow: The Life You Refuse to Admit Exists in You

There are traits you proudly claim:

“I’m kind.”

“I’m rational.”

“I’m in control.”

And then there are traits you exile:

Anger. Jealousy. Neediness. Desire. Aggression.

Jung called this buried region the Shadow.

But repression does not eliminate it.

It redirects it.

It leaks out in sarcasm, passive aggression, sudden overreactions, irrational dislikes.

That moment when you say:

“I don’t know why I reacted like that.”

That was not confusion.

That was the Shadow speaking without permission.

And here is the unsettling truth:

The more “good” you think you are, the darker your Shadow tends to become.

Because what is denied does not disappear—it accumulates pressure.

Until it breaks through.

3. Complexes: The Invisible Programs Running Your Reactions

1. Why do certain comments hurt more than others?
2. Why do specific people instantly irritate you?
3. Why does a harmless situation suddenly feel emotionally charged?

Jung discovered something disturbing:

You are not reacting to reality.

You are reacting to emotional “clusters” stored inside you.

He called them Complexes.

They are formed from emotional memory—often childhood experiences—and behave like autonomous sub-personalities.

• A rejection complex.
• An abandonment complex.
• An inferiority complex.

And once triggered, logic becomes irrelevant.

You are no longer “you.”

You are a system being activated.

Which explains something most people never admit:

You are far less rational than you believe—and far more predictable than you realize.

4. Projection: Seeing Your Inner World on Other People

When you strongly admire or strongly dislike someone, you often believe it is about them.

Jung suggested something more disturbing:

You are not seeing them.

You are seeing yourself, displaced.

You project your unconscious qualities onto others:

• The confidence you suppress becomes admiration.
• The insecurity you deny becomes judgment.
• The desire you reject becomes obsession.

This is why relationships feel so emotionally charged.

You are not just interacting with people.

You are interacting with your own unrecognized psyche—reflected back at you in human form.

And this leads to a destabilizing question:

How much of your “opinions about others” are actually unfinished conversations with yourself?

5. Individuation: The Rare Process of Becoming Conscious of the Mechanism

Jung did not believe escape from these forces was simple.

In fact, he believed most people never fully escape at all.

But he described a process called Individuation—the slow integration of the unconscious self into awareness.

Not elimination.

Integration.

It begins when you notice something terrifying:

“I am not as unified as I thought.”

1. You contain contradictions.
2. Conflicting desires.
3. Hidden impulses.
4. Multiple versions of yourself competing for control.

Individuation is not becoming “better.”

It is becoming aware of what is already operating inside you.

And that awareness changes everything.

Because once you see the mechanism, it can no longer fully control you.

The Uncomfortable Conclusion

Jung’s psychology does not offer comfort.

It offers exposure.

And what it exposes is this:

1. Most of what you call “personality” is unconscious structure.
2. Most of what you call “choice” is pattern recognition.
3. Most of what you call “self” is inherited psychology acting itself out.

But there is a paradox:

Even if you are shaped, you are not fixed.

Awareness creates friction in the system.

And friction creates possibility.

You may not be as free as you believe.

But you are also not as trapped as you fear.

The real turning point is not when you “become someone new.”

It is when you finally see the invisible architecture shaping who you already are.

And realize, for the first time:

You are not only the product of your mind.

You are the witness of it.

Zenya

Return to Your Soul

Ölümsüz

 

For ages you have come and

gone courting this delusion.

For ages you have

run from the pain

and forfeited the ecstasy.

So come, return to

the root of the root

of your own soul.

Although you appear

in earthly form

your essence is

pure Consciousness.

You are the fearless

guardian of Divine Light.

So come, return to

the root of the root

of your own soul.

When you lose

all sense of self

the bonds of a

thousand chains

will vanish.

Lose yourself

completely,

return to

the root of the root

of your own soul.

You descended from Adam,

by the pure Word of God,

but you turned your sight

to the empty show

of this world.

Alas, how can you be

satisfied with so little?

So come, return

to the root of the root

of your own soul.

Why are you so

enchanted by this world

when a mine of gold

lies within you?

Open your eyes

and come 

Return to

the root of the root

of your own soul.

You were born from

the rays of God's Majesty

when the stars were

in their perfect place.

