Signs of a Lone Wolf Personality

Bob Elsdale

8 Signs of the Lone Wolf Personality 

(and Your Gifts)

1. You’re a solitary person who loves being alone

Your gift is the ability to listen to your inner self and develop greater self-awareness.

In pretty much every situation, you opt to be alone. Even in close relationships, you need a lot of solitary time and space to yourself to maintain your sanity.

Spending time by yourself makes you feel calm, connected to your deeper nature, and paradoxically more connected with life. On the other hand, too much time around others causes you to feel tense, overwhelmed, and burned out. 

By spending a lot of time by yourself, you develop a greater sense of self-awareness than the socialites around you because you have space to listen and hear your inner self.

2. You’re a rebel who resists conforming to social norms

Your gift is the ability to see life from unique perspectives that can initiate change and transformation in the outer world.

As someone with a lone wolf personality, you’re naturally a rebel who stands outside of the mainstream. Long ago, you realized that following the status quo doesn’t fulfill your deeper needs or desires. And so you seek to walk your own true path.

Being a freethinker, you like to find new ways of living and being, and this gives you a unique vantage point. 

Standing on the outside looking in, you notice issues and flaws within “the way things are,” and this gives you unique and powerful perspectives that can break, shake, and awaken others from “the norm.”

3. You’re an autodidact – someone who loves to learn alone

Your gift is the ability to master unique skills and gather information that others may not know about.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines autodidact as “a person who teaches himself or herself, rather than being taught by a teacher.”

You’re someone with a thirst for learning and gathering knowledge. But the reality is that you don’t like/fit into the mainstream schooling, college, and university systems – they just feel too limiting and claustrophobic to your lone wolf personality.

The independent-minded rebel within you resists studying under a teacher or group. Why follow their narrow, established path when there are infinite possibilities around you?

You prefer to be self-taught and to learn alone, preferably with a hot beverage, in a cozy space, undisturbed. 

4. You’re independent and self-reliant

Your gift is the ability to meet your own needs and develop a strong character.

There are many ways independence and self-reliance have been pathologized in modern society (think of the “avoidant” attachment style or the “schizo” personality).

Sure, for some solitary folks, that may be the case. However, learning to be independent and meeting your own needs is also a sign of maturity. Being overly dependent on others can not only burden them (think of codependency), but it can also limit your (and their) personal power and autonomy.

If you have a lone wolf personality, you’ll enjoy breaking away from relying too much on others, systems, and institutions to meet your needs. Being self-sufficient and retaining personal freedom is of utmost importance to you.

5. You prefer quality over quantity in your relationships

Your gift is the ability to develop meaningful connections when and if you choose them.

Being in large groups of people irks you, and you particularly detest large extended family gatherings, social events, and work conferences.

Rather than trying to befriend everyone and anyone, you tend to be a reserved person who sits back and prefers observing others rather than getting overly involved.

Overall, you’re extremely picky when it comes to forming personal connections. You’re not an “open book” who tends to “wear your heart on your sleeve.” But this is because you prefer quality over quantity in your relationships.

Having just one close person in your life is way more important to you than ten acquaintances.

6. You highly prize freedom above all else

Your gift is the ability to walk a path that feels true and fulfilling.

Freedom is one of your core values, and you will do your damnedest to avoid being trapped in modern ways of being (think the consumerism cycle or the 9-5 work day).

As a free spirit, you’re drawn to ways of life that give you the freedom to do what you want, when you want, as you want. Your priority is to have freedom of mind, time, and energy.

If you find yourself in an oppressively limiting way of life (like a job you hate), you will feel more deeply disturbed by this fact than perhaps the people around you, who seem to have “accepted their lot” and continue their daily drudgery on autopilot.

You’ll fight tooth and nail to find freedom from entrapping situations. And if you’ve been worn down through years of social servitude, you’ll still retain an inner fire to find freedom somehow.

Having a lone wolf personality, you’ll feel called to unusual ways of life, like self-employment, financial freedom, sustainable ways of life, early retirement, off-the-grid living, and minimalism.

On an inner soul level, you’ll feel drawn to finding freedom from suffering through avenues like inner work, meditation, and various spiritual healing paths. You desire to heal old wounds that keep you stuck and trapped in oppressive cycles of pain.

7. You’re deep-thinking and introspective

Your gift is the ability to discover what truly matters in life and be a person with a high degree of self-knowledge.

One of the reasons you love spending time by yourself is that it gives you the opportunity to think and to be. 

There’s so much noise and stimulation in daily life that alone time gives you the ability to come back home to yourself – to discover how you feel and what you need. In a world of 24/7 connection, this is somewhat of a rarity.

The ability to introspect requires silence, stillness, and solitude, and you’ll find that you regularly crave these three qualities. When you can’t get enough of them, you may feel irritable, anxious, and disconnected from yourself and life.

8. You’re a soul searcher

Your gift is the ability to explore the unknown realms within yourself.

Having a lone wolf personality means that you stand out from the crowd and struggle to fit into society as we know it. 

Usually, this results in some kind of inner calling to go searching for something “more,” as you’ll feel a deep sense of dissatisfaction with daily life.

This spiritual calling is common to loners and solitary folks. Just look at some of the most famous spiritual figures throughout history who felt that call, like Jesus in the desert, Buddha as a wandering ascetic, and Muhammad in Mount Hira – all spent a lot of time in solitude.

Solitude is powerful (it’s one of the reasons why I co-wrote the short and simple Power of Solitude ebook), and it can reveal what our souls truly yearn for deep down.

As a lone wolf, you’ll likely be called at some point in life to be a soul searcher and spiritual wanderer.

Your preference for alone time will serve you well as you go on a quest to discover your meaning of life and True Nature. 

Lone Wolf Personality 

Positives and Negatives

There are positives and negatives to having a lone wolf personality. 

On one hand, we may refuse help when we need it, be a little too individualistic, appear unfriendly at times, and alienate others without knowing it. 

But on the other hand, we’re also deeply loyal, introspective, and free-minded people with a unique vantage point on what is and isn’t working in the current system and overculture. 

