Mostrar mensagens com a etiqueta Conta-me tudo...não me escondas nada!. Mostrar todas as mensagens
Mostrar mensagens com a etiqueta Conta-me tudo...não me escondas nada!. Mostrar todas as mensagens

terça-feira, 15 de setembro de 2026

Why Staying Friends with an Ex Keeps You Stuck


Pexels






Breaking up is hard to do.

So hard, in fact, that we often have a difficult time completely ending a relationship.

Making a clean break can feel too final, too absolute, and too harsh, especially with someone you’ve been so close to. To dampen the hurt of heartbreak, it’s common to try to lessen the pain by maintaining connection.

“We can still be friends.”

It’s such an obvious solution. Yes, the romance is over, but it feels harsh to cut ties entirely. On one hand, it makes a lot of sense, because like good friends, you two have a lot of history. On the other hand, your romantic relationship ended for a reason.

Whether staying friends with your ex is a good idea depends on why you want to preserve the friendship.

What’s your motivation?


The Four Reasons for Staying Friends
Researchers have you covered. To determine people’s reasons for continuing friendships with former partners, 288 adults (ages 18-62) reviewed a list of 29 possible reasons for wanting to stay friends (e.g., “being polite,” “not wanting to be alone”) and indicated how true each was for them (Griffith et al., 2017).

Participants’ ratings revealed four key motivations for staying friends:

Security: Staying friends to not lose the ex-partner’s emotional support, advice, or trust. Keeping them around because of shared memories or to have someone to count on.

Practical: Staying friends to avoid losing the ex-partner’s financial support or the social status associated with the relationship. Or staying friends because you have a child together, or shared possessions.

Civility: Staying friends simply to be polite, not hurt the ex-partner’s feelings, to avoid confrontation, or because you feel guilty about breaking up with them.

Unresolved Romantic Desire: Keeping the friendship because you don’t want to be alone, to maintain sexual contact, and because you still hope to rekindle a romantic relationship.



It Was Never About Staying Friends
Everyone wants a happy ending with minimal hurt feelings. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works out for everyone. The research shows it wasn’t necessarily the fact that people wanted to stay friends. The real issue was the underlying reason for wanting to keep the connection.

First, the really bad news. 
Those who wanted to stay friends because of unresolved romantic desire experienced a range of negative outcomes: feeling heartbroken, worse mental health, more depression, greater tension in the friendship circle, and increased jealousy. 
Staying friends due to lingering feelings was also counterproductive for forming new relationships, because it made it harder to make new friends and more difficult to find a new romantic partner.

So, what’s going on? 
I think it comes down to what I call “the potato chip principle.” 
The famous Lay’s potato chips slogan says, “Betcha can’t eat just one.” They’re not kidding. 
If you’re really trying to avoid eating a bag of potato chips, it’s a lot easier to succeed if you don’t have any potato chips. Having even just a little, makes the temptation to eat more a lot more difficult to deny.

The same is true for relationships with exes. 
Some contact, even if it’s just a little, is harder to handle than no contact.

A clean break sets a clear and unmistakable boundary. 
Having “just a little” contact forces you to constantly decide how much contact is innocent and harmless, or potentially too much and runs the risk of reopening old wounds. 
All those little contacts, even just a “checking in” text, keeps the old attachment intact. You call it “only friends,” but it still has unintended consequences.

The attachment to a former partner lingers longer than you may think. 
Research on 320 participants shows that the emotional bond to an ex is only halfway gone, on average, at 4.18 years, and doesn’t fully fade until around the eight year mark (Chong & Fraley, 2026). Stay friends while you still feel drawn to them and you risk lengthening a healing process that already takes longer than you’d like.

Those who wanted to stay friends for practical or civility reasons were also more likely to have the friendship end in the future (Griffith et al., 2017). While your “we can still be friends” is a well-intentioned attempt maintaining civility, your ex-partner may not read it that way. They may see it as a reason for hope, “if there really wasn’t a chance at getting back together, they wouldn’t want to stay friends.” In other words, staying friends feels a lot like “let’s stay in reach.” That’s a holding pattern that leaves the door cracked for a return. Even if you’ve said there’s no chance at getting back together, people will read your behaviors as your true intentions.

The fact is, you have other friends who are truly friends without romantic ulterior motives. Instead of giving someone false hope, remember that closure is kindness.
Give them the “gift of goodbye” with a clear break that lets them get started on finding their person, no strings attached.

But the research on staying friends wasn’t all bad news. 
If participants kept the relationship intact for security or practical reasons, they had more positive outcomes, feeling more secure and experiencing more positive feelings (Griffith et al., 2017).


The Default Is Distance. The Exception Is Narrow.
Let’s be crystal clear here about the answer to “should we stay friends?”

In most cases, the answer is “no.”

Continued contact is the problem, not the solution. A clean break is easier to hold and faster to recover from than “a little” access you have to keep renegotiating with yourself.


If you’re the one holding on to hope that staying friends will help you get back together, there are two things you want to consider:

First, the desire keeping you in the friendship is often built on a mental image you have of your ex-partner, that doesn’t actually exist.
What you miss, you likely never really had.
What you miss, is the sanitized positive version of who you wished they were. Memory inflates the good parts and edits out the reasons it ended, so you’re keeping the friendship for future potential access to a person and relationship that is a fantasy.

Second, wanting to stay friends often isn’t about your ex-partner at all. Instead, we like to hold onto exes “just in case.” What if you can’t find anyone else, or anyone better. That thought tells you more about your sense of scarcity than it does about your ex and their quality as a partner.


Can staying friends work? Yes, but rarely. 
The security and practical friendships are the exception, not the most likely pathway to success. If the connection for both of you is genuinely low spark, no lingering want, no hope you’re feeding, and it gives you real support or handles something practical you actually share, like a child or a co-owned thing, it can work. Everywhere else, non-friends/no contact wins.

You know you need a clean break. But pulling it off, the right way, feels impossible. Below I give you the exact words to send, each tailored to the unique situation based on where you and your ex actually stand. Plus, I give the one rule that keeps all three from unraveling the second they reply.


Who’s More Likely to Want to Stay Friends?
Although it’s not the best idea, overall, the research shows a majority of participants (59% in Study 1 and 65% in Study 2) remained friends with ex-partners (Griffith et al., 2017).

However, some people were more likely to want to stay friends than others. 