How long will you

suffer from the blows

of a nonexistent hand?

So come, return

to the root of the root

of your own soul.

You are a ruby

encased in granite.

How long will you

deceive us with

this outer show?

O friend, We can see

the truth in your eyes!

So come, return

to the root of the root

of your own soul.

After one moment with

that glorious Friend

you became loving,

radiant, and ecstatic.

Your eyes were

sweet and full of fire.

Come, return

to the root of the root

of your own soul.

Shams-e Tabriz,

the King of the Tavern

has handed you

an eternal cup,

And God in all

His glory is

pouring the wine.

So come! Drink!

Return

to the root of the root

of your own soul.

Soul of all souls,

life of all life - you are That.

Seen and unseen,

moving and unmoving -

you are That.

The road that leads

to the City is endless;

Go without head and feet

and you'll already be there.

What else could you be? -

you are That.

Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi

Can the Mind Be Free of Conditioning?

 

SELF-KNOWLEDGE, or the learning about yourself every day, brings about a new mind. 

You have denied the old mind. 

Through self-knowledge, you have denied your conditioning totally. 

The conditioning of the mind can be denied only when the mind is aware of its operations, how it works, what it thinks, what it says, its motives.

There is another factor involved. 

We think it is a gradual process, that it will take time to free the mind from conditioning. 

We think that it will take days or years to uncondition our conditioned mind, gradually, day after day. 

This implies acquiring knowledge in order to dissipate conditioning, which means you are not learning but acquiring. A mind that is acquiring is not learning. A mind that uses knowledge to achieve a sense of liberation must have time. Such a mind thinks it must have time to free itself from its conditioning, which means it is going to acquire knowledge, and as the knowledge expands, it will become freer and freer. This is utterly false.

There Is No Gradual Process Towards Freedom or Peace

AS LONG AS THE WORLD is broken up into nationalities, as long as it is divided by faiths, beliefs and dogmas, there can be no peace at all. There can be peace only when all nationalism ceases, when all beliefs which divide man come to an end. This can happen only when the mind is free from all conditioning, when the mind no longer thinks in terms of America or Russia, communist, socialist or capitalist, Catholic, Protestant or Hindu. 

We can only deal with the many problems that arise when we approach them as human beings, that is, when we are not conditioned in any of these patterns cultivated for generations. It is arduous, really difficult to break down the enclosures that the mind has built around itself.

If we are to survive in this mad, chaotic world, surely it is imperative that each one of us should consider this problem of freeing the mind from its conditioning. This does not mean the cultivation of better conditioning, but freedom from all conditioning. It is impossible to be aware of the total process of our being as long as we are not aware of our own conditioning. 

Each one of us is conditioned by the climate, the food we eat, and other physiological influences. Those we know how to deal with. But of the deeper conditioning of the psyche, the inward, very few of us are aware, and it is that which dictates, controls and shapes our actions.

As most of us are unconscious of our conditioning, is it not first of all essential to be aware of it? 

Each one of us is conditioned, as a Christian or as belonging to some other group with certain ideas, beliefs and dogmas contrary to other ideas, beliefs and dogmas. These very beliefs and dogmas create enmity and maintain division between man and man. 

So is it not important to ask ourselves whether it is possible for the mind to free itself from all conditioning? Is it possible not to belong to any group or religion? 

Which does not mean entering another conditioned state, becoming an atheist, a communist or something else. 

To be free from all conditioning is not to seek better conditioning. I think that is the real crux of the matter, because only when the mind is unconditioned can it tackle the problem of living as a total process, not just on one sectionalised level of our existence.

Can you and I be aware of our conditioning? 

Is it possible to be free of it? 

Can any action of the will bring about that freedom? 

I realise I am conditioned, as a Hindu or what you will, and I see the effects of that conditioning in my relationship with others, which is really a relationship of resistance, creating its own problems. 

1. Can I break down that conditioning by an act of will, by saying to myself I must not be conditioned, I must think differently, I must consider human beings as a whole, and so on? 
2. Can the conditioning be broken down through any action of the will? After all, what is it that we call the will? 
3. Is it not the process of desire centred in the ‘me’ that wants to achieve a result?

I see I am conditioned, and I want to know how to break it down because that conditioning prevents me from thinking clearly. It prevents a direct relationship with people. It creates resistance, and resistance creates its own problems. 

