Interior: The Suburbs

StockCake

 There is no rest for the mind 

in a small house. It moves, looking for God, 

with a mysterious eye fixed on the bed, 

into a cracked egg at breakfast, 

looking for glory in an arm-chair, 

or simply noting the facts of life 

in a fly asleep on the ceiling. 

The mind, sunk in quiet places, 

(like old heroes) sleeps no more, 

but walks abroad in a slouch hat 

performing adultery at violent street corners; 

then, trembling, returns, 

sadly directs its mysterious eye 

into a coffee-cup. There is no rest 

for there are many miles to walk in the small house, 

traveling past the same chairs, the same tables, 

the same glassy portraits on the walls, 

flowing into darkness.

There is no victory in the mind, 

but desperate valor, 

shattering the four walls, 

disintegrating human love, 

until the iron-lidded mysterious eye 

(lowered carefully with the frail body 

under churchyard gardens) 

stares upward, luminous, inevitable, 

piercing solar magnitudes 

on a fine morning.

Horace Gregory

in, Poem-a-Day

Why we struggle to accept compliments

Someone asked me recently, 

“How do I accept compliments 

without getting shy or immediately deflecting?”

She told me that whenever someone says something nice to her, she almost panics a little. She either downplays it, brushes past it, or rushes to give a compliment back—which she admits usually feels awkward and forced.

And then she said something really interesting: 

It’s easy for her to compliment a stranger’s appearance, but complimenting someone’s personality feels strangely vulnerable.

That last part stayed with me.

There’s a difference between saying, “I like your jacket,” and telling someone you admire the way they handled a difficult situation, or the kind of energy they bring into a room. 

The second kind of compliment asks you to slow down and acknowledge that you’ve actually seen something meaningful in another person. And most people don’t feel seen on that level very often.

So when someone offers that kind of compliment, they’re taking a small emotional risk, even if it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

What’s interesting is how quickly many of us try to escape that moment when the roles are reversed.

The second someone says something kind about us, our mind starts negotiating with it: 

They’re just being polite. They don’t really mean it. I’m not actually that impressive. Almost automatically, we minimize, joke, or redirect attention somewhere else. 

Anything to move past the discomfort of being the focus of genuine appreciation.

I once heard a simple example of this. 

A man told his girlfriend, sincerely, 

“You look really beautiful tonight,” and 

she laughed and called him a dork. 

She probably meant it affectionately, but the moment collapsed. 

What could have been a moment of genuine connection disappeared before it had a chance to land. 

He had offered appreciation, and there was nowhere for it to go.

Awkwardness isn’t built into the moment itself. 

A compliment only becomes uncomfortable when both people try to move away from it at the same time. If one person offers kindness and the other simply receives it, nothing strange is happening. 

It’s just a human exchange.

In a way, receiving a compliment is an act of generosity. 

The person giving it may have gathered a bit of courage to say something sincere. 

When we dismiss it, we unintentionally make that vulnerability go unrewarded, or even punished. 

When we accept it calmly—“Thank you, that means a lot”—we dance with it, and in doing so complete the moment.

Our difficulty with compliments often points to something deeper. 

When I spoke with Humble the Poet a few years ago, he shared an idea that resonated with me: 

 

Many of us grow up believing love and approval have to be earned. So when someone appreciates us without us having to prove anything first, it can feel unfamiliar, and we don’t always let it in.

He suggested trying something simple: 

Stand in front of a mirror and compliment yourself . . . not your appearance, but something about who you are. For many people, that feels unexpectedly uncomfortable. And that discomfort is revealing. It shows where acceptance hasn’t fully settled yet.

Like most emotional skills, receiving compliments becomes easier through repetition (which could simply mean sitting in the discomfort of it when that discomfort arises, instead of reacting in your usual ways). 

You don’t need the perfect response. 

You don’t need to balance the moment by saying something equally meaningful back. 

You just need to let the compliment exist without arguing with it. 

Pause for a moment. 

Let it land, and try a new response on for size.

Sometimes connection is nothing more complicated than allowing yourself to be seen, and staying there long enough to receive it.

Matthew Hussey

Many people struggle to take a compliment. 

It doesn’t matter if the compliment comes from a loved one, a stranger, or a trusted source, like a therapist. The struggle goes much deeper than manners, modesty, or cultural norms.

I’m talking about the inability to accept what therapists call positive affect. The issue for some is about feeling, deep down, that you don’t deserve it, that you can’t believe it, that as a person you are not worthy, and that you can’t allow or take in the experience of feeling good about yourself, or even believing someone else feels good about you either.

1. Why do some people find it so psychologically painful to take compliments? 
2. Why is the ability to accept compliments so important? 
3. What needs to happen to allow a person to truly take a compliment to heart and let it nourish them?

To be able to truly hear a compliment depends on 

being able to see good in one’s self. 

But unfortunately for some, deeply painful past relationships interfere with their ability to accept or see the good in themselves. 

