Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye

in, Words Under the Words: Selected Poems

Controlling Disrespect Through Stoic Wisdom

 

 

Ten practical principles for handling disrespect in various life situations:

1. The Power of Calmness

The video starts by emphasizing the Stoic principle that our emotional reactions are not triggered by external events but by our own interpretations of them. When someone disrespects you, it’s crucial to remember that their actions are a reflection of their own thoughts and feelings, not your worth (it’s fascinating how this simple shift in perspective can alter your emotional state).

2. The Art of Self-Reflection

Stoicism encourages self-examination and self-improvement. When faced with disrespect, it’s beneficial to ask yourself questions like, “Is there any truth in what the person said?” or “Did I do anything to provoke this?” This process of self-reflection can provide valuable insights into both the situation and your own behavior.

3. The Importance of Pausing

The video advises taking a moment to pause when confronted with disrespect. This pause allows you to regain control over your emotions and offers the opportunity to respond in a more measured and thoughtful manner (sometimes, a simple pause can make all the difference in the world).

4. Practicing Empathy

Stoicism also advocates for empathy. Try to understand the perspective of the person who disrespected you. This understanding can help you see that the disrespect may not be personal and could be a result of the other person’s own insecurities or fears.

5. Focusing on Virtue

Stoicism places a high value on virtues like wisdom and courage. When disrespected, the philosophy advises focusing on these virtues in your response. This focus allows you to maintain your dignity and integrity while also providing an opportunity for personal growth.

6. Embracing Acceptance

Stoicism teaches the importance of distinguishing between what is in our control and what is not. When faced with disrespect, it’s advised to focus on what you can control—your own thoughts, feelings, and actions—and to accept what you cannot.

7. The Role of Humor

Humor can serve as a useful tool for diffusing tension and maintaining emotional balance. A witty remark or playful joke can often turn a confrontational situation into a more positive experience.

8. Setting Boundaries

Stoicism is not about passivity; it’s about standing firm and setting clear boundaries. When someone disrespects you, you have the right to assert yourself and demand to be treated with dignity and respect.

9. The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness, according to Stoicism, is not just a favor to the other person but a gift to yourself. It frees you from the burden of negative emotions and allows you to move on with a sense of inner peace.

10. Changing Perspective

The final lesson from the video is about the power of perspective. It helps you see that most cases of disrespect are minor and temporary and do not affect your true worth or happiness. By changing your perspective, you can focus on what truly matters in life—your goals, values, and virtues.

in, The Stoic Community

Signs Of Disrespect:

THEY DON’T LISTEN 

When you begin to talk they give you body signals ( looking at phone or watch) to indicate that what you are saying is not important and that they have better things to do.

THEY INTERRUPT 

When you are talking they give you only a few words of space and then start talking over you. What they have to say is way more valuable and important than what you have to say.

THEY TALK AT YOU RATHER THAN WITH YOU 

They don’t approach conversations with an open demeanor and they talk down to you and don’t wait for your reply. It is a one sided conversation.

THEY DON’T INCLUDE YOU IN IMPORTANT DECISIONS 

They make decisions without asking you to weigh in. They don’t deem your input as valuable.

THEY ARE ALWAYS LATE 

They don’t honour their commitments to you for meetings or other arranged times. They are just fine making you wait for them and likely won’t apologize for being late.

THEY TALK BEHIND YOUR BACK 

They enlist others and make up stories and ‘gossip’ about you. They make false judgments on you and decide that they are right about these judgments.

THEY DON’T HONOUR AGREEMENTS

If they’ve even been able to listen long enough to agree to terms, they will quickly forget them and not honour them.

THEY WILL LIE TO YOU AND IGNORE YOUR BOUNDARIES 

They will make up excuses and otherwise not operate in integrity with you. They will ignore boundaries you make, and you will feel afraid to make any boundaries to protect yourself around them.

THEY WILL LAUGH 

Or dismiss your concerns when you bring them up.

THEY WILL ACT AS THOUGH YOU ARE DAMAGED 

Weak, stupid, needing counseling, damaged or any other derogatory way of reducing you to be beneath them.

Disrespect in relationships isn’t simply a matter of “not being nice.” 

It’s a subtle, often unconscious, erosion of trust and equality. 

At its core, it reflects a sense of imbalance, where one partner feels undervalued, unheard, or even disregarded.

This imbalance can manifest in countless ways, like:

1. Passive-aggressive behavior: Backhanded compliments, silent treatment, or deliberate forgetfulness.
2. Emotional manipulation: Guilt trips, threats, or making a partner feel responsible for their emotions.
3. Breaches of trust: Dishonesty, secrets, or neglecting needs and agreements.
4. Dismissive or invalidating communication: Interrupting, belittling, or refusing to consider their partner’s perspective.

While the surface may show irritation or anger, the hidden seed of disrespect often stems from fear and insecurity. Whether it’s the fear of losing control, not feeling good enough, or past hurts, this fear can distort communication and actions, leading to disrespectful behavior.

The most tragic consequence of this dance is the erosion of trust, breeding resentment, and, in severe cases, even abuse. It’s crucial to remember that disrespect, left unchecked, can become a toxic cycle, harming both partners and the fabric of the relationship.