To me, the goal is to learn how to be both independent and interdependent – just as a wolf itself is both a pack creature and knows how to fend for itself alone, hence why “lone wolf” is such an intriguing paradoxical concept. 

It points to integration and accepting both sides of ourselves.

Aletheia

in, Loner Wolf

The “lone wolf” personality 

is a fascinating 

and often

 misunderstood archetype 

in psychology.

In essence, it describes an individual who is fiercely independent. This doesn’t mean they are antisocial or lack social skills; rather, they find strength and comfort in their own space, often engaging in deep thinking or pursuing personal passions with intense focus.

Lone wolves are typically self-reliant and may struggle with authority or rigid structures, thriving instead in environments where they can operate more autonomously. 

They frequently make great entrepreneurs and skilful creators. 

They are often seen as enigmatic or mysterious, not because they are deliberately secretive, but because their inner world is so rich and complex, and they choose carefully when and with whom to share it.

Contrary to popular belief, being a lone wolf doesn’t equate to loneliness or social ineptitude. These individuals can form deep and meaningful connections, but they do so on their own terms and often prefer one-on-one interactions or small, close-knit groups to large social gatherings.

For example,

the lone wolf is less likely to join a fraternity in college or be one of the highly popular kids in high school.

Don’t get me wrong; they will still be perceived as highly attractive by many people.

In fact, this personality type is frequently rated as one of the most attractive archetypes in psychology. However, it’s often through alternative means that they are perceived to be attractive. Their notable skills in self-improvement and strong levels of ambition are difficult for many to resist, even if they don’t attend every party or participate in every social club.

In a world that often celebrates extroversion and constant connectivity, the lone wolf stands apart, finding their path in quieter, more introspective ways. Their journey is one of self-discovery, independence, and often, unconventional wisdom.

The lone wolf is one of the most intelligent and powerful archetypes but also one of the most complicated.

It’s a mindset that can produce truly great people, though they often face many challenges along the path to greatness.

So, without further ado, let’s dive into the 12 signs you have a lone wolf personality.

1. The Powers of Instinct

Are you the kind of person who trusts your gut?

Most highly extroverted people just sort of go with the flow. They follow social trends, buy clothes that other people buy, and believe things because other people believe them too.

But the lone wolf is different.

If you have this personality type, you’re probably the kind of person who takes more time and comes to your conclusions. Maybe you have a unique style or very carefully considered opinions.

No matter what, you’re the kind of person who likes to think things through for yourself, not just blindly follow what everyone else wants or does. Thus, this powerful personality trait likely means you have developed a very strong instinct for the world.

2. Smelling Lies

A startling number of people in the world today lie like it’s second nature.

They lie about big things, and they lie about little things.

Often, it’s just for convenience or because they don’t want to face the truth about some problem in their life. However, we live in a society that has normalized frequent lying.

But some people have a nose for detecting these lies. It’s almost as if you can sense something is wrong with what someone is saying or even how they are saying it.

Maybe the tone of their voice changes, or they have a strange body posture. Or maybe you’re really good at putting things they have said together and finding something that doesn’t add up. Either way, if you have the ability to intuitively detect lies, you’re probably a lone wolf.

3. Guardian of Secrets

One of the most important traits of a lone wolf personality is that they are highly trustworthy and, with time, gain a reputation as such. As a result, lone wolves are often confidants for the secrets of others.

Imagine that a friend of yours is going through something particularly difficult, for example, a serious period of mental or physical health problems. For obvious reasons, they want this kept a secret, but they entrust you with the information. If people frequently put their trust in you in significant ways, whether it is personal, romantic, or professional information, you’re probably a lone wolf.

4. Logical Mastery

Lone wolf personalities are not perfect at everything. Like any other personality type we have discussed on this channel, they have strengths and weaknesses.

For example, a lone wolf might make a better entrepreneur than most, but probably not a better therapist than most. This difference reflects a common feature of true lone wolves: a natural gift for logic and strategy. If you’re the kind of person who thinks very logically, plans things carefully, and organizes things well, you’re probably a lone wolf.

5. Harbinger of Calm

Have you ever been in the middle of a dispute?

Maybe two of your friends have an issue with each other.

From their perspective, the other person has done them wrong and deserves to know it. They are emotional and upset. That’s why they are in the argument in the first place. But from your perspective, the whole thing seems kind of manufactured.

Maybe they’re arguing about something that could have easily been avoided or something completely pointless. It might be a sports debate or a political fight. Whatever the case, a lone wolf often has the ability to bring a sense of peace and stability in chaotic situations.

6. Sovereign Spirit

The lone wolf personality is famous for seeking independence and freedom above all else. They don’t want to be told what to do or when to do it. They embrace the choices in front of them as part of a larger individual story.

Thus, they savor the taste of every choice they make, whether it’s a political or culinary one. They won’t be swayed by propaganda or mass media campaigns. And they certainly won’t take part in something that they don’t believe in.

This is one of the most powerful traits of a lone wolf personality. Over the long term, they will find themselves doing what they want to do.

7. Shadowed Resilience

People with this unique personality trait often possess quiet strength, enduring great challenges in their life without seeking excessive recognition or validation.

They are willing to embrace difficulty and failure, as long as they can learn from their mistakes and become stronger as a result. If you’re the kind of person who grinds through problems big and small without complaining so often, a lone wolf is exactly who you are.

8. Wilderness Whisperer

The lone wolf often feels a deep sense of connection to the natural world, finding solace and wisdom in nature.

Do you enjoy taking walks, going on hikes, or even just breathing fresh air?

Maybe to you, these things are obviously great. But to many people, they are boring or unnecessary. A lone wolf sees the beauty in nature and feels more at peace when he or she is surrounded by green things. Trees, forests, mountains, and rivers bring you a sense of calm and connection.

9. Loyalty Over Social Gain

Some people jump at every opportunity to gain social status. They want to be one of the popular people, whether it’s a high school jock or a fraternity president. But often, this means abandoning the people in your life to try and climb the social ladder.

Lots of people are willing to do it. But the lone wolf is not. This doesn’t mean lone wolves are unambitious. In fact, they are usually some of the most ambitious and successful people. However, they won’t sacrifice the people they care about to boost their social credit. For a lone wolf, loyalty comes first.

