The Wolf Who Cried Boy

 

Oh werewolf with woollen wings,

Whimpering in the willows.

Thou vile voice a vice grip

Stuffed inside her pillows.

Yours is a violent cry for help

One should never have to hear.

So dare come near, just know it clear.

Your fleer; my leer. For tears, jeers and

Featherweight fears will never break weirs that

Forever fill wells deeper than the darkest hole

You gouged in the lightest soul.

Your sword; her shield. My words; wounds healed.

I’m ever bending moonlight to set it right.

Go haunt yourself through a never ending night!

A single silver bullet shimmers in her sunlight.

The same one you shot upright.

Falling fast into the broken bed you made.

Now let it embed deep in your head. Well played.

There once was a wolf who cried “boy”. 

And once should have been enough. 

It’s time to torment yourself instead. 

Hurting her never made you tough.

desconhecido

Shadow Work

 

Mad Schmidt Rasmussen

All of us carry demons inside.

Sometimes we catch fleeting glimpses of them, sometimes we witness them in full frontal chaos. But for the most part, we ignore and bury their existence either out of fear, guilt or pure shame.

However, as tempting as it is to suppress our demons, discovering and owning them is a vital part of our spiritual journey.

As authors and psychotherapists Steve Wolf and Connie Zweig note:

Beneath the social mask we wear every day, we have a hidden shadow side: an impulsive, wounded, sad, or isolated part that we generally try to ignore.  The Shadow can be a source of emotional richness and vitality, and acknowledging it can be a pathway to healing and an authentic life.

In other words, the Shadow isn’t just the centrally wounded part of us, but it also provides a path toward a more authentic and fulfilling life. In order to heal and grow on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level, we need to practice Shadow Work.

Shadow Work is a practice that helps us to regain access to our innate wholeness. It works on the premise that you must completely befriend your Shadow, rather than avoiding or repressing it, to experience deep healing.

This daunting and often frightening task is a requirement of every person. But you don’t have to go at it alone.

In this long and detailed guide, I will offer you a helping hand. Having studied and worked with the Shadow for years, I’ll share with you some of the best tools, insights, and advice that I have gathered thus far.

Please note: Shadow Work exercises should not be undertaken if you struggle with low self-esteem. Exploring your demons will likely make you feel a million times worse about yourself and may spiral into self-hatred (especially if you’re going through the Dark Night of the Soul).

Before doing Shadow Work, I strongly and emphatically encourage you to work on cultivating Self-Love. Shadow Work should only be undertaken by those who have healthy and stable self-worth and a friendly relationship with themselves. Se e this article on how to love yourself for more guidance.

Why Focusing Only on the Light is a Form of Escapism

For most of my life, I’ve grown up firmly believing that the only thing worthy of guiding me was “light” and “love.”

Whether through the family environment I was raised in, or the cultural myths I was brought up clinging to, I once believed that all you really needed to do in life to be “happy” was to focus on everything beautiful, positive, and spiritually feel-good. I’m sure you were raised believing a similar story as well. It’s a sort of “Recipe for Well-Being” dictated by our culture.

But a few years ago, after battling ongoing mental health issues, I realized something shocking:

I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but completely and utterly off the mark. Focusing only on “love and light” will not heal your wounds on a deep level.

In fact, I’ve learned through a lot of deep inner work, that not only is focusing solely on the “light side of life” one side of the equation, but it is actually a form of spiritually bypassing your deeper, darker problems that, let me assure you, are basically guaranteed to exist.

It’s very easy and comfortable to focus only on the light side of life. So many people in today’s world follow this path. And while it might provide some temporary emotional support, it doesn’t reach to the depths of your being: it doesn’t transform you at a core level.

Instead, it leaves you superficially hanging onto warm and fuzzy platitudes, which sound nice but don’t enact any real change.

What DOES touch the very depths of your being, however, is exploring your Shadow.

What is the Human Shadow?

In short, the Shadow is our dark side, our lost and forgotten disowned self.

Your Shadow is the place within you that contains all of your secrets, repressed feelings, primitive impulses, and parts deemed “unacceptable,” shameful, “sinful,” or even “evil.”

This hidden place lurking within your unconscious mind also contains suppressed and rejected emotions such as rage, jealousy, hatred, greed, deceitfulness, and selfishness.

So where did the Shadow Self idea originate? The concept was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung. In Jung’s own words:

Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.

When the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to undermine and sabotage our lives. Addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses are all attributed to the Shadow Self.

When our Shadows are suppressed or repressed in the unconscious long enough, they can even overtake our entire lives and cause psychosis or extreme forms of behavior like cheating on one’s partner or physically harming others.

Intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs also have a tendency to unleash the Shadow.

Thankfully, there is a way to explore the Shadow and prevent it from devouring our existence, and that is called Shadow Work.

What is Shadow Work?

Shadow Work is the process of exploring your inner darkness or Shadow Self.

In essence, Shadow Work is the attempt to uncover everything that has been unconsciously hidden, disowned, and rejected within you and buried within your Shadow Self.

As mentioned previously, your Shadow Self is part of your unconscious mind and contains everything you feel ashamed of thinking and feeling, as well as every impulse, repressed idea, desire, and fear that, for one reason or another, you have “locked away” consciously or unconsciously. Often, this is done as a way of keeping yourself tame, likable, and “civilized” in the eyes of others.

So why do Shadow Work? The reason why we do this work is that without exploring what is hidden within us, we remain burdened with problems such as chronic anger, guilt, shame, fear, grief, and other issues like addictions, relationship meltdowns, and even spiritual maladies like existential depression or the Dark Night of the Soul. Shadow Work is the path to freedom.

All throughout the history of humanity, Shadow Work has played a powerful role in helping us discover what is at the root of our individual and collective mental illness, physical dis-ease, and even insanity, resulting in crimes of all kinds.

Traditionally, Shadow Work fell in the realm of the Shamans, or medicine people, as well as the priests and priestesses of the archaic periods of history. These days, Shadow Work falls more commonly in the realms of psychotherapy, with psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual guides, and therapists showing the way.

Do We All Have a Shadow Self?

Yes, we ALL have a Shadow Self (see our Collective Shadow article for a deeper explanation).

As uncomfortable as it may sound, there is a dark side within every human being. Why is this the case?

The reason why all human beings have a shadow is due to the way we were raised as human beings, often referred to as our ‘conditioning.’ (We’ll explore how the Shadow is formed in the next section of this article.)

“But I’m a good person! I don’t have a ‘shadow’ side,” you might be thinking. Well, the reality is that, yes, you might be a good person.

In fact, you might be the most generous, loving, and selfless person in the entire world. You might feed the hungry, save puppies, and donate half of your salary to the poor. But that doesn’t exclude you from having a Shadow.

There are no exceptions here. The nature of being human is to possess both a light and a dark side, and we need to embrace that.

Sometimes, when people hear that they have a Shadow side (or when it is pointed out), there is a lot of denial. We have been taught to perceive ourselves in a very two-dimensional and limited way.

We have been taught that only criminals, murderers, and thieves have a Shadow side. This black-and-white thinking is one of the major causes of our suffering.

If the thought of having a Shadow side disturbs you, take a moment to consider whether you have developed an idealized and unrealistic sense of self. Signs of an idealized or unrealistic sense of self include attitudes such as:

• “I’m not like those people, I’m better.”
• “I have never strayed.”
• “God is proud of me.”
• “Criminals and wrongdoers aren’t human.”
• “Everyone sees how good I am.”
• “I’m a role model.”
• “I should be validated and applauded for my good deeds.”
• “I don’t have bad thoughts, so why do others?”

Such perceptions about ourselves are unrealistic, unhealthy, and basically delusional. The only way to find inner peace, happiness, authentic love, self-fulfillment, and Illumination is to explore our Shadows.

How is Our Shadow Side Formed?

Your Shadow side was formed in childhood and is both (a) a product of natural ego development and (b) a product of conditioning or socialization. Socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.

When we are born, we’re full of vast, innocent, wide-eyed potential. As time goes on, we learn more and more to become a certain “type” of person.

Slowly, due to our circumstances and preferences, we begin to adopt certain character traits and reject others.