This is why recognizing the early signs of disrespect in a relationship and addressing them with honesty and compassion is so vital. In the following sections, we’ll explore these signs in detail, offering steps to navigate this delicate dance and restore the balance of respect and love.

What is the importance of respect in relationships?

Respect is essential in all relationships: romantic, platonic, or familial. Mutual respect is essential, as respecting someone who doesn’t respect you will only negatively impact your self-esteem and mental health.

When there’s no respect in a relationship, the expressed love is unlikely to last longer than the honeymoon phase and can lead to a messy break-up or ongoing toxic behavior. When you and your partner respect each other, you become more attuned to each other’s wants, needs, and desires. 

Remember, relationships should be all about building each other up to become more fulfilled individuals. Being in a mutually respectful relationship can keep that growth continuing years and decades down the line. 

It can be confusing to understand what is considered disrespectful behavior. 

But to provide clarity, below are some of the most common forms of disrespect in a relationship. 

You should be aware of these signs, both for you dealing with disrespect in a relationship and your partner who may be feeling disrespect in a relationship caused by your negligent behavior. 

Here are some examples of disrespectful behavior in a relationship:

1. Disregard for your free time

You should be a high priority when it comes to your partner’s free time. Being disrespectful in a relationship can include spending an excessive amount of time with others over your partner.

Being taken for granted in this way can impact your sense of self-worth.

On the flip side, expecting your partner to constantly choose you over other essential individuals in their life, such as family, can be seen as demanding respect in a relationship and can result in increased tension and a loss of respect from your partner. 

In the end, it’s about finding the right balance between time with each other and time for other interests. 

2. Being late

Being late or making your partner late for their commitments is a sign of disrespect in a relationship that many of us don’t realize we commit. 

Not being on time for an event that’s important to your partner (like a wedding, party, or dinner) can imply that what’s important to your partner isn’t necessary to you. Being late may also make your partner look bad to others, which can cause your partner to lose respect for you, too.

However, research shows that being late is not bad in many cultures, so it is important to recognize that it may not be a sign of disrespect in certain cases.

Also, being late often comes with other issues, such as low self-esteem or other mental health struggles. So, try to assess the situation before passing any harsh judgment. 

3. No care for your safety

Ever had a moment with someone where you haven’t felt safe? This can be one of the key signs of disrespect in a relationship. 

For example, if you feel your partner is driving too fast or is too distracted and doesn’t listen to your requests to slow down or focus on the road, then they are compromising your safety, which is a sign that they don’t respect, not only your feelings but your safety too.

4. No respect for mental/emotional privacy

While in a relationship, you should be open and honest with your partner. However, they do not need to know what you are doing, feeling, or thinking about every second of the day. Even if you’re a very close couple, you are still your own person and have a right to privacy.

5. Breaking promises

In a close or romantic relationship, not keeping your promises is a form of disrespect that says you’re not worth going the extra mile for and committing to. It betrays the trust you have in your partner.

However, try to assess the reason why your partner might be breaking their promise to you, as disrespect might not be the reason for this. Also, reflect on whether unrealistic expectations or too much pressure from your end might be the reason behind the broken promises. 

6. Devaluing your ideas and opinions

No one likes it when their idea is shot down or ridiculed, especially when the person devaluing your input is your significant other. When we speak our minds, we open ourselves up to the world. This is why it stings so much when our ideas are ridiculed, causing us to withdraw into ourselves.

No relationship should ever make you feel this way, and it is one of the clear signs of disrespect in a relationship.

7. Belittling you

Belittling occurs when someone deprecates you or plays down an aspect of yourself. This could be about a big achievement in your life or the rehashing of a mistake of the past. Belittling behavior is designed to make you feel small and insignificant and is a classic example of disrespect in relationships.

8. Mocking or teasing your appearance

While a few jokes can indicate a healthy and loving relationship, if your partner pinpoints something about your appearance that you are self-conscious about, they are displaying disrespectful relationship behavior. 

A loving partner should build you up and encourage you to feel good about yourself, not disrespect your appearance.

9. They make decisions without you

One of the important examples of disrespect in a relationship is whether they seek your counsel when it comes to the more meaningful decisions of their life and your relationship. 

Making decisions on large purchases and taking out new contracts such as subscriptions or loans should be discussed, especially if you share a household budget. Not doing so implies a lack of trust and encourages secret-keeping behaviors. 

10. They won’t socialize with your friends and family

When you start a new relationship, sometimes your new partner doesn’t get along with one of your friends or family members; that’s okay as long as both parties remain cordial with one another. 

If your partner refuses or tries to avoid hanging out with your friend group or family, they display disrespectful relationship behavior.

11. They snoop

The most common form of snooping is checking your mobile phone or tech devices. A disrespectful partner may also go through your bag/backpack. This disregard of your privacy is a blatant form of relationship disrespect. 

12. They don’t fight your corner

This point can be a bit of a double-edged sword, as a partner who’s overly protective or defensive can stifle you. However, you should be a priority in your partner’s life, and part of a strong relationship is looking out for one another. 

This dates back to our prehistoric ancestry, where groups of hunter-gatherers would stick together to become a more vital unified force.

While some people naturally aren’t combative, everyone knows when an individual has gone too far or crossed a line. If your partner isn’t there for you in these moments, they show that they don’t care for your safety and emotional well-being.

