Basket of Figs

Pumarck-Favim

 Bring me your pain, love. Spread 

it out like fine rugs, silk sashes, 

warm eggs, cinnamon

and cloves in burlap sacks. Show me

the detail, the intricate embroidery 

on the collar, tiny shell buttons, 

the hem stitched the way you were taught,

pricking just a thread, almost invisible.

Unclasp it like jewels, the gold 

still hot from your body. Empty 

your basket of figs. Spill your wine.

That hard nugget of pain, I would suck it, 

cradling it on my tongue like the slick 

seed of pomegranate. I would lift it

tenderly, as a great animal might 

carry a small one in the private 

cave of the mouth.

Ellen Bass

in,  Mules of Love

Sexless Marriage

 Question: I hear from many women who love their husbands, but have no desire to have sex with them. They really have little sexual desire at all. These women are often in their 40s and perimenopausal. They have no desire to open up their relationship and are not sure what to do. While a part of them wants to sexually satisfy their husbands, the lack of desire makes it challenging, if not impossible.

Esther’s take: For years, many sex therapists assumed that if you have no desire inside the bedroom, that means there are problems outside the bedroom with communication, division of labor, life stressors, etc. That is not necessarily true. Esther has spoken with many couples who are otherwise happy in their relationships. They don’t harbor resentment toward their partners or struggle with external stressors that affect their desire.

Direct quote: 

When I hear this, I ask them: 

“What is it like to live in a state of deadness—of flatness?”

This really hit me, and I know personally, when I have no desire to have sex at all—with anyone—it’s a sign that I’m depressed. I am emotionally flat. Desire, horniness, the ability to want is healthy, at least for me. It makes me feel alive. Esther would agree with the sentiment. 

It’s why she doesn’t just say, “If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to.”

To clarify, she’s not encouraging you to have sex when you desperately don’t want to—and of course, you have autonomy over your body and can decline sex at any point—but she will encourage you to reconnect with your desire. There are various ways to reconnect, one of which is to share stories with your partner, connect on a deeper level, and get to know sides of them you never knew, even though you’d been married to them for two decades.

Learning new things about your partner doesn’t just deepen your connection. 

Ironically, it can add a layer of mystique, of mystery, that can be arousing. 

In other words, you don’t know everything about your partner; he’s not just the same man you’ve had dinner with for the past twenty years. That mystique can lead to arousal and desire.

Question: How do men experience intimacy when they worry their partner is having sex out of obligation?

Esther’s take: One thing that Esther hears in her practice is that men get turned on when they see their partners turned on. While this may sound sweet and altruistic—and it can be—the root of this desire is often fear. Many men often fear being predatorial. They fear their partners (in this case, we’re talking cis, straight women) aren’t actually enjoying the sex they’re having, or are faking it, or are placating them. 

Knowing their partner is enjoying it alleviates male anxiety, allows them to be more present in the moment, less in their heads, and actually be able to enjoy the sexual experience.

This response also really spoke to me. In fact, it’s why I tend to engage in kink far more with men than women. I feel like I’m less likely to accidentally cross a line. I also know it’s more egalitarian as we’re both men, and men are more conditioned to say no and set boundaries, whereas many women are conditioned to people-please. Not to mention, I am 6’4 and 215 pounds. When I sleep with a woman who’s 5-feet tall and half my weight, I can’t help but be mindful of the size difference and fear hurting her. 

Is this a form of benevolent sexism? 

Potentially, but I think there’s merit to it. 

Men and women are societally conditioned to be different sexually. 

I am simply acknowledging that fact.

This is not to say I don’t have kinky experiences with women. 

Of course I do, but I need to know they are comfortable saying no and using the safe word. 

What also helps me is knowing that they are far kinkier than I. 

For example, I have a play partner who I’ve seen take a BRUTAL beating at play parties—she loves it—a true sub and masochist. Anything sexual I could want to do with her wouldn’t come close to the shit she does with her other partners. 

So I don’t fear accidentally crossing a line. 

That allows me to really enjoy the sex we’re having and be less in my head.

Zachary Zane and Esther Perel

Getty Images/iStockphoto

Sexless Marriage Effect On the Husband: 

8 Effects of No-Sex Marriage on Men

1. What is the sexless marriage effect on the husband? 
2. Can a sexless marriage last? 
3. Is it healthy to be in a sexless relationship? 
4. What causes a sexless marriage? 
5. Should a man stay in a sexless marriage? 

Sex plays an important role in any marriage. When one partner loses interest in intimacy, it can cause issues in the relationship. As a man, it is important to learn more about sexless marriages, the causes, and how they affect you.

A sexless marriage can be defined as a relationship with a lack of intimacy between the couple. Since different couples have different sexual expectations and desires, experts say that any marriage with ten or fewer sexual activity sessions in a year can be quantified as a sexless marriage. However, this is dependent on the couple, as some couples can still enjoy healthy relationship sex once a month or once every few weeks. If your sex life has drastically declined or become nonexistent over the past few months, you can say that you are in a sexless marriage.

According to a study done in 2019, 19% of 659 couples were in what would be termed a sexless marriage. Most of the couples in this category had only been intimate once or twice in the last year, with some of them saying they had not experienced any form of sexual contact for more than a year.

In comparison, about 35% of the couples had experienced sexual intimacy one to three times per month in their happy marriage, 25% said they had sex weekly, while 21% said they enjoyed sexual intercourse a few times a week, which is healthy sex life.