Men in Study 1 were more likely than women (though Study 2 found no difference). 
Personality mattered too: those who were less extroverted and more agreeable wanted to stay friends. Individuals with more avoidant attachment (uncomfortable with closeness) and less anxious attachment (strong desire for closeness) were also more likely to remain friends. 
Finally, LGBTQ individuals had more current and lifetime friendships with former partners than heterosexual participants.


How To Handle This
When the romantic side of a relationship doesn’t work out, salvaging a friendship feels like common sense. Lots of people do it. The reasons you want to stay friends matter. If it’s because you still have feelings, the friendship creates more problems than it solves.

Before you decide, answer one question: 
What do you want more: 
A fulfilling, committed relationship, or this specific person?

Only the first guarantees what you’re actually after.

 
If the friendship served the relationship you want, it would have worked out.

If staying friends is a way to hold onto something that already hasn’t worked, it’s likely costing you the very thing you say you want.





Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.





terça-feira, 12 de novembro de 2024

D.H. Lawrence Quotes

 




“Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say ‘shit!’ in front of a lady.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover


“We are so overwhelmed with quantities of books, that we hardly realize any more that a book can be valuable, valuable like a jewel, or a lovely picture, into which you can look deeper and deeper and get a more profound experience very time. It is far, far better to read one book six times, at intervals, than to read six several books.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Apocalypse


“In the short summer night she learned so much. She would have thought a woman would have died of shame... She felt, now, she had come to the real bedrock of her nature, and was essentially shameless. She was her sensual self, naked an unashamed. She felt a triumph, almost a vainglory. So! That was how it was! That was life! That was how onself really was! There was nothing left to disguise or be ashamed of. She shared her ultimate nakedness with a man, another being.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover


“Men are free when they are obeying some deep, inward voice of religious belief. Obeying from within. Men are free when they belong to a living, organic, believing community, active in fulfilling some unfulfilled, perhaps unrealized purpose. Not when they are escaping to some wild west. The most unfree souls go west, and shout of freedom.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Studies in Classic American Literature


“But having more freedom she only became more profoundly aware of the big want. She wanted so many things. She wanted to read great, beautiful books, and be rich with them; she wanted to see beautiful things, and have the joy of them for ever; she wanted to know big, free people; and there remained always the want she could put no name to?

It was so difficult. There were so many things, so much to meet and surpass. And one never knew where one was going.”

― D.H. Lawrence, The Rainbow


“Night, in which everything was lost, went reaching out, beyond stars and sun. Stars and sun, a few bright grains, went spiraling round for terror, and holding each other in embrace, there in a darkness that outpassed them all, and left them tiny and daunted. So much, and himself, infinitesimal, at the core of nothingness, and yet not nothing.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers


“They wanted genuine intimacy, but they could not get even normally near to anyone, because they scorned to take the first steps, they scorned the triviality which forms common human intercourse.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers


“So as long as you can forget your body you are happy and the moment you begin to be aware of your body, you are wretched. So if civilization is any good, it has to help us forget our bodies, and then time passes happily without our knowing it. Help us get rid of our bodies altogether.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover


“Yes, I do believe in something. I believe in being warm-hearted. I believe especially in being warm-hearted in love, in fucking with a warm heart. I believe if men could fuck with warm hearts, and the women take it warm-heartedly, everything would come all right. It's all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy.”

― D.H. Lawrence


“You're always begging things to love you," he said, "as if you were a beggar for love. Even the flowers, you have to fawn on them--”

― D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers


“I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections. And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill. I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self, and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help and patience, and a certain difficult repentance, long difficult repentance, realization of life’s mistake, and the freeing oneself from the endless repetition of the mistake which mankind at large has chosen to sanctify.”

― D.H. Lawrence


“Always this same morbid interest in other people and their doings, their privacies, their dirty linen, always this air of alertness for personal happenings, personalities, personalities, personalities. Always this subtle criticism and appraisal of other people, this analysis of other people’s motives. If anatomy presupposes a corpse, then psychology presupposes a world of corpses. Personalities, which means personal criticism and analysis, presuppose a whole world laboratory of human psyches waiting to be vivisected. If you cut a thing up, of course it will smell. Hence, nothing raises such an infernal stink, at last, as human psychology.”

― D.H Lawrence


“If you could only tell them that living and spending isn't the same thing! But it's no good. If only they were educated to live instead of earn and spend, they could manage very happily...”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover


“As we all know, too much of any divine thing is destruction”

― D.H. Lawrence


“What man most passionately wants is his living wholeness and his living unison, not his own isolate salvation of his "soul." Man wants his physical fulfillment first and foremost, since now, once and once only, he is in the flesh and potent. For man, the vast marvel is to be alive. For man, as for flower and beast and bird, the supreme triumph is to be most vividly, most perfectly alive. Whatever the unborn and the dead may know, they cannot know the beauty, the marvel of being alive in the flesh. The dead may look after the afterwards. But the magnificent here and now of life in the flesh is ours, and ours alone, and ours only for a time. We ought to dance with rapture that we should be alive and in the flesh, and part of the living, incarnate cosmos. I am part of the sun as my eye is part of me. That I am part of the earth my feet know perfectly, and my blood is part of the sea. My soul knows that I am part of the human race, my soul is an organic part of the great human soul, as my spirit is part of my nation. In my own very self, I am part of my family. There is nothing of me that is alone and absolute except my mind, and we shall find that the mind has no existence by itself, it is only the glitter of the sun on the surface of the waters.”

― D.H. Lawrence


“You're spending your life without renewing it. You've got to be amused, properly healthily amused. You're spending your vitality without making any. Can't go on you know. Depression! Avoid depression!”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover


“There's lots of good fish in the sea...maybe...but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover


“No form of love is wrong, so long as it is love, and you yourself honour what you are doing. Love has an extraordinary variety of forms! And that is all there is in life, it seems to me. But I grant you, if you deny the variety of love you deny love altogether. If you try to specialize love into one set of accepted feelings, you wound the very soul of love. Love must be multi-form, else it is just tyranny, just death”

― D. H. Lawrence


“Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to seek for it.”