13. Financial disrespect

One of the key signs your partner doesn’t respect you might become evident when you assess the financial aspects of your relationship. 

Financial disrespect comes in many forms. Most commonly, it occurs when one partner earns significantly more than the other, for example, if one is the full-time ‘breadwinner’ and the other works part-time or is a stay-at-home parent. 

Both jobs are vital to the successful running of the household, but a disrespectful partner may make their other half feel lesser for bringing in less monetary value (despite the value of the work done in the home).

14. They don’t contribute

Both parties must contribute to the household when a relationship becomes serious or long-term and shared accommodation, or children are involved. This includes doing chores, childcare, and so on. A lazy partner is often a disrespectful partner because they show they don’t value you enough to contribute.

15. Excessive flirting with others

Some people are natural flirts and don’t realize how their words or actions could be construed. This is where knowing your partner comes in, as some flirting may be meaningless or part of their personality.

Excessive flirting, however, especially brazen flirting when you are present, displays a lack of respect in a relationship. It could also be a worrying early indicator of a partner who may stray.

16. Disrespectful personal habits

We all have habits that drive our partners crazy, and part of loving someone is accepting their foibles. However, some habits are just inconsiderate and overstep your boundaries.

Of course, no one’s going to criticize their partner for an honest mistake. Still, if you’ve brought something up several times and your partner refuses to change, they’re disregarding your feelings and disrespecting you.

17. Weaponized insecurities

This refers to bringing up things from the past, mockery, and name-calling. Weaponized insecurities highlight something you’re uncomfortable with or embarrassed about. In a worst-case scenario, this can be something you’ve told them in confidence, such as a childhood fear or memory.

18. They keep trying to change you

While a person in a supporting relationship should help you improve yourself, a person who has no respect in a relationship will instead try to change you to suit their desires. 

From pressuring you to lose weight, eating healthily, or stopping one of your hobbies, when your partner is trying to change you, they say they don’t respect who you are now.

19. The silent treatment

The silent treatment (also called stonewalling) is a form of punishment that doesn’t solve the original problem. Instead, silent treatment makes the other person feel bad, often without knowing why and can feel disrespected in the relationship.

20. They’re always interrupting

Interruption is another form of disrespect in a relationship. In a social setting, this can imply that your words have less value than theirs.

If your partner constantly talks over you, doesn’t let you finish your point, or even cuts a story short of replacing it with their own, they send out the message that their voice and input are more important than yours.

Rachael Pace

Man in the Arena Speech by Theodore Roosevelt with Audio, Read by John F...

                                                  

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

THEODORE ROOSEVELT: “CITIZENSHIP IN A REPUBLIC,” 

APRIL 23, 1910

"April 23rd. In the chambers of a regal old university in the Latin Quarter of Paris, former-president Theodore Roosevelt speaks to an enraptured crowd. Despite the Old-World majesty of the venue, the subject of the lecture is distinctly furiously modern, outlining what it means to be a participant in a strange experiment called “democracy.”

While his “Citizenship in a Republic” address touched on everything from labor to leisure, inequality to innovation, one section of his nearly 9,000-word speech was so powerful and profound as to stand out above all else. 

Roosevelt doesn’t tell us that the people dissecting our efforts are cruel or cowardly (though they sometimes are).

He doesn’t tell us that they’re wrong (they often aren’t).

What he does tell us is that it ultimately doesn’t even factor into things.

It’s not just that the game looks different from the field than from the bleachers,

It’s that without someone sweating and striving,

there wouldn’t be any game at all.

Criticism – constructive or destructive, sabotaging or sincere – will by its very nature always come second. The minute we start to frame our efforts around that truth is the minute we start liberating ourselves. The here-and-now is what counts because the here-and-now is all there is. That attitude allows us to focus on our efforts, not people’s potential reactions to them. It lets us grapple with the situation as it confronts us, not from the perspective of people up in the nosebleeds.

Yes, the haters are going to hate – there’s no way around it. But the haters aren’t going to exist without us first doing something to piss them off, so why not do so on our own terms?

  

Pain is the Process

Though Roosevelt calls on us to have the courage to start, he doesn’t waste any time warning us that every endeavor comes with a cost. We’re used to hearing that there’s no victory without struggle but what “Man in the Arena” tells us is that there’s no attempt without a struggle. 

Success is not guaranteed – sacrifice is.

Strange as it might sound, it’s still something worth striving for.

Frequently, we treat adversity as a sign that we’re doing something wrong when, in reality, it’s often the clearest sign that we’re doing something right. 

1. It means we’re pushing ourselves beyond the limits of our current skillset. 
2. We’re venturing into the wilderness beyond the borders of our comfort zones. 
3. We’re consciously and deliberately placing ourselves in situations where our character and values are actually being tested (which is the only time we’ll ever know if they really hold true). 

Simply stated: 

if we step into the ring and don’t find ourselves challenged (and knocked on our asses), we’re in the wrong weight class.

At the same time that we’re putting criticism (real or imagined) out of our heads, we should be replacing it with the expectation of adversity. When it comes, we’re not going to be caught off-guard or broken by it. We’re given the desperately-needed chance to toughen ourselves in advance. Yes, the hurt will still be there, but it will be all the more bearable with the knowledge that pain isn’t pointless. It will pass more quickly as we acknowledge that it means we’re challenging ourselves. When the dust settles, it will leave us not only standing but even stronger than before – ready to struggle again.

