Love Language

The Kitcheners

 Knowing His Love Language 

Is a Great Start, 

It’s Not a Quick Fix

Learning to love someone 

the way that they need to be loved

 takes hard work and dedication.

When I first found out about the 5 Love Languages, I felt like I had just discovered a superpower, a universal translator that would allow me to better relate to everyone in my life. Had I possessed this veritable communication potion early on, I could have avoided many a newlywed night spent flitting around our apartment, washing dishes, tidying countertops, and cleaning the bathroom, only to find a crestfallen husband who had just been made to feel like I would rather spend time with a mop than with him. I thought that once my eyes were open to the way my husband needed to be loved, loving him would be easy.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For those who aren’t familiar, Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory is that we all give and receive love in different ways. His years of experience counseling couples revealed that people often feel unloved even though their partners are working hard to express love and appreciation. In his book, Chapman explains that what is usually happening when people are struggling in their relationships is a breakdown of communication styles.

That is, one person might be trying to say “I love you” by buying the other person gifts and diligently cleaning the house, whereas what their partner really needs are more hugs and to simply hear the words “I love you.” Love is being shown, but it’s not being received.

The love languages theory forces you to ask yourself, “What makes them feel loved?” when you’re relating to others, rather than just assuming that your own preferences are universal. 

As Dr. Chapman explained, 

“[If] you understand that [people] speak a different language, then you can learn to speak that language.” 

After my own love language discovery, I became positively evangelical about it—figuring out the love languages of all my friends and family. 

“This would be a magical cure for every relationship problem,” I thought.

I started to transform the way that I approached communicating with others. 

For example, when my sister’s boyfriend fixed a tire for me, my natural inclination was to thank him profusely, but I got the impression that my words just embarrassed him. So I decided to give him his favorite fudge to show my gratitude. Instead of feeling awkward, the gesture felt right. The love languages helped break down other barriers for me, too. Like how I discovered that snail mail was the best way to connect with one of my old friends who cherished words of affirmation. And why my acts of service mother-in-law lit up when I did the vacuuming for her.

But just because you know what makes someone else feel loved doesn’t mean that you’ll immediately feel comfortable fulfilling that need for them. If their language is different from your own, expressing love in the most vital way for them likely won’t come naturally to you.

In my own case, words of affirmation, gift giving, and acts of service make total sense. I struggle though with quality time and physical touch. Of course, as fate would have it, these are the love languages that speak the most to my husband. 

A couple of my closest friends, as well as my husband and my father-in-law, are all physical touch people. On some level I believed that rather than needing to make more of an effort to give these loved ones more physical affection, they needed to stop needing it so much. I mean, come on, I give plenty of hugs, and if I’m not comfortable giving more, why should I?

I found myself stuck. I knew what my husband needed, but I wasn’t giving it to him. And what’s worse, he knew it. When he came to me and said that he felt I recognized his language but wasn’t acting on it, I realized I had to dig deeper. Up until now, I had treated the love language theory like a fad diet—something that was exciting and new but with no real longevity. 

For the connection to really happen, I knew I had to do more. 

Love isn’t supposed to always feel comfortable or easy. 

Genuine love requires the humility of spirit that allows us to look outside of ourselves. True love can be a terrifying, vulnerable, and painful process. In fact, it often hurts like hell. Loving each other in deeply personal ways requires that we train ourselves, just as an athlete trains her muscles for a race. We have to expect our emotional muscles to ache if we’re truly exercising empathy and self-sacrificial love on a regular basis.

All of this isn’t to say that when love comes naturally, it is wrong. 

Nor does it mean that just because you have to work a little harder to forge a connection that you aren’t a good fit with someone. 

 

The love languages simply remind us that everyone is unique and that the most loving thing we can do is to care for someone in a way that will make them feel most understood. And by doing this, they will hopefully be able to do the same for us.

Realizing that I knew my husband’s love language but still wasn’t speaking it properly was an uncomfortable but much-needed discovery. It was the motivation I needed to take the fact that real love takes hard work seriously. I had to confront my deeper issue of feeling like I didn’t have enough alone time and acknowledge that being physically present isn’t enough when you’re mentally somewhere else. I had to admit that spending a lot of time with a toddler who doesn’t respect my personal space (not that I would expect—or want—her to!) has impacted the way I show physical affection toward others. I haven’t figured it all out yet, but acknowledging these facts and admitting that they’ll take some work is the first step to working through them.

At a certain point, love always takes us out of our comfort zone and requires us to put the other person first, whether or not we speak the same love language. 

In many ways, marrying a person who needs exactly what I find hardest to give is a blessing—it is the perfect training ground for empathy and selfless love. 

