A Man’s Ego

Dmytro Tokar

 

Mwita: “That’s because he’s a sorcerer like you! Onye”

Mwita: “How is it that I can tell and you can’t? How is it that…”

Onyesonwu: “Mwita! Finish your thoughts.”

Mwita: “I should be the sorcerer, You should be the healer. That’s how it’s always been between a man and a woman”

Onyesonwu: “Well, it’s not YOU!”

This heated exchange between Mwita and Onyesonwu in Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor reveals the tension that often exists between traditional gender expectations and individual identity. 

It also exposes how easily a man’s sense of authority can feel threatened when traditional norms are disrupted.

A Brief Backstory

Onyesonwu is a young woman with extraordinary powers who lives in a harsh, divided world where women are expected to fit into certain roles. But Onyesonwu’s strength and magical powers disrupt these norms and it challenges the people closest to her, especially Mwita, her love interest and a healer. Mwita, while compassionate and loyal, struggles with the idea that Onyesonwu’s magical gifts and role as a sorcerer are stronger and more prominent than his own. 

For him, it doesn’t feel “right” that she should possess such power while he takes a more supportive role, a reaction fueled not by logic but by his expectations of what men and women are “supposed” to be.

1. It’s no secret that men and ego often go hand in hand, but what exactly is ego? 
2. And maybe even more intriguing, what isn’t it? 
3. What fuels a man’s ego and what does it mean when we say it’s “fragile”?

What is Ego, Really?

Ego, put quite simply is basically self-image or inner belief. 

It is the way we see ourselves or what we think about who we are. 

From this, we can agree that it is not inherently negative; in fact, it’s an essential part of being human. So when we talk about “a man’s ego”, we’re basically talking about how he views himself, what he believes he’s capable of, and how he sees his role in the world. 

This sense of self and personal worth is often heavily influenced by societal expectations.

For men, ego often ties closely to cultural ideas about strength, authority, and leadership. 

Society conditions men to see themselves as providers, protectors, and decision-makers. 

This isn’t all bad, it’s been a survival mechanism for centuries. 

But it does create a kind of fragility. 

A man’s ego can feel easily shaken when his identity doesn’t match these expectations, or when someone challenges his sense of what it means to “be a man.”

Take Mwita as an example. 

He doesn’t dislike Onyesonwu’s powers, but her extraordinary powers make him question his own. 

And that’s where the discomfort comes from.

Why Do Men Feel This Pressure?

For many men, the roots of this pressure start early. 

As boys, they hear phrases like “man up,” “don’t cry,” or “be a man.” 

Words like these teach boys that vulnerability equals weakness and that a man’s worth is tied to his ability to handle things on his own.

These lessons stick. 

Over time, they build a rigid framework for what masculinity “should” look like. 

As men grow older, society reinforces these ideas. 

It praises assertiveness, strength, and emotional control while discouraging behaviors that seem too “soft” or vulnerable.

But what happens when reality doesn’t match these ideals? 

What happens when a man finds himself in a situation that challenges this framework? 

That’s when the ego feels threatened.

Mwita’s reaction to Onyesonwu reflects this. 

Her power disrupts his understanding of masculinity, and he struggles to reconcile his admiration for her with his discomfort over what it says about him.

The Trap of Double Standards

Adding to this complexity is the double standard men often face in today’s world. 

While society encourages men to feel vulnerable, empathetic, and emotional, the other side of this coin is a double standard for many people including women who want men with traditionally masculine attributes such as strength, assertiveness, and dominance. 

This disconnect creates a double standard that makes it even more challenging. 

Men are advised to “open up” and “be real,” but also expected to adhere to the strong, stoic imagery that has been the traditional view of masculinity.

There are several reasons for this double standard. 

One of them is the cultural conditioning which has already been discussed earlier, and another is that in romantic relationships, strength and dominance are often associated with attractiveness. 

These qualities appear desirable to many women because they conform to traditional ideas about security and leadership (not all women, but enough to influence societal norms). 

It’s not necessarily intentional or malicious, it’s just a byproduct of deeply rooted cultural norms.

For example, Mwita feels a deep sense of inadequacy because of Onyesonwu’s role as a sorcerer and the power that comes with it, challenges his belief that a man should naturally hold the more dominant position in their relationship. 

Onyesonwu fiercely defends her right to lead and break away from traditional female roles, but dismisses Mwita’s emotional struggles, labeling them as nothing more than his ego getting in the way. This creates a bit of a double standard. While Onyesonwu demands for understanding and acceptance as she deviates from societal norms, she struggles to extend the same empathy to Mwita as he tries to make sense of his own identity in a world that imposes limits on him, too.

The conflict: 

1. If men show vulnerability and emotional openness, they’ll be considered weak, indecisive, or not “manly”. 
2. If they embrace traditional qualities such as strength and dominance, they risk being accused of toxic masculinity or being emotionally unavailable.

This double standard is for lack of a better word, a trap for men: 

They must show enough vulnerability to come across as approachable and emotionally intelligent but not so much that they come across as weak. 

And be strong and assertive enough to help them maintain respect and desirability but not so much that they’re a toxic turn-off or controlling.

There’s no place for these emotions to live which heaps on the very problems that we’re trying to fix as a society such as men’s struggles with mental health or emotional disconnection.

Is it Justified?

Historically, the male ego has driven men to achieve, to lead, to fulfill societal roles. 

But as expectations evolve, maybe it’s time for the male ego to evolve too, into something healthier and more adaptable.

Is it fair to ask men to balance these conflicting ideals, or is the male ego an outdated reflection of traditional norms? 

Perhaps the real question isn’t whether it’s justified, but whether it can evolve into something healthier and more authentic for men today.

The concept of a “man’s ego,” with all its complexities and contradictions might be a valid product of societal norms, but it also raises the question of whether it’s time to redefine those norms.

Mohammed Elelu