Numerous reasons can cause the frequency of sex to change in a marriage. Most couples struggle with mismatched libidos, which puts a strain on the person with a higher libido since the spouse cannot satisfy or meet their sexual needs.   

While mismatched libido is the most common cause of a sexless marriage, many other factors can lead to a lack of sex in marriage.

Some of the most common causes include:

• Health issues or a medical condition
• Childbirth
• Stress
• Trauma
• Failed communication
• Mismatched Libidos

Sexless Marriage Effect On the Husband

Sex is one of the things in long-term relationships that foster well-being, continuity, and strengthening of the bond between a husband and wife. When a husband no longer gets sex from their wife, they can experience some side effects.

Low self-esteem

While most men may not admit this, lack of sex at home affects their self-esteem. They see their wife’s lack of sexual desire as a sign of their lack of physical desire for the man. When a man’s sexual advances are constantly rejected at home, they are bound to start feeling undesirable.

Feeling of shame

Men often feel ashamed when sex is no longer served in their homes. This is especially common if the lack of sex is because of the man’s inability to rise to the occasion. The man will avoid any conversation about sex since they feel shame.

Feeling like a failure

A common sexless marriage effect on the husband is the feeling of failure. As it is often said, men are physical beings, and sexual interest is an important aspect of their sexuality. When a man is having regular sex, they develop a sense of fulfillment and see themselves as complete men. On the other hand, if a man cannot get their spouse interested in sex as often as they want, they eventually start feeling like they are not good enough.

Disconnection

Any couple in a sexless marriage will tell you that they feel disconnected from one another. For men, not having sex with their wives over a prolonged time will change their feelings and possibly develop these feelings for another woman willing to meet their sexual needs. This emotional disconnection is often a leading cause of infidelity in marriages.

Poor mental health

Anxiety, stress, and depression are also common sexless marriage effects on the husband. When a husband is denied sex at home for a long time, his mental health is likely to deteriorate from stress, overthinking, and inability to release the feel-good hormone from sex. Poor mental health can also stem from the man’s obsession with his inability to meet his spouse’s sexual needs.

Start to see the wife as just a roommate

Once sex stops being part of a marriage, how the man perceives and treats the wife also changes. With time, the two start coexisting like roommates and not a married couple since sexual intimacy is no longer present in the marriage. Without a sexual connection, it is difficult for a man to treat his wife with the same love, consideration, and care as he did before.

Feelings of loneliness

When a husband does not get his sexual needs met, he may feel lonely. This is often caused by the feeling of isolation stemming from the contract rejection. This is why many married men are lonely.

Isolation

When there is no sex between men and women in a marriage, a man will feel unworthy, lonely, stressed, and frustrated, making him want to self-isolate. This makes the issues worse since the man cannot express his emotions and feelings for fear of being misunderstood and neglected. They see it of no use to keep sharing since sexual intimacy is not there.

If you have been in a sexless marriage for a while and feeling a few or all these issues, it is safe to say that you are going through the effects of a sexless marriage.

Can a Marriage Survive Without Sexual Intimacy?

Yes, a marriage can survive with sexual intimacy. 

However, this is only possible if both parties are no longer interested in sex. 

If a couple is not having sex because of a low sex drive on one partner, or one partner is asexual, there is a chance the marriage may not survive unless they seek help from a sex therapist or counselor. This is especially if the union was founded on shared sexual experiences and not an emotional connection or friendship with one another.

The decision to not walk away and instead stay and make the love life work despite the sexual dysfunction lies solely on the two people in the relationship. 

Sean Galla

Are You Spouses or 

Just Roommates?

You've drifted into a sexless marriage. 

Can this relationship be saved? 

Yes, experts say.

There's no drama, no fighting. You've been together for years, raised kids and pets. The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. As months drift into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage.

Most married couples don't really know what to expect of a long-term relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. She is also director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.

"It's so normal to hit the doldrums. In a way, you should be smug about it," Solee tells WebMD. "You have a partner who is not bringing drama into your life. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut."

There's more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.

Schwartz is on the Health Advisory Board at WebMD, and author of several books including Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.

Signs you're in the marital doldrums: 

"You're leading parallel lives, and don't see each other anymore," she tells WebMD. "You tell everything important to your friends but not to each other. Those are really big problems, and you've got to tend to them."

A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless marriage, Schwartz adds. 

"If you're bitchy, if you treat each other with contempt, it's a warning sign. It may not happen all the time, but it happens often. It's because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped for."

In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains. 

"Those deeper feelings have to be dealt with. I'm not talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has to be a refocusing on the relationship... a renewal of what this marriage is supposed to be."

The Anatomy of Love

First step: Be realistic. If you're looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. And a new partner certainly isn't the solution. Three years later, you'll have the same sizzle-less marriage you have right now.

"The initial passion of any relationship changes after 18 months," says Sallie Foley, MSW, director of the Center for Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. She is the author of Modern Love and Sex and Love for Grownups.

"It moves from the romantic and exciting to an attachment kind of loving, fondness," Foley tells WebMD. "That gotta have it, gotta have it feeling is gone."

Take stock of what you want, she advises. If you want a sex life, then commit to making it happen, Foley says. 

"Not everyone wants a sex life as they head into last third of life. But AARP studies show that 65% remain sexually active."

Put aside the romanticized, silver-screen notions of sex, Foley says. 

"The majority of people your age are having good-enough sex. Occasionally, they have sex that knocks it out of the ballpark. But they're having sex regularly. They're getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they're doing it on a regular basis."

You've also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse. 