1. So, seeing the whole implication of the effects of conditioning, how is my mind to free itself from conditioning? 
2. Do you understand the problem? 
3. Is the entity that desires to free the mind from conditioning different from the mind itself? 

If it is different, the problem of effort and the action of will come into being. 

Is the ‘I’, the thinker, the person who says, ‘I am conditioned, and I must be free,’ the ‘I’ who makes an effort to be free, is that ‘I’, that will, that desire, different from the conditioned state? 

Please, this is not complicated. 

You are bound to ask yourself this question when you look at the problem. 

• Am I, who wishes to free myself from conditioning, different from the conditioning, or are they both the same? 
• If they are the same, which they are, then how is it possible for the mind to free itself from conditioning?

Your mind is conditioned, and this conditioning is preventing peace and creating war, destruction and misery. Unless you resolve your conditioning completely, there will be no real peace in the world; there will be the peace of politicians, between two immense powers, which is terror. 

To have peace, the mind must be totally unconditioned. 

One must realise that, not superficially and not as insurance for your security. 

Peace is a state of mind; it is not the development of monstrous means of destroying each other and then maintaining peace through terror. To have real peace in the world is to be able to live happily, creatively, without any sense of fear, without being secure in any thought or any way of life. To have such peace, the mind must be totally free from all conditioning, either externally imposed or inwardly cultivated. 

Can your mind, which is conditioned—because all minds are conditioned—can such a mind free itself from its own effects, desires and conditioned state?

So, is there a part of the mind not conditioned, which can take over, control or destroy the conditioned mind? 

Or is the mind totally conditioned at all times, and therefore cannot act upon itself? 

When it realises that it cannot act upon itself, will not the mind be utterly still, without movement towards its conditioning? 

For most of us, freedom implies freedom from something. 

Freedom from something is resistance against something and therefore is not freedom. 

I am talking not of freedom from something, but of being free. 

Being free is not becoming free; being peaceful is not becoming peaceful. 

There is no gradual process toward freedom or peace—either you are peaceful, or you are not peaceful. What we are trying to find out is whether the mind which has been conditioned for centuries, generation upon generation, can free itself. Surely, it can be free only when there is no action of will, when it realises that it is conditioned and does not make any effort to free itself from its conditioning. When my mind knows that its way of thinking is oriental, whatever that may mean, when it fully realises that, will it then think along the Western line, which is another form of conditioning, or will it cease thinking in any particular pattern and therefore be free to think?

This is a very important point to understand; it is the crux of the matter, because a conditioned mind can never find out what is true, a conditioned mind can never discover what God is. It can project its own images, dogmas and beliefs, thinking it has found God, but that is still the action of a limited, conditioned mind. 

If I see that, perceive it as a fact, will any action on my part be necessary? 

If I know I am blind, I have quite a different approach to life, I develop a different perception. 

In the same way, when I know that I am conditioned, that my thinking is limited, and that a limited mind, whatever its experiences, however much knowledge it acquires, is still limited; when I realise that, is any action on my part necessary to break down that limitation? 

Will not that limitation break down of itself when I know the mind is limited? 

Therefore, is there not an instantaneous freedom from conditioning? 

Most of us think that an analytical process will ultimately bring about the freedom of the mind because we are so used to thinking in terms of making an effort. We say, ‘I must break down this conditioning, I must produce a result, I must do something.’ But the ‘I’ who is acting is itself conditioned. The ‘I’ is the conditioned mind, and therefore it cannot break down that conditioning.

When the whole of me realises that I cannot break down conditioning, that whatever I do about it—discipline, worship, prayer, anything through which the ‘me’ makes an effort to break down any part of itself—is still limited, then does not the action of the ‘me’ come to an end? 

And the very ending of this effort is the cessation of conditioning.

Please, experiment with this. 

If you have listened rightly, you will see that the mind cannot do a thing about its conditioning. 

It can explore, it can analyse, it can achieve certain results, but it is always limited. 

Whatever its projections, hopes or fulfilments, they are always the result of its background and therefore limited. 

When the mind realises that, is there not an instantaneous cessation without any compulsion of this ‘I’ which is seeking, searching, hoping, gaining? 