10. Skilful Independence

Are you the kind of person who is good at doing things alone? Maybe you are an entrepreneur, or at least you have always wanted to be one. It just feels right — to be in control of your own destiny.

This is a hallmark trait of a lone wolf. You’re good at being independent and figuring things out for yourself. When it’s just you and the task ahead of you, you can buckle down and get things done.

11. A Love of Music

For some reason, the lone wolf often loves listening to music. Frequently, they can connect to the deeper elements of music. The beautiful patterns and stories within the notes of sound create a sense of wonder and inspiration.

It makes them think of their own lives — the past, present, and the future. It’s a source of energy, emotion, and a powerful force to help them get things done. Whatever music does for you, if you are a true lone wolf, it’s probably a major component of your life.

12. Thirst for Knowledge

Do you enjoy listening to podcasts or reading interesting stories about the world on the Internet?

Do you enjoy playing games and watching YouTube videos?

Whether you realize it or not, these are some of the best activities for your brain. They train you to think more critically and seek out the truth above all else. The lone wolf typically loves activities like these as they provide mental stimulation but also a sense of calm.

Aysha Ayshu

Lone wolf

They whispered that he was alone because he had to be,

that some creatures are too wild to stay,

too restless to belong.

But the wolf remembers…

the warmth of the fire,

the weight of a world that once welcomed him.

And he knows now: it wasn’t his wildness they feared,

but the way he saw through the shadows.

The wolf knows better.

The howl was never a warning,

never a call for chaos—

but a song for the lost,

a promise that no one walks alone.

So he left them in their silence,

turned his voice to the moon,

where the lonely still listen,

where the echoes do not twist—

but repeat the truth,

for those ready to hear it.

Desconhecido

In another life

 

GettyImages

In another life, I could’ve loved you.

Our rivers intertwined as they can often do,

our flows becoming one, when they were once two.

In another life, I might have met you,

but the sky’s gone all blue.

For this is not that life,

and I will never be your wife.

In another life, I would be in a white dress,

walking down an aisle to confess

my love for you.

We’d promise each other to be forever true.

But those would only be pretty lies,

and overtime, we would grow to despise.

In another life, maybe we could work it out,

maybe we could get through this drought.

The storm would finally end,

and our love would transcend,

all obstacles.

In another life, you could’ve loved me,

and I might’ve let you.

But I let you say goodbye and cried later that night,

at another life that might’ve been.

Desconhecido

Why You’re Still Stuck

GettyImages

You’ve done inner work.

You’ve read the books, watched many videos, and maybe even sat in therapy.

But why do the same painful patterns keep returning?

Why do you still feel trapped in relationships that aren’t working?

Why do you still cycle through shame, guilt, anxiety, and loneliness—when you know better?

 

Over the past 45 years, I’ve worked with thousands of adult children of narcissistic, enmeshed, emotionally immature families. And no matter how unique their story, I’ve found their struggles almost always come back to this:

They’re caught in the 3 R’s:

 

1. Recycling

You’re not changing—you’re adjusting.

You're adapting in smarter, more mature ways, but the system stays the same.

You swing the pendulum: compliance → resentment → withdrawal → return → repeat.

You think you’ve found a new pattern—but really, you’ve just landed on the opposite pole of the same dysfunctional dance.

Real change doesn’t come from flipping the script.

It comes from stepping outside the script entirely.

2. Reactivity

You get triggered.

It’s understandable—but it’s also predictable.

Your emotional responses have been patterned since childhood.

When someone criticizes you, you don't just feel annoyed—you feel powerless.

When a parent shames you, you don’t just feel hurt—you feel like a child inside.

This isn’t just about emotion—it’s about programming.

Reacting is not the same as responding.

Reactivity means your emotions are in the driver’s seat—and your true Self is nowhere to be found.

3. Relationships Aren’t Working

You want connection, but your relationships feel like roller coasters—or dead ends.

It’s not because you’re incapable of love.

It’s because your internal relationship map was written by a dysfunctional system.

You learned that closeness = compliance, love = sacrifice, connection = anxiety.

Even with good people, these patterns hijack your ability to feel safe, seen, and free.

The truth is, most of us are still living in our family’s “superself”—the unconscious emotional programming of our dysfunctional upbringing.

It shapes what we notice, what we feel, how we react, and how we show up in every relationship.

Until we learn how to detach from the superself, we’ll keep recycling the same dynamics, reacting the same way, and choosing relationships that never truly nourish us.

 

The good news is: there is a way out.

You don’t have to keep living from their script.

You can break free from the patterns that were never truly yours to begin with—

And begin living as your calm, clear, differentiated Self.

You deserve that.

You’ve always deserved that.

Stay calm and stay self-differentiated,

Jerry Wise

There is a storm that rages within you

Julie de Waroquier

Threatening to steal the very essence of life away from you.

You go into depression, lose hope and bemoan the life that you are riddled to live.

You lose yourself to mediocrity.

This is the life destiny deemed you to live, you say.

You embrace failure.

You embrace mediocrity.

Just to be part of the crowd.

Just so that the society doesn’t speak ill of you.

So much so that you forget about you.

You.

The beautiful, amazing, charming you.

The passionate, intelligent, effervescent you.

The dreams in you.

The magic in you.

The woman in you.

The one who can move mountains.

The one who can rise beyond problems and fly.

You have been caged too long.

Made to believe that you need to live a mediocre life.

Break through the cage.

Yours is the world and everything that is in it.

Break through.

Face the storm.

Spread your wings.

And fly.

The sky is all yours.

Be you.

Just you.

 

Vishnu Vardhan

Your heartbreak will get better

“One night I happened to come upon a documentary called Facing the Storm, about the buffalos in Montana. Robert Thomson of the Montana Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks discussed how buffalo run into the storm, thus minimizing how long they will be in it. They don’t ignore it, run from it, or just hope it will go away, which is what we often do when we want to avoid our storms of emotion. We don’t realize that by doing this we’re maximizing our time in the pain. The avoidance of grief will only prolong the pain of grief. Better to turn toward it and allow it to run its natural course, knowing that the pain will eventually pass, that one of these days we will find the love on the other side of pain.”