Even so, with careful work, people can learn to understand their personal barriers, bring compassion to themselves, and learn to respond to compliments in more positive ways.

Why is it important to be able to take compliments? 

When given without any ulterior motives, compliments feed the best parts of ourselves. 

Seeing and knowing the good in one’s self is essential to overcoming self-defeating activities, and to living a life more in sync with what is personally meaningful.

In a healthy relationship, compliments show that two people can recognize and enjoy the special unique individual that each person is. The ability to say thank you or smile when receiving a compliment shows that your heart is open to who you are – you are able to take in those moments when someone sees the best in you — and you see it too!

What Interferes With the Ability to Accept Compliments?

Deep down we all want love and recognition – to be understood, to be important, to matter to someone else, and to care about a loved one the same way. 

But for those who survive abuse or neglect, especially during childhood, the experience of trauma raises deep doubts about self-worth, and often fuels an engulfing shame.

Abuse or neglect forces the survivor to make a terrible choice to survive: 

How to make sense of danger, isolating disconnection and hurt brought by people who are supposed to be safe?

If the abusers are central to a child’s life, they can’t be wrong. 

The loyalty to parents and meaningful people that children internalize is huge! 

Children often protect the abusive caregivers out of loyalty, believing in them and therefore believing that the abuse is fitting and warranted! The abused or neglected person comes to think he or she must deserve the mistreatment.

The struggle to manage so much despair and distress often gives rise to a harsh inner critic whose judgments are vital to explain — and tolerate — why things must be as they are

Receiving a compliment can be deeply triggering, especially for trauma survivors. 

It can touch off a great deal of anxiety and fear. 

1. Does the compliment come with strings? 
2. Does the person giving the compliment want something? 
3. Are there hidden motives? 
4. Is this just the first step down that awful path toward more mistreatment and abuse?

It can be very hard for a person with a history of trauma to internalize a compliment, even from someone they trust, because it comes from another world — a place they don’t understand – where someone sees something wonderful about them. This conflicts with the part of them that holds the internal view that they don’t matter, that they are worthless. It doesn’t seem possible that they could experience good feelings for themselves, because that doesn’t fit with the way they have learned to see themselves.

How Can the Inner Critic Begin to Heal?

Dr. Kristin Neff, author of the book Self-Compassion, 

advocates for greater understanding and use of self-compassion to calm self-criticism, and promote mental, physical, and emotional health.

When we are self-critical, she explains, our stress level goes up. 

This “floods our system with adrenaline and cortisol. 

And it’s a double whammy because when we criticize ourselves, we are both the attacker and the attacked. This type of chronic stress can eventually lead to anxiety and depression, undermining our physical and emotional wellbeing.”

She reminds us that our inner critic is actually trying to help. 

This is such an important concept! 

Inner critics are usually protective guardians trying to keep us safe. 

“We can be kind and compassionate to this part of ourselves, because at some level it has our best interests at heart,” Neff tells us. “And believe it or not, by giving compassion to our inner critic, we are moving out of the threat defense system and into our other safety system.”

The healing process involves bringing compassion to the inner critic with a desire to understand it, a genuine curiosity.

A Framework for Therapists to Understand and Treat Self-Criticism: 

The IFS Model

Other researchers and therapists have observed the power of compassion to help people find healing and self-acceptance. Dr. Richard Schwartz found that when he helped clients “approach their own worst, most hated feelings and desires with open minds and hearts,” their harsh self-critics became gentler, and they began to function more like helpers and collaborators in the work of healing.

Dr. Schwartz recognized the inner voices of shame, criticism, hopelessness, and pessimism as a system of “internal interactions,” or a “family” of emotional parts. He developed the Internal Family Systems – or IFS model — to help understand and work with people who experience turmoil between these inner parts or states of mind.

The IFS model also provides a very helpful framework to understand the genuine self; 

“everyone is at their core a Self containing many crucial leadership qualities such as perspective, confidence, compassion, and acceptance,” Schwartz explains. “Working with hundreds of clients for more than two decades, some of whom were severely abused and show severe symptoms, has convinced me that everyone has this healthy and healing Self despite the fact that many people initially have very little access to it. ”

The IFS model is a framework to help people see and manage their inner critic, inner pessimist, and other parts, so they can connect with the ‘core self.’ It is a way for therapists and their clients to see how their protective “parts are forced into extreme roles by external circumstances and, once it seems safe, they gladly transform into valuable family members.”

EMDR and Positive Affect Tolerance Protocol

Another therapeutic style or model is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR. There is even a particular protocol in EMDR called the positive affect tolerance protocol.

Developed by Andrew Leeds, it is a protocol for therapists trained in EMDR to help those who struggle to accept positive feelings or beliefs about themselves. It is especially helpful for many survivors of childhood trauma who learned to suppress or avoid positive emotional states to cope with neglect or abuse.

The Importance of the Trauma-Informed Approach

Trauma-informed therapy is an indispensable approach for all therapy. 