Defeat Beats Inaction

Fail big or go home.

That’s the final challenge we’re left with by “Man in the Arena.” 

Not to strive over and over because our persistence will pay-off eventually, but because the act of straining and fighting is all it really takes.

  

As much as we’re told that winners write the history books, it’s the losers who often earn the world’s admiration. 

We can name the leaders of botched revolutions and uprisings. 

We can trace the trails left by explorers who never found what they were searching for. 

We can cite the men and women whose best endeavors turned into absolute catastrophes. 

Failed bobsled teams and botched moon missions, lost Antarctic voyages and last-stands against oppression.

Despite their defeats, we celebrate these people as heroes. 

Why?

Because they were there.

Once more, that message is particularly powerful at this exact moment in history. 

It’s not that the projects ahead of us are uniquely brutal (we’re probably not canoeing down a malarial tributary or facing off with a literal warrior in a coliseum) – it’s that the sidelines have never been more comfortable.  At no point in history have there been more distractions, diversions, and justifications to keep us from the challenges we could be facing.

  

  

Whether it’s a creative project, a new job, or even the lifelong battle for a healthier body, it’s the ambition, commitment, and courage to actually try that distinguishes us. 

How do you tell the athletes from the spectators? 

Not by who’s sporting the team colors. Not by who’s roaring the loudest. Not by who’s the strongest person there or even the most experienced or the person with zero points 

It’s who’s actually on the field, in the dust and the sweat and blood, instead of up in the bleachers. 

  

Stepping into the arena. Being there.

That’s all that matters. That’s all it takes. 

  

  

Gordon Brown

The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt

 

The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt (1979) is a biography about the life of the 26th United States President Theodore Roosevelt by Edmund Morris when the author was forty years old. 

It is the first in a trilogy continued more than twenty and thirty years later by Theodore Rex (2001) and Colonel Roosevelt (2010). 

It won the 1980 Pulitzer Prize for Biography or Autobiography and the 1980 National Book Award in Biography.

The Rise covers the time from 

Roosevelt's birth 

through his ascendancy to the Presidency. 

It includes the Roosevelt family history starting with his parents' influence, his turbulent childhood illnesses, education, involvement in politics, and political accomplishments that prepared him to be one of the most influential presidents of the modern era. 

Specific topics include the philosophy of Roosevelt's father, mother, and his family. 

His passion for learning despite severe illness is well documented.

Roosevelt is born in New York City to Mittie and Theodore Roosevelt, and he’s their second child. 

He suffers asthma which embarrasses his father. 

Doctors suggest he should spend a lot of time outdoors, but this isn’t good enough for Theodore Senior, who expects his son to strengthen himself up. He goes so far as installing a home gym, which Roosevelt loves—much to his doctor’s despair. 

Roosevelt is naturally curious and loves to learn new things. 

He’s self-motivated and studies as many books in his father’s library as he can. 

Morris reports that Roosevelt probably read the equivalent of one book per day during his life.

Although he’s home-schooled, he’s accepted into Harvard University at just 17. 

He studies law and natural history, both of which he excels at. 

He also chooses his friends very carefully—he doesn’t believe everyone at Harvard is worthy of his time. When he’s not studying, he spends time with select people, but everyone notices his determination and aptitude for everything he does. 

Morris examines his life as a young politician driven by a sense of public duty and stewardship, and captures multiple aspects of the events that shaped the character and performance of Roosevelt. 

The book provides insight into the world of influence from a master of corporate power as opposed to leaders who practice personal power.

Topics include early childhood, education and hobbies, travels in Europe and Africa, New York legislature, frontier life, civil service commissioner, New York police commissioner, Assistant Secretary of the Navy, the Rough Riders and victory in Cuba, governor of New York, and short term as vice-president.

Theodore Roosevelt. America’s 26th President was a personality that knew few bounds and even less fear and unlike many of those before or after him, he could have retired at the age of 40 having never entered the White House with an already incredible list of accomplishments. 

The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt covers this time period, from his birth in 1858 to his first day in office as President in 1901 after William McKinley was shot. 

The book opens with a rich anecdote of the annual New Year’s Day ritual in which citizens of the Capital would file through the White House to shake the President’s hand. 

Morris cleverly introduces the story’s hero through the eyes of people that waited hours in freezing January temperatures to grip the President’s hand for no more than a second and a half. 

Morris describes the incredible line of people stretching down Pennsylvania Avenue and the overwhelming impression each is left with when they look Roosevelt in the eyes and take his hand. 

Through this we are shown not only the collective affection for the President but also his own will and love for the people as by 2:00pm he has shaken over 8,000 hands without pause. 

We get a glimpse of the determination and integrity of a man that by many accounts should barely have lived past adolescence due to wave after wave of illness. 

This episode sets the tone for the ensuing 900 pages, a battle of will for someone that is constantly knocked down and by sheer determination continues to get back up. 

Before reading the book most may have a basic recollection of Teddy Roosevelt’s extensive resume of accomplishments, ranging from professional historian and zoologist to New York City Police Commissioner and Medal of Honor nominee. 