"You have to give up fantasy notions that he or she is suddenly going to be 20 pounds lighter with no cellulite. You have to decide, 'This is what I want, how do I proceed,'" she advises.

Then, have "the talk" with your spouse. 

You have to be willing to say this to your partner: 

"We need to jazz up our sex life. We have fallen into some bad habits. I'm not going to settle for this level. We need to have sex, the same as we do other things that are important to us. We have to set aside time for it.'"

He's Just Not Up for It?

If your partner is unwilling, here's your dialogue: 

"We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight. I'm not willing to settle for a relationship where you sit in a chair, pop a few beers, and our sex life is over."

The stereotype of grumpy old men exists for a reason, Foley explains. 

"With aging comes an increase in depression and irritability. Women complain to me -- I was ready to try these things, but I couldn't get my partner to do it."

Often, the irritability and crankiness is actually masking anxiety and depression. If your partner is downright snarly about it, then you've got to stand your ground. "This isn't the kind of thing in this day and age that people live with," she says. 

"Our parents or grandparents may have lived that way, but we don't anymore."

With therapy and the right medication, the irritable anxiousness and depression can disappear. If your partner won't go to counseling, then you need to go alone, she says. "Counseling can help you figure out strategies to help yourself."

Put Sex on the Schedule

If you're both on the same page, it's time you put sex on the schedule. Think of it as exercise, your regular workout -- whatever time of day you choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley says.

"It's a very healthy thing for a partnership, there's no question about that," she tells WebMD. "People who have sex tend to feel closer, more intimate."

When you're over 40, there's definitely a "use it or lose it" aspect to sex, she adds. "That means you have to do it every day. You have to be committed to intimate time together. That doesn't mean every single time you take off your clothes and have sex. But set aside time just for the two of you."

Fall in Love Again

Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other. 

"If you're bored, you can figure your partner is probably bored, too," says Solee. 

"Think what would put excitement into your life. Take responsibility for doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself."

Take a cooking class together, take up kayaking or dancing -- or sign up for a sex workshop, she advises. 

"Share each other's interests. Find new interests together. Single people can follow their own interests. You don't want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the doldrums, so don't let someone else fill it."

Trying something new requires a lot of focus -- and that's good for your sex life. 

"It's like when you had kids, or bought your first house. People actually fall in love again."

Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. 

"The phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. You don't have to have an attitude of 'complete hot.' That's a big misconception."

Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you're over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. "When we're 20, it's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it -- then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal."

Also, your mind-set changes. 

"As men get older, they get more focused on eroticism," she says. "They're much more interested in pleasure, in having the connection. Women start asking for what they want."

Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD. 

"Most people think that if they've found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately. Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner."

Vibrators and Pills

Tools and toys are important, too.

Men: Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis can be effective in men with erection problems, but if you have certain medical conditions or are taking certain medicines, you may not be able to use them.

Ladies: Don't fret if you're not feeling desire right away. Enjoy the process of becoming aroused. A vibrator can help with that, she advises. "After menopause, they may need a more intense vibration, at least initially, if a woman hasn't been sexual in awhile. She may need a vibrator."

If vaginal dryness and pain are issues, look into topical lubricants and moisturizers, Foley adds.

Many vaginal products contain estrogen (which can come in cream, vaginal ring, and vaginal tablet formulation), which helps with dryness, irritation, and muscle tone in the area. If you cannot take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication.

Try a Marriage Retreat

Keeping your marriage on track -- sexually and otherwise -- requires good communications skills, Solee adds. A therapist can guide you toward improving those skills, possibly recommending a marriage retreat.

"It's not our differences that pull us apart, it's how we handle them," she tells WebMD. 

"You need to really listen to your partner in a way he knows you love and respect him. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy." 

Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and military bases, she adds.

Some workshops are intense group therapy for couples. 

"Some are enrichment weekends -- you learn to massage each others' feet, or talk about sensuality. It depends on how deep your rift is, whether a therapist would recommend a lighter or deeper workshop," Schwartz says.

Group therapy lets you see the relationship more clearly. 

"Often, people find it easier to give empathy to other people than to each other," she explains. "But once empathy is in the room, it kind of fills the room. It helps you give it to each other."

You learn from other couples in the room, Schwartz adds. 

"Some people give voice to something you haven't been able to. It's different if it doesn't come from an authority figure. It becomes a discussion among equals. Other people can see things you may not see. If everybody looks at you and says, ‘Why are you being so hard on her?’ everything changes. You suddenly see, whoa, I am."

 Jeanie Lerche Davis, Louise Chang

Getty Images 

Reasons why couples drift apart and sex becomes non existent:

1. Sex Feels Like a Chore 

The mental load of parenting, work, and daily responsibilities can make intimacy feel like just another task, draining it of excitement and connection.

2. Resentment and Lack of Respect

When one or both partners feels  unseen or unsupported, resentment builds, making emotional and physical closeness nearly impossible.

3. Feeling Used or Rejected 

Whether one partner feels desired only for sex or constantly turned down, both experiences can lead to emotional withdrawal and insecurity.

4. Loss of Emotional Intimacy

When communication breaks down and couples stop sharing thoughts, feelings, and desires, the gap between them grows.

 

The Shift: Seeing and Valuing Each Other Again

Rebuilding connection starts with differentiation recognising and appreciating each other as unique individuals. Instead of focusing on what’s lacking, shift toward understanding:

• Both partners need affection, attention, and validation, though we all express and receive love differently, so owning your side of the conflict shows emotional maturity. 

• Dropping the blame narrative and seeing your partners perspective can soften resentment and open the door to reconnection.