It is so important when working with clients who struggle with compliments and self-worth. 

The approach focuses on the underlying reasons why the person is unable to take in the compliment. There is a reason why the compliment is so painful. 

In trauma-informed care, therapists need to sit with clients and their discomfort to safely begin to look at it and help clients learn to ride out the feeling; like a wave – it will pass.

The work begins after we have built a relationship with the client that allows the person to feel safe and accepted for who they are, right where they are in life. 

The client knows that I’m not going to judge them; that I’m really present with them. 

I’m not half-hearing them and formulating my grocery list. 

I’m fully there with them walking this journey of healing.

Working on Accepting Compliments in Therapy

Once the person feels safe that they can be heard and not judged, the work can begin to address their issues, including trauma, inability to receive positive affect or compliments and understand how their parts developed in an amazingly creative way to keep them safe in childhood.

So we might start with, “I like your shoes.” 

Later I might comment on something that the client did well: 

“Wow, you did a really good job at this.” 

And for my clients who cringe, I might suggest, 

“Just see if you can hold it, my feelings, for three seconds.”

We work slowly, noticing where they feel the discomfort in their body, noticing what it feels like to hear a compliment from a person they trust, and also noticing the compassion for them, from me, the person giving the compliment.

It takes a great deal of work to process how the trauma in their life has stolen their ability to believe in their own worth. After a client begins to see the self that was in the protective custody of shame and pain, the work on compliments can begin. The pleasure of accepting a compliment may be brief, if it happens at all. But once we find a way to ask the inner protective part (the part that works to avoid hurt) to step aside, we can become more open to recognizing, enjoying, and sharing who we are.

Therapists can use a number of approaches to help people feel safe enough to open up to their core self and let others appreciate it too.

How Compliments Help in Healing Trauma, and Making Healthy Connections

Being able to know and accept your core self, and allow the compliments of others, is so important to healthy relationships. It is a way of deepening a loving bond with your partner, and can also support the process of healing from trauma.

“Love is the continual search for a basic, secure connection with someone else. Through this bond, partners in love become emotionally dependent on each other for nurturing, soothing, and protection, ” 

says Dr. Sue Johnson, clinical psychologist and author of several books and studies on attachment.

When a trauma survivor rejects a loved one’s compliments, the partner can become hurt and confused. 

Working in relationship with a trauma survivor means knowing how helpful it is to see this difficulty, and not to give up: 

“Well you don’t have to believe it, but I will for both of us right now.”

The ability to accept compliments does more than feed healthy relationships. 

It is also important to developing self-confidence and an awareness of how to enjoy life and take good care of yourself.

No matter how difficult it may seem, there is always hope that self-compassion and self-knowledge can play a larger role in the course of your life and relationships. 

By learning to manage painfully self-limiting beliefs with compassion, you can open yourself to the joy of simply being more fully present with yourself and others, and feeling more fully self-led and alive.

Robyn E. Brickel

Books

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (book) by Kristin Neff

Self-Therapy with Your Inner Critic: Transforming Self-Criticism into Self-Confidence by Jay Earley, PhD and Bonnie Weiss, LCSW (I love this book! – very readable)

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships by Sue Johnson

Websites

Internal Family Systems: The Center for Leadership, a website about the IFS model

Self-Compassion, about Dr. Kristin Neff’s research and findings about the value of self-compassion

Dr. Sue Johnson: Creating Connections, on the attachment bond and books and other resources for therapists.

Palavras

Freepik

 Palavras 

que apenas desconjuntadas 

se deixam escutar 

as nossas 

nascidas em gargantas 

sob o cerco 

de venenos carnívoros 

estremecendo no espaço 

como ao vento 

a roupa 

mas mais vagarosas 

mais lavradas por um 

pessoalíssimo fogo 

palavras difundidas a direito 

sobranceiras à gravidade 

e os dias 

barrados à entrada 

como em certos lugares 

os bêbedos 

palavras 

seladas com um gesto 

única pontuação 

entre os descendentes 

da fome 

braço que se dobra 

para ampliar em si 

o destino 

de um corpo alheio 

e será

sempre assim

o encontro

uma paisagem destruída

e nós

os alheados

da carnificina

Vasco Gato

Frog Farmer Woman

At age 23, I married my first husband, whom I affectionately refer to as Mr. Tall, Dark & Handsome. Believe me, he is all that and a great guy too. 

By the time we divorced 6 years later, I was convinced that I simply was not the type of woman that men fell in love with, that men loved passionately and gave presents to, that men wrote poetry for and couldn’t wait to make love to. 

I explained this to myself with the theory that I must be missing the “Grace Kelly gene.” 

Whatever that Princess Grace-quality was that has men adore a woman, 

I just didn’t have it.

After my marriage ended, I began a relationship with a man who treated me like Princess Grace. 

He was very attentive, romantic, interested and passionate. 

I then decided that there wasn’t something wrong with me after all. 

