The Myth of the Complete Package

DreamMedia

 

Your ideal partner 

isn’t “well-rounded.” 

Selectively extraordinary 

is more than enough.

You want an amazing partner. More than that, you deserve an amazing partner.

But amazing doesn’t mean perfect.

Part of the problem is that some of the most common pieces of dating advice are contradictory: 

“You deserve the best” 

“You need to be realistic.” 

“Don’t be too picky.” 

“Never settle.” 

No wonder dating feels so confusing.

You want the best possible partner you can have (as you should). You also don’t want to have unrealistic expectations that make you miss out on truly great partners because they continually fall short of what you want.

How do you strike a balance? 

You can have anything, but you can’t have everything.

Yes, that’s yet another standard life advice aphorism. 

But it’s the one that reveals the solution to making better dating decisions and navigating so much conflicting messaging about dating.

The Most Extraordinary People Are Mostly Ordinary

Look at the most extraordinary people in the world. They usually stand out in only one or two areas. They’re not world class in everything. 

In most areas, they’re ordinary. In a few, they’re surprisingly bad.

Beyonce isn’t running a 4-minute mile. Brad Pitt probably isn’t a gourmet chef. Taylor Swift probably struggles assembling IKEA furniture. Gordon Ramsay may still forget his passwords. Oprah probably procrastinates. Einstein (allegedly) couldn’t tie his shoes. Meryl Streep may have morning breath.

The “perfect” partner is great at a few things, terrible at none.

That’s ok. Their shortcomings don’t diminish their outstanding qualities and accomplishments.

The same is true with your romantic partner.

Your Wish List Is Fighting With Itself

We all like to think we’re reasonable and rational in our expectations. 

Unfortunately, we don’t date like it.

Not only do people date in a way that expects partners to be universally extraordinary, they expect magical combinations of traits that rarely coexist.

Think about what you want. 

Some aspects are likely contradictory in one person.

We want someone ambitious but always available.

Charismatic without needing attention.

Confident but never intimidating.

Deep and thoughtful, yet endlessly easygoing.

Adventurous but stable.

Independent but completely devoted.

Emotionally intelligent without emotional baggage.

Attractive without vanity.

Successful without stress.

The reality is that 

The genius entrepreneur may be emotionally awkward. 

A world-class artist may be chronically late. 

A brilliant leader may avoid conflict. 

A caring partner may never become highly ambitious. 

That super masculine guy may struggle with sensitivity.

Some traits rarely coexist at elite levels.

Hunting unicorns will keep you single.

You Wrote a List Without Consulting Your Budget

Imagine being part of a research study where you got to build your perfect partner. 

But there’s a catch, you have a limited budget of “mate dollars” to spend on a menu of desirable traits.

Kindness. Intelligence. Physical attractiveness. Social status. Creativity. 

You get to assemble the traits you want, but you only have so much to spend, and not enough to have it all. Bummer. (But it’s actually pretty darn realistic.)

When people had a limited budget, they focused their purchases on a few of their most important qualities they couldn’t live without, and left everything else near zero. However, when they had a larger budget, they spent differently. They covered some of the necessities (e.g., kind), but then spent extra on some “nice to haves” like creativity, liveliness, and wit.

While dating, people know what’s important, but they often misinterpret their budget. 

When it’s 11pm and you open your Notes app to create a list of the traits your ideal partner must have, you give yourself an unlimited budget. 

While it’s natural to be optimistic and aspirational in that way, it’s not how real life dating works.

We each have our own unique mating “budget” based on who we are. 

It’s a combination of your personality, character, values, relationship history, attractiveness, socio-economic status, education, and so on. 

You can try to shop outside of your budgeted price range, but it makes dating a lot more difficult.

There’s a second finding that should bother you more. 

Researchers gave participants a chance to do speed-dating (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008). Beforehand, they asked them what they wanted in a partner. Then, they watched if the participants’ stated preferences matched with what they actually did during the event (i.e., their revealed preferences).

You’d think they match up. You’d be wrong. What participants said they wanted in a partner, barely matched who they actually pursued during the event.

In fact, a meta-analysis across dozens of studies found the same thing: once you’ve been in a room with someone, your list stops predicting your interest almost entirely (Eastwick et al., 2014). 

At home you can be more reasonable and rational, but in the heat of the moment you tend to default to more emotional cues, such as physical attractiveness. That leads to a lot of mistakes.

You’re Comparing Real People to a Highlight Human

You can picture the exact partner you want. The one who has everything. Your complete package partner has the humor of one person you dated, the ambition of another, the steadiness of a third, the face of someone you matched with once and never met.

What you have is a Highlight Human. 

Importantly, they’re not real, but because you can picture each trait individually, they feel real. 

This creates a very real problem for anyone you meet. 

A new person feels really great. They’re solid, kind, smart, and interested in you. 

On paper, they check most of the boxes.

When you meet, they’re not quite as funny as your most recent ex. 

Not as smart or ambitious as the one from two years ago. 

Not as spontaneous as that one person you dated for six weeks in your twenties who was, honestly, a complete disaster in every other respect.

Every new person loses every single time because they’re being compared to all the best parts from a bunch of different people (none of whom were perfect themselves). 

A bunch of cherry-picked best qualities isn’t a fair standard, because there are very few (if any) real-life people who exhibit all of those qualities, all at once.

When you keep comparing mere mortals to your Highlight Human, everyone falls short. Do it enough, and you start convincing yourself that modern dating is broken and hopeless.

Are you ready for a little tough love? 

You’re not the 100% perfect complete package either. 

No one is.

If anyone else out there compared you to their Highlight Human,

you’d fall short too.

The answer to all of this is to stop asking whether someone is everything. 

Instead, ask whether they’re kind, honest, high character, and authentically interested in you.

You Don’t Need All A’s, but Can’t Have Any F’s

While the “complete package” partner is a myth, this isn’t meant to suggest you need to accept a problematic partner.

A partner does not have to be amazing in every possible category. 

However, they should not be terrible in any of them. 

In other words, partners don’t need straight A+ grades on everything, but they shouldn’t get an F on anything important.

There’s a system behind this that I use with clients. 

For the full breakdown, check out You Should Settle (It’s Not What You Think). 

But here’s the basic idea. 

1. There are a few qualities that you absolutely must have in a partner because they relate directly to long-term relationship quality (e.g., good communicator). 
2. Next, you have a longer list of qualities that would be nice, but you recognize that no one will have them all (e.g., liking the same TV shows, or having the same hobbies). 
3. Finally, you have qualities that you’d prefer, but if your partner doesn’t have them, it’s not a big deal, it’s just annoying (e.g., leaving clutter around the house).

In other words, you have to prioritize and not treat all areas as equally important. 

It’s also realizing that if you have a partner who hits everything in your first category, they really are a complete package, even if they insist on using the bathroom with the door open.

Dwell in the Extraordinary

There’s an easy way to make dating difficult: 

Expect perfection and get turned off when we discover someone’s human.

You’ll be happier and more successful once you realize that what makes a partner extraordinary isn’t how many “boxes” they check, but rather the connection that’s created between you. 

An amazing connection doesn’t require someone to be completely amazing in every possible way.

Instead, pick where you want your partner to be extraordinary. Find the one or two qualities that make the rest worth it.

Dwell in that.

Just don’t expect every single facet of them to match your loftiest expectations in every possible way. It’s an unfair standard.

The people we admire most are exceptional in a few areas, and kind, solid humans everywhere else.

 Gary W. Lewandowski Jr.