Question: I hear from many women who love their husbands, but have no desire to have sex with them. They really have little sexual desire at all. These women are often in their 40s and perimenopausal. They have no desire to open up their relationship and are not sure what to do. While a part of them wants to sexually satisfy their husbands, the lack of desire makes it challenging, if not impossible.
Esther’s take: For years, many sex therapists assumed that if you have no desire inside the bedroom, that means there are problems outside the bedroom with communication, division of labor, life stressors, etc. That is not necessarily true. Esther has spoken with many couples who are otherwise happy in their relationships. They don’t harbor resentment toward their partners or struggle with external stressors that affect their desire.
Direct quote:
When I hear this, I ask them:
“What is it like to live in a state of deadness—of flatness?”
This really hit me, and I know personally, when I have no desire to have sex at all—with anyone—it’s a sign that I’m depressed. I am emotionally flat. Desire, horniness, the ability to want is healthy, at least for me. It makes me feel alive. Esther would agree with the sentiment.
It’s why she doesn’t just say, “If you don’t want to have sex, you don’t have to.”
To clarify, she’s not encouraging you to have sex when you desperately don’t want to—and of course, you have autonomy over your body and can decline sex at any point—but she will encourage you to reconnect with your desire. There are various ways to reconnect, one of which is to share stories with your partner, connect on a deeper level, and get to know sides of them you never knew, even though you’d been married to them for two decades.
Learning new things about your partner doesn’t just deepen your connection.
Ironically, it can add a layer of mystique, of mystery, that can be arousing.
In other words, you don’t know everything about your partner; he’s not just the same man you’ve had dinner with for the past twenty years. That mystique can lead to arousal and desire.
Question: How do men experience intimacy when they worry their partner is having sex out of obligation?
Esther’s take: One thing that Esther hears in her practice is that men get turned on when they see their partners turned on. While this may sound sweet and altruistic—and it can be—the root of this desire is often fear. Many men often fear being predatorial. They fear their partners (in this case, we’re talking cis, straight women) aren’t actually enjoying the sex they’re having, or are faking it, or are placating them.
Knowing their partner is enjoying it alleviates male anxiety, allows them to be more present in the moment, less in their heads, and actually be able to enjoy the sexual experience.
This response also really spoke to me. In fact, it’s why I tend to engage in kink far more with men than women. I feel like I’m less likely to accidentally cross a line. I also know it’s more egalitarian as we’re both men, and men are more conditioned to say no and set boundaries, whereas many women are conditioned to people-please. Not to mention, I am 6’4 and 215 pounds. When I sleep with a woman who’s 5-feet tall and half my weight, I can’t help but be mindful of the size difference and fear hurting her.
Is this a form of benevolent sexism?
Potentially, but I think there’s merit to it.
Men and women are societally conditioned to be different sexually.
I am simply acknowledging that fact.
This is not to say I don’t have kinky experiences with women.
Of course I do, but I need to know they are comfortable saying no and using the safe word.
What also helps me is knowing that they are far kinkier than I.
For example, I have a play partner who I’ve seen take a BRUTAL beating at play parties—she loves it—a true sub and masochist. Anything sexual I could want to do with her wouldn’t come close to the shit she does with her other partners.
So I don’t fear accidentally crossing a line.
That allows me to really enjoy the sex we’re having and be less in my head.
Getty Images/iStockphoto
Sexless Marriage Effect On the Husband:
8 Effects of No-Sex Marriage on Men
- What is the sexless marriage effect on the husband?
- Can a sexless marriage last?
- Is it healthy to be in a sexless relationship?
- What causes a sexless marriage?
- Should a man stay in a sexless marriage?
Sex plays an important role in any marriage. When one partner loses interest in intimacy, it can cause issues in the relationship. As a man, it is important to learn more about sexless marriages, the causes, and how they affect you.
A sexless marriage can be defined as a relationship with a lack of intimacy between the couple. Since different couples have different sexual expectations and desires, experts say that any marriage with ten or fewer sexual activity sessions in a year can be quantified as a sexless marriage. However, this is dependent on the couple, as some couples can still enjoy healthy relationship sex once a month or once every few weeks. If your sex life has drastically declined or become nonexistent over the past few months, you can say that you are in a sexless marriage.