My new theory was that I had simply married “the wrong man” and was now with “the right man.”

Lo and behold, after 6 months or so, I had the same complaints about my new boyfriend that I had about my old husband. He had definitely changed from that great guy he had been. 

Then I remembered that my husband was really great in the beginning, too. 

That’s why I married him (plus he was tall, dark and handsome!). 

Looking back, all my boyfriends had been wonderful at first, and they changed, too.

As I thought about the precise moment when men changed, I decided it was when they had “caught” me; the point at which I was unquestionably hooked on their attention and affection. 

The trick would be to never let a man know I was caught, I cleverly thought. 

I concluded that if I kept men guessing then they would stay on their best behavior. 

The only problem with this new strategy, of course, is that it is the opposite of how I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted to be able to surrender to being in love, be secure, and have a future.

A couple of weeks after I devised my new and improved strategy, a friend of mine independently complained about the same phenomenon. 

Fatefully for me, the person to whom she voiced her complaint was a man.

My friend asked,  

“Why is it that men are really great in the beginning?

They pay lots of attention, they’re really romantic, they listen, they bring you flowers, and they act like they care about your pets. Then, after a few weeks or a few months, they turn into sports-watching, pizza-eating, beer-belching couch slugs.” 

To my surprise, the man replied,

”Oh, I see. You’re a Frog Farmer.”

Some women turn frogs into princes. 

You, my dear, turn princes into frogs.

You take good guys and you bring out the very worst in them and turn them into frogs.”

As you can imagine, my friend was not pleased with this answer at all. 

But I was completely intrigued. 

I immediately had a vision: a field with rows upon rows of frogs with the little human faces of my husband and past boyfriends.

My reaction was, “Wow. I’m a frog farmer!”

I knew intuitively that it was true. 

Instead of this being bad news, to me it was great news. 

If I had anything at all to do with how men treated me, I wanted to know. 

If it was something I was doing, then I could change it too. 

Thus began my research in February of 1991. I started with the question, 

“What if men are responding to women?” 

Since then I have talked with countless men about how they view the world, their lives, work, relationships, family and especially, women. 

What I learned completely surprised me. 

What I learned rocked my world.

As my research changed my view of men, it changed how I react to them, and talk to them, and think about them. 

My research also changed my experience of being a woman. 

I even discovered that I affect how much they change after they catch me. 

I learned that it was I that changed when they caught me, and their behavior followed suit.

After a while, other women started noticing that men treat me differently.

They began asking:

1. “What is it about you that men are so wonderful to you?” and,
2. “Why is it that men will do anything for you – and you are not even sleeping with them?” and, most commonly,
3. “What do you know that I don’t know?”

Back then it would only take a couple of hours to explain what I had learned about men and some of their most annoying behaviors. Months, even years, later, the women would tell me that their relationships with men had never been the same.

What I learned has changed my life. 

I have amazing relationships with men friends, my son, and the men in my family. 

I have been married since 1993 to a very successful man who does all those things I had hoped for and more. 

The best thing is we are more in love now than when we married!

Am I A Frog Farmer?

If you answer “Yes” to any of the following questions, you may be a Frog Farmer. 

It is not your fault! 

Frog Farming comes from how we all have been taught to relate to men. 

It’s based in misunderstandings and miscommunication. 

• Do men keep their distance instead of seeking emotional intimacy?
• Do you feel ignored instead of adored?
• Do you feel taken from instead of given to by men?
• Are men defensive with you instead of open?
• Do you experience being objectified instead of cherished?
• Have you been told you intimidate men?

Alison Armstrong

1. Fundamental Attribution Error

The first thing we're going to talk about is Fundamental Attribution Error. 

This is when you assume that when your partner does something negative, it's because they have an inherent character flaw, but when you do something negative, it's because of your circumstances. 

For example, when I'm running late, it's because I'm really busy and preoccupied. 

But when you're running late, it's because you're lazy and you're disrespectful of other people's time. 

Or when I'm a bad driver, it's because I'm just in a real hurry. 

But when somebody else is a bad driver, it's because they're an asshole. 

Or when I don't initiate sex, it's because I'm stressed out or I'm really tired. 

But when you don't initiate sex, it's because you're sexually defective, or you're selfish, or maybe you just don't love me anymore – you're not capable of loving me. 

Do you see how in every one of these examples, when your partner's misbehaving it's because it's inherent in who they are, but when you're misbehaving, it's typically because of circumstances and it doesn't have anything to do with you?

That is fundamental attribution error. 

And when that starts showing up in your relationship, it will bring out the worst in your partner.

2. Passing Off Your Anxiety To Your Partner

The second thing we're going to talk about is when you pass off your anxiety to your partner. 

Dr. David Schnarch says that when you can't control your own negative emotions, what you'll do is try to manipulate and control everybody else's behaviors to make yourself feel calm. 

So here's what that might look like:

Maybe I can't handle the anxiety of telling my parents, "We are not coming home for Christmas." 