Rupture and Repair 

Sexless relationships often stem from unresolved conflicts, not just unmet needs. 

Couples get stuck in cycles of rupture and repair, where arguments linger and resentment builds. 

The key is not to avoid conflict but to navigate it differently

1. Acknowledge your partner's feelings without immediately defending your own.
2. Choose repair over being right.  
3. Break the cycle of blame by focusing on understanding instead of winning.

 

Rebuilding Intimacy

Steps Toward Connection:

1. Open Communication

Create regular check-ins to discuss feelings and desires without judgment.

2. Rebuild Trust small  consistent efforts help restore security in the relationship.

3. Redistribute the Mental Load Balancing responsibilities prevents exhaustion and resentment.

4. Cultivate Non-Sexual Intimacy prioritise touch, eye contact, and quality time.

5. Address Resentments Bring unresolved issues to the surface and work through them together.

6. Reignite Sexuality Explore fantasies, preferences, and ways to make intimacy enjoyable again.

7. Argue Productively Stay on topic, avoid personal attacks, and always prioritise  repair.

8. Practice Empathy Try to see the situation from your partners perspective.

Every relationship goes through sexless seasons. 

A lack of physical intimacy doesn’t have to mean the end - it’s an opportunity to strengthen the emotional foundation and build a connection that lasts.

Come out of the Power Struggle, give yourself healing time, be aware you are being triggered in this relationship, look at seeking help to move out of the struggle and to feel the real deal of harmony.

Lottie Passell-Syms

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I’M NOT SAYING

Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear.

For I wear a mask; I wear a thousand masks,

And none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but

Don’t be fooled, please don’t be fooled.

I give the impression that I’m secure,

That confidence is my name and coolness my game, that

The water’s calm and I’m in command, and that I need

No one.

But don’t believe me. Please don’t.

My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,

My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in

Aloneness.

I panic at the thought of my weakness and I fear being

Exposed.

That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

A nonchalant, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend,

To shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation.

And I know it.

That is, if that glance is followed by acceptance, if

It’s followed by love.

It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself.

From my own self-built prison walls, from the

Barriers that I so painstakenly erect.

It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t

Assure myself, that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this.

I don’t dare. I’m afraid to

I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no

Good, and that you’ll see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a

Façade of assurance on the outside, and a trembling

Child within.

And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but

Empty parade of masks

And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that’s really nothing, and nothing

Of that which is everything, of what’s crying within me.

Do when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled

By what I’m saying.

Please listen, carefully and try to hear what I’m NOT

Saying, what I’d like to be able to say, what, for

Survival, I need to say, but I can’t say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly, I do.

I dislike the superficial, phony game.

I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me;

But you’ve got to help me

Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of

The breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you’re kind and gentle and encouraging, each

Time you try to understand because you really care,

My heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very

Feeble wings, but wings with your sensitivity and

Sympathy and your power of understanding.

You can breathe life into me. I want you to know that,

I want you to know how important you are to me, that you

Can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to.

Please choose to. You alone can break down the wall behind

Which I tremble; you alone can remove my mask.

So do not pass me by. Please do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness

Builds strong walls.

But I’m told that love is stronger than strong walls,

And in this lies my hope. My only hope.

Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands

But with gentle hands – for a child is very sensitive

And I AM a child.

Who am I? You may wonder.

I am someone you know very well,

For I am every man you meet and every woman you meet.

Cardinal Deardon

Most "Good People" Are Only One Crowd Away From Evil

Alla, Adobe Stock

 The terrifying truth about ordinary kindness

Many people assume that ordinary people are inherently kind, as if “kindness” is a default attribute everyone is born with. But the reality is far more brutal—most ordinary people actually don’t have the ability to be truly kind at all.

True kindness is rare. 

It requires genuine empathy, the ability to feel pain for people who have no direct interest relationship with you. It requires enough wisdom to see through the chains of interests and real causes behind things. It also requires real action and capability, the ability to actually help the other person, rather than just indulging in self-satisfaction in your own mind.

Yet the vast majority of people only ever care about themselves.

The little bit of “care” they occasionally show others is mostly just to make themselves feel better emotionally. This is not kindness, this is emotion management. 

Once their emotions are soothed, whatever is happening outside has nothing to do with them anymore. Their thinking is shallow, and they are particularly easily manipulated by the media and propaganda. In the algorithm era, everyone is trapped in their own information cocoon, seeing only what the platform wants them to see. Over time, they can only shout along with everyone else and follow the crowd.

When propaganda says something is good, they act kind. 

When propaganda says something is evil, they can shout the loudest, act the most ruthlessly, and still firmly believe they stand on the side of justice. 

This is the truly terrifying part.

Take some places in China, for example. 

Many ordinary people harbor intense hatred toward Japanese people today. 

They take the crimes committed by the Kwantung Army decades ago and pin them all on ordinary Japanese people living and working in China now. 

In recent years, there have been multiple cases where ordinary Chinese people violently attacked Japanese nationals in China, even causing deaths and injuries. 

In the eyes of the perpetrators themselves, they were “seeking justice for the country,” upholding justice, and doing good. They might admit their methods were a bit extreme, but they will never acknowledge that their motives were evil.

Mediocrity plus stupidity most easily produces evil wrapped in the cloak of kindness.

These people are usually not the masterminds, but the most enthusiastic accomplices. 

Once their emotions are ignited, they happily serve as the knife. 

After it’s over, they eat and sleep just fine, because in their worldview, they are always the good guys.

True kindness is completely different. 