For example, if we’re born into a family that shows little interpersonal warmth, we will develop personality traits that make us self-sufficient and perhaps standoffish or mind-oriented. If we’re born into a family that rewards compliance and shuns rebellion, we will learn that being submissive works, and thus adopt that as part of our ego structure.

As authors and Jungian therapists Steve Price and David Haynes write:

But, as we develop our ego personality, we also do something else at the same time. What has happened to all those parts of our original potential that we didn’t develop? They won’t just cease to exist: they will still be there, as potential or as partly developed, then rejected, personality attributes, and they will live on in the unconscious as an alternative to the waking ego. So, by the very act of creating a specifically delineated ego personality, we have also created its opposite in the unconscious. This is the shadow. Everyone has one.

As we can see, developing the Shadow Self is a natural part of development.

But you also formed a Shadow due to social conditioning, i.e., your parents, family members, teachers, friends, religion, and society at large all contributed to the repression of some parts of you.

How?

Well, here’s the thing: polite society operates under certain rules. In other words, certain behaviors and characteristics are approved of, while others are shunned.

Take anger for example. Anger is an emotion that is commonly punished while growing up. Throwing tantrums, swearing, and destroying things was frowned upon by our parents and teachers. Therefore, many of us learned that expressing anger was not “OK.” Instead of being taught healthy ways to express our anger, we were punished sometimes physically (with smacks or being grounded), and often emotionally (withdrawal of love and affection).

There are countless behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that are rejected in society, and thus, are rejected by ourselves.

In order to fit in, be accepted, approved, and loved, we learned to act a certain way. We adopted a role that would ensure our mental, emotional, and physical survival.

But at the same time, wearing a mask has consequences. What happened to all the authentic, wild, socially taboo, or challenging parts of ourselves? They were locked in the Shadow.

What happens as we grow up?

Through time, we learn to both enjoy, and despise, our socially-approved egos because, on the one hand, they make us feel good and “lovable,” but on the other hand, they feel phony and inhibited.

Therapist Steve Wolf has a perfect analogy that describes this process:

Each of us is like Dorian Grey. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanour; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that do not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy — hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame — and those behaviours that are deemed wrong by the culture — addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency — thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming and invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it …

But while the Shadow Self may be portrayed as our “evil twin,” it is not entirely full of “bad” stuff. There is actually gold or goodness to be found within the Shadow.

What is the Golden Shadow?

Jung once stated that “the shadow is ninety percent pure gold.” 

What this means is that there are many beautiful gifts offered to us by our Shadow side if we take the time to look.

For example, so much of our creative potential is submerged within our darkness because we were taught to reject it when little.

Not everything within our Shadow is doom and gloom. In fact, the Shadow contains some of our most powerful gifts and talents, such as our artistic, sexual, competitive, innovative, and even intuitive aptitudes.

The ‘Golden Shadow’ also presents us with the opportunity for tremendous psychological and spiritual growth.

By doing Shadow Work, we learn that every single emotion and wound that we possess has a gift to share with us. Even the most obnoxious, “ugly,” or shameful parts of ourselves provide a path back to Oneness.

Such is the power of Shadow Work – it can be a challenging and disturbing journey at times, but it is ultimately a path to Spiritual Enlightenment or Illumination for the spiritual wanderer.

Ultimately, every spiritual path needs Shadow Work in order to prevent the issues from happening that we’ll explore next.

What Happens When You Reject Your Shadow?

When shadow-work is neglected, the soul feels dry, brittle, like an empty vessel. 

— S. Wolf

Rejecting, suppressing, denying, or disowning your Shadow, whether consciously or unconsciously, is harmful and dangerous.

The thing about the Shadow Self is that it seeks to be known. It yearns to be understood, explored, and integrated. It craves to be held in awareness.

The longer the Shadow stays buried and locked in its jail cell deep within the unconscious, the more it will find opportunities to make you aware of its existence.

Both religion and modern spirituality have a tendency to focus on the “love and light” aspects of spiritual growth to their own doom.

This over-emphasis on the fluffy, transcendental, and feel-good elements of a spiritual awakening results in shallowness and phobia of whatever is too real, earthy, or dark.

Spiritually bypassing one’s inner darkness results in a whole range of serious issues. Some of the most common and reoccurring Shadow issues that appear in the spiritual/religious community include pedophilia among priests, financial manipulation of followers among gurus, and, of course, megalomania, narcissism, and God complexes among spiritual teachers.

Other issues that arise when we reject our Shadow side can include:

• Hypocrisy (believing and supporting one thing, but doing the other)
• Lies and self-deceit (both towards oneself and others)
• Uncontrollable bursts of rage/anger
• Emotional and mental manipulation of others
• Greed and addictions
• Phobias and obsessive compulsions
• Racist, sexist, homophobic, and other offensive behavior
• Intense anxiety
• Chronic psychosomatic illness
• Depression (which can turn into suicidal tendencies)
• Sexual perversion
• Narcissistically inflated ego
• Chaotic relationships with others
• Self-loathing
• Self-absorption
• Self-sabotage

… and many others. 

This is by no means a comprehensive list (and there are likely many other issues out there). As we’ll learn next, one of the greatest ways we reject our Shadows is through psychological projection.

The Shadow and Projection (a Dangerous Mix)

One of the biggest forms of Shadow rejection is something called projection. Projection is a term that refers to seeing things in others that are actually within ourselves.

When we pair projection and the Shadow Self together, we have a dangerous mix.

Why?

Because as psychotherapist Robert A. Johnson writes:

We generally seek to punish that which reminds us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and we often ‘see’ these disowned qualities in the world around us.

There are many different ways we ‘punish’ those who are mirrors of our Shadow qualities.

We may criticize, reject, hate, dehumanize, or even, in extreme cases, physically or psychologically seek to destroy those on whom we project our Shadows (e.g., think of countries who go to war with the “enemies”).

None of us are innocent in this area. We have ALL projected parts of our rejected Shadow Selves onto others. In fact, Shadow projection is a major cause of relationship dysfunction and breakdown.

If we are seeking to bring peace, love, and meaning to our lives, we absolutely MUST reclaim these projections. Through Shadow Work, we can explore exactly what we have disowned.

12 Benefits of Shadow Work

Firstly, I want to say that I have the highest respect for Shadow Work. It is the single most important path I’ve taken to uncover my core wounds, core beliefs, traumas, and projections.

I have also observed how Shadow Work has helped to create profound clarity, understanding, harmony, acceptance, release, and inner peace in the lives of others.

It is truly deep work that makes changes on the Soul level, targeting the very roots of our issues, not just the superficial symptoms.

There is SO much to be gained from making Shadow Work a part of your life and daily routine. Here are some of the most commonly experienced benefits:

1. Deeper love and acceptance of yourself
2. Better relationships with others, including your partner and children
3. More confidence to be your authentic self
4. More mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity
5. Increased compassion and understanding for others, particularly those you dislike
6. Enhanced creativity
7. Discovery of hidden gifts and talents
8. Deepened understanding of your passions and ultimate life purpose
9. Improved physical and mental health
10. More courage to face the unknown and truly live life
11. Access to your Soul or Higher Self
12. A feeling of Wholeness

It’s important to remember that there are no quick fixes in Shadow Work, so these life-changing benefits don’t just happen overnight. But with persistence, they will eventually emerge and bless your life.

7 Tips For Approaching 

Shadow Work 

Before you begin Shadow Work, it’s important for you to assess whether you’re ready to embark on this journey. Not everyone is prepared for this deep work, and that’s fine. 

We’re all at different stages. 

So pay attention to the following questions and try to answer them honestly:

**Have you practiced self-love yet?** 

If not, Shadow Work will be too overwhelming for you. I have starred this bullet point because it is essential for you to consider. Shadow Work should not be attempted by those who have poor self-worth or struggle with self-loathing. In other words, if you struggle with severely low self-esteem, please do not attempt Shadow Work. I emphatically warn you against doing this. Why? If you struggle with extremely poor self-worth, exploring your Shadows will likely make you feel ten times worse about yourself. Before you walk this path, you absolutely must establish a strong and healthy self-image. No, you don’t have to think that you’re God’s gift to the world, but having generally “good” self-worth is important.