― D.H. Lawrence


“Obscenity only comes in when the mind despises and fears the body, and the body hates and resists the mind.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover


“And that is how we are. By strength of will we cut off our inner intuitive knowledge from admitted consciousness. This causes a state of dread, or apprehension, which makes the blow ten times worse when it does fall.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover


“Human love, human trust, are always perilous, because they break down. The greater the love, the greater the trust, and the greater the peril, the greater the disaster. Because to place absolute trust on another human being is in itself a disaster, both ways, since each human being is a ship that must sail its own course, even if it go in company with another ship.... And yet, love is the greatest thing between human beings.”

― D H Lawrence


“When the emotional soul receives a wounding shock, the soul seems to recover as the body recovers. But this is only in appearance. Slowly, slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt, like a bruise, which only slowly deepens its terrible ache, till it fills all the psyche. And when we think we have recovered and forgotten, it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst.”

― D.H. Lawrence


“Sleep is still most perfect, in spite of hygienists, when it is shared with a beloved. The warmth, the security and peace of soul, the utter comfort from the touch of the other, knits the sleep, so that it takes the body and soul completely in its healing.”

― D.H. Lawrence, Sons and Lovers


“Oh, what a catastrophe, what a maiming of love when it was made personal, merely personal feeling. This is what is the matter with us: we are bleeding at the roots because we are cut off from the earth and sun and stars. Love has become a grinning mockery because, poor blossom, we plucked it from its stem on the Tree of Life and expected it to keep on blooming in our civilized vase on the table.”

― D.H. Lawrence


“The world is supposed to be full of possibilities, but they narrow down to pretty few in most personal experience. There's lots of good fish in the sea... maybe... but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea.”

― D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover


“Sex and a cocktail: they both lasted about as long, had the same effect, and amounted to the same thing.” 

― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover





segunda-feira, 24 de junho de 2024

Why You Probably Feel Distant from Your Father


Ketut Subiyanto






There is a truth about african fathers that goes unnoticed or unaddressed for years. 
An unspoken truth. 
You may be experiencing this unspoken truth—a tension between you and your father, but you are unsure about what you feel or why you feel that way.

It is weird because your father has always lived with you, provided for you, and may not have done anything to make you mad or sad. But you still feel, well, distant from him. 
As a son who grew up with African parents in a humble home in Canada, this has been my reality for many years (24 to be exact) and I am sure many people can relate.

After 24 years of living with my father, I still don’t know who he is.
It is not that he wasn’t there for me. Far from that! I saw him every day, doing his duties of providing for my mother and my two sisters. Yet, there has always been a wall between us. For me, it’s almost a burden to go to him for help or get that fatherly moment I always yearned for.

African fathers, more than others, have been known for being emotionally distant from their children. If you too feel this way, here are probably the reasons why:

He Thinks Providing Food, Shelter and Clothing is Enough

These are the basic duties of any parent. My father always made sure food, shelter, and clothing were provided and I will always be thankful for that. However, the truth is that children need so much more from their fathers, including quality time, and emotional connection in order to be fully functional in society. If you did not have this with your dad, it is quite typical to disconnect from him as you grow older.

Your Father May Not Know How To Express His Emotions Properly

Have you ever said “I love you, Dad” to your father? Was his response something along the lines of “Okay” or “Yes”? A lot of children can relate to their father finding it incredibly hard to utter the words – I love you.

Humans love it when their emotions are reciprocated.If you expressed heartfelt emotions to your father and those emotions were left unanswered (it’s similar to your crush not liking you back), it is of no surprise that you would feel distant from him. It is the same if you have never heard your father say those words to you.

You are Scared of Telling Him About your Failures 

Growing up as a kid, the two days I dreaded the most were the days I brought home my report card and parent-teacher nights. I knew there would be consequences in the form of yelling or lashes for my grades (no matter how hard I was trying in school) or for any bad remarks from my teacher.

Not only that. Anything considered bad, according to certain societal standards (even though it may not necessarily be bad), would have the same consequences. People with tattoos or male ear piercings will probably relate better with this. Children experiment with life all the time; it is how we live and learn. Stifling their creativity or punishing them for every little thing is one sure way to create that distance between you both.

Your Father Genuinely Has Little Time to Spend with You

First-generation immigrant parents may typically have this issue. In order to provide for themselves and the family, they have to get multiple jobs. This makes it hard for them to spend quality time with their children. This is the main reason I felt so distant from my father, and I am sure a lot of people can relate to this.

He Is Too Caught Up with Who you Should Be, Rather than Who You Are

The expectations our fathers put on us can sometimes be unbearable. Growing up, many children could relate to their parents bragging to others about what a fine doctor, engineer, or lawyer they would be in the future. For many who are not doctors or lawyers now, they can almost see the disappointment in their parent’s faces.

The truth is that life comes at us hard and things do not always go as planned. That feeling of disappointment parents express towards their children greatly affects their self-worth. The guilt of not living up to your father’s expectations could be the reason you feel distant from him, especially if all you wanted to do was make him proud.

He May Think It is Your Mother’s Duty to Nurse You Emotionally

Sometimes, outdated beliefs can be the cause of why you feel so distant from your father. In most African traditions, it is believed that the mother typically takes the role of nursing the child and as such, should be responsible for connecting with them emotionally. If your father still holds dear this age-old belief, chances are that he will be disconnected from you emotionally.

He still Treats You like a Child Even Though You Are An Adult

Being talked to like a child, when you are an adult, is not a pleasant experience for anyone. Unfortunately, this has been a common occurrence between many fathers and their children. The most common situation is when the child is of a certain age and is not yet married or does not have a professional career. This type of treatment may make you feel unheard and disrespected and may create a communication gap between yourself and your dad.





If you have experienced or are experiencing any of these, do not give up on your attempt to reconnect with your father. The first step to take is expressing your feelings to him, no matter how hard it is. It will take time to do away with old habits and develop the relationship you want with him but patience pays off. Sometimes, they are genuinely unaware of how they make you feel, and taking the initiative to tell them can resolve most issues.

I can happily say that communicating the reasons I felt distant from my father was the best thing I did to save my relationship with him. It lifted a huge burden and that awkward tension off my shoulders. We have since become closer than ever!

If you are a father, you should also make a conscious effort to build a better relationship with your children. Providing for their needs is important, but bonding with them on all levels is more important.

  1. How is your current relationship with your father? 
  2. As a father, do you have a solid relationship with your child?




Kwame Adjei




sábado, 22 de junho de 2024

The joy of being animal

 

Jenny Marvin


Human exceptionalism is dead: 
for the sake of 
our own happiness and the planet 
we should embrace 
our true animal nature.



