"Where do concepts such as monogamy/polyamoury, fidelity/cheating, commitment/non-commitment enter this equation? Where are the boundaries between integrating or rejecting these concepts and those of prudishness or promiscuity? Or am I asking the wrong questions, seeing it from the point of view of duality?"
That it’s an expression and that you may not literally see it this way...
The purpose here is not to create or destroy any moral framework... but only to give an opportunity for deep questioning so that one is in a better position to recognize the forces that influence our thinking, our emotions, our sense of self, our sensuality and our behavior. It is just a ‘considering’ – a contemplation – of the subject that is being shared – with no desire to shape a new conceptual edifice in anyone’s mind...It may be that dissolving some of our pre-conceptions about the body, pleasure, sensuality and sexuality will bring about some insight and liberation – a profound healing... but I wouldn’t want to present any of these considerations as a ‘new theoretical structure’.
There are no ready-made answers or formulas if you want to live in Freedom.
There are limitations that are imposed from outside which we can accept or reject... and there are self-made limitations which we must become conscious of before we are able to make a choice to accept or reject them.
So, it may sound like I am advocating a rejection of values, morals, ethics or social norms… But I am only advocating awareness. It is true however that many of our ‘values’, ‘morals’ and ‘ethics’ are 2nd hand acquisitions which we have no deep or coherent relationship with. The result of these considerations may indeed be ultimately a rejection of what had previously been assumed to be useful or ‘true’, but this is not the purpose as such.
Monogamy/polyamory... It’s an individual choice, isn’t it?
That is, unless we just conform to what our society and peers have predetermined to be ‘appropriate’ and ‘acceptable’ – in which case we forget (or try to forget) that there is a choice.
Monogamy...it may work for some people some of the time, but not for all people all of the time.
It is carried out in our society partly because of old religious custom, and in secular culture now it is maintained often because of social habit and the desire to be considered ‘normal’. Another reason for the popularity of monogamy is that (for many different reasons) people feel insecure about sharing their partners with other people.
Is polyamory compatible with fidelity and commitment?
Well, one way in which polyamory is defined is, “consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.” Which would imply that it can be compatible with fidelity if the ‘consensual’ aspect is truly respected. In other words, if the partners agree that it’s ok, then having other sexual partners is not, by definition, ‘infidelity’. Infidelity is literally a ‘betrayal of trust’.
Anything that is forbidden will tend to create a kind of perversion.
So as soon as monogamy is the ‘rule’ there will probably be great difficulty in maintaining it without at least some internal tension – a conflict of ‘interests’.
In relation to commitment or non-commitment...
a question that could be considered is, ‘commitment’ and ‘fidelity’ to who or what?
To me it makes sense for both (or however many there are) partners to have a total commitment to living life in a healthy, joyful, integrated way – honouring and integrating the many facets of their being, including their intuition, their physical rhythms, their desire to express and receive sexual and loving intimacy, or to be celibate, and being open and true to their greatest vision of who they are. With this self-respect and self-love and sensitivity to their ever-shifting needs as a dynamic (not dogmatic) basis, fruitful relationships full of compassion and respect for other beings will inevitably result.
However, when commitment and fidelity to the other person are given priority without this basis in wholeness and self-acceptance, then conflicts and little lies creep in – beginning with us hiding from or lying to ourselves about what we desire and why we desire it.
As soon as certain feelings and thoughts are ‘not allowed’ or are defined as ‘bad’, there is a conflict that starts to play out one way or another – sometimes only manifesting as a subtle but constant self-doubt – a conditional self-acceptance, a conditional self-love, a feeling of ‘unwholesomeness’ and disquiet.
Without trust it is very difficult for a profound relationship to develop.
This is one of the reasons why commitment to a partner can be important. Most of us develop trust slowly – gradually loosening our emotional armoring in order to become open and able to transcend our egoic self-knots, to be able to truly relate and commune with another being and with Life Itself.
When there is only promiscuity and no commitment to a stable relationship (whether it be monogamous or polyamorous) then there will tend to be only shallow relationships which may reflect an unwillingness to acknowledge one’s dark inner life of conditioned patterns.
In a deep and fulfilling relationship (which usually also brings many challenges), circumstances frequently mirror hidden aspects of our psyche to us providing great insights into our conditioning – which is extremely useful if we wish to express liberation.
Committed relationships are therefore sometimes recommended by spiritual teachers to help to bring about self-knowledge and compassion more quickly. After all, it is rare to be able to meet people and feel immediately a deep sense of trust and to be able to commune with them profoundly... but it can happen.
Peter Littlejohn Cook
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