After all, that is meditation, which is not through any action of will. 

It is the meditation of the mind, which is tranquillity. A mind that is merely caught in desires, in achieving a result, in knowing, in experiencing can never be a still mind. When a limited mind meditates, when it thinks of God, its God and its meditation are still petty. 

However much a mediocre mind may be expanded, however much it knows, it is still mediocre, small, petty, and therefore its problems will always remain petty, unsolvable.

So, what is important is to realise all this, not merely through hearing what I am saying, but through seeing it for yourself, experiencing directly that your mind is small, limited. And being limited, however much it may know, whatever experiences it may have, it is still limited, and therefore can never find out what is true, what is real. Reality comes into being only when there is a total cessation of all conditioning, that is, when the mind is free and therefore still.

Krishnamurti 

New York 1954

THE MIND IS THE RESULT of the past, which is the process of conditioning. 

How is it possible for the mind to be free? 

To be free, the mind must not only see and understand its pendulum-like swing between the past and the future but also be aware of the interval between thoughts. That interval is spontaneous; it is not brought about through any causation, wish or compulsion.

If you watch very carefully, you will see that though the response, the movement of thought, seems so swift, there are gaps, there are intervals between thoughts. Between two thoughts is a period of silence unrelated to the thought process. If you observe, you will see that that period of silence, that interval, is not of time and the discovery of that interval, the full experiencing of that interval, liberates you from conditioning—or rather it does not liberate ‘you’ but there is liberation from conditioning. 

So the understanding of the process of thinking is meditation. 

We are not only discussing the structure and the process of thought, which is the background of memory, experience and knowledge, but we are also trying to find out if the mind can liberate itself from the background. It is only when the mind is not giving continuity to thought when it is still—a stillness not induced, that is, without any causation—only then can there be freedom from the background.

From Krishnamurti

in, Book The First and Last Freedom

Any Movement of the Mind To Be Free Is the Result of Its Conditioning

OUR MANY PROBLEMS cannot be solved except through a fundamental revolution of the mind. 

Such a revolution alone can bring about the realisation of that which is truth. 

Therefore it is important to understand the operation of one’s mind, not analytically or introspectively but by being aware of its total process. 

If we do not see ourselves as we are, if we do not understand the thinker—the entity that seeks, that is perpetually asking, demanding, questioning, trying to find out, the entity that is creating the problem, the ‘I’, the self, the ego—then our thought and search will have no meaning. As long as one’s instrument of thinking is not clear, is perverted, conditioned, whatever one thinks is bound to be limited, narrow.

It is possible to find out what is real, or if there is such a thing as God, only when the mind is free from all conditioning. The mere occupation of a conditioned mind with God, truth or love, has no meaning at all, for such a mind can function only within the field of its conditioning. The communist who does not believe in God thinks in one way, and the man who believes in God, who is occupied with dogma, thinks in another way. But the minds of both are conditioned, therefore neither can think freely and all their protestations, theories and beliefs have very little meaning. 

So religion is not a matter of going to church, of having beliefs and dogmas. 

Religion may be something entirely different, the total freeing of the mind from this vast tradition of centuries. It is only a free mind that can find truth, reality, that which is beyond the projections of the mind.

This is not a theory of mine. 

As we can see from what is happening in the world, the communists want to settle the problems of life in one way, the Hindus in another, the Christians in still another—their minds are conditioned. Your mind is conditioned, whether you acknowledge it or not. 

You may superficially break away from a tradition, but the deep layers of the unconscious are full of that tradition, conditioned by centuries of education according to a pattern. 

A mind that would find something beyond, if there is such a thing, must first be free of all conditioning.

We are not discussing self-improvement in any way, nor are we concerned with the improvement of the pattern; we are not seeking to condition the mind in a nobler pattern, or a pattern of wider social significance. On the contrary, we are trying to find out how to free the mind, the total consciousness, from all conditioning, for unless that happens, there can be no experiencing of reality. 

You may talk about reality, you may read volumes about it, read the sacred books of the East and the West, but until the mind is aware of its process, until it sees itself functioning in a pattern and can be free from that conditioning, all search is vain.