 ― David Kessler, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief

 

Do you know why heartbreak hits us as hard as it does?

I found the answer in an interview with 

the world-leading expert on grief, 

David Kessler. 

It turns out, a lot of us are carrying around “unattended grief” that affects us in ways we don’t even realize. We often don’t give ourselves the space to fully feel what we need to in order to break free.

I sat down with David Kessler, the world’s foremost expert on grief, to talk about the subject of heartbreak and how to find happiness again after we have had our heart broken.

One of the things that became eminently clear, if it wasn’t clear to me before, was that heartbreak and grief are intertwined.

DAVID KESSLER

“People always want to know from me: 

‘Which grief is the worst? Is it this kind of death? Is it a divorce where they’re still rejecting you every day on this planet? Like, what’s the worst?’ 

And I always go, 

‘Yours. Your grief is always the worst. It’s always the worst. Forget everyone else’s. It’s just you.’”

MATTHEW HUSSEY

Grief, David said, is a change you didn’t want. And what is heartbreak but a change you didn’t want? When someone leaves us, when someone betrays us, when someone decides that they no longer want us, that is a change that we did not want.

And the result we typically call “heartbreak,” but that heartbreak is a kind of grief. 

It’s a grieving over a person we have lost that we’ll likely never have back again. It’s a grieving over a future that we thought we would live out but is no longer our reality. It’s the unwelcome arrival of a reality, a new future, that we did not plan to begin today and are probably not ready to start today.

But the heartbreak I wanted to talk with David about was not simply the heartbreak of a romantic partner who had left us, but heartbreak in general that can occur in all different forms in our life—because we can be heartbroken in love, we can be heartbroken in life. 

Heartbreak is a certainty of life and we are all going to experience it.

Now, when I was talking to David, something interesting happened. 

I was speaking to David on your behalf, but he said something at the beginning of the conversation that quickly brought me into the frame in a way I never expected.

David said something that, the moment he said it, I felt my own emotions coming up:

DAVID KESSLER

“We go into comparisons in our own minds. ‘Oh, my grief, my heartbreaks are not as much as theirs, or because of this time element, all that.’ And I always tell people, when you’re in your “comparing state,” you’re in your mind. And you don’t have a broken mind, you have a broken heart. And we have to go into our heart.”

MATTHEW HUSSEY

And of course, we do this sometimes, don’t we? We may have dated someone for a month, and when that person decides they don’t want us or ghosts us or it fizzles out, we may feel heartbroken but not feel entitled to feel heartbroken in the way that someone who has been dating someone for two years and it breaks up is heartbroken, or someone who’s been in a 30-year marriage and is now going through a divorce is heartbroken. But what David said is that this is all very logical reasoning; and it’s not your mind that is broken, it’s your heart.

And when David said that, I thought of my own heartbreak. Not a heartbreak in my romantic life, but some of the great heartbreaks of my life in general. I felt myself starting to tear up, and I actually tried to carry on as if nothing was happening in the middle of this conversation. I thought, “I don’t know if David can see right now that I’m getting upset, but I’m going to keep going because I want to . . . I have lots of questions I want to ask David and I don’t want to get derailed.

But David was happy enough to derail it for me:

DAVID KESSLER

“But I also want to say, what I saw on your face—and you and I don’t know each other that well yet, hopefully—there was something that hit inside of you, and I can tell you it’s a little unattended grief. And we all live with some unattended grief. I mean, right now, that sadness in your eye, there is something there and we all have it.

MATTHEW HUSSEY

And I then had to consider,  what grief I had not attended to in my own life. And I’d love to invite you now, with me, to think about what grief, what disappointments in life, what heartbreak in your life, have you not attended to?

And why don’t we attend to these things? 

You know, why is it that my instinct was to move on from that and not sit with it with David, but to speed right past it? It’s because the pain that’s behind it is so difficult to confront.

David said to me,

 “I am the only grief expert who has studied buffalo.” 

And you may think, 

“What do buffalo have to do with grief and heartbreak?” 

He said, 

“Well, buffalo, when they sense a storm coming, they start heading toward the storm because they know that by heading toward the storm, they will be in the storm for less time. The storm will be over for them faster.” 

But what we humans do is we constantly try to stay a few feet away from the storm. 

And by doing so, we remain in this storm’s orbit indefinitely.

And we have all sorts of mechanisms for keeping the storm a few feet away. 

1. We may numb ourselves, 
2. we may move on anytime the situation gets close, 
3. we may try to avoid any potential trigger for our heartbreak anytime it comes up, 
4. we may go to an emotion that’s more comfortable for us to go to.

I know that there have been certain situations in my life—and I’m not speaking past tense, I’m not talking about five years ago, I’m talking about right now—there are certain situations in my life that have been easier for me to be angry about. And one of the things that David said that floored me was: “Anger is a bodyguard for pain. 

And so I had to explore: 

What pain is underneath that anger? 

What pain is underneath your anger? 

Maybe if you think back to a relationship, that the way it ended or the betrayal you experienced, that thing that person did to you or made you feel—that anger it brought up for you that maybe stayed around for a long time, what was underneath that anger? 

Because I know what was underneath my anger—what is underneath my anger—is sadness. 

It’s that grief.

And I feel like there have been plenty of storms I’ve headed right into very bravely, and there are other storms in my life where it’s felt too scary to get close to that emotion. 

And as David put it, we have this fear that if we start crying about something, we’ll never stop, so we avoid it altogether.

But in my life and what this conversation with David proved to me, was I want to go toward those storms, every single one of them that I have been avoiding. Because I’ve done a lot of healing with myself in the last few years and I’ve had the help of some amazing people, but I want to go further and I want to go into those storms that I’ve been ignoring or staying a few feet away from.

You may want to do the same, because the truth is none of these emotions can stick around forever if we actually head into the storm, if we act like the buffalo do, as David says. 

And allowing ourselves to feel these emotions—deeply feel them, engage with them—is a form of showing up for ourselves and tending to ourselves.

If we really feel our own sadness—the disappointment of what has happened to us in our lives—then we have an opportunity to be there for ourselves. We have an opportunity to exercise self-compassion, but we can’t exercise that compassion for things that we’re ignoring.