According to a study done in 2019, 19% of 659 couples were in what would be termed a sexless marriage. Most of the couples in this category had only been intimate once or twice in the last year, with some of them saying they had not experienced any form of sexual contact for more than a year.
In comparison, about 35% of the couples had experienced sexual intimacy one to three times per month in their happy marriage, 25% said they had sex weekly, while 21% said they enjoyed sexual intercourse a few times a week, which is healthy sex life.
Numerous reasons can cause the frequency of sex to change in a marriage. Most couples struggle with mismatched libidos, which puts a strain on the person with a higher libido since the spouse cannot satisfy or meet their sexual needs.
While mismatched libido is the most common cause of a sexless marriage, many other factors can lead to a lack of sex in marriage.
Some of the most common causes include:
- Health issues or a medical condition
- Childbirth
- Stress
- Trauma
- Failed communication
- Mismatched Libidos
Sexless Marriage Effect On the Husband
Sex is one of the things in long-term relationships that foster well-being, continuity, and strengthening of the bond between a husband and wife. When a husband no longer gets sex from their wife, they can experience some side effects.
Low self-esteem
While most men may not admit this, lack of sex at home affects their self-esteem. They see their wife’s lack of sexual desire as a sign of their lack of physical desire for the man. When a man’s sexual advances are constantly rejected at home, they are bound to start feeling undesirable.
Feeling of shame
Men often feel ashamed when sex is no longer served in their homes. This is especially common if the lack of sex is because of the man’s inability to rise to the occasion. The man will avoid any conversation about sex since they feel shame.
Feeling like a failure
A common sexless marriage effect on the husband is the feeling of failure. As it is often said, men are physical beings, and sexual interest is an important aspect of their sexuality. When a man is having regular sex, they develop a sense of fulfillment and see themselves as complete men. On the other hand, if a man cannot get their spouse interested in sex as often as they want, they eventually start feeling like they are not good enough.
Disconnection
Any couple in a sexless marriage will tell you that they feel disconnected from one another. For men, not having sex with their wives over a prolonged time will change their feelings and possibly develop these feelings for another woman willing to meet their sexual needs. This emotional disconnection is often a leading cause of infidelity in marriages.
Poor mental health
Anxiety, stress, and depression are also common sexless marriage effects on the husband. When a husband is denied sex at home for a long time, his mental health is likely to deteriorate from stress, overthinking, and inability to release the feel-good hormone from sex. Poor mental health can also stem from the man’s obsession with his inability to meet his spouse’s sexual needs.
Start to see the wife as just a roommate
Once sex stops being part of a marriage, how the man perceives and treats the wife also changes. With time, the two start coexisting like roommates and not a married couple since sexual intimacy is no longer present in the marriage. Without a sexual connection, it is difficult for a man to treat his wife with the same love, consideration, and care as he did before.
Feelings of loneliness
When a husband does not get his sexual needs met, he may feel lonely. This is often caused by the feeling of isolation stemming from the contract rejection. This is why many married men are lonely.
Isolation
When there is no sex between men and women in a marriage, a man will feel unworthy, lonely, stressed, and frustrated, making him want to self-isolate. This makes the issues worse since the man cannot express his emotions and feelings for fear of being misunderstood and neglected. They see it of no use to keep sharing since sexual intimacy is not there.
If you have been in a sexless marriage for a while and feeling a few or all these issues, it is safe to say that you are going through the effects of a sexless marriage.
Can a Marriage Survive Without Sexual Intimacy?
Yes, a marriage can survive with sexual intimacy.
However, this is only possible if both parties are no longer interested in sex.
If a couple is not having sex because of a low sex drive on one partner, or one partner is asexual, there is a chance the marriage may not survive unless they seek help from a sex therapist or counselor. This is especially if the union was founded on shared sexual experiences and not an emotional connection or friendship with one another.
The decision to not walk away and instead stay and make the love life work despite the sexual dysfunction lies solely on the two people in the relationship.
Sean Galla
Are You Spouses or
Just Roommates?
You've drifted into a sexless marriage.
Can this relationship be saved?
Yes, experts say.
There's no drama, no fighting. You've been together for years, raised kids and pets. The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. As months drift into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage.
Most married couples don't really know what to expect of a long-term relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. She is also director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.
"It's so normal to hit the doldrums. In a way, you should be smug about it," Solee tells WebMD. "You have a partner who is not bringing drama into your life. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut."