So it seems to me of the greatest importance to begin with ourselves, to be aware of our own conditioning. It is only the mind that is capable of patiently observing its conditioning and being free from it that is able to have a revolution, a radical transformation, and thereby to discover that which is infinitely beyond the mind, beyond all our desires, vanities and pursuits. 

Without self-knowledge, without knowing oneself as one is—not as one would like to be, which is merely an illusion, an idealistic escape—without knowing the ways of one’s thinking, all one’s motives, thoughts and innumerable responses, it is not possible to understand and go beyond this whole process of thinking.

It is important to understand the difference between attention and concentration. 

Concentration implies choice, trying to concentrate on what I am saying, so your mind is focused, made narrow, and other thoughts intervene. So there is not an actual listening, but a battle going on in the mind, a conflict between what you are hearing and your desire to translate it, to apply what I am talking about, and so on. Whereas, attention is something entirely different. 

In attention, there is no focusing, no choice; there is complete awareness without any interpretation. If we can listen so attentively, completely, to what is being said, that very attention brings about the miracle of change within the mind itself.

What we are talking about is something of immense importance, because unless there is a fundamental revolution in each one of us, I do not see how we can bring about a radical change in the world. And surely that radical change is essential. 

Mere economic revolution is of no importance at all. 

There can be only a religious revolution, and the religious revolution cannot take place if the mind is merely conforming to the pattern of previous conditioning. As long as one is a Christian or a Hindu, there can be no fundamental revolution in this true religious sense of the word. And we do need such a revolution. When the mind is free from all conditioning, you will find that there comes the creativity of reality, of God, and it is only such a mind, a mind constantly experiencing this creativity, that can bring about a different outlook, different values, a different world.

So it is important to understand oneself. 

Self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom. 

Self-knowledge is not according to any psychologist, book or philosopher, but it is to know oneself as one is from moment to moment. 

To know oneself is to observe what one thinks, how one feels, not just superficially, but to be deeply aware of ‘what is’ without condemnation, judgment, evaluation or comparison. 

Try it, and you will see how extraordinarily difficult it is for a mind that has been trained for centuries to compare, condemn, judge and evaluate, to stop that whole process and simply observe ‘what is’. 

Unless this takes place, not only at the superficial level but right through the whole content of consciousness, there can be no delving into the profundity of the mind.

Our problem is not what societies you should belong to, what kind of activities you should indulge in, what books you should read, and all that superficial business, but how to free the mind from conditioning. The mind is not merely the waking consciousness occupied with daily activities, but also the deep layers of the unconscious in which there is the whole residue of the past, tradition and racial instincts. All that is the mind, and unless that total consciousness is free right through, our search, inquiry and discovery will be limited, narrow and petty.

So the mind is conditioned right through—there is no part of the mind not conditioned. 

Can such a mind free itself? 

And who is the entity that can free it? 

The mind is the total consciousness, with all its different layers of knowledge, acquisition, tradition, racial instincts, memory. Can such a mind free itself, or can the mind be free only when it sees that it is conditioned and that any movement from this conditioning is still another form of conditioning?

The mind is completely conditioned. 

This is an obvious fact if you come to think about it. It is not my invention; it is a fact. 

We belong to a society; we were brought up according to an ideology, with dogmas and traditions. 

The vast influence of culture and society is continually conditioning the mind. 

How can such a mind be free, since any movement of the mind to be free is the result of its conditioning and must bring about further conditioning? 

There is only one answer. 

The mind can be free only when it is completely still. 

Though it has problems, innumerable urges, conflicts and ambitions, if—through self-knowledge, through watching itself without acceptance or condemnation—the mind is choicelessly aware of its own process, then out of that awareness comes an astonishing silence, a quietness of the mind in which there is no movement of any kind. It is only then that the mind is free. It is no longer desiring anything, no longer seeking, no longer pursuing a goal or ideal—which are all the projections of a conditioned mind.

If you ever come to that understanding, in which there can be no self-deception, you will find that there is a possibility of the coming into being of that extraordinary thing called creativity. Then only can the mind realise that which is measureless, which may be called God or truth. You may be socially prosperous, you may have possessions, cars, houses, superficial peace, but unless that which is measureless comes into being, there will always be sorrow. 

Freeing the mind from conditioning is the ending of sorrow.