In order to have compassion for ourselves, we have to come to terms with the loss that we have experienced. And the loss might be something that came and went, or it might be the feeling of loss that comes with something we never had. The coming to terms with something that we never had and the pain of that—that self-compassion is a form of showing up for ourselves.

We live in a culture today that sort of demonizes the idea of feeling sorry for oneself, especially where I’m from in England. The idea of feeling sorry for yourself is about the worst thing you can do. But what we have to do is look at “feeling sorry for yourself” in a different light, as feeling for yourself, for what you have been through.

The only time that feeling sorry for yourself is a problem is when it goes hand in hand with a lack of accountability and ownership. If I spend my whole life feeling sorry for myself and I never do anything about it, that’s when we can waste our lives.

But what if feeling for yourself was doing something about it? 

What if feeling for yourself was the root to doing something about it? 

Haven’t you ever had a conversation with someone where they felt for you—they saw you and they understood you and they showed up for you in a certain way; and by doing that, it was healing for you. And from that place, you were more empowered, you were able to do more because you felt seen. That was a basis, a foundation, on which you could actually start to move again. 

Well, what if you could do that for yourself?

I know that in various parts of my life, for a long time, I never showed up for myself in that way.

One of the things David said was, he realized about himself: 

“No one ever abandoned me as badly as I abandoned myself.”

And how do we abandon ourselves? 

We abandon ourselves emotionally in all sorts of ways—by judging ourselves, shaming ourselves, constantly criticizing everything we do, telling ourselves we’re bad, telling ourselves we’re unworthy, not sticking up for ourselves. And like I’ve been saying, one of the ways we abandon ourselves is not recognizing our own pain, not actually sitting with our own pain and exploring it and showing up for ourselves and exercising compassion for ourselves in that department.

One of the things that struck me about my conversation with David was the voice that he spoke to me in. It was actually one of the things that made me most emotional was just his voice because there was such a kindness to his voice. It was so soft and loving and compassionate, and it was in such direct contrast to the kind of voice that I have used with myself so much in my life.

And just having the kind of voice that I want to get better at internally, externalized in the form of David, was . . . it modeled how self-kindness can feel, and that is a really beautiful thing.

DAVID KESSLER

“There’s a real you in there that’s so kind and loving, but oh my gosh, that’s the hardest voice to find, but that’s your voice. And so, that’s the voice you’ve got to keep turning up. And it’s scary to change and it’s scary to grow. But we know what staying the same feels like.”

MATTHEW HUSSEY

“Yeah, it’s scary because it’s a whole new way of being, and you don’t know how to move through the world like that yet.”

This, invites you to look at the areas where you have unattended grief, alongside being an invitation to head toward the storm, can also be an invitation to start to adopt a different, kinder, softer voice for yourself. 

Matthew Hussey

Love Language

The Kitcheners

 Knowing His Love Language 

Is a Great Start, 

It’s Not a Quick Fix

Learning to love someone 

the way that they need to be loved

 takes hard work and dedication.

When I first found out about the 5 Love Languages, I felt like I had just discovered a superpower, a universal translator that would allow me to better relate to everyone in my life. Had I possessed this veritable communication potion early on, I could have avoided many a newlywed night spent flitting around our apartment, washing dishes, tidying countertops, and cleaning the bathroom, only to find a crestfallen husband who had just been made to feel like I would rather spend time with a mop than with him. I thought that once my eyes were open to the way my husband needed to be loved, loving him would be easy.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For those who aren’t familiar, Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory is that we all give and receive love in different ways. His years of experience counseling couples revealed that people often feel unloved even though their partners are working hard to express love and appreciation. In his book, Chapman explains that what is usually happening when people are struggling in their relationships is a breakdown of communication styles.

That is, one person might be trying to say “I love you” by buying the other person gifts and diligently cleaning the house, whereas what their partner really needs are more hugs and to simply hear the words “I love you.” Love is being shown, but it’s not being received.

The love languages theory forces you to ask yourself, “What makes them feel loved?” when you’re relating to others, rather than just assuming that your own preferences are universal. 

As Dr. Chapman explained, 

“[If] you understand that [people] speak a different language, then you can learn to speak that language.” 

After my own love language discovery, I became positively evangelical about it—figuring out the love languages of all my friends and family. 

“This would be a magical cure for every relationship problem,” I thought.

I started to transform the way that I approached communicating with others. 

For example, when my sister’s boyfriend fixed a tire for me, my natural inclination was to thank him profusely, but I got the impression that my words just embarrassed him. So I decided to give him his favorite fudge to show my gratitude. Instead of feeling awkward, the gesture felt right. The love languages helped break down other barriers for me, too. Like how I discovered that snail mail was the best way to connect with one of my old friends who cherished words of affirmation. And why my acts of service mother-in-law lit up when I did the vacuuming for her.

But just because you know what makes someone else feel loved doesn’t mean that you’ll immediately feel comfortable fulfilling that need for them. If their language is different from your own, expressing love in the most vital way for them likely won’t come naturally to you.

In my own case, words of affirmation, gift giving, and acts of service make total sense. I struggle though with quality time and physical touch. Of course, as fate would have it, these are the love languages that speak the most to my husband. 

A couple of my closest friends, as well as my husband and my father-in-law, are all physical touch people. On some level I believed that rather than needing to make more of an effort to give these loved ones more physical affection, they needed to stop needing it so much. I mean, come on, I give plenty of hugs, and if I’m not comfortable giving more, why should I?

I found myself stuck. I knew what my husband needed, but I wasn’t giving it to him. And what’s worse, he knew it. When he came to me and said that he felt I recognized his language but wasn’t acting on it, I realized I had to dig deeper. Up until now, I had treated the love language theory like a fad diet—something that was exciting and new but with no real longevity. 

For the connection to really happen, I knew I had to do more. 

Love isn’t supposed to always feel comfortable or easy. 

Genuine love requires the humility of spirit that allows us to look outside of ourselves. True love can be a terrifying, vulnerable, and painful process. In fact, it often hurts like hell. Loving each other in deeply personal ways requires that we train ourselves, just as an athlete trains her muscles for a race. We have to expect our emotional muscles to ache if we’re truly exercising empathy and self-sacrificial love on a regular basis.