When I visited my grandmother at the undertakers, an hour or so before her funeral, I was struck by how different death is from sleep. A sleeping individual shimmers with fractional movements. The dead seem to rest in paused animation, so still they look smaller than in life. It’s almost impossible not to feel as if something very like the soul is no longer present. Yet my grandmother had also died with Alzheimer’s. Even in life, something of who she was had begun to abandon her. And I wondered, as her memories vanished, had she become a little less herself, a little less human?

These end-of-life stages prick our imaginations. They confront us with some unsettling ideas. We don’t like to face the possibility that irreversible biological processes in our bodies can snuff out the stunning light of our individual experience. We prefer to deny our bodies altogether, and push away the dark tendrils of a living world we fear. The trouble for us is that this story – that we aren’t really our bodies but some special, separate ‘thing’ – has made a muddle of reality. 

Problems flow from the notion that we’re split between a superior human half and the inferior, mortal body of an animal. In short, we’ve come to believe that our bodies and their feelings are a lesser kind of existence. 
But what if we’re wrong? 
What if all parts of us, including our minds, are deeply biological, and our physical experiences are far more meaningful and richer than we’ve been willing to accept?

As far as we know, early hunter-gatherer animist societies saw spirit everywhere. 
All life possessed a special, non-physical essence. 
In European classical thought, many also believed that every living thing had a soul. 
But souls were graded. Humans were thought to have a superior soul within a hierarchy. 
By the time of theologians such as the Italian Dominican friar and philosopher Thomas Aquinas, in the 13th century, this soulful view of life had retreated, leaving humans the only creature still in possession of an immortal one. 

As beings with a unique soul, we were more than mere animals. Our lives were set on a path to salvation. Life was now a great chain of being, with only the angels and God above us.

But, as the Middle Ages came to a close in the 16th century, a fresh, apparently rational form of exceptionalism began to spread. The origins for this shift lie in the thinking of René Descartes, who gave the world a new version of dualism. 
Descartes argued that thought is so different from the physical, machine-like substance of the body that we should see humans as having two parts: the thoughtful mind and the thoughtless, physical body. 
This was religion refocused through a rational lens. 
 
The division between humans and the rest of nature was no longer the soul – or, at least, not only the soul – but rather our intellectual capabilities: our reason, our moral sensibilities, our gifts for abstraction. He assumed, of course, that other animals don’t think.

Enlightenment figures such as John Locke and Immanuel Kant in the 17th and 18th centuries developed this further. According to them, it was the fruits of our intelligence that made us truly human. Through mental powers, humans live more meaningfully than other beings. In other words, we humans have a soulful mind. It was even suggested that we are our thoughts, and that these phantasmal mental aspects of humans are more important and even, daringly, separable from the impoverished biology that we share with other animals.

In many ways, Darwinism posed a threat to this intensifying vision of the human and our place in nature. Charles Darwin disrupted both the idea of a neat divide between humans and other forms of life, and also complicated the possibilities for mind-body dualism. If humans had evolved from earlier, ancestral primates, then our minds, too, must have emerged through ordinary, evolutionary processes with deep roots in nature. It’s easy to forget today just how shattering Darwinism was for a whole generation. Darwin himself wrote to his friend, the American botanist Asa Gray, to express his acute fear of seeing humans as a fully integrated part of a seemingly amoral natural world, where there’s ‘too much misery’. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised, then, to find the redoubling of efforts to assert new forms of human redemption in the years after publication of On the Origin of Species (1859).

One such effort came in the form of the ‘human revolution’ – the idea that some kind of cognitive leap took place in the recent evolution of Homo sapiens that forever split us from other species. Another was in the 20th-century reworking of Enlightenment humanism that sought to find scientific proofs of human exception, and to argue that only these ultimately matter. Modern humanism promised to be about the ‘complete realisation of human personality’ in an onward march ‘to move farther into space and perhaps inhabit other planets’. The history of global philosophy on humans and other animals might be mischievously summarised as a long study in mental bias.

Today, our thinking has shifted along with scientific evidence, incorporating the genetic insights of the past century. 
We now know we’re animals, related to all other life on our planet. 
We’ve also learned much about cognition, including the uneasy separation between instinct and intention, and the investment of the whole body in thought and action. 
As such, we might expect attitudes to have changed. But that isn’t the case. 
  1. We still live with the belief that humans, in some essential way, aren’t really animals. 
  2. We still cling to the possibility that there’s something extrabiological that delivers us from the troubling state of being an organism trapped by flesh and death. 

In the words of the philosopher Derek Parfit, 
‘the body below the neck is not an essential part of us.’ 

Many of us still deny that human actions are the result of our animal being, instead maintaining that they’re the manifestation of reason. We think our world into being. And that’s sometimes true. 
The trouble comes when we think our thoughts are our being.

There are real-world consequences to these ideas. 
Having a humanlike mind has become a moral dividing line. 

In our courts, we determine what we can and can’t do to other sentient beings on the basis of the absence of a mind with features like ours. 
Those things that look too disturbingly body-centred, like impulse or agency, regardless of their outcomes or role in flourishing, are viewed as lower down on the moral scale. 
Meanwhile, the view that physical, animal properties (many of which we share with other species) have little significance has left us with the absurd idea that we can live without our bodies. 

So it is that we pursue biological enhancement in search of the true essence of our humanity. 
Some of the world’s largest biotech companies are developing not only artificial forms of intelligence but brain-machine interfaces in the hope that we might one day achieve superintelligence or even mental immortality by downloading our minds into a synthetic form. 
It follows that our bodies, our flesh and our feelings – from laughing with our friends to listening to music to cuddling our children – can be seen as a threat to this paradigm.


Why is this animal-denialism so entrenched in the human psyche, across cultures and millennia of time? 
The orthodox (if, still, speculative) story from evolutionary biology, as suggested by figures such as the American zoologist Richard Alexander in the 1970s, is that our subjective, imaginative mind has its origins in a bundle of adaptations for social cognition. As primates who lived in groups, our ancestors needed one another to survive; yet their social environment was also competitive, making the need patchy enough to empower the kind of cognition that gives us our sense of ‘me’. 
Add to that the need to gather insight into our own motivations and those of others, and to incorporate a rich, layered memory of experience, and we’re left with a staggering attention to internal states and external stimuli – the exact flavour of which consciousness researchers endlessly battle about. 
These many biological routes to attention gift us our selfhood.