So rather than having that uncomfortable conversation with my parents, I just guilt trip my partner into spending every single Christmas with my family and only doing our traditions at the expense of their family and their traditions.

Here's another example. 

Maybe our income has decreased over the last few months and it makes me feel really uncomfortable to have to follow a strict budget and cut back on some lifestyle choices, because it means I can't have the things that I want.

So rather than following a strict budget, and making some financial sacrifices, I get angry at my partner and tell them they're not doing their job to provide for the family. And that gives me permission to continue spending the way that I want to spend, but making it their fault.

Or maybe I'm upset because our marriage feels unfair because I've washed the dishes every single night, this week. And my partner hasn't touched them.

So what do I do to deal with those unfair feelings? 

Well, I get angry at my partner and I lectured them, and I nag them, and I make them feel like a failure as a partner, so that they'd hopefully step up their game and do the dishes out of obligation and take that pressure off my shoulders.

When you can't manage your own stress, and anxiety, and negative feelings that inherently show up in any relationship, you're going to pass on the management of those feelings to your partner. And it's going to make them  want to withdraw and disengage from the relationship. 

3. Invalidation

The third thing we're going to talk about is invalidation. 

This is when you make your partner feel crazy for experiencing life the way they experience it.

Part of what makes us fall in love with somebody is that they make us feel understood. 

They get us. 

They listen to our perspective, and our opinions, and they validate them. And they put theirselves in our shoes and see the world through our lens.

And what somebody does that for us, it makes us feel not alone, and loved, and accepted for exactly who we are, which is what we want.

And when you take that experience away from your partner, you can leave them feeling completely devastated.

For example, let's say you say something that hurts your partner's feelings. Maybe you use the wrong tone of voice. 

It doesn't matter whether you did this intentionally or unintentionally. What matters is that their feelings were hurt. 

If they approach you and say, "Hey, that really hurt my feelings."

And you say, "What are you talking about? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You're making stupid stuff up in your head. You're crazy. I don't owe you an apology. I didn't do anything wrong."

What do you think their response is going to be? 

Well, they're not going to want to get closer to you. 

They're going to check out of the relationship. 

And more often than not, if this continues over time, your partner is going to seek out somebody who will validate them.

And that could mean the end of your relationship.

4. Bids For Connection

The fourth thing on the list of frog farming activities is not responding to your partners bids for connection. 

Brené Brown recently told a story at one of Oprah's events about her daughter coming home with really hurt feelings after a day at school.

And she told her mom that she had told some of her close friends a secret at recess. 

And when they came back from recess, the entire class knew her secret. And they were making fun of her for it. And they got so disruptive that the teacher started taking marbles out at the marble jar.

If you were ever in elementary school, you probably know what the marble jar was for. 

Essentially the way that this teacher ran the room is when the students were behaving, and doing good things, and engaging in the class, she would add marbles to the jar.

And when they were misbehaving and being disruptive, she would take marbles out of the jar. 

So Brené Brown's daughter's secret was getting passed around the class, and she was getting teased for it. And the teacher was just taking marbles out of the jar. 

And her daughter was just humiliated. 

So, she came home and she said, "Mom, I'm never going to trust anybody again." 

And Brené, in that moment, saw an opportunity to teach her daughter a little bit about trust. 

And she said, 

"You know, trust is a little bit like the marble jar. There are some people in our lives who show up for us in little ways, and it's like adding marbles to the jar. Do you have any marble jar friends?"

And her daughter was like, "I do, I do have marble jar friends." 

And she started telling her mom stories of friends who would scoot over and make room for her at lunchtime. Or friends who remembered her grandma and grandpa's names.

They would do these little things that made a big difference for her. 

And that same marble jar concept holds true in relationships. 

Dr. John Gottman did some incredible research where he discovered that the most fulfilled couples on the planet had a ratio, on the low end, of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. And on the high end, that was around 20 positive interactions to every one  negative interaction.

So these happy couples are putting more marbles in the jar than they're taking out on a regular basis. 

And Dr. Gottman's research also found that when your partner makes a bid to connect with you, when they send you a funny meme on your phone, or they reach out to hold your hand when you're walking by each other, or they ask you how your day was, those positive interactions actually means a lot. 

There are essentially three ways you can respond. 

1. You can respond positively when your partner reaches out to connect with you. 
2. You can respond negatively and reject their bid for connection. 
3. Or you can completely ignore it and miss it.

And I think the most interesting part of this research is that a missed bid for connection, or a bid for connection that gets completely ignored, actually does more damage to a relationship than a negative response.

So if your partner is out there sending you texts, leaving you little notes, kissing you on the cheek, and you are ignoring their bids to connect with you. And you're not even responding to them. 

Your partner is going to stop trying.

And as a matter of fact, instead of trying to make positive bids for connection, they might start making negative bids for connection. Because just getting a reaction from you, even if it's negative, it means more to them than being completely ignored. 