1. It requires an independent personality that refuses to be hijacked by group emotions. 
2. It requires a clear mind that can see through lies and appearances. 
3. It requires even more courage, the courage to stand alone when everyone else has gone mad with frenzy, and to bear the consequences.

Hannah Arendt said that the greatest evil often comes not from evil people, but from people who do not think. The funny thing is, most people who quote this line automatically assume they belong to the thoughtful minority, it never once occurs to them that they too cannot see the edges of their own understanding.

These qualities are extremely rare in any era. 

Truly kind people are often the misunderstood minority.

Mediocrity and stupidity can never produce kindness, they only mass-produce ignorant evil, including those who most vigorously flaunt their own “kindness” on their social media feeds.

Neo Shakya

Touched By An Angel

Robin Skjoldborg

 We, unaccustomed to courage

exiles from delight

live coiled in shells of loneliness

until love leaves its high holy temple

and comes into our sight

to liberate us into life.

Love arrives

and in its train come ecstasies

old memories of pleasure

ancient histories of pain.

Yet if we are bold,

love strikes away the chains of fear

from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity

In the flush of love's light

we dare be brave

And suddenly we see

that love costs all we are

and will ever be.

Yet it is only love

which sets us free.

Maya Angelou

Why Do I Feel Worse After I Am Finally Safe?

 

Experiencing a psychological or emotional "crash" 

only after a period of intense crisis resolves 

is a common phenomenon. 

When the immediate threat is gone, your nervous system 

no longer needs to run on survival mode, 

allowing accunulated exhaustion, unprocessed trauma, and 

delayed stress to surface.

A post-crisis "crash" happens because your nervous system shifts from survival to safety. Once the threat passes, adrenaline and cortisol drop, triggering an emotional and physical collapse.  

Trauma recovery is often described in stages. For many people, having a framework can bring a sense of clarity and reassurance – especially when healing feels uncertain or slow.

At the same time, it’s important to approach any model of the process of trauma healing with care. Recovery does not unfold in a perfectly linear way, and no two people move through the stages of trauma processing in exactly the same way.

As clinical psychologists, we often use stage-based frameworks as guides rather than strict rules. They can help make sense of what you’re experiencing, while still allowing space for the complexity of real-life healing.

There is no single universally agreed-upon set of trauma healing stages. However, many evidence-based approaches converge on a phased model of recovery.

Your life finally starts to feel more peaceful.

You find your place in the world, have more time for yourself, enter a safe relationship, or finally leave a highly stressful environment behind. Maybe you go on a three-week holiday in paradise after months or years of pressure and exhaustion. Surprisingly, these are often the moments when unprocessed material begins to surface and manifest in unexpected ways. Anxiety, exhaustion, emotional overwhelm, physical symptoms, intrusive thoughts, or even old memories may appear only after life becomes calmer. This can feel deeply confusing. 

Many people expect healing to feel immediately relieving and holidays to bring relaxation after prolonged stress. Instead, some begin struggling precisely when things finally become more stable.

From a nervous system perspective, this paradox can make a great deal of sense.

We "fall apart" after reaching safety because our nervous system finally drops its guard. 

While in danger or chronic stress, the body runs on emergency fuel. 

Once true safety arrives, the brain no longer needs to suppress feelings for survival, leading to an overwhelming flood of postponed exhaustion and emotions. 

The delayed collapse is a natural, biological response to exiting survival mode. This phenomenon—often explored in psychology and trauma recovery—occurs for several core reasons: 

• The Adrenaline Letdown: During crises, the body relies on stress hormones (like cortisol and adrenaline) to keep us functioning. When the threat passes, hormone levels drop, resulting in profound fatigue, illness, or emotional crashes.
• Delayed Processing: The brain prioritizes survival over feeling. Traumatic emotions, grief, and exhaustion are often stored away because processing them would slow you down. Safety gives the subconscious permission to unpack these heavy emotions.
• The Unfamiliarity of Calm: If you have lived with chronic stress or trauma for a long time, chaos feels familiar. When calm finally arrives, the brain may misinterpret the lack of alertness as vulnerability or boredom, triggering sudden anxiety.
• You Are Healing, Not Breaking: The tears, exhaustion, and feeling of falling apart are not signs that you are failing. They are physical indicators that your body finally trusts the present environment enough to release the burdens of the past. 

This delayed collapse is typically understood through a four-stage psychological progression:

1. The Hysterical Strength & Survival Phase

2. The Relief & Decompression Phase

3. The Crashing & Processing Phase

4. Integration & Reconstruction Phase

These four stages map the mind and body's acute response and subsequent recovery from a major crisis, trauma, or burnout event. Understanding this trajectory helps normalize the severe physical and emotional exhaustion that inevitably follows a period of extreme stress.

The Brain Prioritizes Survival First

During prolonged stress, the brain and body focus primarily on survival rather than emotional processing or recovery. When the nervous system perceives ongoing danger, stress systems remain activated to help us keep functioning. The amygdala, the brain’s threat detection system, becomes more sensitive, while areas of the prefrontal cortex involved in emotional regulation, self-awareness, and contextual processing become less active.

As a result, many people enter a kind of survival autopilot. Energy is directed toward getting through the day, maintaining performance, avoiding collapse, or staying emotionally functional enough to continue. Research in trauma neuroscience suggests that chronic stress can also disrupt interoception — the brain’s ability to accurately perceive internal bodily states. In survival mode, people may become surprisingly disconnected from their own exhaustion, emotional distress, tension, or even physical symptoms. 