Are you prepared to make time? 

Shadow Work is not a lukewarm practice. You’re either all in or all out. Yes, it’s crucial to take a break from this work regularly. But Shadow Work requires gentle dedication and persistence. Are you willing to intentionally carve out time each day to look at your blind spots? Even just five minutes a day is a good start.

Are you looking to be validated or to find the truth? 

As you probably know by now, Shadow Work isn’t about making you feel special. It isn’t like typical spiritual paths, which are focused on the feel-good. No, Shadow Work can be brutal and extremely confronting. This is a path for truth seekers, not those who are seeking to be validated.

Seek to enter a calm and neutral space. 

It’s important to try and relax when doing Shadow Work. Stress and judgmental or critical attitudes will inhibit the process. So please try to incorporate a calming meditation or mindfulness technique into whatever you do.

Understand that you are not your thoughts. 

It’s essential for you to realize that you are not your thoughts for Shadow Work to be healing and liberating. Only from your calm and quiet inner Center (also known as your Soul) can you truly be aware of your Shadow aspects. By holding them in awareness, you will see them clearly for what they are, and realize that they ultimately don’t define you; they are simply rising and falling mental phenomena.

Practice self-compassion. 

It is of paramount importance to incorporate self-acceptance and self-compassion into your Shadow Work practice. Without showing love and understanding to yourself, it’s almost guaranteed that your Shadow Work will backfire and make you feel terrible. So focus on generating self-love and compassion, and you will be able to release any shame that binds you and finally embrace your humanity.

Record everything you find. 

Keep a written journal or personal diary in which you write down (or even draw) your discoveries. Recording your dreams, observations, and self-analysis will help you to learn and grow more effectively. You’ll also be able to keep track of your process and make important connections in the future.

How to Practice Shadow Work 

(7 Paths)

There are many Shadow Work techniques and exercises out there.

In the guide below, I will provide a few to help you start off. I’ll also share a few examples from my own life:

1. Pay attention to your emotional reactions

In this practice, you’ll learn that what you give power to has power over you. Let me explain:

One Shadow Work practice I enjoy a great deal is paying attention to everything that shocks, disturbs, and secretly thrills me. Essentially, this practice is about finding out what I’ve given power to in my life unconsciously, because:

Whatever we emotionally react to – whether good or bad – says a lot about us.

For example, by following where my “demons” have taken me – whether in social media, family circles, workspaces, or public places – I have discovered some important things about myself. The first one is that I have an issue with control; I hate feeling vulnerable, powerless, and weak . . . it quite simply scares the living hell out of me.

How did I discover this? Through my intense dislike of watching the thriller and horror genre, my negative reaction to novel experiences (e.g., roller coaster rides, public speaking, etc.), as well as my discomfort surrounding sharing information about my life with others in conversations.

Also, by following where my “demons” have guided me, I’ve discovered that I carry, on some level, a profound guilt complex that I developed through my religious upbringing.

A part of me wants to feel unworthy because that is what I’ve developed a habit of feeling since childhood (e.g., “You’re a sinner,” “It’s your fault Jesus was crucified,” etc.), and therefore, that is what I secretly feel comfortable with feeling: unworthy. So my mind nit-picks anything I might have done “wrong,” and I’m left with the feeling of being “bad.”

Thanks to this practice of paying attention to my emotional reactions, I’ve welcomed more compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness into my life.

Paying attention to your emotional reactions can help you to discover exactly how your core wounds are affecting you on a daily basis.

How to Pay Attention to Your Emotional Reactions

To effectively pay attention to your emotional reactions (I call it “following the trail of your inner demons”), you first need to cultivate:

1. Self-awareness

Without being conscious of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and saying, you won’t progress very far. Journaling is a wonderful way to cultivate more self-awareness.

If, however, you’re fairly certain that you’re self-aware (or enough to start the process), you will then need to:

2. Adopt an open mindset

Have the courage and willingness to observe everything that makes you feel uncomfortable and ask, “Why?”

What do I mean by everything that makes you feel “uncomfortable”? By this, I mean that, whatever riles, shocks, infuriates, disturbs, grosses out, or terrifies you, you must pay attention to. Closely.

Likely, you’ll discover surprising patterns emerging in your life. For example, you might be outraged or embarrassed every time sex appears in a TV show or movie you like (possibly revealing sexual repression or mistaken beliefs about sex that you’ve adopted throughout life).

Or you might be terrified of seeing death or dead people (possibly revealing your resistance to the nature of life or a childhood trauma). Or you might be disgusted by alternative political, sexual, and spiritual lifestyles (possibly revealing your hidden desire to do the same or even an inner bigoted side).

There are so many possibilities out there, and I encourage you to go slowly, take your time, and one by one, pick through what you emotionally react to.

The moment you emotionally react to something (reacting is different from responding) is the moment you have given that thing power over you. This practice of open awareness helps you to regain perspective, understanding, and access to your Shadow.

2. Artistically Express Your Shadow Self

Art is the highest form of self-expression and it’s also a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself.  Psychologists often use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves.

Start by allowing yourself to feel (or draw on any existing) “dark” emotions. Choose an art medium that calls to you, such as pen and pencil, watercolor, crayon, acrylic paint, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc., and draw what you feel.

You don’t need to consider yourself an “artist” to benefit from this activity. You don’t even need to consciously plan what you’ll create. Just let your hands, pen, pencil, or paintbrush do the talking. The more spontaneous, the better.

Artistic expression can reveal a lot about your obscure, darker half. Psychologist Carl Jung (who conceptualized the Shadow Self idea) was famous for using mandalas in his therapy sessions.

3. Start a Project

The act of creation can be intensely frustrating and can give birth to some of your darker elements such as impatience, anger, blood-thirsty competitiveness, and self-doubt.

At the same time, starting a project also allows you to experience feelings of fulfillment, invigorated energy, and joy.

If you don’t already have a personal project that you’re undertaking (such as building something, writing a book, composing music, or mastering a new skill), find something you would love to start doing.

Using self-awareness and self-exploration during the process of creation, you will be able to reap deeper insights into your darkness.

Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling and why?” Notice the strong emotions that arise during the act of creation, both good and bad. You’ll likely be surprised by what you find!

For example, as a person who considers myself non-competitive, that assumption has been challenged by the act of writing for and maintaining this website. Thanks to this Soul project, the Shadow within me of ruthless competitiveness has shown its face, allowing me to understand myself more deeply.

4. Write a Story or Keep a Shadow Journal

Goethe’s story Faust is, in my opinion, one of the best works featuring the meeting of an ego and his Shadow Self. 

His story details the life of a Professor who becomes so separated and overwhelmed by his Shadow that he comes to the verge of suicide, only to realize that the redemption of the ego is solely possible if the Shadow is redeemed at the same time.

Write a story in which you project your Shadow elements onto the characters – this is a wonderful way to learn more about your inner darkness! 

If stories aren’t your thing, keeping a journal or diary every day can shine a light on the darker elements of your nature. Reading through your dark thoughts and emotions can help you to recover the balance you need in life by accepting both light and dark emotions within you.

5. Explore Your Shadow Archetypes

We all have different varieties of Shadows within us, also called Shadow Archetypes. These archetypes are sometimes defined as:

• The Sorcerer
• The Dictator
• The Victim
• The Shadow Witch
• The Addict
• The Idiot
• The Trickster
• The Destroyer
• The Slave
• The Shadow Mother
• The Hag
• The Hermit

I have my own Shadow Archetype classification, which I will include below.

13 Shadow Archetypes

Here are my thirteen classifications, which are based on my own self-observations and analysis of others:

1.  The Egotistical Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.

2.  The Neurotic Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky/demanding/compulsive behavior.

3.  The Untrustworthy Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.

4.  The Emotionally Unstable Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: moody, melodramatic, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.

5.  The Controlling Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.

6.  The Cynical Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.

7.  The Wrathful Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.

8.  The Intolerant Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: uptight, rigid, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.

9.  The Glib Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: superficial, cunning, inconsistent, sly, crafty.

10.  The Cold Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.

11.  The Perverted Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: masochistic, depraved, sadistic, vulgar, libidinous.

12.  The Cowardly Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: weak-willed, passive, timid, fearful, untrustworthy.