And I think this is the source of a lot of misbehavior in relationships. 

Is people get sick of their partner missing or ignoring their bids to connect with them.

5. Lack of Appreciation

The fifth and final frog farming activity that we're going to talk about today is the lack of appreciation.

I was talking to a man the other day and he said, 

"I feel like my job in our family is just to be a bank. I'm a sperm bank, I'm a piggy bank. And my partner basically just keeps me around to help parent the kids and pay the bills." 

And on the other hand, I've heard women complain that it feels like their partner's, just an extra child that they have to take care of.

They're just a glorified maid, and a chauffeur, and maybe even like a sex object. 

But they don't get any real, meaningful connection from their partner. 

Now, when I hear people complaining about this, I know immediately that there's a huge lack of gratitude and appreciation in their relationship.

And when I talk to these couples and ask them why they're not more appreciative of their partner, oftentimes the first thing that they say is, 

"Why should I express gratitude to my partner for doing the thing that they're supposed to do anyway? It's my partner's job to do the laundry. It's their job to empty the garbage. It's their job to do the dishes. Why should I say, thank you for that? I do my job and I don't get any gratitude for it."

And my response to that is  if you go to a restaurant and the server brings you your food, do you say, thank you? 

You probably do.

If you're at the grocery store and somebody bags your groceries for you, do you tell them, thank you? 

Probably. Because you're a decent person. 

So why can you thank those people for doing their jobs and you can't thank your partner for doing theirs?

If expressing some appreciation towards your partner for doing some of those little things that make your life a little bit easier is a net positive on your relationship, why wouldn't you do it? 

It costs you nothing.

It's free. 

It requires very little effort. 

I don't understand why people want to die on this hill. I don't get why they dig their heels in on this

Life is better and relationships are more enjoyable when you're with people who appreciate the contributions that you make. 

So be that kind of person! 

Be the kind of person that other people like being around.   

Nate Bagley

I’m sure you already know some of the things that your husband appreciates, enjoys, and savors.

But what if you had the top-secret guide to the things that bring out the worst in your husband?

To your actions, statements and mindsets that – effectively – turn him from Prince to Frog?

What would happen then?

(Because really – who wants to be married to a frog, anyway?)

 

Here are a few, for starters:

Criticizing him. 

Oh, but I would never do that. I mean, except when he’s on his phone too long. Or leaves his socks on the floor next to the hamper. Or gets the kids riled up before bedtime… Ummm, what’s next?

Making helpful suggestions. 

Wait – what? But aren’t I supposed to be an aizer kenegdo? How else is he going to stop eating those unhealthy danishes for breakfast, if I don’t tell him what he should be eating? And it really would be easier for him to put together the IKEA bookcase if he reads the instructions first!

How about if we just go through some of the other points for you to think about?

When he accomplishes something (a favor for you, a task around the house, or something in his own world) would you ever…

Withhold appreciation? 

“It’s his responsibility to take out the garbage– you want me to thank him too?”

Withhold admiration? “Whaddaya want, a medal?”

Not let him impress you? “I do way more around here – I’m not pumping up his ego for that.”

Do you find yourself…

Comparing him unfavorably to other people? 

”Suri’s husband does bedtime AND folds laundry.”

Demeaning his earning abilities or career? “An electrician? When will you get a real job?”

Looking down on his frumkeit or learning level? “Daf yomi recording in the car? That’s not real hasmada.”

When he speaks to you or others, or wants your attention, do you ever

Ignore him?

Roll your eyes?

Finish his sentence or speak on his behalf?

Interrupt him? (Get really honest here)

Do you… 

Ask leading questions? 

“Is that what you’re eating for lunch?”

Tell him how you would do things? 

“When I go down this street, I go under 20 MPH so I don’t bounce on the speed bumps.”

Undo and redo things he did, and then show him? 

“This is the way to stack the towels in the closet.”

Demonstrate that you don’t trust him to fulfill his responsibilities? 

“Don’t forget to pay the electric bill on time. You don’t want to get a late penalty.”

OK, now take a deep breath.

And be honest with yourself.

How would you rate yourself on all of the above?

OMG, I do almost all of those! But only when I’m actually right. 

You, my dear, have earned the dubious honor of being a Frog Farmer. 

Your reward? 

Although you may care for your husband and wish the best for your marriage, you are most likely consistently – though unintentionally – making it very difficult for him to max out his potential as an amazing husband. Because you can choose to be “right”… OR to have a deeper connection. 

Well, maybe sometimes.  

But, like, not always out loud. Just in my head. Mostly.

The good news is, you’re ahead of the game. Good for you! 

To ramp up the emotional intimacy in your relationship even more, and really bring out your husband’s best side, you’ll want to work on reducing judgment and increasing acceptance and respect.

Nope. Never even entered my mind. I must have found an amazing husband!

Maybe. But most likely, you get some of the credit. 

After all, behind every great husband stands a wife who notices and appreciates his strengths, graciously receives what he has to provide, allows him to be her hero, and trusts him to fulfill his role to the best of his abilities.