• For some individuals, this appears as hypervigilance, anxiety, irritability, overthinking, or difficulty relaxing. 
• For others, the nervous system shifts toward numbness, shutdown, dissociation, or emotional detachment. Both are adaptive responses as the nervous system is attempting to protect the body under overwhelming conditions.

Interestingly, many people function remarkably well during prolonged stress. 

Some become highly productive, emotionally controlled, or intensely achievement-oriented. 

From the outside, everything may appear stable or even successful. But maintaining chronic survival states requires enormous physiological effort. Over time, the accumulated stress load can begin affecting sleep, digestion, immune function, memory, emotional regulation, hormonal balance, and the body’s ability to recover and restore itself.

Yet symptoms often do not fully emerge during the stressful period itself. They frequently appear later, when the system finally detects enough safety to stop suppressing what it has been carrying.

This is your acute "fight-or-flight" response. 

When faced with a crisis or extreme stressor, your sympathetic nervous system is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. 

What happens: Your physical capabilities and focus surge, allowing you to bypass normal physical or emotional limits to navigate the immediate danger or emergency.

The drawback: This state relies on borrowed energy and is purely intended for short-term survival; it cannot be sustained indefinitely.

The brain and body are in constant communication. 

When stress, fear, or unresolved emotions are present, the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight) takes precedence, releasing cortisol and adrenaline to prepare for action. This creates a cycle of hyper-vigilance, where even moments of stillness feel like something to be endured rather than embraced.

Tension, in this way, is not just a tight muscle—it’s a reflection of an overburdened nervous system.

The goal of this stage is simple but foundational: 

Ground the nervous system, establish clear boundaries, and reclaim a sense of control over the present moment. Nothing deeper can happen until this is in place.

The Destabilization and Decompression Phase

When external pressure decreases, the nervous system may begin transitioning out of survival mode. Paradoxically, this is often when previously suppressed symptoms start surfacing. As safety, stability, or relational trust increase, the nervous system may gradually allow access to emotions, memories, bodily sensations, and exhaustion that previously had to remain outside awareness in order to keep functioning. People often interpret this as “suddenly falling apart,” but in many cases the nervous system is doing the opposite: it is finally shifting out of emergency management.

The brain essentially decides:

Now it may finally be safe enough to feel.

As these defenses begin to relax, the nervous system does not always return immediately to balance.

This occurs right after the immediate threat passes or the crisis is resolved. 

Your body receives the signal that it is finally safe to stand down. 

What happens: The adrenaline wears off, and you experience an overwhelming rush of relief. Your nervous system shifts from a state of high alert into a sudden, deep physical and mental letdown.

The drawback: As the threat leaves, all the physical and emotional tension you were holding onto abruptly floods in.

In trauma recovery, the destabilization and decompression phase (often referred to as Safety and Stabilization) is the foundational step. Its goal is to interrupt survival mode, regulate the nervous system, and build coping skills before deeply processing traumatic memories. 

During a traumatic event, your nervous system gets stuck in a hypervigilant "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn" state. Over time, this reflex forms a physical and emotional "armor" (chronic muscle tension, shallow breathing) that keeps the body perpetually on edge, even when you are safe.

When the adrenaline of a crisis finally fades, you often enter a phase of destabilization. 

As the initial shock wears off, the brain stops trying to protect you through denial or dissociation and begins to flood your conscious mind with the reality of what happened.Your mind is attempting to make sense of the overwhelming events, which can temporarily feel chaotic and exhausting, but is ultimately a healthy sign of beginning to accept reality.

This involves managing disruptive symptoms like insomnia or intense shame so they do not interfere with your daily life.

You learn to identify triggers, regulate intense emotions, and manage everyday anxieties.

This prevents the brain from becoming overly flooded, ensuring that you have the internal resources and resiliency required to heal in subsequent phases

The Crashing and Processing Phase

The recalibration phase is the critical recovery window when your body shifts from "fight-or-flight" (sympathetic) mode back to a stable baseline. It requires actively repairing depleted energy and resetting your nervous system's reactivity, rather than just masking the symptoms of burnout. 

Nervous system recalibration is a foundational shift, not an overnight fix. 

While minor daily habits offer immediate relief, long-term recovery involves predictable milestones. 

• Your system learns how to return to a calm state more frequently and your window of tolerance expands.

• Resilience increases; you will find that fewer things trigger an intense stress response.

• The body instinctively knows how to move fluidly between activation and rest without getting stuck. 

• Your baseline state shifts from activation to regulation

• Your window of tolerance expands (more things feel manageable)

• Your system learns to move fluidly between activation and rest

• You develop the capacity to feel without getting stuck in feeling

• Your body begins to recognize safety again

It's about reorganizing how your nervous system responds to life at a foundational level.

This isn't a quick fix. It's a restructuring.

And it requires consistent practice over time—not because you're broken, but because your nervous system learned its current patterns through repetition. It needs repetition to learn new ones.

1: Recognition

The first phase is simply learning to notice what's happening in your body without judgment.

Most people operate on autopilot, completely disconnected from their internal experience. You don't realize you've been holding your breath. You don't notice the tension building until it's overwhelming.

Recognition is about developing awareness of your nervous system states as they're happening.

What does activation feel like in your body? 

Where do you feel it? 

What cues tell you you're moving toward dysregulation?

You can't change patterns you can't see.

2:Resourcing

Once you can recognize your patterns, the second phase is building resources—practices that help your nervous system shift states.

This is where you develop a toolkit of regulation practices: breathwork, movement, grounding techniques, rest practices like Yoga Nidra.