As a great line from my favorite Joni Mitchell song goes, 

"I love you when I forget about me"

 Sophie Caldecott

Just Because Your Love Language 

Is Physical Touch 

Doesn’t Mean 

It’s All About Sex

Sex is important, but 

it’s not a love language.

Let’s be real. If you ask the general population when they feel the most loved, chances are, most people will say when having sex. I’m not saying that they’re lying, but as Dr. Gary Chapman explains The Five Love Languages, it's a very common occurrence that people—and men especially—mistake their natural drive for sex with thinking that their primary love language is physical touch.

Physical touch may seem like one of the more straightforward of Gary Chapman’s five languages, but in a culture where touch can be misinterpreted on all kinds of levels, it is often the most misunderstood love language as well. As one woman lamented after taking the test and finding out physical touch was her primary language, 

“Does this mean I have to put out now?”

No, you do not. No matter your relationship status: married, dating, or single, physical touch does not necessitate the need for sexual acts in order to feel loved. Of course, sexual intimacy is important for a happy marriage, but ultimately it's just one possible dialect of many when it comes showing and feeling loved through physical touch.

If your guy is a physical touch guy or if you’re the one who needs physical touch, we've made a handy guide that you'll want to keep in your back pocket:

Slow down, and be in the moment.

It might surprise you to learn that, much like those who need Quality Time, a consideration of how you use time is actually a critical element for the physical touch love language—but you only need a bit. Looking for the right moments to show love through touch takes some practice and intentionality.

Pro-tip: Be mindful when you're in the same space as your significant other. Look for opportunities that give your partner that boost of awesome. As you're shuffling around your space, for instance, and your partner is doing something in the living room, consider taking a moment to gently touch their arm, or playfully poke their back. These gestures might sound small—so small that it hardly takes up any real time—but they can transform your S.O.'s day. For those moments where you are spending real quality time together, be intentional in the way you apply your touch. Holding their hand or playing with their hair will speak just a loudly as words to your loved one.

Don’t assume your partner loves PDA.

Do most people who prefer physical touch love PDA? Probably. But don’t make that assumption, as public displays of affection can carry all kinds of baggage—whether the biases are based on culture, religion or upbringing. Depending on their personality, PDA can make your physical touch partner feel on top of the world, or cause some real, awkward embarrassment.

To make matters more complicated, touch that they might be comfortable with in one scenario may change in another. One woman loved holding hands with her guy everywhere, but the second she was around her family, she didn't want any sort of physical intimacy. If you notice a discrepancy like this, just have a conversation. As you get to know your significant other better, you'll start to notice patterns, which they might not even be aware themselves.

Not all touch is created equal.

You probably have already noticed that there are particular techniques or, as Dr. Chapman calls, dialects that make your partner feel especially loved and others that don't. That's why it's important you're constantly testing out different methods to see what they like. "For some reason, when my fiancée holds me from behind, I feel more love than probably any other way that she could touch me," Andrew Mentock tells Verily. "There is something about her holding me in this way that fills my 'love tank' up quickly. We would not know this if she hadn’t walked up behind me and hugged me one day." So go ahead, no need to get too methodical about it, just play around—and try to repeat the stuff that really strikes a chord.

Plan dates around opportunities that get you close.

When you make plans for Saturday, try to pick activities that enable you to show physical affection. If you're going out to dinner, make reservations at a restaurant where you know you can sit on the same side of the table; if you want to get outdoors, consider archery or putt-putt, which allows you the time and space to linger side by side; or even buy tickets at your nearest theme park, and grab onto your partner's hand as you brace yourself for epic drops. Of course, if you're in the practice of being mindful, all dates provide ample opportunity to get close, but sometimes try and explore some options where physical touch is inherent—as this can make it easier on you if physical touch isn't your M.O.

Make certain moves exclusive.

This is where the "language" part of love language becomes literal. If your guy is a physical touch person, certain signs of affection are going to become a something like a secret dialect, an expression of love that's unique only to you two. So, if you have a particular way that you like to hug your partner, reserve that action for him or her. It's easy to forget this bit of information if physical touch isn't your love language. For example, you might innocently think that your brother might like the same kind of big bear hug, too—but try and refrain and make your physical gestures unique only to that person whose love tank you've been entrusted with. Then you'll really be speaking their language.

 Maria Walley

Random Acts of Kindness 

for the Five Love Languages

For your friends, family, 

and significant other

When showing others how much you love them, it’s important to remember that we all give and receive love a little differently. Enter the five love languages. If you aren’t already familiar with them, check them out: they are a great tool to learn about yourself and your loved ones and to build trust and intimacy.

If you want to surprise your significant other, your best friend, your mom, or just about anyone with their favorite love language on this special day, here are some ideas to get you started.