There's more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.
Schwartz is on the Health Advisory Board at WebMD, and author of several books including Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Signs you're in the marital doldrums:
"You're leading parallel lives, and don't see each other anymore," she tells WebMD. "You tell everything important to your friends but not to each other. Those are really big problems, and you've got to tend to them."
A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless marriage, Schwartz adds.
"If you're bitchy, if you treat each other with contempt, it's a warning sign. It may not happen all the time, but it happens often. It's because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped for."
In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains.
"Those deeper feelings have to be dealt with. I'm not talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has to be a refocusing on the relationship... a renewal of what this marriage is supposed to be."
The Anatomy of Love
First step: Be realistic. If you're looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. And a new partner certainly isn't the solution. Three years later, you'll have the same sizzle-less marriage you have right now.
"The initial passion of any relationship changes after 18 months," says Sallie Foley, MSW, director of the Center for Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. She is the author of Modern Love and Sex and Love for Grownups.
"It moves from the romantic and exciting to an attachment kind of loving, fondness," Foley tells WebMD. "That gotta have it, gotta have it feeling is gone."
Take stock of what you want, she advises. If you want a sex life, then commit to making it happen, Foley says.
"Not everyone wants a sex life as they head into last third of life. But AARP studies show that 65% remain sexually active."
Put aside the romanticized, silver-screen notions of sex, Foley says.
"The majority of people your age are having good-enough sex. Occasionally, they have sex that knocks it out of the ballpark. But they're having sex regularly. They're getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they're doing it on a regular basis."
You've also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse.
"You have to give up fantasy notions that he or she is suddenly going to be 20 pounds lighter with no cellulite. You have to decide, 'This is what I want, how do I proceed,'" she advises.
Then, have "the talk" with your spouse.
You have to be willing to say this to your partner:
"We need to jazz up our sex life. We have fallen into some bad habits. I'm not going to settle for this level. We need to have sex, the same as we do other things that are important to us. We have to set aside time for it.'"
He's Just Not Up for It?
If your partner is unwilling, here's your dialogue:
"We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight. I'm not willing to settle for a relationship where you sit in a chair, pop a few beers, and our sex life is over."
The stereotype of grumpy old men exists for a reason, Foley explains.
"With aging comes an increase in depression and irritability. Women complain to me -- I was ready to try these things, but I couldn't get my partner to do it."
Often, the irritability and crankiness is actually masking anxiety and depression. If your partner is downright snarly about it, then you've got to stand your ground. "This isn't the kind of thing in this day and age that people live with," she says.
"Our parents or grandparents may have lived that way, but we don't anymore."
With therapy and the right medication, the irritable anxiousness and depression can disappear. If your partner won't go to counseling, then you need to go alone, she says. "Counseling can help you figure out strategies to help yourself."
Put Sex on the Schedule
If you're both on the same page, it's time you put sex on the schedule. Think of it as exercise, your regular workout -- whatever time of day you choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley says.
"It's a very healthy thing for a partnership, there's no question about that," she tells WebMD. "People who have sex tend to feel closer, more intimate."
When you're over 40, there's definitely a "use it or lose it" aspect to sex, she adds. "That means you have to do it every day. You have to be committed to intimate time together. That doesn't mean every single time you take off your clothes and have sex. But set aside time just for the two of you."
Fall in Love Again
Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other.
"If you're bored, you can figure your partner is probably bored, too," says Solee.
"Think what would put excitement into your life. Take responsibility for doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself."
Take a cooking class together, take up kayaking or dancing -- or sign up for a sex workshop, she advises.
"Share each other's interests. Find new interests together. Single people can follow their own interests. You don't want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the doldrums, so don't let someone else fill it."
Trying something new requires a lot of focus -- and that's good for your sex life.
"It's like when you had kids, or bought your first house. People actually fall in love again."
Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says.
"The phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. You don't have to have an attitude of 'complete hot.' That's a big misconception."
Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you're over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. "When we're 20, it's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it -- then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal."
Also, your mind-set changes.
"As men get older, they get more focused on eroticism," she says. "They're much more interested in pleasure, in having the connection. Women start asking for what they want."
Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD.
"Most people think that if they've found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately. Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner."
Vibrators and Pills
Tools and toys are important, too.