Krishnamurti 

Ojai 1955

Boundaries

Mattia on Unsplash

I have these here for me

even though you think they

are some reflection on you

and maybe in a way, they are

because your obliviousness

is the linchpin of this measure

My boundaries are protection

from the emotional interruption

that you cause in my life

and when I say you, it’s not just you

because so many people

try to cross a line that they know

is drawn in the sand for a reason

If you are confused about boundaries

it’s likely because you don’t have any

and that is why you are unprotected

in the wild of everyday life

allowing others to suck your blood

and sap your energy

I don’t feel bad about my boundaries,

I feel proud about my boundaries

because the confidence of self-care

is the mindful practice I need

to make the back half all it should be

and

I am fine with you not being along

for this wonderful ride

Jonathan Greene

Understanding Emotional Boundaries

 

Ana and Jeff met for the first time at one of my workshops in New York. They described their spontaneous chemistry as love at first sight. It was as if they were destined to be together.

As their connection strengthened, Ana came closer to having to face her past. Hidden inside her emotional closet was a traumatic event that she felt had been safely tucked away and forgotten about. As Ana fell deeper in love with Jeff she realized she had to tell him that she had been raped in her past and struggled with trusting men.

Jeff was an attractive, handsome man with an athletic build. As Jeff fell deeper in love with Ana he had to come closer to facing his toxic relationship with his mother. He needed to learn to set stronger emotional boundaries with her so he could fully let Ana in.

I had worked with Ana privately before she met Jeff. Ana was feeling more and more like a fraud in her career and in working on herself in personal transformation courses. She desperately tried to hide her emotional scars, and disguise the pain of her past through trying to please others rather than put herself first. Ana couldn’t shake the voice deep inside that told her “you’re worthless”.

Meanwhile, Jeff fought his incessant fears that he was never good enough. The toxic influence in Jeff’s past appeared through his relationship with an overbearing mother who kept involving herself in his life. As a result he struggled in his relationships with women. He avoided intimacy with previous partners through having affairs that would ultimately lead to the end of these relationships. Jeff also felt like a fraud when it came to intimacy. A part of him felt like he was “play acting” in his previous relationships with women. He found with Ana things were different. He felt like he could be himself but didn’t know how. He desperately wanted this relationship to work and vowed to stop his destructive pattern of cheating.

Only months after they started dating, Ana and Jeff sensed something was wrong. Jeff felt ready to make a deeper commitment. But the more he tried to show he loved Ana, the more controlling and anxious she seemed to him. In contrast Ana was becoming frustrated with Jeff as his eyes started to wander onto other women when they were together. She was ready to end the entire relationship as her anger at him grew.

What are Emotional Boundaries?

When I began working with Ana and Jeff I decided to employ a new technique I was developing at the time. I called it Boundaries Kung Fu. This would become the core of what would later evolve into my Yogaboxing workout system. The technique involved using the hands as a communication device, akin to sign language. Only, there was no structured vocabulary to learn and no specific memorization needed to understand the pushing gestures with the hands. There was just the idea that emotions can be expressed more clearly through body movements than through mental thoughts. Thus my concept grew into an opportunity to use Chi Gong based hand movements as the most effective way to create a physicalized barrier of psychological safety around the body. This barrier is often referred to as an emotional boundary.

1. Emotional boundaries help us define our personal space that we can defend safely and feel a sense of individuation. 
2. Boundaries help to protect us from becoming too involved in the external affairs of others and empower us to say “no” to things we don’t want so we can say “yes” to the things we really want. 
3. Boundaries also empower us to let go of any guilt for standing up for ourselves against the shame placed on us by others who may try to make us feel small.

Boundaries help us experience our own internal thoughts, feelings and emotions separately from others so we can understand more about ourselves. Boundaries are an essential part of the development of an intrinsic sense of self as an autonomous being that is worthy and deserving. 

Having a strong sense of autonomy allows us to create a world that reflects our individual values, sense of purpose and supports operating with a vision of our highest ideals.

Ana and Jeff struggled with their individual connection to autonomy. 

Like many, they focused their attention on trying to control external people and events rather than valuing their internal process. 

This was at the heart of their feelings of unworthiness, fraudulence and helplessness.

