Are some secrets okay to keep?

 

Victoria Kotlyarchuk

What are we each entitled to keep to ourselves — and when does a secret become a betrayal?

In the wake of a betrayal, people often go through three stages: 

Crisis, Meaning-making, and Vision. 

When the dust has settled on the major revelation, it is time to figure out what happened, and what it means.

Immediately following the discovery of betrayal, you might find yourself in “the crisis phase.” 

In this phase, people often become detectives, on the hunt for clues in an attempt to piece together the who, what, when, and where. 

The facts sometimes provide structure, a sketched-out shape of the situation, but they rarely bring peace.

Insight is the next stage. 

This phase is where the story of what happened gives way to the story of what it reveals—about you, the other person, and the way you relate to one another.

Meaning-making is about moving from a flat story—you cheated; you lied; you hid—to a more dimensional understanding. 

What dynamic allowed this to happen? 

This is not to excuse it, but to contextualize it, to understand it. 

Why does this matter? 

Because understanding is at the heart of rebuilding trust. 

If I cannot understand what the betrayal meant, how can I know what repair will look like, whether repair is wanted, or even possible?

Betrayal isn’t always as black and white as we may think. 

Many couples discover a challenging truth, especially in situations of ambiguity. 

There was a line between what may have felt okay to keep private and what was ultimately a hurtful secret. 

What are people allowed to keep for themselves, and when?

Is it an old friendship you don’t mention? 

A text thread? 

A separate account? 

Some are a past that may not need to be revisited. 

Others are threads that lead somewhere important.

Some secrets need to come to light while other revelations do more damage than the silence they replaced. It’s a fine line and one to cross carefully, if at all. 

Whether the betrayal is between partners, friends, or family members, before you make any big moves, listen to what the pain is trying to tell you.

Esther Perel