13.  The Immature Shadow

Defined by the following qualities: puerile, childish, illogical, superficial, vacuous.

Keep in mind that the above Shadow Archetypes are by no means exhaustive. 

I’m sure that there are many others out there that I have missed. But you are free to use this breakdown to help you explore your own Shadows.

You’re also welcome to add to this list or create your own Shadow Archetypes, which I highly encourage. 

For example, you might possess a judgmental and dogmatic Shadow, who you call “The Nun,” or 

a sexually addicted Shadow, who you call “The Sex Addict.” 

Play around with some words and labels, and see what suits your Shadows the best.

6. Have an Inner Conversation

Also known as “Inner Dialogue,” or as Carl Jung phrased it, “Active Imagination,” having a conversation with your Shadow is an easy way to learn from it.

I understand if you might feel a twinge of skepticism towards this practice right now. After all, we’re taught that “only crazy people talk to themselves.”

However, inner dialogue is regularly used in psychotherapy as a way to help people communicate with the various subpersonalities that they have – and we all possess various faces and sides of our egos.

One easy way to practice inner dialogue is to sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and tune into the present moment. Then, think of a question you would like to ask your Shadow, and silently speak it within your mind. Wait a few moments and see if you ‘hear’ or ‘see’ an answer. Record anything that arises and reflect on it.

It’s also possible to carry on a conversation with your Shadow using this method. Just ensure that you have an open mindset. In other words, don’t try to control what is being said, just let it flow naturally. You’ll likely be in awe of the answers you receive!

Visualization is another helpful way of engaging in inner dialogue. I recommend bringing to mind images of dark forests, caves, holes in the ground, or the ocean, as these all represent the unconscious mind.

Always ensure that you enter and exit your visualization in the same manner, e.g., if you’re walking down a path, make sure you walk back up the path. Or if you open a particular door, make sure you close the same door when returning back to normal consciousness. This practice will help to draw you effortlessly in and out of visualizations.

7. Use the Mirror Technique

As we’ve learned, projection is a technique used by the ego to help us avoid the Shadow parts within that we’ve knowingly or unknowingly disowned.

However, we don’t only project the deeper and darker aspects of ourselves onto others, we also project our light and positive attributes.

For example, you may be attracted to another person who displays fierce self-assertiveness, not realizing that this is a quality that you secretly long to reunite with inside yourself.

Another common example (this time negative) is judgmentalism. How many times have you heard someone say, “He/she is so judgmental!” Ironically, the very person saying this doesn’t realize that calling another person ‘judgmental’ is actually pronouncing a judgment against them and revealing their own judgmental nature!

The Mirror Technique is the process of uncovering our projections. To practice this technique, we need to adopt a mindful and honest approach toward the world. We need to be prepared to “look in the mirror” and own that which we have disowned!

Another helpful mindset that we can adopt is that other people are our mirrors. In other words, we can understand that those around us serve as the perfect canvas onto which we project all of our unconscious desires and fears.

To start this practice, examine your thoughts and feelings about those you come in contact with. Pay attention to moments when you’re emotionally triggered and ask yourself, “What might I be projecting?”

Remember that it’s also possible to project our qualities onto another person who really does possess those same qualities. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “projecting onto reality.” For example, we might project our rage onto another person who is, in fact, a rage-filled person. Or we might project our jealousy onto another who genuinely is jealous.

Ask yourself, 

“What is mine, what is theirs, and what is both of ours?” 

Not every triggering situation reveals a projection, but more often than not, they do. Also, look for things you love and adore about others, and uncover the hidden projections there.

The Mirror Technique will help you to shed a lot of light on Shadow qualities that you have rejected, suppressed, repressed, or disowned.

Own Your Shadow and You Will Own Your Life

If you’re looking for serious, deep, authentic, and long-lived healing in your life, Shadow Work is the perfect pathway to experiencing profound inner transformation.

Remember that what you internalize is almost always externalized in one form or another.

Own your shadow and you will own your life.

Here are some final inspiring 

shadow work quotes:

The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves – our Shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of life’s most urgent projects. 

— Larry Dossey (Healing Words)

If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.

— Gail Sheehy

Who has not at one time or another felt a sourness, wrath, selfishness, envy and pride, which he could not tell what to do with, or how to bear, rising up in him without his consent, casting a blackness over all his thoughts … It is exceeding good and beneficial to us to discover this dark, disordered fire of our soul; because when rightly known and rightly dealt with, it can as well be made the foundation of heaven as it is of hell. 

— William Law

To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light.

— Carl Jung

Aletheia

in, LonerWolf

devils in the detail

 i suffer through restless nights

sleeping upright, feeling uptight

i dig my nails into the bedside

casting curses into the twilight

you might then find me among those fools

who walk the streets between dog and wolf

but there are devils in the detail

sprites that hide between the cracks

i pour over concrete slabs to find

their bright eyes peering back

and if i find them we might speak

and if we speak we might agree

they might agree to let me sleep

and i might let my demons be

Oliver Wilikers

Inner Child Work

Aryana Golchin

 

No matter how big or small, we’ve all experienced some kind of trauma as children.

These traumas can vary from having your favorite stuffed toy thrown in the trash, to being abandoned by your best childhood friend, to being physically or emotionally abused by your parents.

Inner child work is a vital component of the spiritual wanderer’s awakening journey because it reconnects us with a wounded element of ourselves: the child within.

When we reconnect with this fragmented part of ourselves, we can begin to discover the root of many of our fears, phobias, insecurities, and sabotaging life patterns. This is where true healing and liberation happens!

Most likely, you’ll be shocked by what you discover through the process of inner child work.

Instead of simply looking at a symptom of your pain, you’ll go right to the core to reveal when a fear, phobia, or certain life pattern first began.

This article is a wonderful place to start your inner child work. Go slowly and be gentle with yourself – and let that be the start of your inner child healing!

15 Types of Childhood Trauma

Firstly, it’s important to understand that there are many different types of childhood trauma. These include the physical (including sexual), emotional, and mental variety.

Also, when childhood trauma is severe, or repeated enough, it can result in what psychology calls dissociation and shamanic philosophy calls soul loss.

The solution to retrieving and integrating these fragmented parts of our being is called inner work (and soul retrieval forms a part of this process).

However, not all childhood trauma results in soul loss — but it often does result in a wounded psyche.

This wounding can trigger issues such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, phobias, destructive behavioral patterns, and even chronic illnesses.

Fifteen common examples of childhood trauma include:

1. Being hit or smacked by your parents/grandparents/caretakers
2. Having an emotionally unavailable parent who withholds affection
3. Being “punished” by kicking, shaking, biting, burning, hair pulling, pinching, scratching, or “washing out the mouth” with soap
4. Being the recipient of molestation, shown pornography, or any other type of sexual contact from a parent, relative, caretaker, or friend
5. Being the child of divorce
6. Being given inappropriate or burdensome responsibilities (such as caring for your parents)
7. Not being fed or provided a safe place to live from your parents/caretakers
8. Abandonment (your caretakers leaving you alone for long periods of time without a babysitter)
9. Emotional neglect, i.e., not being nurtured, encouraged, or supported
10. Being deliberately called names or verbally insulted
11. Denigration of your personality
12. Destruction of personal belongings
13. Excessive demands
14. Humiliation
15. Car accidents, or other spontaneous traumatic events

There are many more examples of childhood trauma, but I just wanted to provide you with a few to give you an idea of what inner child work deals with.

It’s also important to remember that our parents weren’t the only ones responsible for provoking childhood trauma — our grandparents, brothers, sisters, extended family members, family friends, teachers, and childhood friends may have also played a part.

Inner Child Work and Spiritual Awakening

Why is working with the inner child essential on the spiritual wanderer’s journey of awakening?

The answer is that our deepest wounds are carried by the child within. These wounds create tensions, blockages, or contractions within our hearts, minds, and bodies.

When we’re internally contracted, we also become trapped in a tightly bound separate self, also known as the ego. (This can also later contribute to triggering a Dark Night of the Soul.)

As you may or may not already know, the ego is the source of our suffering as it creates the illusion that we’re cut off from our True Nature.