It’s important then to recognize how skillful Morris is in thoroughly covering these accomplishments but not dwelling on them or letting them define both his book and its subject. 

It would be too easy to simply recount the first half of Roosevelt’s life through his various titles and positions, yet Morris instead provides the perhaps more important personal context for those accomplishments. He paints a picture of the man through not only the extensive correspondence and journals he kept, but also descriptions of the world he lived in. 

As much as Morris describes the world in which Roosevelt lived, he also depicts the world he shaped through an incredible cult of personality. 

Morris utilizes quotes from several people that were in close proximity to Roosevelt both personally and professionally to describe the penetrating effect he had on those around him. 

More often than not the quote will begin with an unrelenting first impression of a brash, awkward man who was direct almost to a fault, before giving way to a forgiving remark about a certain uncanny ability to win over both heart and mind. 

In explaining how stoic, dry and emotionally stunted men like Henry Adams, Thomas Reed, and Henry Cabot Lodge tolerated the boisterous Roosevelt , 

Morris writes that they 

“…grew dependent upon Roosevelt’s warmth, as lizards crave the sun” (164). 

Perhaps as significant to the casual reader as historical accuracy and citation, the book is remarkably well paced for such a large volume. Morris does well to keep the story moving even when there’s opportunity for much more elaborate description or inferences and seems to keep the reader’s sanity in mind at all times. He is no doubt writing for both the history enthusiast and uninitiated and plays to both throughout the book, writing like a novelist but introducing enough primary source material to keep scholars content. 

Descriptions are rich in detail and even the action reads like a thriller at times but there is also an extensive section of notes and bibliography at the back of the book.

 It should be said though that Morris’ depiction is colored by a somewhat romantic reverence for Roosevelt. 

The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt is almost Homer-esque, a sprawling epic poem in which the hero is determined to overcome the countless obstacles through cunning and determination on his way home from battle. 

Both Odysseus and Teddy are imprisoned at the beginning of each story (One on Calypso’s Island, one by illness), and both authors are sympathetic to their characters by forgiving any personality flaws as a product of their hardship. 

While this doesn’t exactly take away from the integrity of the book as its only “a feeling”, it does make me wonder if there were any more less than glowing accounts of his personality or ability. 

In total The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt is a very well written and extensively researched book on one our greatest President’s and should go down as an authoritative account of his life before taking office.

RJ Duggan

Theodore Roosevelt Quotes

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

“The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.”

“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.”

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

“I am a part of everything that I have read.”

“Knowing what’s right doesn’t mean much unless you do what’s right.”

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

“To educate a person in the mind but not in morals is to educate a menace to society.”

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.”

“Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.”

“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.”

“A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the character of the user.”

“Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, ‘Certainly I can!’ Then get busy and find out how to do it.”

“Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering.”

“When you play, play hard; when you work, don’t play at all.”

“It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.”

“People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. The leader leads, and the boss drives.”

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.”

“Let us rather run the risk of wearing out than rusting out.”

“Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.”

“The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.”

“With self-discipline, almost anything is possible.”

“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”

“The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats.”

“Big jobs usually go to the men who prove their ability to outgrow small ones.”

“Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time.”

“Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.”

“Courtesy is as much a mark of a gentleman as courage.”

“I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!”

“No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his well-being, to risk his body, to risk his life, in a great cause.”

“This country has nothing to fear from the crooked man who fails. We put him in jail. It is the crooked man who succeeds who is a threat to this country.”

“A stream cannot rise larger than its source.”

“It is impossible to win the great prizes of life without running risks, and the greatest of all prizes are those connected with the home.”

“If I must choose between peace and righteousness, I choose righteousness.”

“Peace is normally a great good, and normally it coincides with righteousness, but it is righteousness and not peace which should bind the conscience of a nation as it should bind the conscience of an individual; and neither a nation nor an individual can surrender conscience to another’s keeping.”

“All the resources we need are in the mind.”

“Our chief usefulness to humanity rests on our combining power with high purpose. Power undirected by high purpose spells calamity, and high purpose by itself is utterly useless if the power to put it into effect is lacking.”

“There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.”

“In life, as in a football game, the principle to follow is: hit the line hard.”

“The men and women who have the right ideals… are those who have the courage to strive for the happiness which comes only with labor and effort and self-sacrifice, and those whose joy in life springs in part from power of work and sense of duty.”

“We need the iron qualities that go with true manhood. We need the positive virtues of resolution, of courage, of indomitable will, of power to do without shrinking the rough work that must always be done.”

“At sometime in our lives a devil dwells within us, causes heartbreaks, confusion and troubles, then dies.”

“We must remember not to judge any public servant by any one act, and especially should we beware of attacking the men who are merely the occasions and not the cause of disaster.”

“Order without liberty and liberty without order are equally destructive.”

“Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual and of nations alike.”

“Every reform movement has a lunatic fringe.”

YOUR BLACK & WHITE THINKING MAKES YOUR ANXIETY WORSE

Noell Oszvald

You’re a planner, maybe a bit of a controller.  

You like to have things “known” as much as possible, and hope to achieve the “all” or else you feel like it’s a “nothing.”  You often define things into categories of “good” or “bad.”