Unfortunately for us, this self-salience has left us with the bizarre sensation that who we really are is some kind of floating mind, our identity a kind of thinking, or rather, a thinking about thinking, rather than the whole feeling, sensing, sometimes instinctual colony of cells that makes up the entire unit of our animal being. 

Our selfhood gives rise to the sensation that we’re a thing trapped inside a body. 
And we can speculate that several things flow from this. 
We have a heightened awareness of the threats we face as animals – not least an awareness that we’ll die one day. 

As W B Yeats put it in his poem ‘Sailing to Byzantium’ (1928), 
we are ‘fastened to a dying animal’. 
And, because we feel as if we’re somehow more than our bodies, we’re reassured that we can escape the frightening limits of our flesh. 

In other words, 
our sensation of mental distinctiveness becomes our hope for salvation.

But humans don’t only have selfhood – we also have insight into other selves. 
By making sound judgments about the internal states of others and communicating as we do, we have an extraordinary network of exchanges available to us. 
When the pathogen SARS-CoV-2 hit our societies causing havoc and heartbreak, we nonetheless had systems of communication, healthcare infrastructure, and methods for understanding the virus that would be impossible without the biological mechanisms that encourage us to work together for shared benefit. 

One of the glues of our cooperation is our ability to think into and make judgments about each other’s minds, experiences and intentions.


There’s still more evidence for the adaptive nature of cooperation in something we’ve come to call ‘social buffering’. 
This is the way that measurable stress can be reduced by proximity to a member of our community. Closeness and good relationships affect our wellbeing, modulating the release of stress hormones such as cortisol that can suppress our immune systems. 

A hug, the holding of a partner’s hands during a tough situation, access to our group in times of stress – all these create measurable effects on our health, and improve our ability to cope with the knocks of life. These benefits accumulate across a lifetime and have been found elsewhere among group-living animals, especially mammals.

But it’s a little more complicated for an animal like us. 
We use ideas to bring about the kinds of buffering responses created by our relationships. 
Where other social animals gain support by physical proximity to a relative or group-member, humans gain this through psychological proximity as well. 

In other words, the ideas that bring us together have physical consequences. This buffering is active for any worldview or ideology that facilitates group-belonging – and that might be something as innocuous as a local football team.

But there’s a little twist in this tale.

Evidence shows that social buffering often involves ranking the minds and skills of our own group (including the largest set, the Homo sapiens) as higher than those of others. 

Research by the Dutch psychologist Carsten De Dreu has revealed how some of the beliefs about the superior mental content of our own groups affect oxytocin, reinforcing our bonds with each other and increasing our commitment to the thoughts and feelings of our compatriots. 

Elsewhere, the work of the Italian psychologist Jeroen Vaes has demonstrated how fears and dangers prompt people to renew their group bonds, and this includes seeing group members as more human than those outside the group (with ‘more human’ measured as individuals with higher intelligence and greater signals of secondary emotions such as empathy or pride). 

In other words, we see the minds of our own group as superior to the minds of those on the outside, and when we want to reinforce that – especially, if we feel under threat – we increase our beliefs in the superior judgment of our own centre of belonging, and can denigrate anyone or anything that contradicts this. While that ‘group’ is often the culture or ideology with which we identify, for humans that group can also simply be us.

Intriguingly, recent studies have shown that the idea that we’re not really animals – and especially the idea that humans are hierarchically superior forms of life – is one of those profoundly reassuring ideas that we favour. 

Nour Kteily, a researcher at Northwestern University in Illinois, studies the ways that groups of people interact. He has developed the ‘ascent of man measure’, which exploits the progressive idea of humans rising to the top of a biological hierarchy. What he found is that stress or the presence of threats can prime us to favour human uniqueness. 
This generates a curious paradox, of course, if we view being animal as a threat in and of itself.

So why does this matter now? 
Nobody is denying that humans are exceptional. 
The concept of human uniqueness is only a problem when we deny the beauty and necessity both of our animal lives and the lives of other animals. 

No matter whether our origin stories tell us we’re possessors of spiritual properties or our courts tell us we’re ‘persons’ with dignity, we privilege the transcendent over the physical. The root word for ‘exception’ is the Latin excipere, which means ‘to take out’. 
 
We have always longed to be saved, to be ‘taken out’ from what we dislike or fear of our animal condition. But the pursuit of escape becomes more serious once we have powerful technologies to engineer and exploit biology.

These days, there is substantial investment in different technical routes to escape the limits or dangers of being animal, whether through DNA repair or stem-cell treatments or the transfer of more and more of ourselves to synthetic or machine forms. 
Google, Amazon and Elon Musk’s Neuralink are just three of the major corporations working in some of these areas. 
These are all part of a general trend to control and technologise more and more of our animal life. 
But, in seeking ways to enhance ourselves, people rarely acknowledge what we’d be leaving behind. 

As we start to use these new powers, it’s imperative that we dwell on what we stand to lose. 
The point here is not to argue that we ought to act as animals but rather that we are animals, and that a huge amount of the quality of our experience lies in a fully embodied animal life.

Some of the most important stages of life happen in the womb and in the early bonds with our carers in the weeks and months after birth. And the quality of those bonds and the wellbeing of our mothers can have lasting effects on us and the people we come to be. 

As the Israeli psychologist Ruth Feldman has written: 
‘Later attachments … repurpose the basic machinery established by the mother-offspring bond during early “sensitive periods”.’ 

These crucial years in human development involve crosstalk between hormones, environment and touch that influence how the baby’s neural networks are organised. 
The central nervous system, the resilience to stress, all bear the marks of the early, deeply embodied years of our lives. 
When a parent and child embrace, the effects are staggering, regulating body temperature, heart rate and respiration. 

People in a temporary alliance, whether queer or straight, old or young, conservative or liberal, synch in ways that are measurable, from hormonal shifts to oscillations of the gamma and alpha rhythms of our brains, and these nourishing alliances reservice those first intimate, mammalian bonds.

Far from being solely the product of our brains and self-direction, then, humans are intimately affected by their whole physical being and its environment. 
Some devastating evidence for this comes from the children of Romania’s orphanages, who were abandoned with little physical or sensory affection by the cruelties and excesses of the country’s leader Nicolae Ceaușescu’s regime. This neglect left them with lifelong struggles, extending to language delays and visual-spatial disruption. 