When our inner child is stuck in pain, it fuels this contracted ego. And so, inner child work is a vital practice on the spiritual journey, for, with it, we heal, evolve, and awaken.

What is Inner Child Work?

This leads us to explore the definition of inner child work:

Inner child work is the process of contacting, understanding, embracing, and healing your inner child. Your inner child represents your first original self that entered into this world; s/he contains your capacity to experience wonder, joy, innocence, sensitivity, and playfulness.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that forces us to repress our inner child and “grow up.”

But the truth is that while most adults physically “grown-up,” they never quite reach emotional or psychological adulthood.

In other words, most “grown-ups” aren’t really adults at all. This leaves most people in a state of puerile fears, angers, and traumas that fester away in the unconscious mind for decades.

When we deny and snuff out the voice of the child within, we accumulate heavy psychological baggage. This unexplored and unresolved baggage causes us to experience problems such as mental illnesses, physical ailments, and relationship dysfunction.

In fact, it could be said that the lack of conscious relatedness to our own inner child is one of the major causes of the severe issues we see in today’s society.

From the brutal way we treat the environment, to the cruel way we talk to ourselves, we have become completely separated from our original innocence.

Inner Child Work: 

5 Ways to Heal 

Deep-Rooted Trauma

Learning to work with your inner child isn’t about becoming childish again; it is about reconnecting with your childLIKE side.

In other words, there is a big difference between being childish and childlike.

Being childish can be thought of as behaving in an immature or naive way. Being childlike, on the other hand, can be thought of as a state of purity and innocence.

We all have the capacity to experience our original innocence, that period in our lives when we saw the world with openness and wonder.

To remove the guilt, shame, fear, hatred, self-loathing, and anger that we carry within us, we have to heal the child within. To do this, we must earn the trust of our inner child through love and self-nurturing.

Here are five of the most powerful but simple ways to perform inner child work:

1. Speak to your inner child

Acknowledge your inner child and let them know that you’re there for them. Treat them with kindness and respect.

Some self-nurturing things you could say to your inner child each day include, for example:

• I love you.
• I’m here for you.
• I’m sorry.
• Thank you.
• I forgive you.

Make a habit of talking to your inner child. You could also communicate through journal work by asking your inner child a question and then writing down the response.

2. Practice the mirror gazing technique

Also known as mirror work, the mirror gazing technique is a simple but powerful way to reconnect with your inner child.

This is a superb healing path to use alongside the previous point (speaking to your inner child), as it allows you to open your heart in an extremely direct way.

To try this practice, ensure that you have some privacy. You need a fairly neutral state of mind (i.e., don’t attempt this when you’re depressed or stressed). Find a mirror, place a gentle hand on your heart, and gaze softly at yourself. Do this for at least five minutes.

You’ll notice that thoughts and even unexpected emotions come to the surface at first. Just let them pass. Don’t attach to them. See them as clouds in the sky. And remember, it’s okay to hold yourself, especially if feelings of grief emerge.

Then, once you feel ready, call on your inner child. You may do this by speaking out loud or quietly in your brain.

Once you sense the presence of your inner child emerge in your eyes, say something kind and loving to this vulnerable part of you.

For example, you might say, “I see you,” “I’m so proud of you,” “I think you’re brave and strong,” or whatever appeals to you. Notice what feelings arise inside of you.

Most essentially, take this as a key opportunity to practice self-love and self-compassion – particularly if difficult or intense feelings arise.

To finish this practice, give yourself a hug, and let your inner child know anything else on your heart and mind. Journal about your experience.

3. Look at pictures of yourself as a child

Go through old photo albums and rediscover what your younger self looked like. Let that image burn into your brain because it will serve you well throughout the rest of your inner child work.

You might even like to put photos of yourself next to your bedside table, in your wallet, or around the house just to remind yourself of your inner child’s presence.

4. Reparent your inner child by recreating what you loved to do as a child

Sit down and think about what you loved to do as a child. Maybe you liked climbing trees, playing with toy blocks, cuddling toy bears, or eating warm porridge with raisins. Make time to include whatever activity you loved to do as a child in your present life.

You can also make a habit of asking your inner child what they want or need from you right now. Journaling, drawing pictures, and meditation can all help you access your little one’s internal voice.

Through inner child work, people have told me that they’ve connected to sides of themselves that they never even knew existed as adults. More energy, vitality, spontaneity, creativity, and joy are just some of the positive side effects.

Reparenting quite literally means parenting our inner child all over again as adults – or being the mother, father, or caregiver we always wanted and needed growing up.

Every form of inner child work is a direct or indirect form of reparenting. But often, people love starting this process by making it fun and ‘treating’ their inner kiddo to what they were deprived of growing up or simply need/desire at the moment.

Remember to be a wise parent to yourself and set limits where necessary. For instance, if your inner child loved eating entire bars of chocolate or getting loads of presents growing up, a boundary can be set here.

You wouldn’t want to go eating entire bars of chocolate or spending all your money on buying presents for yourself as an adult, would you? Find a mutually satisfactory place of compromise that makes both your adult and child sides happy.

5. Go on an inner meditation or visualization journey

One of the most powerful ways to reconnect with your inner child and heal childhood traumas is to go on an inner journey.

For beginners, I recommend two types of inner journeys: those done through meditation, and those done through visualization.

To do these inner journeys, it’s important that you first gain the trust of your inner child through the previous activities.

Once you have developed a strong connection to your inner child, you can then ask her to reveal what earlier life circumstances created the trauma you’re struggling with today.

How to do a meditation journey:

Connecting to your inner child through meditation is a passive process: simply breathe deeply, relax, allow yourself to witness your thoughts, and ask a question. For example, you might like to ask, “Dear inner child, when was the first time I experienced trauma in my life?”

Allow yourself to witness the thoughts that rise and fall within your mind. Your inner child may or may not decide to reveal the answer to you.

Remember to be patient, loving, and accepting. If your inner child doesn’t want to reveal the answer, embrace that. It’s important that your inner child feels safe, secure, and ready.

You might like to repeat your question every now and then if nothing of significance arises in your mind. This process could take anywhere from a couple of minutes to 1 hour or more, so give yourself a lot of space.

Tips — To successfully complete the inner child meditation journey, you’ll need to have a little experience meditating. Learning to witness your thoughts can take a lot of practice, so if you’re not used to meditating, you might struggle with this technique.

How to do a visualization journey:

A more active way to connect with your inner child and earlier life traumas is through visualization.

To connect with your inner child through visualization, you must create a “power place” or safe place for them to feel secure within.

To do this, visualize a beautiful garden or any place in which you feel safe, empowered, and whole. After entering your power place, you can then invite your inner child to speak with you.

Here are a few steps:

• Relax, close your eyes, and breathe deeply.
• Imagine you’re walking down a staircase.
• At the bottom of the staircase is your power place or safe place. In this place, you feel strong, safe, and supported.
• Spend a bit of time in your power place. Soak it in. What does it look, smell, and sound like?
• After you have acquainted yourself with your power place, imagine that your younger self has entered, perhaps through a door or waterfall.
• Hug your younger self if they feel comfortable (ask them permission), and make them feel at home.
• When you’re ready, ask your inner child your question, for example, “How can I best meet your needs today?” You might like to phrase the question in child terminology.
• Await their response.
• At the end, offer them a hug if they want one, thank them, and let them know how much they mean to you.
• Say goodbye to them.
• Leave your power place and ascend up the stairs.
• Return to normal consciousness.

These are very basic steps, but they provide a helpful outline for how to perform an inner child visualization journey.

Remember: This is Powerful Work

As children, we perceived the world very differently from our adult selves. Because of this, many of the things we presently assume never hurt us as children may have left deep scars. This is why it’s important to never make assumptions about your inner child.

Through inner child work, you can learn to grieve, heal, and resolve any sources of trauma you’ve been unconsciously holding on to for years. This can liberate you to live a life of true adulthood, emotional balance, spiritual maturity, and well-being.

Aletheia

in, LonerWolf

Howl in the Dark

 I smell the wild on you.

How the snow is caked in your fur.

When the night falls, what does

It offer besides survival.

And the means to be something

besides human.

We're stuck here somewhere where

The earth has broken.

And the cold envelopes everything it

Touches.