Men: Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis can be effective in men with erection problems, but if you have certain medical conditions or are taking certain medicines, you may not be able to use them.
Ladies: Don't fret if you're not feeling desire right away. Enjoy the process of becoming aroused. A vibrator can help with that, she advises. "After menopause, they may need a more intense vibration, at least initially, if a woman hasn't been sexual in awhile. She may need a vibrator."
If vaginal dryness and pain are issues, look into topical lubricants and moisturizers, Foley adds.
Many vaginal products contain estrogen (which can come in cream, vaginal ring, and vaginal tablet formulation), which helps with dryness, irritation, and muscle tone in the area. If you cannot take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication.
Try a Marriage Retreat
Keeping your marriage on track -- sexually and otherwise -- requires good communications skills, Solee adds. A therapist can guide you toward improving those skills, possibly recommending a marriage retreat.
"It's not our differences that pull us apart, it's how we handle them," she tells WebMD."You need to really listen to your partner in a way he knows you love and respect him. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy."
Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and military bases, she adds.
Some workshops are intense group therapy for couples.
"Some are enrichment weekends -- you learn to massage each others' feet, or talk about sensuality. It depends on how deep your rift is, whether a therapist would recommend a lighter or deeper workshop," Schwartz says.
Group therapy lets you see the relationship more clearly.
"Often, people find it easier to give empathy to other people than to each other," she explains. "But once empathy is in the room, it kind of fills the room. It helps you give it to each other."
You learn from other couples in the room, Schwartz adds.
"Some people give voice to something you haven't been able to. It's different if it doesn't come from an authority figure. It becomes a discussion among equals. Other people can see things you may not see. If everybody looks at you and says, ‘Why are you being so hard on her?’ everything changes. You suddenly see, whoa, I am."
Jeanie Lerche Davis, Louise Chang
Getty Images
Reasons why couples drift apart and sex becomes non existent:
1. Sex Feels Like a Chore
The mental load of parenting, work, and daily responsibilities can make intimacy feel like just another task, draining it of excitement and connection.
2. Resentment and Lack of Respect
When one or both partners feels unseen or unsupported, resentment builds, making emotional and physical closeness nearly impossible.
3. Feeling Used or Rejected
Whether one partner feels desired only for sex or constantly turned down, both experiences can lead to emotional withdrawal and insecurity.
4. Loss of Emotional Intimacy
When communication breaks down and couples stop sharing thoughts, feelings, and desires, the gap between them grows.
The Shift: Seeing and Valuing Each Other Again
Rebuilding connection starts with differentiation recognising and appreciating each other as unique individuals. Instead of focusing on what’s lacking, shift toward understanding:
- Both partners need affection, attention, and validation, though we all express and receive love differently, so owning your side of the conflict shows emotional maturity.
- Dropping the blame narrative and seeing your partners perspective can soften resentment and open the door to reconnection.
Rupture and Repair
Sexless relationships often stem from unresolved conflicts, not just unmet needs.
Couples get stuck in cycles of rupture and repair, where arguments linger and resentment builds.
The key is not to avoid conflict but to navigate it differently
- Acknowledge your partner's feelings without immediately defending your own.
- Choose repair over being right.
- Break the cycle of blame by focusing on understanding instead of winning.
Rebuilding Intimacy
Steps Toward Connection:
1. Open CommunicationCreate regular check-ins to discuss feelings and desires without judgment.2. Rebuild Trust small consistent efforts help restore security in the relationship.3. Redistribute the Mental Load Balancing responsibilities prevents exhaustion and resentment.4. Cultivate Non-Sexual Intimacy prioritise touch, eye contact, and quality time.5. Address Resentments Bring unresolved issues to the surface and work through them together.6. Reignite Sexuality Explore fantasies, preferences, and ways to make intimacy enjoyable again.7. Argue Productively Stay on topic, avoid personal attacks, and always prioritise repair.8. Practice Empathy Try to see the situation from your partners perspective.
Every relationship goes through sexless seasons.
A lack of physical intimacy doesn’t have to mean the end - it’s an opportunity to strengthen the emotional foundation and build a connection that lasts.
Come out of the Power Struggle, give yourself healing time, be aware you are being triggered in this relationship, look at seeking help to move out of the struggle and to feel the real deal of harmony.
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