All of this isn’t to say that when love comes naturally, it is wrong. 

Nor does it mean that just because you have to work a little harder to forge a connection that you aren’t a good fit with someone. 

 

The love languages simply remind us that everyone is unique and that the most loving thing we can do is to care for someone in a way that will make them feel most understood. And by doing this, they will hopefully be able to do the same for us.

Realizing that I knew my husband’s love language but still wasn’t speaking it properly was an uncomfortable but much-needed discovery. It was the motivation I needed to take the fact that real love takes hard work seriously. I had to confront my deeper issue of feeling like I didn’t have enough alone time and acknowledge that being physically present isn’t enough when you’re mentally somewhere else. I had to admit that spending a lot of time with a toddler who doesn’t respect my personal space (not that I would expect—or want—her to!) has impacted the way I show physical affection toward others. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but acknowledging these facts and admitting that they’ll take some work is the first step to working through them.

At a certain point, love always takes us out of our comfort zone and requires us to put the other person first, whether or not we speak the same love language. 

In many ways, marrying a person who needs exactly what I find hardest to give is a blessing—it is the perfect training ground for empathy and selfless love. 

As a great line from my favorite Joni Mitchell song goes, 

"I love you when I forget about me"

 Sophie Caldecott

Just Because Your Love Language 

Is Physical Touch 

Doesn’t Mean 

It’s All About Sex

Sex is important, but 

it’s not a love language.

Let’s be real. If you ask the general population when they feel the most loved, chances are, most people will say when having sex. I’m not saying that they’re lying, but as Dr. Gary Chapman explains The Five Love Languages, it's a very common occurrence that people—and men especially—mistake their natural drive for sex with thinking that their primary love language is physical touch.

Physical touch may seem like one of the more straightforward of Gary Chapman’s five languages, but in a culture where touch can be misinterpreted on all kinds of levels, it is often the most misunderstood love language as well. As one woman lamented after taking the test and finding out physical touch was her primary language, 

“Does this mean I have to put out now?”

No, you do not. No matter your relationship status: married, dating, or single, physical touch does not necessitate the need for sexual acts in order to feel loved. Of course, sexual intimacy is important for a happy marriage, but ultimately it's just one possible dialect of many when it comes showing and feeling loved through physical touch.

If your guy is a physical touch guy or if you’re the one who needs physical touch, we've made a handy guide that you'll want to keep in your back pocket:

Slow down, and be in the moment.

It might surprise you to learn that, much like those who need Quality Time, a consideration of how you use time is actually a critical element for the physical touch love language—but you only need a bit. Looking for the right moments to show love through touch takes some practice and intentionality.

Pro-tip: Be mindful when you're in the same space as your significant other. Look for opportunities that give your partner that boost of awesome. As you're shuffling around your space, for instance, and your partner is doing something in the living room, consider taking a moment to gently touch their arm, or playfully poke their back. These gestures might sound small—so small that it hardly takes up any real time—but they can transform your S.O.'s day. For those moments where you are spending real quality time together, be intentional in the way you apply your touch. Holding their hand or playing with their hair will speak just a loudly as words to your loved one.

Don’t assume your partner loves PDA.

Do most people who prefer physical touch love PDA? Probably. But don’t make that assumption, as public displays of affection can carry all kinds of baggage—whether the biases are based on culture, religion or upbringing. Depending on their personality, PDA can make your physical touch partner feel on top of the world, or cause some real, awkward embarrassment.

To make matters more complicated, touch that they might be comfortable with in one scenario may change in another. One woman loved holding hands with her guy everywhere, but the second she was around her family, she didn't want any sort of physical intimacy. If you notice a discrepancy like this, just have a conversation. As you get to know your significant other better, you'll start to notice patterns, which they might not even be aware themselves.

Not all touch is created equal.

You probably have already noticed that there are particular techniques or, as Dr. Chapman calls, dialects that make your partner feel especially loved and others that don't. That's why it's important you're constantly testing out different methods to see what they like. "For some reason, when my fiancée holds me from behind, I feel more love than probably any other way that she could touch me," Andrew Mentock tells Verily. "There is something about her holding me in this way that fills my 'love tank' up quickly. We would not know this if she hadn’t walked up behind me and hugged me one day." So go ahead, no need to get too methodical about it, just play around—and try to repeat the stuff that really strikes a chord.

Plan dates around opportunities that get you close.

When you make plans for Saturday, try to pick activities that enable you to show physical affection. If you're going out to dinner, make reservations at a restaurant where you know you can sit on the same side of the table; if you want to get outdoors, consider archery or putt-putt, which allows you the time and space to linger side by side; or even buy tickets at your nearest theme park, and grab onto your partner's hand as you brace yourself for epic drops. Of course, if you're in the practice of being mindful, all dates provide ample opportunity to get close, but sometimes try and explore some options where physical touch is inherent—as this can make it easier on you if physical touch isn't your M.O.

Make certain moves exclusive.

This is where the "language" part of love language becomes literal. If your guy is a physical touch person, certain signs of affection are going to become a something like a secret dialect, an expression of love that's unique only to you two. So, if you have a particular way that you like to hug your partner, reserve that action for him or her. It's easy to forget this bit of information if physical touch isn't your love language. For example, you might innocently think that your brother might like the same kind of big bear hug, too—but try and refrain and make your physical gestures unique only to that person whose love tank you've been entrusted with. Then you'll really be speaking their language.

 Maria Walley

Random Acts of Kindness 

for the Five Love Languages

For your friends, family, 

and significant other

When showing others how much you love them, it’s important to remember that we all give and receive love a little differently. Enter the five love languages. If you aren’t already familiar with them, check them out: they are a great tool to learn about yourself and your loved ones and to build trust and intimacy.

If you want to surprise your significant other, your best friend, your mom, or just about anyone with their favorite love language on this special day, here are some ideas to get you started.