But here's what makes this different from stress management: you're practicing these tools when you're already somewhat regulated, not just when you're in crisis.

You're teaching your nervous system new pathways through repetition while it's calm enough to actually learn. You're building capacity, not just managing symptoms.

3:Integration

The third phase is where recalibration becomes embodied. The practices stop feeling like something you "do" and start becoming how you naturally respond to life.

Your nervous system begins to default to regulation instead of dysregulation. The new patterns become more automatic than the old ones.

You still experience stress, but you don't get stuck in it. You can activate when needed and return to baseline afterward.

This is what lasting change feels like. Not perfect calm, but genuine flexibility.

When your nervous system begins to recalibrate, the changes are subtle at first. 

You might not even notice them consciously.

Then one day you realize:

You took a full breath without thinking about it.

You slept through the night without waking.

Something that would have sent you spiraling last month felt manageable.

You felt an emotion without it consuming you.

Your body settled after stress instead of staying wired.

You had energy that matched your day instead of crashing at 2 PM.

These aren't dramatic moments. They're quiet recalibrations of your baseline.

And they compound. Each regulated moment teaches your nervous system that regulation is possible. That safety is real. That you can trust your body to find its way back to center.

Once the initial relief settles, you enter the inevitable "payback" period where the nervous system balances its accounts.

What happens: You may feel profound exhaustion, burnout, or a "crash." This is the period of feeling drained, foggy, or overwhelmed as the brain begins to process and make sense of the stressful event.

The drawback: It can be frightening, as the sheer depletion of energy can mimic depression, extreme fatigue, or heightened anxiety. 

The Integration and  Reconstruction Phase

This is the long-term, restorative stage where you rebuild yourself and your life in the aftermath of the crisis.

What happens: You move from survival mode into active healing and adaptation. You learn to integrate the experience into your life story, rebuild your physical or emotional reserves, and establish healthier coping mechanisms.

The outcome: It fosters resilience, helping you move forward with new perspectives and emotional regulation skills.

After trauma memories have been safely processed and adaptively restructured, people enter the Integration and Rehabilitation phase. This stage is crucial for translating therapeutic gains into sustainable changes, personal growth, and meaningful reintegration into daily life.

• Facilitate a coherent narrative that integrates traumatic experiences into a person’s personal history.
• Encourage cognitive, emotional, and somatic integration to solidify adaptive memory reconsolidation.
• Promote acceptance, compassion, and self-understanding of the impact of trauma on identity.
• Constructing coherent life stories that include trauma but emphasize resilience, meaning, and growth.
• Support the reconstruction of self-identity, disrupted by trauma, promoting authenticity, autonomy, and self-efficacy.
• Foster exploration and redefinition of personal values, beliefs, and life direction.
• Facilitate post-traumatic growth and the cultivation of resilience.
• Clarify personal values, redefine purpose, and rediscover a sense of meaning post-trauma.
• Identifying and reinforcing personal strengths, resilience factors, and capacities developed through trauma processing.

Late phase therapy involves consolidation of gains, achieving a more solid and stable sense of self, and increasing skills in creating healthy interactions with the external world. 

The resolution of the all-encompassing and overwhelming past events reduces patients’ inevitable narcissistic preoccupation with their symptoms and difficulties, and allows them to have more appreciation of others as separate individuals. Moreover, an empowered sense of self leads patients to have increased confidence in their abilities to participate successfully in interpersonal relationships and other activities in ways that previously eluded them.

Judith Lewis Herman

Judith Lewis Herman argues that trauma separates people from people – it disconnects. 

Part of recovery, therefore, is to encourage reconnection.

Some will find it difficult to fully embrace this final stage of moving on because it represents entirely new territory, and they may feel that they have no map or guide for it. 

A large part of this final phase work can consist of adjusting to this new identity and life, and developing the self-esteem and positive self-identity, as well as the life skills and understanding of social ‘rules’, to be able to function healthily in these challenging new domains.

It is not surprising that this stage is so often accompanied by a great deal of grief: 

for lost opportunities, and for the burden of symptoms that so frequently prevent a survivor from experiencing positive physical health, family life, career success and enjoyment of life. 

It is not surprising that many struggle with this phase of the work, as the full force of their feelings – anger, rage, resentment, hatred, outrage, indignation, amongst many others – are experienced and felt, perhaps for the first time. The injustice of all their losses may be keenly felt, and it can take some time to process these feelings adequately so that a new life can be established, rather than sabotaged because of the ungrieved losses of their traumatised past.

The clinical literature suggests that the best long-term outcomes are associated with higher levels of integration of parts of the personality, although it is generally accepted that clients may redissociate at later points when under extreme stress, even if they present in day-to-day life as fully ‘integrated’. Integration does not imply the absence of ‘parts’: rather, integration refers to an overall process of connecting and associating previously disconnected (dissociated) mental processes.

Integration is an ongoing process of undoing all aspects of dissociative dividedness that begins long before there is any reduction in the number or distinctness of the identities, persists through their fusion, and continues at a deeper level even after the identities have blended into one. It denotes an ongoing process.

Richard Kluft

This is the challenge, and the reward, of final phase: reclaiming the world. 

The person can discover, or rediscover, aspirations and ambitions. 

Although there is much mourning to be done for what has, irrevocably, been lost, nevertheless the ultimate purpose of mourning is to clear the ground for new crops to be sown. 

This phase work helps the survivor see that, although he or she has been a victim, revictimisation is not a certainty and skills can be learned to protect against it; safe relationships can be nurtured whilst building boundaries to protect against unsafe relationships. 

