Reconnect To Your Erotic Self

WE CAN GO A LONG TIME WITHOUT HAVING SEX

Plenty of people live without sex entirely, whether they are asexual, celibate by choice, grappling with trauma or physical pain, or for many other reasons. Some people prefer to have sex alone or to engage with their erotic self in other ways—through imagination, art, erotic novels, or films. There are so many ways to connect with your erotic self. Sex is just one avenue.

That said, when people come to me to talk about sexlessness, it’s typically because they really want to be having sex. They don’t understand how they fell out of practice or how the chasm between their partner’s desire and theirs grew so large, so seemingly uncrossable. They often tell me they want more sex. They always tell me they want better sex. 

WHEN YOU WANT TO WANT 

Sex goes on the back burner when we’re not in the mood, have kids around, are exhausted by work, caregiving, or both. You may want to have sex, but it simply isn’t a priority. And the more time that passes, the harder it can be to initiate, let alone address in conversation.

That silence is the perfect habitat for anxiety to grow. The confusing and/or harmful cultural, familial, and societal messaging you may have received about sex while growing up thrives in this space. Many of us are told to hide our sexual selves and our desires. A dry spell can feel like confirmation that we should. When you want it but aren’t having it—or when you want to want it and just don’t—shame will convince you: It’s an individual problem. It’s your fault. 

I'm here to tell you: It’s not.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

There is an exercise I do in my lectures that demonstrates how not alone you are. 

I ask the audience to raise their phone flashlights if, growing up, sexuality was central at home. Very few people turn their lights on. Those who do, I’m told, turn their light on because they received adequate sex education from their parents or observed their public displays of affection.

I then ask the same question in a different way: 

“Turn your flashlight on if sexuality in your family was hidden or hinted at.” 

Many more lights come on and I tell them to keep them on.

Then I say, “Turn your light on if sexuality was violated, misused, or abused.”

And finally, “Turn your light on if there was infidelity.”

Slowly at first and then all at once, we find ourselves in a sea of lights, each one representing what we all usually carry alone in our internal darkness. Sexuality is always more central than we acknowledge, and the messaging we learned about sex growing up tends to show up in our sex lives later on. No wonder sex—and a lack of it—can be so hard to talk about.

RECONNECT TO DESIRE

Inside of your sexual preferences lie your deepest emotional needs. That’s a lot to process by yourself and can be even harder to do with a partner. But I believe if you want to have fulfilling, pleasurable, and satisfying sex, the work of understanding yourself, your desires, and what you bring to the experience is essential.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

A sexual rut can show up in many ways. Which one resonates for you?

• You haven’t had sex in a long time.

• Sex has become the elephant in the room that you avoid.

• You’ve talked about sex many times, but nothing changes.

• You don’t feel desirable.

• Whenever you think about sex, it conjures painful memories and negative associations.

• You have little-to-no sexual interest in your partner, or you feel rejected by them.

• You’re caught in the dance of distancer and pursuer, where one of you is always seeking sex and the other is always shutting it down.

• You wonder, “Why even try?” because your attempts to reconnect erotically have failed.

Take a few moments now to reflect on these scenarios. 

Know that they are both common and impermanent. 

Esther Perel