I designed Boundaries Kung Fu as a way to have a clearly defined experience of our own safe and sacred space where nothing is allowed inside unless it is first given permission to enter. This emotional self-defense technique allows us to take control of our internal and external experiences so we can choose what to take in that can nourish us, and what to reject that is toxic.

After successfully using Boundaries Kung Fu and Yogaboxing with Ana and Jeff over 6 months the couple became engaged and eventually married. Ana was able to not only heal her trauma memories around her rape but she was able to let go of the core belief that she was worthless. She soon lost any feelings of being a fraud. Jeff was able to learn how to set strong boundaries with women, including his mother. He was able to feel more comfortable being himself around Ana when it came to compassionately challenging her and emotionally holding her. He also lost any feelings of fraudulence in himself and started to feel more like a man around Ana. Jeff’s eyes stopped wandering, and Ana started to deepen in her trust of him.

So What Happened?

The secret to boundaries and specifically to why Boundaries Kung Fu and Yogaboxing work is the simple idea of engaging the body over the mind in establishing a sense of safety. 

Think about this example:

Imagine one quiet evening when you’re lounging in your favorite place in your home and suddenly there’s a power cut and all the lights go out. There’s no electricity in your entire home and the room is pitch black. What’s the first thing you would think you do? Most likely, you would maneuver your way to find an exit so you can locate a source of light somewhere. Because the room is so dark, this is not an easy task.

As you maneuver your way through the dark room it is instinctive to extend your hands out in front of you and use your palms and fingertips to feel and sense your way through the space. This feeling and sensing experience is called a “felt sense” and it is neurobiologically designed to bypass your thinking mind and access your body’s internal, non-thinking process called instincts. In this case your felt sense is replacing your eyes because you cannot see anything, but you can instinctively sense your way through space. This is how your brain is wired to use other senses when your primary sense of vision is suddenly unavailable. As such your hands act as antennae to help you navigate a path to safety.

This same “felt sense” concept applies to using Yogaboxing techniques and Boundaries Kung Fu. Extending your hands out in front of you to physicalize a safe, emotional boundary instinctively silences anxiety in your mind and helps you focus on a specific goal of pushing away and saying “no” to what you don’t want or “yes” to what you do want. 

In trauma terms Pat Ogden, founder of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, refers to this as mobilizing active defenses. Meaning, as you establish an emotional perimeter around you, your hands help you establish your own sense of psychological safety as you feel more connected with your body’s ability to defend itself against possible emotional encroachment.

Finding Their Superpowers

Working on their boundaries both individually and together Ana and Jeff were able to experience a sense of what psychologist Robert Kegan calls self-authorship. This is where you are able to essentially become the master of your own internal experience and have the power to coordinate your sense of intrinsic values, sense of purpose and self-beliefs into an authentic narrative reflecting more of who you really are. 

This is important in being able to take ownership of your superpowers and it involves a powerful combination of feeling autonomous, worthy, and deserving of what you want.

This is where saying “no” to what you don’t want makes it easier for you to say “yes” to what you do want. The difference is autonomy and self-authorship. These empower you to operate at your highest level and inside of your highest good. This is what it means to own your superpowers.

For Ana this meant saying “no” to her rapist and physically fighting back and finding her way to safety by doing what Bessel van der Kolk coined as “taking effective action”. Ana physicalized her defensive actions through boxing movements where she used her hands as a way to express her anger and thereby protect herself from the perpetrator. Once she experienced this healthy channelling of anger her people pleasing instincts weakened as did her connection with feeling like a fraud.

Likewise, Jeff worked through his anger at his mother and realized how he felt trapped in guilt in relating to her. Once he established his boundaries and pushed this guilt outside and far away he was able to feel more authentic and act more consistently with what he believed. This ended his feelings that he was “play acting” when he was with Ana. Rather than feel compelled to run away from his feelings like he had in the past, Jeff was able to speak with Ana more openly about his vulnerable emotions and this helped him trust her more and himself more. 

The last I heard from Ana and Jeff they were planning for the birth of their first child.

How Are Your Boundaries?

Here are a few questions to consider in addressing your own emotional boundaries.

• Where do I agree to do things that I really don’t want to do?

• What do I let happen around me that I’m sick of tolerating?

• Where am I holding back on speaking about myself and putting myself forward for something I really want?