You stand there in the snow

Teeth bared.

Not afraid to go at it once more.

I've grown tired, so very tired.

Your eyes burn the snow.

That fierce longing to stay alive.

What else does the night offer,

We've consumed pretty much

everything else except each other.

And I am tired of fighting.

Nothing pretty survives out here alone,

In the dark.

Together, you and I nestled in each other's warm.

When hunger subsides.

We'll find it in each other.

Kewayne Wadley

SELF-LOVE

There are simply no shortcuts here.

For example:

1. How can you learn how to love yourself more when your mind is literally at war with itself?
2. How can you learn to love yourself when you hate what you see in the mirror?
3. How can you learn how to love yourself when your environment is positively toxic and depressing?
4. How can you learn how to love yourself when you have no positive role models?
5. How can you learn how to love yourself more when people label you as being selfish and neglectful?
6. How, how, how?

While I don’t profess to know all the answers, I do know that there’s no magical wand that suddenly makes you more self-loving.

After being on this path for years, moving from literal physical self-harm to a daily self-compassion practice, working through a lot of my deep-seated trauma, and helping others to do the same, I’ve had some big realizations and breakthroughs.

What is Self-Love?

In short, self-love is the practice of unconditional compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, and respect for yourself – all of your beautiful and wounded parts included.

When you love yourself, you take care of yourself, honor your limitations, listen to your needs, and respect your dreams enough to act on them.

When you love yourself, your happiness, health, and fulfillment are all of the supreme importance because you realize that by loving yourself, you’re also able to love others more wholly and fully.

18 Profound Benefits of Self-Love

Self-love illuminates, improves, and deepens every aspect of life. Here are some of the many benefits of learning how to love yourself more:

1. More tolerance of your flaws and weaknesses
2. Heightened self-confidence
3. Increased self-forgiveness
4. Healthier mindset (and less self-sabotaging thoughts)
5. Improved ability to discover and fulfill your personal destiny
6. Increased love, acceptance, and compassion for yourself
7. More love, acceptance, and compassion for others
8. Improved relationships
9. Better friendships
10. More satisfying work life
11. More authentic connections with people
12. Enhanced joy and gratitude for life
13. Increased playfulness, creativity, and spontaneity
14. Higher levels of self-trust
15. Healthier and wiser choices
16. Increased access to new opportunities
17. Improved mental health (and less anxiety + depression)
18. Deeper access to one’s Soul and spiritual path

I could probably go on for another few pages. But these are the most immediate benefits that come to mind.

Perhaps what is most satisfying about learning how to love yourself more is that it opens your heart, giving you access to your deeper, truer self – your Soul.

Why is it So Hard For Us to Love Ourselves?

The short answer to this questions is that most of us were raised in a society (and likely a family) that failed to teach us about self-love.

All throughout our early lives, we were taught how to read, write, calculate, build, theorize, study, and analyze life. We were taught how to say “please” and “thank you,” as well as what was acceptable and unacceptable to others and society at large … but most of us were never educated in one essential dimension of life: self-love.

Something that continues to shock me about my own upbringing was the distinct lack of emphasis on growing healthy self-acceptance and self-worth.

As a child I never can recall being taught the value of loving oneself, setting healthy boundaries, knowing how to say “no” and “yes” when you mean it, and learning to take care of yourself. Instead, I was taught how to be a good martyr; sacrificing my mental and emotional health for the needs of others. And while I don’t blame my family (because they were a product of their own times), I can see how neglecting to love myself led to a cascade of mental, emotional, and physical problems.

If you were raised in a culture and society similar to my own, you were probably conditioned in a similar way to “put others before yourself” and not give much consideration to your own needs.

Typically, self-denial and self-sacrifice are the two main values taught in our childhoods and continue to be elevated as the markers of a “kind, caring, and worthy human being” to this very day.

Unfortunately, what I learned later in life was that these two values (self-denial and self-sacrifice) taught me nothing more than the profound emotional and psychological pain of being a self-imposed martyr with no real understanding of how to take care of myself – or others for that matter!

The result of not being taught the value of self-love in childhood and adopting the socially acceptable guise of being a martyr is depression, bitterness, anxiety, resentment, and profoundly flimsy self-esteem.

However, even though you may not have been taught how to love yourself growing up, the door of opportunity is still open to you.

But before we walk through that door, let’s explore one massive myth associated with self-love (and perpetuated by the same society that taught you to be an externally-focused martyr).

Is Self-Love Selfish?

Every now and then you may hear explicitly stated or implied that self-love is selfish.

Perhaps you live in a family that condemns any form of self-care and celebrates toxic self-sacrifice and martyrdom instead. Or maybe you work in an environment where self-love is scoffed at or seen cynically.

Whatever the case, it’s important to nip this massive misconception in the bud.

Self-love isn’t selfish. 

Why? Because without taking care of yourself, you are incapable of truly taking care of others.

Self-love actually benefits other people, not just yourself. When you’re able to genuinely love and accept yourself, you’re able to love and accept others much more fully.

To use an analogy, how can an empty cup be used to quench the thirst of another? It’s impossible. Likewise, it’s impossible for us to give love if we haven’t first filled ourselves. Simple.

It’s a well-known psychological fact that mistreatment of yourself results in the mistreatment of others. As professor of educational psychology Kristin Neff writes:

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d show to a good friend. When faced with difficult life struggles, or confronting personal mistakes, failures, and inadequacies, self-compassion responds with kindness rather than harsh self-judgment, recognizing that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

So the next time you start feeling guilty for dedicating time to yourself or caring for your own needs, remind yourself that by practicing self-love you’re actually strengthening your ability to love others. 

What Science Says About Self-Love

Numerous studies have shown that learning how to love ourselves is beneficial.

Here are some examples of findings that have been discovered:

• Self-acceptance is the key to living a happier life 
• Self-compassion results in making better health decisions 
• Self-kindness results in less anxiety and depression
• Self-compassion reduces the stress that leads to procrastination 
• Self-care can help you reach your goals 
• Self-love can support you through adversity 

Contrary to popular belief, learning how to love yourself isn’t new age woo woo – it is actually one of the smartest decisions you can ever make in your life.

The Dark Side of Self-Love

Yes, learning how to love yourself more might feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

But it’s not always sunshine and roses.

The truth is that most people may not in truth want to support you (however, there are some exceptions, so hold onto those people!).

Not only that, but society at large will continue to bombard you with toxic subliminal messages, such as:

1. You have to make people like and accept you.

2. You have to put other’s needs above your own all the time with no exception.

3. You have to conform to the status quo and fit in.

And when it comes to the people around you, you might pick up on this unspoken message:

4. You have to be unhappy and discontent – just like us. 

The reality is that most people don’t like being truly happy: instead, they prefer comfort, stability, security, and control.

Why? Because safety and predictability is the most comfortable way to live according to dominant sociocultural standards.

Unfortunately, the childlike mindset of needing to seek safety is precisely what makes (most) people so hesitant and blatantly (or subtly) resistant to support your self-love journey.

You Become a Threat: 

 

When you walk the path less traveled, you directly contradict what others have invested so much of their lifetime effort into: cultivating comfort and mediocrity.

Inevitably, you become a threat.

By challenging people to reconsider their choices, actions, and mindsets through your behavior, you unintentionally trigger self-doubt and therefore fear in others. And very few people are brave enough to honestly look at themselves and change.

At some point we have to face the (rarely mentioned) truth that when you start practicing self-love, you become a social heretic. You stick out. You stop fitting in. You cease being one of the misery-loves-company crew who thrive on self-pity and cynicism.

And suddenly this puts you in a very uncomfortable position, a position where you have to choose between taking the narrow path, or the wide and easy path.

Some of us give up. Others of us persist, but end up withering away under the weight of social pressure. Both of these struggles are totally understandable and normal. Thankfully life gives us many choices to bounce back and reorient our paths.

For those of us who do manage to get back up and continue on that winding path, it’s inevitable that we’ll find ourselves pushing against what feels like a never-ending onslaught of “you’re not good enough,” “you should be like us,” “you aren’t worth it,” “you’re so selfish.”

But it gets easier with time and practice, I promise.