These are painful reminders that our ability to flourish and express ourselves is profoundly influenced by the way our bodies are treated and valued in the earliest stages of our lifecycle.

And that should matter to those who seek ways to define what’s important about human life. 
There’s the exciting possibility to some in the research and business community that we might soon exploit new biotechnologies such as the CRISPR gene and genome-editing tool, or have access to a kind of embryo ‘agriculture’ through frontier reproductive tools such as in-vitro gametogenesis (a technology that enables the switch from something like a skin cell into a stem cell), and thereby select the most disease-resistant or intelligence-scored embryos as our children. 

It’s of note, however, that the pursuit of this would disrupt and industrialise human life from its inception. In other words, we wouldn’t make our babies through sex, and nurturing might be done by engineering rather than by love and touch.

In less dramatic disruptions, we’re increasingly turning over our lives to our smartphones, with little attention paid to how our whole bodies influence who we become and how we thrive. 

The fact that children learn better through physical movement and gesture, including language acquisition, is ignored by those who want to operationalise teaching online. The research community is troublingly divided on how time online affects our mental and physical wellbeing. Studies from equally reputable sources announce that social media doesn’t affect mental health at the same time as another provides convincing evidence that it does. 
But a little common sense is useful here. 

What we can say for sure is that time online crowds out time spent in physical contact with others and in contact with the physical world. Only a belief that our animal lives are somehow less important than our mental lives can allow us to minimise what that reduction of our physical experience might mean.

And this is to say nothing of what our denigration of being animal means for the other animals. 
We have spent thousands of years arguing that we’re the moral overlords of our world. 
That’s looking harder to justify now that we’re the agents of extinction and pollution. 
For centuries, we have tamped down these contradictions. 
But it’s no longer possible to ignore the long shadow we cast. 
Mammal sizes have been shrinking on our watch, and are now the smallest they’ve been since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Our planet’s biomass of mammals now breaks down into a mere 4 per cent wild species, around 30 per cent humans, and the rest are animals we produce for food.

Of course, as we explore our animal being, we’re confronted by the inconvenient possibility that these animals that are disappearing have worlds of experience that ought to press on our moral circuitry far harder than we’ve allowed up to now. 
Life on Earth is full of diverse forms of intelligence and purpose. 
We’re only at the beginning of scientific discoveries about the way memory and intentions grip animal bodies from tip to claw. Eventually, we’re going to have to reckon with the true complexity of the other lives that surround us. 
The more we learn about other animals, the more we recognise other experiences that ought to matter if, by this logic, our own do.

It might well be in the rallying of our own bodily resources that our greatest opportunities lie. 
When we reconsider all that we gain by being animals, we’re confronted by some powerful resources for positive change. 

Just think of the gobsmacking beauty of bonding. 
If you have a dog beside you as you read this, bend down, look into her eyes, and stroke her. Via the hypothalamus inside your body, oxytocin will get to work, and dopamine – organic chemicals implicated in animal bonding – and, before you know it, you’ll be feeling good, even in the dark times of a pandemic. And, as it happens, so will your dog, who will experience a similar physical response to the bond between you both. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus of all mammals. 

In other words, our bodies might well be our best and most effective tool in the effort to strike a new balance between humans and the rest of the living world. 

If we can tip ourselves more into a bonding frame of mind, we might find it easier to recognise the beauty and intelligence that we’re hellbent on destroying. 
By accepting that we’re animals too, we create the opportunity to think about how we might play to the strengths of our evolutionary legacies in ways that we all stand to gain from. 
If we can build a better relationship with our own reality and, indeed, a better relationship with other animals, we’ll be on the road to recovery.


Melanie Challenger




quarta-feira, 10 de abril de 2024

Entender os Outros






Nós combatemos a nossa superficialidade, a nossa mesquinhez, para tentarmos chegar aos outros sem esperanças utópicas, sem uma carga de preconceitos ou de expectativas ou de arrogância, o mais desarmados possível, sem canhões, sem metralhadoras, sem armaduras de aço com dez centímetros de espessura; aproximamo-nos deles de peito aberto, na ponta dos dez dedos dos pés, em vez de estraçalhar tudo com as nossas pás de catterpillar, aceitamo-los de mente aberta, como iguais, de homem para homem, como se costuma dizer, e, contudo, nunca os percebemos, percebemos tudo ao contrário.

Mais vale ter um cérebro de tanque de guerra. 

Percebemos tudo ao contrário, antes mesmo de estarmos com eles, no momento em que antecipamos o nosso encontro com eles; percebemos tudo ao contrário quando estamos com eles; e, depois, vamos para casa e contamos a outros o nosso encontro e continuamos a perceber tudo ao contrário.

Como, com eles, acontece a mesma coisa em relação a nós, na realidade tudo é uma ilusão sem qualquer perceção, uma espantosa farsa de incompreensão. 

E, contudo, que fazer com esta coisa terrivelmente significativa que são os outros, que é esvaziada do significado que pensamos ter e que, afinal, adquire um significado lúdico; estaremos todos tão mal preparados para conseguirmos ver as ações íntimas e os objetivos secretos de cada um de nós? 

Será que devemos todos fecharmo-nos e mantermo-nos enclausurados como fazem os escritores solitários, numa cela à prova de som, evocando as pessoas através das palavras e, depois, afirmar que essas evocações estão mais próximas da realidade do que as pessoas reais que destroçamos com a nossa ignorância, dia após dia? 

Mantém-se o facto de que o compreender as pessoas não tem nada a ver com a vida. 
O não as compreender é que é a vida, não compreender as pessoas, não as compreender, não as compreender, e depois, depois de muito repensar, voltar a não as compreender. 

É assim que sabemos que estamos vivos: não compreendemos. 
Talvez o melhor fosse não ligar ao facto de nos enganarmos ou não sobre as pessoas e deixar andar. 
Se conseguirem fazer isso - estão com sorte.


Philip Roth
in, 'Pastoral Americana'





terça-feira, 26 de setembro de 2023

A verdade Sobre o Sofrimento Humano

 




A vida não é fácil para ninguém e a ignorância é a mãe de todo sofrimento que pode ser curado a partir da verdade (conhecimento).