Quality time

This love language most of all consists in your presence. Someone who values quality time feels most loved when you give them your full and undivided attention, in the little things—like being an attentive listener—and the big things too—like clearing your calendar to spend time with them. Here are a few ways to show love through quality time:

• Schedule a phone call with a loved one who lives far away, even if it is only for 15 minutes.
• Ask a loved one if they would like to keep you company on FaceTime while you do chores or go about your day.
• Share an interactive activity with someone you love, like a board game, a puzzle, a craft, or read aloud together.
• The classic coffee date is a simple way to spend time together. Picking up the tab doesn’t hurt either!

Physical touch

Did you know that hugs have health benefits? In a healthy and appropriate context, physical affection not only feels good, it’s good for us. This love language can have all kinds of expression, in all kinds of relationships, romantic and platonic. Here are some ideas for how to show you care through touch:

If you are in a romantic relationship, 

Do an activity where you can be physically close with your significant other, like sitting together during a movie, letting your knees touch while sitting at the coffee shop, or holding hands during a walk.

Braid or brush your friend’s or sister’s hair.

Give a gentle neck or back massage—or give a gift card to your loved one to have a professional give them one (it’s good for you!).

Does someone you love like physical gestures of affection, while such things don’t come naturally to you? Think beyond hugs and kisses. A reassuring pat on a friend’s shoulder, a casual touch on the arm, and sitting close to a loved one are all small and simple ways to be physically close.

Acts of service

For someone who is service oriented, actions really do speak louder than words. The trick to this love language is to anticipate your loved one’s needs. Not only will you be doing them a favor, but you are showing them that they are on your mind, and that they are worth your time and effort. If you need help thinking of some ideas for acts of service, here are a few to get you started:

Do someone else’s chores. Clean the dishes before your spouse can get to them, make your sibling’s bed while they are eating breakfast, defrost the car for your dad before he leaves for work, or get up early to make coffee for your roommates. Bonus points if the task is something your loved one dreads doing.

When a new baby arrives or a loved one passes, it’s common practice to set up a meal train for the family. Think about how much peace of mind it gives you when lunch or dinner is already waiting for you in the fridge. 

What if we helped one another with meal prep, just because? 

Surprise someone with a batch meal or a gift card to order in—it’s a little luxury they are sure to appreciate.

Do someone else’s shopping. Run an errand so your parents don’t have to, like picking up stamps at the post office or taking returned merchandise back to the store. Volunteer to pick up your roommate’s grocery list. Or give gift cards so your busy friends and family can shop online on their own time.

Gifts

A gift signifies the time, effort, and thought that you put into a relationship. Someone who receives love through gifts cherishes items not only for what they are but what they represent. The trick to giving a good gift, then, is to focus most of all on the intention behind the present. 

Here are some ways to think beyond your annual Christmas list to give gifts year-round:

• Pick up a treat from the grocery store or Starbucks drive-thru on the way to see your friend or significant other. When my fiancé and I were first dating, he learned my drink order and would have it ready for me when I arrived at our usual coffee place. The gesture made me feel seen and loved.

• Make or pack lunch for a family member. 

• Add a personalized note to surprise them, if they will be opening their lunchbox at school or at the office. Little treats like mini candy bars and fresh baked cookies are a nice addition too.

• A little gift can go a long way. Send a loved one a small gift card for a little indulgence: $5 for coffee, $10 to drop on the dollar section at Target, $25 for a new pair of earrings at their favorite store. Enclose the gift in a cute “thinking of you” card.

• If you have time for something more labor-intensive, assemble a care package for a faraway friend or relative. 

• Little decorative touches, like wrapping the items or stuffing the box with tissue paper, will make your box extra special. 

• Ideas to get you started include a scented candle, a book you recommend, a novelty mug, small pieces of jewelry, and chocolate.

Words of affirmation

Telling someone that you love them and why you love them can really raise their spirits. Giving and receiving genuine compliments can brighten your mood and increase your performance. In a world filled with so many negative words and images, we could all use more affirmation. 

Here are some ways to start spreading the love:

• If you have a hard time saying how you feel, try writing it down. Write a card or a letter to tell a loved one how much they mean to you and what you admire and love about them.

• Make a habit of giving thoughtful compliments. If saying these things out loud does not come naturally for you, practice makes perfect. Start with some positive thinking: mentally make a note of something good that stands out to you about the people you encounter. Then start giving out small compliments (“nice outfit!”) and build towards more personal ones (“I really admire your sense of style; I know how much thought goes into your wardrobe, and your personality really comes across in how you dress”).

• Text a friend or loved one first thing in the morning to tell them you are thinking of them.

• One year for my birthday, my roommates asked all of the guests at my birthday party to write down words of affirmation to go in a jar for me to read. It was such a personal and lasting gift, which I treasure even more now that some of the guests have moved farther away and I don’t see them as often. A gift that keeps on giving! 

Monica Burke

Love’s Language

Elizabeth Wells

 

How does Love speak?

In the faint flush upon the tell-tale cheek,

And in the pallor that succeeds it; by

The quivering lid of an averted eye—

The smile that proves the parent to a sigh—

Thus doth Love speak.

How does Love speak?

By the uneven heart-throbs, and the freak

Of bounding pulses that stand still and ache,

While new emotions, like strange barques, make

Along vein-channels their disturbing course;

Still as the dawn, and with the dawn’s swift force –

Thus doth Love speak.

 

How does Love speak?

In the avoidance of that which we seek—

The sudden silence and reserve when near—

The eye that glistens with an unshed tear—

The joy that seems the counterpart of fear,

As the alarmed heart leaps in the breast,

And knows, and names, the greets its god-like guest –

Thus doth Love speak.

How doth Love speak?

In the proud spirit suddenly grown meek—

The haughty heart grown humble; in the tender

And unnamed light that floods the world with splendour,

In the resemblance which the fond eyes trace

In all things to one beloved face;

In the shy touch of hands that thrill and tremble;

In looks and lips that can no more dissemble—

Thus doth Love speak.

How doth Love speak?

In the wild words that uttered seem so weak

They shrink ashamed to silence; in the fire

Glance strikes with glance, swift flashing high and higher,

Like lightnings that precede the mighty storm;

In the deep, soulful stillness; in the warm,

Impassioned tide that sweeps through throbbing veins,

Between the shores of keen delights and pains;

In the embrace where madness melts in bliss,

And in convulsive rapture of a kiss—

Thus doth Love speak.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The Madman

 

You ask me how I became a madman. 