Loving yourself, truly and deeply loving yourself in this era, is a breathtaking accomplishment.

In fact, I’d say you deserve a downright party thrown in your honor just for having the guts to walk this path!

How to Prevent Others From Dragging You Down

As we’ve just explored, you’ll inevitably be faced with people who disagree, disapprove of, or outright challenge your desire to make self-love a way of life.

Here’s how to see the bigger picture and stop them from bringing you down:

1. Realize that other people are scared and in pain

One big element of learning how to love yourself more is training yourself to not take other’s treatment of you personally.

Ask yourself, how can a person who only knows self-sacrifice and self-abandonment give you approval and acceptance? That’s like expecting a baby to climb a mountain. It doesn’t happen, and it can’t happen.

Therefore, what’s the point of getting wound up and unhappy over the people in your life who not only don’t support you but also speak against you? Unfortunately, their very actions speak of their abject lack of self-love. Isn’t that so very sad?

Most people not only fail to possess self-love, but they’re also caught up in an Underworld of fear and pain. Fear and pain are sourced from the illusion that we’re separate from Life – that we’re humans having a life experience, rather than Life itself having a human experience.

Once you realize that people are basically scared and in pain a lot of the time, it takes out the harsh sting from their disapproving stares and mistreatment of you. It also frees up the energy within you to provide yourself with even more self-love.

Once this realization hits you (in the heart, not just the head), you eventually stop reacting to their negativity and start feeling compassion for them instead. And it’s this precise compassion that befuddles them, yet is also sometimes enough to motivate them to try the same path.

2. Realize that how other people treat you is a reflection of how they treat themselves

It hurts to be the only one in your social circle trying to take responsibility for your life. It hurts to be rejected by your friends, family, or both because you’re taking a different path.

Learning how to love yourself more undeniably HURTS BADLY sometimes, and other times it feels blissful and wondrous. But if there’s any lesson you can take away from the way people treat you, it is this: their actions mirror how they treat themselves.

Do you think that a person who mistreats you thinks they’re superior to you? More often than not the answer is a big fat “no.” They mistreat you because they are threatened by you in some way, shape, or form. Unless they are clinically diagnosed narcissists or psychopaths, most people are deeply insecure and fearful, not simply nasty for the sake of it.

The more you go against the grain, the more threatening you become to such insecure people. Understanding this, your ability to practice self-love becomes much easier.

Is it Possible to “Love Yourself Unconditionally”?

Unless you’ve reached a high level of spiritual maturity or some kind of nondual state of Oneness (and even then, such experiences fluctuate), then self-love isn’t generally something that comes naturally. Instead, you must work for it.

As spiritual beings having a human experience, our lives are characterized by highs, lows, and plateaus.

In some periods of our lives, we’ll celebrate who we are and feel confident in our abilities. In other periods (aka., during a life crisis or even Dark Night of the Soul), we’ll feel insecure, ugly, fat, messy, unlovable, and altogether shitty. This is all NORMAL. In fact, you might go through this cycle within one week or even a day!

The important thing here is to embed self-love deeply into your daily inner work or spiritual practice. Then, when the time comes and you’re challenged, you’ll be able to practice mindfulness and awareness. Instead of getting swept up in self-loathing, you’ll be capable of practicing self-compassion. Instead of neglecting your body, you’ll know when to practice self-care.

(And even if you do struggle to practice self-love during these darker moments – which happens to all of us – you’ll be more prone to catching and stopping the tirade of negative thoughts in your mind.)

Yes, you might occasionally experience mystical moments of complete self-love and acceptance – but these are fleeting moments that don’t last. To make self-love and acceptance more of a consistent experience, you have to practice it consciously every.single.day. No excuses!

So the message here is this:

Don’t be upset if you alternate between self-love and self-hatred. Having “unconditional self-love” is an unrealistic standard – it’s normal to go through ups and downs. But the more you practice embracing yourself each and every day, the more you’ll be able to deal with what life throws at you.

Relax.

Give yourself a break.

Remember that “attaining” self-love can be just another thing you use to beat yourself up and feel like a failure. 

So slow down. Go easy on yourself. And as author Matt Kahn writes, “Whatever arises, love that.” These words essentially mean that you can practice accepting and forgiving all things that arise in you, even (and especially) including your insecurity, shame, guilt, and self-judgment.

How to Love Yourself More 

(7 Practices)

Let’s get to the practical meat and bones here. Here are the seven life lessons I’ve learned about how to love yourself more:

1. Learn to be discerning and say “NO, that’s not true”

You’ll hear a lot of blatant and subliminal messages on your path.

You’ll be told that your body isn’t slim enough, your face isn’t pretty enough, your personality isn’t charming enough, making mistakes is unacceptable, taking care of your needs is selfish … yadda, yadda, yadda.

Not all of these false and unhealthy perceptions will be immediately obvious. Some of them will creep into your mind and belief system, and pollute your self-perception. In fact, many of these toxic perceptions probably have already.

Not many people talk about discernment when it comes to learning how to love yourself more.

“Discernment” is largely a dull-sounding word, but it is SO important. For instance, how can you tell truth from lies without learning how to be discerning?

To learn how to be discerning you need to question everything. Yes, this can be tiring, but it’s worth every ounce of your effort. Why? The answer is that being discerning will help you to sort through a lot of mental rubbish, antiquated beliefs, and harmful ideals.

Learning to say “NO, that’s not true” or ask, “Is that actually true?” helps you to discover what the truth actually is. And the truth is always grounded in love (but again, you will have to discover this for yourself).

The more discernment and therefore clarity you have, the more you’ll be able to support and care for yourself.

2. Be your own best friend

Are you your own mortal enemy?

If most of us spoke to others the way we spoke to ourselves, we’d be universally hated!

You’re with yourself 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and you are with yourself through all the glory and all the pain. Doesn’t it make sense to be best friends with yourself? Wouldn’t that make your life so much easier?

To practice self-love, it’s important for us to consciously change our relationships with ourselves, and treat ourselves with compassion and consideration just as we would with a best friend.

So my question for you is this: how close are you with yourself? Do you give yourself pep talks as a best friend would? Do you treat yourself to fun and exciting activities you love? Are you there to hold your own hand when things get messy?

If your answer is “no” or “rarely” or even “sometimes” it’s time to do things differently. Explore what it feels like being your own best friend. What one activity can you do this week that honors this philosophy?

3. Change the way you perceive your flaws

As spiritual teacher Jeff Foster puts it:

Don’t judge your sadness, your depression, your feelings of unworthiness so quickly, and don’t judge the sorrows of another, for you really don’t know what’s best for anyone, for you really don’t know more than life itself. That which you reject (in another or in yourself) may actually be much-needed medicine, a misunderstood teacher, inviting you to a self-love deeper than you ever thought possible. It may be a threshold guardian, a gatekeeper of a forgotten kingdom!

Instead of seeing our guilt, jealousy, anger, fear, and sadness as a terrible curse, see them as opportunities to grow. Realize that everyone struggles with these universal human emotions. We ALL feel insecure at times, and that’s perfectly okay.

I remember how difficult it was for me to change the way I perceived my imperfection. Every time someone pointed out a flaw of mine or criticized me in any way, I would feel depressed, angry, and defensive.

One day, my partner said, 

“Instead of getting all sad and mopey, why not see this as an opportunity to grow?” 

To be honest, I wanted to punch him in the face right there and then. But after a few months, I thought “what the hell!” and gave it a try.

What a vast difference it made to my life! Instead of getting defensive, I would feel the sting to my ego but another part of me would feel gratitude, gratitude for the chance to grow.

So give this mindset switch a try. See what happens when you start perceiving your imperfection as an opportunity to grow. See what happens when you meet inner challenges with gratitude.

4. Practice loving all that arises and healthy self-judgment

Critical self-judgment is the antithesis of self-love. The core reason why we struggle so much with self-love in the first place is that we judge and reject ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong. Self-judgment isn’t always a bad thing. We need to be able to measure up our ability to achieve certain tasks at work, as well as understand our strengths and weakness to make smart choices. Not only that, but self-judgment can actually save our lives (e.g., deciding not to drive after judging that we’re too drunk) and it also prevents us from being assholes if we need to change our behavior.