Your mind is busy always planning, speculating, and trying to be prepared so to avoid the “bad.”

Sometimes, this helps you feel more settled and prepared.  However, most of the time, this kind of thinking and planning seldom works and leaves you feeling worse.

 

WHY IS IT MAKING MY ANXIETY WORSE? 

When you approach your life in extremes, it either all works out, or it’s a horrible failure.  

But even if it all works out, it’s fleeting and temporary.  

You still fall back into the pattern of aiming for the “all” and fearing the “nothing.” 

This is an exhausting mindset that keeps your anxiety high. 

Typically, when you approach life this way, it’s likely because you are more of an anxiously organized person.  You may not be visibly anxious, but your inner experience is more wrapped up around an unsettled, worried existence in your life.  

In pre-planning and expecting things to go one way or another, we are usually trying to avoid and prevent things from feeling difficult or even unbearable.  Perhaps avoiding pain, rejection, being vulnerable.  Maybe trying to prevent shame, humiliation, abandonment, being exposed, or being judged.

 

CAN’T TRYING TO CONTROL THINGS MANAGE MY ANXIETY?

The trouble with trying to control how something goes for you is that you are tightly wrapped around one correct idea of how it should happen.  And, most of the time this expectation is never met.  

It may be met partially, but there were other things that didn’t meet the mark.  

And for someone who gets trapped in the exactness of black and white thinking, you will continually be let down and feel like you have to try harder.  

 

This cycle keeps your anxiety alive and powerful.  

It’s like feeding the anxiety monster. 

It’s important to become aware of your anxiety and work to heal what contributes to it.  

But trying to live in a way to avoid difficult feelings will just keep it more powerful.

 

A FEW REMINDERS 

WHEN YOU’RE GRAPPLING WITH 

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING

 

Life’s not exact

Everything is layered, complex and specific to the context it’s in

 Human’s aren’t exact

Like life, humans are also layered, complex, and we change according to the context we’re in

 It makes your anxiety worse

Striving for one right way doesn’t ward off difficult feeling experiences but keeps the fear and anxiety always present

Your unresolved issues will keep cropping up

Expecting to understand the world in absolutes will not keep you safe from things that had hurt you in the past.  Your mind will make you think so, but your pain and old hurts must be dealt with and healed for what they were.  

 

SO, INSTEAD OF GETTING CAUGHT 

IN THE CONCRETENESS OF YOUR 

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING:

• Notice Your Absolutes language

Are you categorizing things into “always,” “never,” etc.  This will keep you defining things, people, foods, etc. into good or bad. 

• Explore the spaces in between – the gray area

This is where all life happens!

• Embrace your imperfectness

That’s the thing you can be most sure of.  We are all imperfect, and that’s a very human way to be.

• Discover your true self 

When you accept the fact we are all imperfect, let this be an opportunity to discover who you really are.  What do you think, how do you feel, what do you need, how do you want to be known, what is private, what is public, what are your boundaries?  

• Ride the wave

When difficult feelings strike, stay with them and become curious.  What has triggered this feeling?  What do you need when you feel this way?  Sometimes looking at these feelings rather than forcing them away will help them soften much more easily.

• Know you’ll be ok

You will be ok.  You will learn and grow.  Best of all, you will be in charge of you

• Work to heal your unresolved issues

Getting to know and heal old hurt from your life will be a more direct way to manage your difficult feelings.  There’s nothing wrong with getting to know all of your varied states of being.  Think of it like a kaleidoscope with a multitude of pieces all interacting and creating a different picture every time things shift.  We are very much like that too.  No one piece of the kaleidoscope is wrong or doesn’t belong.  Same with our feelings

 

Don’t get caught in black and white thinking.  

Life happens in all the shades in between!

Sona DeLurgio

The Truce and the Peace

Noell Oszvald

Peace now for every fury has had her day,

Their natural make is moribund, they cease,

They carry the inward seeds of quick decay,

Build breakwaters for storm but build on peace. 

The mountains’ peace answers the peace of the stars, 

Our petulances are cracked against their term. 

God built our peace and plastered it with wars, 

Those frescoes fade, flake off, peace remains firm. 

In the beginning before light began

We lay or fluttered blind in burdened wombs, 

And like that first so is the last of man,

When under death for husband the amorous tombs 

Are covered and conceive; nine months go by

No midwife called, nine years no baby’s cry.

   2

Peace now, though purgatory fires were hot 

They always had a heart something like ice 

That coldly peered and wondered, suffering not 

Nor pleased in any park, nor paradise 

Of slightly swelling breasts and beautiful arms 

And throat engorged with very carnal blood. 

It coldly peered and wondered, “Strong God your charms 

Are glorious, I remember solitude. 

Before youth towered we knew a time of truth 

To have eyes was nearly rapture.” Peace now, for war 

Will find the cave that childhood found and youth.

Ten million lives are stolen and not one star 

Dulled; wars die out, life will die out, death cease, 

Beauty lives always and the beauty of peace.

    3

Peace to the world in time or in a year,

In the inner world I have touched the instant peace. 

Man’s soul’s a flawless crystal coldly clear,

A cool white mansion that he yields in lease

To tenant dreams and tyrants from the brain 

And riotous burnings of the lovelier flesh.