Hey wait a minute! No fair! 

Because my husband really IS irresponsible / unavailable / messy / overly meticulous selfish / uncaring / eccentric / unmotivated / not learning enough / not helping enough / not yeshivish enough / awkward / extravagant / stingy / inefficient / forgetful / picky / materialistic / disorganized / always late / quiet / loud / busy / not what I thought he would be.

That may be true. 

Your husband is human, after all – with his own personality, idiosyncrasies, and innate strengths and weaknesses. 

Just like you.

And maybe he will change someday. Or maybe he won’t.

But here’s a question to consider: 

If you’re doing some of the behaviors above, are they getting you what you really want?

Why not try dropping some of them, and see what happens?

Wouldn’t you love to see what happens when you give him the opportunity to be your Prince?

Alisa Avruch

What men want

 PxHere

When you're born a man, it comes with expectations.

There's an outlook that's been passed down the generations.

And make no mistake, I can take charge when needed.

But as a result sometimes I feel my needs go unheeded.

They never tell you is how tiring "being strong" can be.

It's enough to drive me nuts, to want to pack up and flee.

And it's not like the people in my life do not care.

But despite all their efforts, it's still so much to bear.

As a result, i find myself with a single modest desire.

To find someone to hold me, to be wanted by her.

A spontaneous embrace, a loving kiss on my cheek.

I want a chance to not be a man, but just to be meek.

Of course there are other things to which I fantasize.

But as far as I'm concerned, it's the care that's the prize.

To have may hair stroked and be told it's okay.

To have that for myself, no price I wouldn't pay.

This, deep down, is something so many men want.

Someone to take charge, not a trophy to flaunt.

It's hard to live with, to see no future but toil.

To say men need no care throws my soul into turmoil.

And for that I seek a someone of aggressive flirtation.

Yet nonetheless is fond of caring, gentle domination.

I fully recognize in truth that I am owed no such thing.

But I can still hope, even if it ends up no more than a fling.

I do not wish to sound needy, to guilt you or such.

I am just venting my want for a soft, gentle touch...

Desconhecido

in, Off My Chest

Men Only Want One Thing

okeyphotos

Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting: To run away from home at seventeen and offer their services as a deckhand on a ship bound for the New World. To take a drag of a hand-rolled cigarette as they look out over their cattle herd, cowboy hat tipped to shade from the rising sun, tin cup of gritty black coffee in their hand. To build a Roman Castrum while on campaign in Gaul. To feel the sea spray against their beard as they prepare for raiding. To step foot on another celestial body.

Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting: To lead a cavalry charge into enemy ranks. To feed their blood lust with the boiling anger inside of them. To stand shoulder-to-shoulder with their brothers in a shield wall. To defend the ramparts against the storming enemy. To use the violence inherent to them. To find themselves standing victorious on a battlefield scattered with bodies. To make a heroic last stand. To bleed out contentedly in a liminal place, knowing that they’ve successfully protected their family.

Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting: To be left alone. To fish in silence for a couple of hours, nothing but the sound of water lapping to keep them company. To reflect on their mistakes, and to forgive themselves. To remember their father and knowingly nod as they finally understand him. To devote themselves in their entirety to a project, and to finish that project with a feeling of deserved pride. To leave something behind.

Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting: To feel the contrast of their rough skin against their baby’s soft hand as it grips their finger. To face the terrifying responsibility of fatherhood and accept it. To smell their child’s hair as they sleep soundly in their arms. To blow raspberries on giggly tummies. To teach their son a skill and see him beam with pride as he does it by himself for the first time. To hear their child say “I love you” unprompted.

Men only want one thing and it’s disgusting: To wake up intertwined with a lover on a lazy Sunday morning, sun shining through the curtains. To bring her coffee in bed. To randomly run into the girl they met at a party a couple years earlier and have the courage to ask for her number this time. To fall deeply in love with their childhood next door neighbor, decide to marry her at five years old, and stick to that plan for the rest of their life. To be unconditionally loved.

Men, what is the only thing you want?

Drunk Wisconsin

A Man and a Woman Arguing

 

Giver

One night in the desert

a poor Bedouin woman has this to say

to her husband,

“Everyone is happy

and prosperous, except us! We have no bread.

We have no spices. We have no water jug.

We barely have any clothes. No blankets

for the night. We fantasize that the full moon

is a cake. We reach for it! We’re an embarrassment

even to the beggars. Everyone avoids us.

Arab men are supposed to be generous warriors,

but look at you, stumbling around! If some guest

were to come to us, we’d steal his rags

when he fell asleep. Who is your guide

that leads you to this? We can’t even get

a handful of lentils! Ten years’ worth

of nothing, that’s what we are!”

She went on and on.

“If God is abundant, we must be following

an imposter. Who’s leading us? Some fake,

that always says, Tomorrow, illumination

will bring you treasure, tomorrow.