But, here’s the thing. Self-judgment becomes toxic when it’s used to negatively minimize, bad-mouth, shame or otherwise harm ourselves.

Unfortunately, most of us are in the habit of misusing self-judgment. Thanks to our conditioning as children, it’s actually socially acceptable to be abusive toward ourselves because that’s what everyone else has been doing for a long time.

One powerful – but not necessarily easy – practice, is learning to love all that arises within you. When I write “love” what I mean is embracing and accepting the comfortable and uncomfortable things within you.

As writer and teacher Matt Kahn explains:

Instead of trying to shift your feelings, just love the one who can’t stop feeling. Instead of trying to resolve each fear, simply love the one who’s always afraid.

Instead of trying to not take things personally, just love the one who came here to make like personal. Instead of trying to prove your worth, simply love the one who feels worthless, lost, ashamed, and alone.

Instead of trying to leap forward in evolution, just love the one who feels left behind. Instead of having something to prove, simply love the one who came here to play.

Instead of bossing yourself around and measuring your progress through spiritual obedience, just love the one who refuses to listen. Instead of trying to believe, simply love the one in doubt. Instead of trying whatever you attempt, just love the one who needs permission to be.

Whatever arises – love that.

This seemingly ‘simple’ acceptance practice actually takes a lot of effort and can be strengthened through daily practices such as contemplation, mindfulness, and meditation. You can apply this philosophy to anything in life – even the inability to love all that arises is an opportunity to forgive and accept yourself!

However, as a side note, acceptance must be balanced with judgment. If we’re physically abusive toward our partners, for example, we obviously don’t want to “accept” that behavior – that would be spiritual bypassing and a blatant misuse of this self-love concept.

Serious self-judgment of our actions needs to be brought into the picture, particularly when we’re being toxic or harmful toward others. In this case, judgment can actually be a form of self-love that prevents us from further hurting others, and therefore ourselves.

5. Learn the art of self-care

Most of us are terribly disconnected from our bodies, minds, hearts, and Souls.

We live in a world that encourages us to be externally-focused and outwardly driven.

On the other hand, learning how to love yourself is about going in the opposite direction and taking your energy and directing it inwards.

There are endless ways to practice self-care. I explore 39 different ideas in my self-care article, but to get you started, I recommend starting with your body.

Spend time each day connecting with your physicality and explore what you need. Perhaps you’re tired and need more sleep, maybe your muscles ache and you need to do some stretches, or you might even need a good nutritious meal.

These practices may seem simple, but they send a very direct and powerful message to your conscious and unconscious mind that you are worthy of being cared for!

6. Be your own advocate and stand up for yourself

Being your own advocate means exploring what your needs are and respecting them, which is a form of self-love.

What is non-negotiable or a deal-breaker in your life? What are your deeply cherished values? What are your boundaries? Standing up for what you believe in is a form of self-respect.

To be your own best advocate, a good place to start is exploring what’s making you feel unhappy, depressed or overwhelmed in your life. What lines are being crossed? In which areas do you feel used or taken for granted? What makes you feel unsafe?

You might like to explore these questions in your journal (and if you don’t journal already, check out my how to start journaling article to get started).

Remember that being assertive about your needs and values isn’t a synonym for being an obnoxious asshole.

You don’t need to be loud, angry or emotionally reactive to be an advocate for yourself – that approach will backfire very quickly.

Instead, healthy assertiveness is about honoring yourself while at the same time being respectful towards others. Some mantras or affirmations that you might like to repeat to yourself to practice healthy assertiveness include:

• “I calmly and firmly honor my needs.”
• “I respect my needs in a gentle and assertive way.”
• “I allow myself to say no clearly and respectfully.”
• “I honor my needs, values, and feelings always.”
• “I create clear and consistent boundaries that protect my energy.”
• “I have the right to defend my needs and desires.”
• “I am clear but kind about my personal boundaries.”

You can also take these mantras or affirmations and create some of your own!

7. Explore the core beliefs that keep you small

First, I want to start by saying that exploring your core beliefs is DEEP work. Although it may not seem like it at first, diving into the dark nether regions of your mind is an act of self-love.

Excavating your core beliefs (i.e., the main ideas you have about yourself) can and will transform your life if you know how to do it properly. For a more in-depth overview, check out our core beliefs and shadow work articles.

For the sake of clarity, I’ll give you a few helpful examples of core beliefs. Common ones include “I am bad,” “There’s something innately wrong with me,” “I’m not worth it,” “I’m unlovable,” and “I’m irrevocably broken.”

There are many ways to uncover and change your core beliefs. One practice I have recently discovered is how powerful the use of a mirror can be.

Stand in front of a mirror in your house and designate at least ten minutes to be alone and undisturbed with yourself. Then, simply look at yourself. Gaze into your eyes. What emotions and thoughts emerge?

Mirror work is one of the most direct and dynamic ways of uncovering your self-talk and core beliefs. Pay attention to inner dialogue that sounds like the following: “I look so ugly,” “This is stupid,” “There’s something wrong with me,” and notice what type of thoughts and feelings you keep having. 

Then, enfold your body in a hug, look at yourself and say, “It’s okay, I am here for you, I accept you” (or whatever feels the most loving and authentic to you). Write about your experience in your journal afterwards to help integrate the experience.

21+ Empowering Self-Love Quotes

 I’ll leave you with a few more perspectives on learning how to love yourself from a variety of writers, thinkers, poets, psychologists, and mystics.

Take a few moments to contemplate what you read and let it sink down into your blood, bones, and marrow.

Sometimes a simple word, sentence, or idea has the power to spark deep epiphanies that can create gentle yet large ripple effects in your life:

Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.

– Byron Katie

 

Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

— Lao Tzu  

 

To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.

– Oscar Wilde  

 

You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.

– Louise L. Hay  

 

The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse. Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal. Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves; it is why we don’t accept ourselves the way we are, and why we don’t accept others the way they are.

– Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements 

 

Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.

– Ram Dass 

 

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.

– Kim McMillen 

 

If you can discover your essential beauty, in spite of all your problems and imperfections, you are on the way toward well-being. A preliminary step is simply to accept yourself with all your failures and imperfections. You must get the ego out of the way—the thought that you are so exalted that in your refined state you would be perfect. Acceptance is the beginning of genuine and honest self-love, a requirement for perceiving your own beauty.

– Thomas Moore, Dark Nights of the Soul 

 

You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.

– Anonymous 

 

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

– Maya Angelou 

 

Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It is sanity.

– Katrina Mayer 

 

Being true to who we are means carrying our spirit like a candle in the center of our darkness. If we are to live without silencing or numbing essential parts of who we are, a vow must be invoked and upheld within oneself. The same commitments we pronounce when embarking on a marriage can be understood internally as a devotion to the care of one’s soul: to have and to hold … for better or for worse … in sickness and in health … to love and to cherish, till death do us part. This means staying committed to your inner path. This means not separating from yourself when things get tough or confusing. This means accepting and embracing your faults and limitations. It means loving yourself no matter how others see you. It means cherishing the unchangeable radiance that lives within you, no matter the cuts and bruises along the way.

– Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening 

 

Self-love isn’t always so poetic; sometimes it’s a nice big triple backflip kick in the ass. You’ve got to call yourself on your own nonsense; on the incredibly efficient way you can be self-destructive.

– Steve Maraboli 

 

And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for this.”

– Nayyirah Waheed 

 

The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

– Jane Travis 

 

I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.

– Brene Brown 

 

Self-love, self-respect, self-worth. There is a reason they all start with “self.” You can not find them in anyone else.

– Unknown 

 

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

– Jack Kornfield 

 

Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it our other efforts to love fail. Giving ourselves love we provide our inner being with the opportunity to have the unconditional love we may have always longed to received from someone else.

– Bell Hooks 

 

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

– Carl Jung 

 

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.

– Thich Nhat Hanh 

 

I wouldn’t want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

― Groucho Marx 

 

There are millions of ways to express your happiness, but there is only one way to really be happy, and that is to love. There is no other way. You cannot be happy if you don’t love yourself. That is a fact. If you don’t love yourself, you don’t have any opportunity to be happy. You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either.

– Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love

Aletheia

in, LonerWolf