In effective phase work, the person learns from the past, but also learns to live free through the choices that they can make now as an adult.

Having come to terms with the traumatic past, the survivor faces the task of creating a future. 

She has mourned the old self that the trauma destroyed; now she must develop a new self. 

Her relationships have been tested and forever changed by the trauma; now she must develop new relationships. 

The old beliefs that gave meaning to her life have been challenged; now she must find a new sustaining faith. 

These are the tasks of the third stage of recovery. In accomplishing this work, the survivor reclaims her world.

Judith Lewis Herman

The emphasis is on reintegration, rebuilding self-concept and preparing for the future. 

1. It is essential to ensure that the person sustainably adapt to life after trauma by consolidating coping strategies and building resilience.
2. It requires flexibility, firm grounding in reality, and a deep understanding of inner transformations.
3. It is essential to prevent relapses and to durably integrate what has been learnt.
4. It is a springboard to recovery. 
5. It is an individual, non-linear process that continues after the formal end of therapy and during which the person regains a sense of control over their life and redefines their identity beyond the trauma.
6. It is reconnecting and rebuilding the individual after treating the trauma. The aim is to help people re-engage with the outside world, re-establish healthy social and professional relationships and rebuild a more positive and functional selfconcept.

It is important during this final stage that you devote time and energy to taking care of yourself.  According to Herman, this means taking care of your body, your environment, your material needs, and your relationships with others.

The goal is to emerge with a sense of empowerment and reconnection. 

 In this process you may revisit some issues related to safety that you did in the first stage.  

You may need to re-establish a sense of safety as you approach reconnecting with others.

Now there is the capacity to revisit old hopes and dreams.  

This is an opportunity to create a new self.

Letting go and forgiving yourself even if you had no control over the event is possible at this time.  The positive aspects of yourself can be embraced now.  

They become incorporated into your new self.

You now feel that you can protect yourself.  

Erik Erickson developed the Eight Stages of Psychosocial Development.  

They include a sense of autonomy, initiative, competence, identity and intimacy. 

You focus on issues of identity and intimacy.  The trauma should have receded to the past and there will likely not be barriers to intimacy as there were in the past.

Recovery may not be 100% complete.  

Under stress, the PTSD symptoms may recur.  

But now you know how to take care of yourself and stay within your Window of Tolerance, and that will help you tremendously during these times.

A lot of people expect safety to feel like relief.

They imagine that once the danger is gone, once the relationship ends, once the environment changes, their body will finally exhale. That they’ll sleep better. That their anxiety will quiet. That healing will feel like forward movement.

And then safety arrives, and everything gets worse.

More panic. More intrusive thoughts. More grief. More exhaustion. Sometimes more flashbacks. Sometimes emotions that feel completely disproportionate to what’s happening now.

If that’s been your experience, nothing has gone wrong.

When you’re actively unsafe, your body is not trying to heal. It’s trying to survive. It suppresses anything that might slow you down. It postpones grief. It stores fear without fully letting you feel it. 

It keeps you functional, even if that functionality comes at a high cost.

Your nervous system doesn’t ask whether something is healthy or sustainable. It asks whether something is survivable. And processing trauma is often not survivable when you’re still inside it.

So when the threat finally ends, your body receives a different signal. 

It no longer has to brace in the same way. It no longer has to keep everything tightly contained. 

That’s often when the feelings you couldn’t afford to feel begin to surface.

This is why so many people experience an increase in panic attacks after leaving dificult situations. 

Why emotions crash in after moving to a safer environment. 

Why depression can show up once stability is finally there. 

Why grief appears when things quiet down.

Your body isn’t reacting to the present moment. It’s responding to everything it held back.

This can feel terrifying, especially when it’s framed as regression. 

People tell themselves they should be better by now. That they handled worse before, so this shouldn’t be so hard. That something must be wrong because the danger is gone but the pain is louder.

But what’s often happening isn’t backsliding. It’s delayed processing.

You didn’t suddenly become weaker. You became safer.

Safety removes the need for emotional suppression. 

And when suppression lifts, what was underneath doesn’t always come out gently or in order.

A lot of the overwhelm comes from the fact that these feelings arrive without their original context. Your nervous system doesn’t neatly label them as “then” instead of “now.” It just knows it finally has enough space to release what it’s been holding.

This is also why grounding can feel harder during the process. 

You’re no longer numb. You’re no longer running purely on adrenaline. 

You’re present in a body that remembers more than you consciously do.

That doesn’t mean leaving was a mistake. 

It means your body trusts the present enough to reveal the past.

There’s often a specific kind of shame that shows up here. 

People think they should be grateful. That they should be calm. 

That safety should automatically feel peaceful.

But safety doesn’t undo conditioning. It creates the conditions where undoing can begin.

Struggling now doesn’t invalidate how strong you were then. Falling apart in safe spaces doesn’t mean you’re broken. It often means you’re no longer alone with what you carried.

Healing doesn’t usually start while survival is still required. It starts in the space that survival makes possible.

You spent a long time holding everything together. It makes sense that when you stop holding, things fall. And it makes sense that learning how to stand without bracing takes time.

RESOURCES: 

Magda Agatha, Reclaim Your Nervous System

April Goff, Trauma Survivors 

My Life Psychologists 

Roseanne Reilly, CPTSD Foundation 

Alandi Stec, Nervous System Insights 

Psychotraumatology 

Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery 

Carolyn Spring 

Carol Fredrek, Healing Matters