It happened thus: 

One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen -- the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives. I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, 

"Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves."

Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, 

"He is a madman." 

I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, 

"Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks."

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my safety. 

Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.

The normal person wears masks in order to function in society, to maintain self-identity in a world that corrodes the self and redefines it for its collective purpose. 

To act without a mask, to think and speak and behave without this veil of illusion, without Maya interposed before one's eyes, is to be mad. 

To lose these masks, to be true to self and therefore true to nature and reality, is to be free. 

This freedom, taken against society, has its risk of loneliness and misunderstanding, but it safeguards intuition and self from the intolerant masses and their expectation of conformity, of mask-wearing.

Let's begin to explore the ramifications of masklessness, of madness. 

Before God, one can be neither slave, creature, nor child. 

One can only be equal to God, not in a frivolous egoistic sense but in terms of identify of being and substance, for to lose the contrived masks of society is to reveal the divine power in the universe and the self.

Among others, therefore, we inevitably become estranged and incompatible.

The "I" in me, my friend, dwells in the house of silence, and there in it shall remain for ever more, unperceived, unapproachable.

I would not have you believe in what I say nor trust in what I do -- for my words are naught but your own thoughts in sound and my deeds your own hopes in action.

When you say,

 "The wind blows eastward," 

I say, 

"Yes, it does blow eastward"; for I would not have you know that my mind does not dwell upon the wind but upon the sea.

You cannot understand my seafaring thoughts, nor would I have you understand. 

I would be at sea alone.

When it is day with you, my friend, it is night with me; yet even then I speak of the noontide that dances upon the hills and of the purple shadow that steals its way across the valley; for you cannot hear the songs of my darkness nor see my wings beating against the stars -- and I fain would not have you hear or see. I would be with night alone.

When you ascend to your Heaven I descend to my Hell - even then you call to me across the unbridgeable gulf, "My companion, my comrade," and I call back to you, "My comrade, my companion" - for I would not have you see my Hell. The flame would burn your eyesight and the smoke would crowd your nostrils. And I love my Hell too well to have you visit it. I would be in Hell alone.

You love Truth and Beauty and Righteousness; and I for your sake say it is well and seemly to love these things. But in my heart I laugh at your love. Yet I would not have you see my laughter. I would laugh alone.

My friend, you are good and cautious and wise; no, you are perfect -- and I, too, speak with you wisely and cautiously. And yet I am mad. But I mask my madness. I would be mad alone.

My friend, you are not my friend, but how shall I make you understand? 

My path is not your path, yet together we walk, hand in hand.

This is how the madman and the hermit must live, not in antagonism or controversy but alone and separate, in silence. Not donning a new mask, the poet instead demurs and disengages and lets other go their way, safeguarding his own path.

Khalil Gibran

in, The Madman

Dark and Getting Darker

 

Elizabeth Sanderson

Everyone needs a genie and a lamp.

Ancient red handprints in a hard-to-get-to cave.

A wireless charger for their liver

after years of heedless drinking.

Also, not to dematerialize before seeing Venice,

which itself may soon dematerialize

beneath the Adriatic. Upstairs, my brother

bangs the supper dishes. My wish

is to be too drunk to think

about the sermon at the funeral mass,

the priest mumbling no one knew what,

or the coffin fed into the back of the hearse

and driven off with another brother’s body

while his widow went to pieces on the curb.

According to the internet, there are three things

a genie can’t do: no granting the wish for more wishes.

No bringing back the dead. For that,

you’ve got religion. Also, no making someone fall

in love with you. Luckily there are potions,

even if they’re bad for your digestion. I wish

my friend had never been diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

That we still lived together in that house

among the trees. I’d like to go there now

on a magically self-cleaning carpet

for when my dying cat throws up again,

and grieve.

Kim Addonizio

in, Exit Opera 

poema sem título

Ruy Belo

27/2/1933 - 8/8/1978

Um dia alguém numa grande cidade longí­nqua dirá que morri

di-lo-á decerto com pena mas sem o alívio que eu próprio decerto senti

primeiro ao solucionar de vez esse problema de respiração que a vida é

desde a convulsão da criança que a meio do copo deixou ir leite para a traqueia

até a instantânea atrapalhação do mergulhador a quem de súbito falta o ar comprimido

só dispõe da reserva e lhe faltava tanto que ver no fundo sonhador do mar

depois senti alívio porque às vezes a meio por exemplo da aragem na face

eu pensava na morte como problema metafísico a resolver pelo menos com higiene

se não com dignidade com acerto como mais um problema à medida do homem

Eu estava do lado dos vivos estou do lado dos mortos

o grande problema era saber se me doía ou se não me doía

agora nem sei se me doeu ou não ou fui um mero espetáculo de mau gosto

para a única pessoa encarregada de me ajudar nesse momento

Ninguém a princípio terá sabido que eu morrera só minha

mulher avisada de longe virá e me porá a mão sobre a testa

os demais não não disponho do olhar para me defender

o tempo depressa se passa são trâmites legais até me terem deixado

debaixo do chão bem debaixo do chão sem frases lidas

ou gravadas sem sentimento nenhum

Uns dias depois um pequeno grupo junto a uma grande janela

olhará a neblina da manhã de janeiro

e terá mãos que eu tive para os meus problemas de vivos

Onde eu estive sobre uma mesa com uma perna cruzada

suaves começarão a suceder-se e acumular-se os dias

como cartas revistas linguísticas ou livros adormecidos

despertos apenas no momento fugaz da leitura

A vida será indistinta virá até nós como árvores

rodará em volta como um lençol até cobrir-nos os ombros

Falareis de mim não posso impedir que faleis de mim

mas já nada disso me pesa como o simples facto de ter de ser vosso amigo

Estou só e só para sempre e só desde sempre

mas antes por direito de opção. Agora não

Deixaram-me aqui doutor em tantas e tão grandes tristezas portuguesas

e durmo o sono das coisas convivo com minerais preparo a minha juventude definitiva

Era como eu esperava mas não posso dizer-vos nada

pois tendes ainda o problema e a cara da pessoa viva

Ruy Belo