Quality time

This love language most of all consists in your presence. Someone who values quality time feels most loved when you give them your full and undivided attention, in the little things—like being an attentive listener—and the big things too—like clearing your calendar to spend time with them. Here are a few ways to show love through quality time:

• Schedule a phone call with a loved one who lives far away, even if it is only for 15 minutes.
• Ask a loved one if they would like to keep you company on FaceTime while you do chores or go about your day.
• Share an interactive activity with someone you love, like a board game, a puzzle, a craft, or read aloud together.
• The classic coffee date is a simple way to spend time together. Picking up the tab doesn’t hurt either!

Physical touch

Did you know that hugs have health benefits? In a healthy and appropriate context, physical affection not only feels good, it’s good for us. This love language can have all kinds of expression, in all kinds of relationships, romantic and platonic. Here are some ideas for how to show you care through touch:

If you are in a romantic relationship, 

Do an activity where you can be physically close with your significant other, like sitting together during a movie, letting your knees touch while sitting at the coffee shop, or holding hands during a walk.

Braid or brush your friend’s or sister’s hair.

Give a gentle neck or back massage—or give a gift card to your loved one to have a professional give them one (it’s good for you!).

Does someone you love like physical gestures of affection, while such things don’t come naturally to you? Think beyond hugs and kisses. A reassuring pat on a friend’s shoulder, a casual touch on the arm, and sitting close to a loved one are all small and simple ways to be physically close.

Acts of service

For someone who is service oriented, actions really do speak louder than words. The trick to this love language is to anticipate your loved one’s needs. Not only will you be doing them a favor, but you are showing them that they are on your mind, and that they are worth your time and effort. If you need help thinking of some ideas for acts of service, here are a few to get you started:

Do someone else’s chores. Clean the dishes before your spouse can get to them, make your sibling’s bed while they are eating breakfast, defrost the car for your dad before he leaves for work, or get up early to make coffee for your roommates. Bonus points if the task is something your loved one dreads doing.

When a new baby arrives or a loved one passes, it’s common practice to set up a meal train for the family. Think about how much peace of mind it gives you when lunch or dinner is already waiting for you in the fridge. 

What if we helped one another with meal prep, just because? 

Surprise someone with a batch meal or a gift card to order in—it’s a little luxury they are sure to appreciate.

Do someone else’s shopping. Run an errand so your parents don’t have to, like picking up stamps at the post office or taking returned merchandise back to the store. Volunteer to pick up your roommate’s grocery list. Or give gift cards so your busy friends and family can shop online on their own time.

Gifts

A gift signifies the time, effort, and thought that you put into a relationship. Someone who receives love through gifts cherishes items not only for what they are but what they represent. The trick to giving a good gift, then, is to focus most of all on the intention behind the present. 

Here are some ways to think beyond your annual Christmas list to give gifts year-round:

• Pick up a treat from the grocery store or Starbucks drive-thru on the way to see your friend or significant other. When my fiancé and I were first dating, he learned my drink order and would have it ready for me when I arrived at our usual coffee place. The gesture made me feel seen and loved.

• Make or pack lunch for a family member. 

• Add a personalized note to surprise them, if they will be opening their lunchbox at school or at the office. Little treats like mini candy bars and fresh baked cookies are a nice addition too.

• A little gift can go a long way. Send a loved one a small gift card for a little indulgence: $5 for coffee, $10 to drop on the dollar section at Target, $25 for a new pair of earrings at their favorite store. Enclose the gift in a cute “thinking of you” card.

• If you have time for something more labor-intensive, assemble a care package for a faraway friend or relative. 

• Little decorative touches, like wrapping the items or stuffing the box with tissue paper, will make your box extra special. 

• Ideas to get you started include a scented candle, a book you recommend, a novelty mug, small pieces of jewelry, and chocolate.

Words of affirmation

Telling someone that you love them and why you love them can really raise their spirits. Giving and receiving genuine compliments can brighten your mood and increase your performance. In a world filled with so many negative words and images, we could all use more affirmation. 

Here are some ways to start spreading the love:

• If you have a hard time saying how you feel, try writing it down. Write a card or a letter to tell a loved one how much they mean to you and what you admire and love about them.

• Make a habit of giving thoughtful compliments. If saying these things out loud does not come naturally for you, practice makes perfect. Start with some positive thinking: mentally make a note of something good that stands out to you about the people you encounter. Then start giving out small compliments (“nice outfit!”) and build towards more personal ones (“I really admire your sense of style; I know how much thought goes into your wardrobe, and your personality really comes across in how you dress”).

• Text a friend or loved one first thing in the morning to tell them you are thinking of them.

• One year for my birthday, my roommates asked all of the guests at my birthday party to write down words of affirmation to go in a jar for me to read. It was such a personal and lasting gift, which I treasure even more now that some of the guests have moved farther away and I don’t see them as often. A gift that keeps on giving! 

Monica Burke