We pour strange wines and purples all in vain. 

The crystal remains pure, the mansion flesh.

All the Asian bacchanals and those from Thrace 

Lived there and left no wine-mark on the walls. 

What were they doing in that more sacred place 

All the Asian and the Thracian bacchanals? 

Peace to the world to-morrow or in a year, 

Peace in that mansion white, that crystal clear.

     4

Peace now poor earth. They fought for freedom’s sake, 

She was starving in a corner while they fought. 

They knew not whom they stabbed by Onega Lake, 

Whom lashed from Archangel, whom loved, whom sought. 

How can she die, she is the blood unborn, 

The energy in earth’s arteries beating red, 

The world will flame with her in some great morn, 

The whole great world flame with her, and we be dead. 

Here in the west it grows by dim degrees, 

In the east flashed and will flame terror and light. 

Peace now poor earth, peace to that holier peace 

Deep in the soul held secret from all sight. 

That crystal, the pure home, the holier peace, 

Fires flaw not, scars the cruelest cannot crease.

    5

South of the Big Sur River up the hill

Three graves are marked thick weeds and grasses heap, 

Under the forest there I have stood still

Hours, thinking it the sweetest place to sleep … 

Strewing all-sufficient death with compliments

Sincere and unrequired, coveting peace.

Boards at the head not stones, the text’s rude paints 

Mossed, rain-rubbed … wasting hours of scanty lease 

To admire their peace made perfect. From that height 

But for the trees the whole valley might be seen,

But for the heavy dirt, the eye-pits no light

Enters, the heavy dirt, the grass growing green

Over the dirt, the molelike secretness,

The immense withdrawal, the dirt, the quiet, the peace.

   6

Women cried that morning, bells rocked with mirth,

We all were glad a long while afterward,

But still in dreary places of the earth

A hundred hardly fed shall labor hard

To clothe one belly and stuff it with soft meat,

Blood paid for peace but still those poor shall buy it, 

This sweat of slaves is no good wine but yet 

Sometimes it climbs to the brain. Be happy and quiet, 

Be happy and live, be quiet or God might wake.

He sleeps in the mountain that is heart of man’s heart, 

He also in promontory fists, and make

Of stubborn-muscled limbs, he will not start

For a little thing … his great hands grope, unclose, 

Feel out for the main pillars … pull down the house …

 7

After all, after all we endured, who has grown wise? 

We take our mortal momentary hour

With too much gesture, the derisive skies

Twinkle against our wrongs, our rights, our power.

Look up the night, starlight’s a steadying draught

For nerves at angry tension. They have all meant well,

Our enemies and the knaves at whom we’ve laughed,

The liars, the clowns in office, the kings in hell,

They have all meant well in the main… some of them tried

The mountain road of tolerance … They have made war,

Conspired, oppressed, robbed, murdered, lied and lied,

Meant well, played the loud fool … and star by star

Winter Orion pursues the Pleiades

In pale and huge parade, silence and peace.

   8

That ice within the soul, the admonisher

Of madness when we’re wildest, the unwinking eye 

That measures all things with indifferent stare, 

Choosing far stars to check near objects by, 

That quiet lake inside and underneath,

Strong, undisturbed by any angel of strife,

Being so tranquil seems the presence of death, 

Being so central seems the essence of life.

Is it perhaps that death and life make truce

In neutral zone while their old feud beyond

Fires the towered cities? Surely for a strange use 

He sphered that eye of flawless diamond.

It does not serve him but with line and rod 

Measures him, how indeed should God serve God?

  9

It does not worship him, it will not serve.

And death and life within that Eye combine,

Within that only untorturable nerve

Of those that make a man, within that shrine

Which there is nothing ever can profane,

Where life and death are sister and brother and lovers,

The golden voice of Christ were heard in vain,

The holy spirit of God visibly hovers.

Small-breasted girls, lithe women heavy-haired,

Loves that once grew into our nerves and veins,

Yours Freedom was desire that deeper dared

To the citadel where mastery remains, 

Yours to the spirit … discount the penny that is 

Ungivable, this Eye, this God, this Peace.

  10

All in a simple innocence I strove

To give myself away to any power,

Wasting on women’s bodies wealth of love, 

Worshiping every sunrise mountain tower;

Some failure mocked me still denying perfection,

Parts of me might be spended not the whole,

I sought of wine surrender and self-correction,

I failed, I could not give away my soul.

Again seeking to give myself I sought

Outward in vain through all things, out through God, 

And tried all heights, all gulfs, all dreams, all thought. 

I found this wisdom on the wonderful road,

The essential Me cannot be given away,

The single Eye, God cased in blood-shot clay.

  11

Peace to the world in time or in a year, 

But always all our lives this peace was ours. 

Peace is not hard to have, it lies more near 

Than breathing to the breast. When brigand powers 

Of anger or pain or the sick dream of sin 

Break our soul’s house outside the ruins we weep.

We look through the breached wall, why there within

All the red while our peace was lying asleep.

Smiling in dreams while the broad knives drank blood,

The robbers triumphed, the roof burned overhead,

The eternal living and untroubled God

Lying asleep upon a lily bed.

Men screamed, the bugles screamed, walls broke in the air, 

We never knew till then that He was there.

