How Can I Forgive Myself For Not Leaving Soone

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It felt like a huge risk 

to leave and start over, 

but you did it. 

And you could have only done that 

if there was still a part of you 

in touch with your 

sense of self and self-worth.

• How can I forgive myself for throwing my thirties away like that and for not taking care of myself?

• Why did I give up on myself?

• How could I let this one person take my belief in love and joy away from me?

• How can I rebuild the trust in myself to be able to meet someone, to be vulnerable, and to take down the protective wall I built around my heart?

You ask me how to forgive yourself for not leaving sooner. 

But I wonder if forgiveness is the wrong place to begin. 

The question that comes to my mind is a different one: 

Why do people stay in situations they know are hurting them?

We often imagine that leaving is simply a matter of courage. 

If only she had more self-respect; if only she had seen the signs; if only she had been stronger. 

1. People often stay because they fear that what awaits them on the other side will be worse. 
2. They stay because they cannot yet imagine another life. 
3. They stay because they have come to believe that this is all they can expect; this is what they are worth; this is what love looks like for them. And over time, their world becomes smaller.

Sometimes the isolation is imposed by the partner: 

You are lucky I want to be with you. 

Who else would want you? 

Sometimes it is self-imposed: 

If only my family knew what my life was really like. 

If only they knew what I had gone back to. 

If only they knew how ashamed I am. 

You stop telling people. 

Then you stop seeing them. 

The relationship becomes a closed system.

Inside the closed system of your 11 year relationship, it sounds like 

both his and your distorted view of you 

began to feel like the truth. 

And then, suddenly, that was all you knew...

Esther Perel