As everyone knows, that never comes.

Though I guess, it happens very rarely, sometimes,

that a disciple following an imposter can somehow

surpass the pretender. But still I want to know

what this deprivation says about us.”

The husband replied, finally,

“How long will you complain

about money and our prospects for money? The torrent

of our life has mostly gone by. Don’t worry about

transient things. Think how the animals live.

The dove on the branch giving thanks.

The glorious singing of the nightingale.

The gnat. The elephant. Every living thing

trusts in God for its nourishment.

These pains that you feel are messengers.

Listen to them. Turn them to sweetness. The night

is almost over. You were young once, and content.

Now you think about money all the time.

You used to be that money. You were a healthy vine.

Now you’re a rotten fruit. You ought to be growing

sweeter and sweeter, but you’re gone bad.

As my wife, you should be equal to me.

Like a pair of boots, if one is too tight,

the pair is of no use.

Like two folding doors, we can’t be mismatched.

A lion does not mate with a wolf.”

So this man who was happily poor

scolded his wife until daybreak,

when she responded,

“Don’t talk to me

about your high station! Look how you act!

Spiritual arrogance is the ugliest of all things.

It’s like a day that’s cold and snowy,

and your clothes are wet too!

It’s too much to bear!

And don’t call me your mate, you fraud!

You scramble after scraps of bone

with the dogs.

You’re not as satisfied as you pretend!

You’re the snake and the snake charmer

at the same time, but you don’t know it.

You’re charming a snake for money,

and the snake is charming you.

You talk about God a lot, and you make me feel guilty

by using that word. You better watch out!

That word will poison you, if you use it

to have power over me.”

So the rough volume of her talking

fell on the husband, and he fought back,

“Woman,

this poverty is my deepest joy.

This bare way of life is honest and beautiful.

We can hide nothing when we’re like this.

You say I’m really arrogant and greedy,

and you say I’m a snake charmer and a snake,

but those nicknames are for you.

In your anger and your wantings

you see those qualities in me.

I want nothing from this world.

You’re like a child that has turned round and round,

and now you think the house is turning.

It’s your eyes that see wrong. Be patient,

and you’ll see the blessings and the lord’s light

in how we live.”

This argument continued

throughout the day, and even longer.

A night full of talking that hurts,

my worst held-back secrets. Everything

has to do with loving and not loving.

This night will pass.

Then we have work to do.

Rumi

Sting - live session at the Panthéon in Paris - ARTE Concert

 

Sting - Sounds Like Art - Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam - ARTE Concert

 

Stop Searching for Yourself. You’re Not Lost.

 Somewhere along the way, 

personal growth turned into 

a treasure hunt.

The premise sold to you, in books and podcasts and weekend retreats, is that your “true self” already exists, fully formed, buried under years of accumulated pressure and other people’s expectations.

Your job is simply to excavate it.

Dig patiently enough. Sit quietly enough. Retreat to the right mountain, the right therapist, the right breathwork session, and it will finally surface.

It won’t.

And the reason it won’t has nothing to do with how hard you search or how honest your journaling is. There is no buried treasure. 

The self is not a fixed thing waiting to be uncovered. 

It is something you construct, piece by piece, through what you choose to do and what you choose to fight for.

The entire framework of “finding yourself” is not wisdom. 

It is an extremely sophisticated stalling mechanism. 

And the longer you stay in it, the longer you defer the only work that would actually change anything.

The Most Dangerous Word in Self-Help

“Find.”

Find your purpose. Find your passion. Find yourself.

These phrases carry an embedded assumption that the thing you’re looking for already exists somewhere, fully formed, waiting for you to locate it like a lost set of keys.

You just need to search harder. Meditate longer. Journal more honestly. Run away to the right mountain or the right therapy session or the right silent retreat. Then it will surface.

This framework is not just wrong.

It is an elegant mechanism for avoiding the one thing that actually works, commitment.

If you’re always searching, you never have to risk committing.

You never have to stake yourself to a value and live with the consequences of that stake. 

The search can go on indefinitely. 

And in the meantime, you can feel like you’re doing something meaningful without actually changing anything.

Friedrich Nietzsche, whose life ended in madness but whose thinking was sharper than almost anyone who has attempted to understand what it means to be human, described this kind of perpetual searching as a symptom of a deeper cowardice. Not the dramatic, obvious kind of cowardice. The quiet kind. The kind that wraps itself in the language of wisdom and self-knowledge, and then sits very still for a very long time waiting for clarity that will never arrive through stillness alone.

His prescription was the opposite of stillness. He put it plainly.

“The secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment is to live dangerously.”

Not safely. Not reflectively. Dangerously. 

With exposure and consequence and genuine skin in the game. 

Because the only way to know what you actually value is to act, to suffer the results, and to pay attention to what the suffering reveals about you.

This is not an abstract philosophical point. 

It is the most practical thing you will ever encounter about how values actually work.

in,  Nietzsche Wisdoms