A negação do sintoma é um obstáculo à cura;

- O que causa sofrimento é a violação dos princípios sistêmicos: pertencimento, compensação e ordem;

- Ao compartilhar segredos com os filhos, os pais violam o princípio da ordem e se enfraquecem;

- Nosso corpo capta e envia informações o tempo todo. Aprendamos a controlar nossos pensamentos e sentimentos;

- “Amadurecer é entender quais tarefas o nosso destino pede de nós e realizá-las”;

- Milagres dependem de nossa submissão, nosso rigor e nossa disciplina;

- Um sintoma é um bom mensageiro. Ele precisa ser ouvido e sua mensagem, atendida;

- Corpo de Dor é a soma da memória traumática com a reação (dispêndio de grande parte da energia vital e criativa) para evitar acessar essas memórias;

- Sendo a morte apenas uma das etapas de existência, nossa contribuição, nosso legado, positivo ou negativo, o que fizemos de bom ou prejudicial, permanece;

- Considerando o tempo sistêmico, passado e futuro se fundem num grande agora onde se manifestam memórias felizes ou traumáticas.


Através dos cinco sentidos comuns – esses que nos ensinam nas escolas – nosso corpo se comunica o tempo todo entre o concreto e o abstrato. Pensamentos e sentimentos nossos circulam como energia no ambiente e influenciam tudo e todos. Manter um ambiente aconchegante, perfumado, minimamente organizado estimula sensações positivas, bem-estar. Da mesma forma,  atentar para as mensagens sonoras, para os ruídos, músicas que promovam calma e paz na alma. 

O que precisa de mudar em nós?
A visão de sofrimento. 
De pensar no sofrimento como vítima e que a solução está numa mudança externa.
Acolher e aceitar o sofrimento com gratidão e perceber nele o movimento que cura.


Olinda Guedes
in, A verdade Sobre o Sofrimento Humano




domingo, 27 de agosto de 2023

Viver





Viver uma verdadeira experiência amorosa é um dos maiores prazeres da vida.
Gostar é sentir com a alma, mas expressar os sentimentos depende das ideias de cada um. Condicionamos o amor às nossas necessidades neuróticas e acabamos com ele.
Vivemos uma vida tentando fazer com que os outros se responsabilizem pelas nossas necessidades enquanto nós nos abandonamos irresponsavelmente. 

Queremos ser amados e não nos amamos, queremos ser compreendidos e não nos compreendemos, queremos o apoio dos outros e damos o nosso a eles. Quando nos abandonamos, queremos achar alguém que venha a preencher o buraco que nós cavamos. A insatisfação, o vazio interior se transformam na busca contínua de novos relacionamentos, cujos resultados frustrantes se repetirão. 

Cada um é o único responsável pelas suas próprias necessidades.
Só quem se ama pode encontrar em sua vida Um Amor de Verdade.


Zíbia Gasparetto




sábado, 15 de outubro de 2022

O Presente Inexistente






Nunca nos detemos no momento presente. 

Antecipamos o futuro que nos tarda, como para lhe apressar o curso; ou evocamos o passado que nos foge, como para o deter: tão imprudentes, que andamos errando nos tempos que não são nossos, e não pensamos no único que nos pertence; e tão vãos, que pensamos naqueles que não são nada, e deixamos escapar sem reflexão o único que subsiste. 

É que o presente, em geral, fere-nos. 
Escondemo-lo à nossa vista porque nos aflige; e se nos é agradável, lamentamos vê-lo fugir. Tentamos segurá-lo pelo futuro, e pensamos em dispor as coisas que não estão na nossa mão, para um tempo a que não temos garantia alguma de chegar.

Examine cada um dos seus pensamentos, e há-de encontrá-los todos ocupados no passado ou no futuro. Quase não pensamos no presente; e, se pensamos, é apenas para à luz dele dispormos o futuro. 

Nunca o presente é o nosso fim: o passado e o presente são meios, o fim é o futuro. 

Assim, nunca vivemos, mas esperamos viver; e, preparando-nos sempre para ser felizes, é inevitável que nunca o sejamos.


Blaise Pascal
in, "Pensamentos"





quinta-feira, 8 de setembro de 2022

No Meu Tempo não Era Assim

 

Luriko Yamaguchi





Ficar velho deve ser, 
presumimos, 
ficar preso a noções e ambições 
que constituíram a aposta 
do tempo da juventude. 
Mas as pessoas esquecem que, 
enquanto vão aplicando essas noções 
e ambições, outras pessoas nascem 
e se fazem homens, 
tendo do mundo uma visão diferente. 


E é a visão mais recente - até que outra mais nova ainda a venha substituir - que garante a sobrevivência espiritual e material do homem no mundo. 
Assim, aos que se não encontram em estado de vigilante disponibilidade será recusada a compreensão sempre refeita da realidade. 

É essa mesma massa humana que se torna um peso para o próprio desejo humano de progressão, que se faz obstáculo ao dinamismo natural da vida. 
Por mais argumentos que julgue encontrar, a velhice nunca tem razão. 
Não há plano de realidade, nem tipo de actividade, onde isto não seja assim. 

(…) 

O mal das sociedades que se orgulham de uma grande tradição cultural é que supõem haver encontrado a forma definitiva de resolver os problemas todos. 
Passa-lhes desapercebida a qualidade dinâmica da realidade e a exigência que esse mesmo dinamismo tem de instrumento, que da tradição apenas aproveitem aquilo que não morreu e que normalmente é muito menos do que se pensa. 

Em todos os domínios, há Velhos do Restelo, que ficam à borda de água meneando sabichonamente a cabeça e falando da loucura do mundo. 
Dizem eles: no meu tempo não era assim. 
Pois não era, senhores cadáveres. 


Herberto Helder
in,  'Em Minúsculas




sexta-feira, 2 de setembro de 2022

Felizes com o Presente





A falta de esperança, a concentração no presente é uma forma de felicidade, claro, mas não podemos ignorar tudo aquilo que a esperança nos dá. Há um sentido de crescimento na esperança. Queremos mais. Devemos é perceber se esse mais é vantajoso ou apenas um engodo ridículo. 

Há uma diferença em 
nos tornarmos melhores pessoas, 
mais sábias, ou 
termos um novo computador. 
São dois tipos de esperança, mas 
o resultado é muito diferente. 

Ser mais é radicalmente diferente de possuir mais. 
Mas para ser mais é preciso desejá-lo, não estar contente com a condição actual, ter esperança e lutar. 