• What am I tired of dealing with and people-pleasing instead of being more “boundaried”?

• What am I taking personally that was meant to be feedback about my performance or something I did?

• Where do I let someone take me for granted and I didn’t speak up about it?

• What conversations have I had recently where I left feeling badly about myself?

As you answer these consider how you can let go of what others think about you, and only focus on what you can control, like what you want and what you deserve. This means letting go of what is outside of your control like other people’s reactions, judgements or opinions about you that you simply have no control over.

This idea is central to strengthening your sense of autonomy and developing a connection with self-authorship. It initially challenges people’s views like Ana and Jeff who once believed they could control others’ reactions and opinions and therefore control how people behaved. 

But cognitive psychology indicates this is not the case. 

Believing this is what often leads to work-related burnout, anxiety, depression and other mental health challenges, not to mention relationship sabotage.

By replacing the word “control” with “influence” makes emotional boundaries easier to understand. What you can do is influence people’s perspectives about you by monitoring your behavior towards them. This area is called locus of control where you can only truly control that which is internal to you (like your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors). 

Locus of control is the main cognitive tool that is the foundation of emotional boundaries. 

You cannot as easily control what is external to you (like other people’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors) although you can wield influence. 

Stephen Covey develops this theme in his best-selling work on Circles of Influence in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Circles of Influence

In Covey’s methods is the simplest concept that highlights an important lesson in management and leadership, in relationships and in self-help. As Ana and Jeff were successful in applying their emotional boundaries to their relationship, Circles of Influence mirrors how we can all be successful by focusing more on what we can control than on what we cannot control.

To highlight this valuable tool consider drawing two concentric circles on a blank sheet of paper. Draw one larger circle and one smaller circle inside the larger circle.

The larger circle represents issues you are concerned about, care about or that you currently find stressful that you have no control over. Covey calls this a Circle of Concern. 

The smaller circle inside the larger circle is what Covey calls Circle of Influence. These are issues that you can take direct action toward changing where you have more input and influence.

Immediately in doing this exercise and looking at these two concentric circles you can get the gist of what Covey is saying. Issues that you’re concerned about and have no control over are typically going to outnumber the issues that you can truly influence. 

However, as your influence grows your smaller inner circle grows also. 

This means you’ve put your time and energy into focusing on those issues you can directly influence and you’ve benefited from the positive results and so has everyone else around you. People start to trust you more and value your input as you’ve listened well and successfully implemented feedback from others. This is how Ana and Jeff were able to transform their relationship from near breaking point, to marriage and having a child. 

They began asking questions rather than making accusations. 

They listened to each other and valued each other’s feedback. 

Trust grew, fear dropped and they felt happier with each other as a result.

Here’s Covey’s next valuable point. 

People who are reactive focus much of their time and energy on trying to control issues they’re most worried about in their larger Circle of Concern. 

Remember, this larger circle represents issues that are simply out of your control that you cannot do anything directly to change. This nearly ended Ana and Jeff’s relationship when it first began as they were both focused more on trying to change each other than focusing on what they could change inside themselves.

The moral of the story? 

Emotional boundaries and Circles of Influence are critical to you being successful at anything you do. When you practice the valuable skill of focusing your time and energy in saying “no” to issues you cannot control and “yes” to actions and behaviors directly in your control you won’t flounder in a sea of overwork, people pleasing and fear about the future. 

Instead you’ll expand your influence, bring people closer to you, have more energy available to enjoy your work and relationships and improve your resilience overall.

Joshua Isaac Smith 

in, COMPOSURE: The Art of Executive Presence

Relato sentimental da memória

empowernetwork

 

Amor e tempo é um conflito

que se resolve sempre com dor e esquecimento.

Porque compreender não quer dizer amar,

mas afastar-se mais: já o suspeitava

há muitos anos, quando ainda exercia arquitectura.

Aprendo tudo de novo.

Agora preciso apenas de lealdade

a alguma coisa vaga e solitária,

dura como uma rocha no meio do mar.

Às vezes a mente dos velhos

engrena com fúria a sua lógica.

Vejam-na deambular pelas suas memórias:

percorre uma costa desolada,

porque compreender não quer dizer amar,

mas afastar-se mais. Aprendo tudo de novo.

Joan Margarit