Ao amar o presente e ignorar o futuro, desprezando-o, como uma ilusão, um nada, uma preocupação, um tempo em que não vivemos, paramos a evolução que depende da nossa esperança, dos nossos desejos. 

A ideia de que podemos ser felizes somente no presente e com o presente é redutora e limitada. 
Prefiro funcionar com o passado, desejar repetir, não do mesmo modo, mas na sua essência, felicidades passadas, assim como, evidentemente, espero evitar as infelicidades. 

O medo e a causa são úteis para que o caminho não seja suicida, desde que, claro, não sejam factor de paralisia nem conservadorismo nem vitimização ou miserabilismo. 
E neste sentido, a esperança é também importante. 
É o que nos faz agir e mudar, tendo também em conta que nem todas as mudanças são boas. 

As filosofias que nos tentam fazer viver presos exclusivamente ao presente, rejeito-as, mas não rejeito o presente, jamais seria tão tolo. O presente precisa de ser vivido sem medos nem nostalgias do passado nem sem preocupações nem ilusões relativas ao futuro. 

Mas não pode ser uma vivência exclusiva, 
e, creio, para uma vida boa, 
devemos saber equilibrar estes três tempos 
que constroem o nosso mundo, 
passado, presente e futuro. 
Memória, entrega e esperança. 




Afonso Cruz
in,  'Jalan Jalan'




terça-feira, 30 de agosto de 2022

Homossexualidade como autodesejo, prolongamento do Sujeito que se masturba







A paixão e o desejo sequestrados pela Biologia, pelos "géneros irreconciliáveis". 
O Outro do mesmo sexo não seria uma pessoa, mas o simples prolongamento do Sujeito que se masturba. 
É justo salientar o "para mim"...

O Esplendor da Heterossexualidade, pelo Desejo
Somos um objecto, na paixão, totalmente submissos, sem poder prever os golpes que sofremos; aí reside a grandeza, a loucura, o assombro da paixão.

Para mim, o desejo só pode ter lugar entre o masculino e o feminino, entre sexos diferentes.
O outro desejo é um autodesejo, é, para mim, como que o prolongamento da prática masturbatória do homem ou da mulher. O esplendor da paixão, a sua imensidade, o seu sofrimento, o seu inferno, reside no facto de só poder verificar-se entre géneros irreconciliáveis, o masculino e o feminino. Tanto a paixão como o desejo.

Os casais homossexuais são muito mais estáveis do que os casais heterossexuais, porque na homosexualidade há uma prática simples e cómoda do desejo. 
A prática heterossexual é ainda selvagem, é ainda a floresta do desejo.

Na prática homossexual não creio que exista esse fenómeno de posse que existe na heterossexual. 
Na prática homossexual existe uma espécie de intermutabilidade do prazer, as pessoas nunca pertencem na homossexualidade como pertencem na heterossexualidade.

É um inferno não se poder escapar ao desejo de uma pessoa, é a isso que eu chamo, quanto a mim, o esplendor da heterossexualidade.


Marguerite Duras
in, 'Mundo Exterior '




segunda-feira, 18 de julho de 2022

A Morte Não É Nada Para Nós


Nashoba




Habitua-te a pensar 
que a morte não é nada para nós, 
pois que o bem e o mal 
só existem na sensação. 


Donde se segue que um conhecimento exacto do facto de a morte não ser nada para nós permite-nos usufruir esta vida mortal, evitando que lhe atribuamos uma ideia de duração eterna e poupando-nos o pesar da imortalidade. 

Pois nada há de temível na vida para quem compreendeu nada haver de temível no facto de não viver. 
É pois, tolo quem afirma temer a morte, não porque sua vinda seja temível, mas porque é temível esperá-la.

Tolice afligir-se com a espera da morte, pois trata-se de algo que, uma vez vindo, não causa mal. 
Assim, o mais espantoso de todos os males, a morte, não é nada para nós, pois enquanto vivemos, ela não existe, e quando chega, não existimos mais.

Não há morte, então, nem para os vivos nem para os mortos, porquanto para uns não existe, e os outros não existem mais. 
Mas o vulgo, ou a teme como o pior dos males, ou a deseja como termo para os males da vida. 

O sábio não teme a morte, a vida não lhe é nenhum fardo, nem ele crê que seja um mal não mais existir. 


Assim como não é a abundância dos manjares, 
mas a sua qualidade, que nos delicia, 
assim também não é a longa duração da vida, 
mas seu encanto, que nos apraz. 


Quanto aos que aconselham os jovens a viverem bem, e os velhos a bem morrerem, são uns ingénuos, não apenas porque a vida tem encanto mesmo para os velhos, como porque o cuidado de viver bem e o de bem morrer constituem um único e mesmo cuidado.


Epicuro
in, "A Conduta na Vida"




terça-feira, 12 de julho de 2022

A felicidade não é algo que pode ser encontrado, adquirido ou causado









 A felicidade não é algo que 
pode ser encontrado, 
adquirido ou causado. 
Pode apenas ser descoberto, revelado e reconhecido. 
É o brilho do nosso próprio ser descondicionado 
no meio das experiências.

RUPERT SPIRA 
in,  "You Are The Happiness You Seek"




Procurar a felicidade na experiência objetiva, ou seja, na experiência com as coisas, com as pessoas e com os eventos, "é fundamentalmente imperfeito", ele diz.

"É cortejar a miséria".
"Alguém que vê isso claramente desiste de ter expectativas e exigências de que as pessoas e as circunstâncias sejam fonte de felicidade. Procurar a paz e a felicidade na experiência objetiva é se lançar ao fracasso e à frustração e semear as sementes dos conflitos nos relacionamentos".

A busca da felicidade na experiência objetiva é o que chamamos geralmente de prazeres. 
Há prazer nisso, naquilo, na comida, no sexo, nas compras, nos lugares, nos luxos, nos eventos, na música, no aconchego, etc. 
Parece com felicidade, mas não é felicidade, são prazeres condicionados a essas experiências objetivas. E há uma esperança generalizada de que a felicidade possa ser um conjunto cada vez maior ou mais constante de prazeres.

Thich Nhat Hanh dizia que "a gente acha que buscando prazeres vamos evitar o sofrimento. Mas isso não funciona".

Segundo Spira, precisamos aprender a ser, descondicionados, no meio das experiências. 

Para Thay, precisamos ter compreensão, compaixão e amor, pois sem isso não há felicidade.



in, dharmalog