Robinson Jeffers

Vida Imaginada

 

Na minha juventude estava convencido 

de que a serenidade ajuda a imaginar. 

Agora sei que na vida imaginada 

o pior de mim já está nos alicerces. 

Já me esqueci de tantas versões históricas: 

as mentiras dos clássicos e dos românticos. 

E, ao mesmo tempo, quão aborrecido 

o actual labirinto, quão complexo e sujo, 

e, envolvendo tudo, uma noite estrelada 

que em caso algum serei capaz de compreender. 

Hoje só uma voz me fala 

surgida da dureza que há na própria vida, 

a única na qual vejo ainda alguma verdade: 

a música a cobrir o nada de beleza, 

os meus poemas, a força do amor 

e da palavra juntas. Tu e eu. 

Os que os lerem na sua própria solidão.

Joan Margarit

O Papel da Mãe

 

Não é fácil lidar todos os dias com quem ainda não conhecemos. 

Cada um de nós é um pequeno Universo, com a sua própria energia, padrões, passado e proposta de evolução. A máscara que usamos dos nossos papeis sociais escondem, na maior parte das vezes, a verdade complexa do que nos vai dentro.  

Claro que os mapas astrológicos e numerológicos ajudam e dão pistas claras dos padrões de cada um. Mas o que eles não mostram é o grau de consciência e evolução em que cada pessoa está a viver as suas energias.

Por esta razão, para conhecer a história da pessoa e para perceber se ela está consciente e alinhada ou não com as suas energias, ouço a sua versão e o que a trouxe a uma consulta.

Não há muito tempo alguém me dizia que se sentia presa num trabalho frustrante que nada lhe dizia, ainda por cima sujeita a uma chefe autoritária e agressiva incapaz de a respeitar. 

A bandeira vermelha surge quando afirma que não precisa falar sobre a mãe porque deixou de falar com ela há anos e já fez 5 anos de psicoterapia que a ajudou finalmente a perdoar as mágoas que a mãe lhe deixou porque era extremamente autoritária e agressiva.

Talvez para uma mentalidade conservadora / religiosa / julgadora / vítima, este discurso ainda faça sentido e despolete até sentimentos de pena da ´má sorte´ desta pessoa. 

Mas acredito que para quem está já familiarizado com os conceitos de Responsabilidade Karmica, este discurso esconde imensos sinais de alarme de quem não está ainda consciente da dualidade da vida, das leis universais, da responsabilidade pessoal ou sequer do propósito de evolução espiritual.

Antes de mais, precisamos perceber o papel da mãe que não foi "escolhida" ao acaso. 

Diz a Lei do Karma que apenas colhemos os frutos dos nossos plantios. 

Somos por isso, cada um de nós nas vidas uns dos outros, na maior parte das vezes completamente inconscientes disso, os "entregadores" dessas cargas Karmicas que cada um precisa colher.  

A Lei da Atração ajuda-nos trazendo à nossa realidade as pessoas que fazem parte dessa tarefa. 

A posição da Lua no mapa, dá-nos, para além de muitas outras, duas pistas básicas: 

1. uma, o imaturo passado inconsciente do próprio; 
2. a outra, a mãe da pessoa em questão, e neste caso confirma-se o autoritarismo e a agressividade que ela própria carrega como sombra, projetada inconscientemente na mãe.

Deste ponto de vista, e usando outros aspetos de ambos os mapas, podemos então contar a história Karmica perante os mesmos factos:

Algures em vidas passadas, pelas mais variadas razões, esta pessoa não fez o seu trabalho de responsabilidade pessoal, não amadureceu as suas emoções, não seguiu o seu caminho individual ou sequer cumpriu a sua missão espiritual. Essa imaturidade e traição a si mesma, gerou frustração e raiva que acabou por ser manifestada na forma de agressividade, usando e abusando de quem a rodeava como forma de compensação. Este formato de vida, prisioneiro de crenças limitadoras e uma profunda ignorância espiritual fê-la assumir uma postura autoritária, ou seja, incapaz de amadurecer, crescer e ser autora da sua própria vida, projetou esse autoritarismo, mandando na vida dos outros. 

 

Esta pessoa, ou melhor dizendo, estas energias passadas que ela esconde dentro de si mesma e que vêm em busca de cura na vida presente, estão representadas na própria mãe que aparece na sua vida como "lembrete" do seu próprio passado, como consciência da sua própria sombra. A nossa mãe faz, na maior parte das vezes, esse difícil papel de nos lembrar de onde viemos para que, através dela, possamos curar e transformar o que dela em nós ainda sobrevive. Somos assim a proposta de cura desse velho padrão que embora ainda seja visível na nossa mãe, vem em nós e no nosso mapa, preparado para ser limpo.

Perante esta visão Karmica, o perdão não faz sentido. 

Não há nada para perdoar a não ser a nós próprios pelo que criámos sem qualidade e sem amor e que pelas Leis a nós retorna em busca de aprendizagem, cura e libertação. Aliás, se trocássemos o conceito de perdão por entendimento karmico, deixariam de haver tantos dilemas familiares, culpas e projeções das próprias sombras nos outros.

Perante esta nova visão esta menina não só afirma que depois de anos de psicoterapia, nunca nada lhe fizera tanto sentido, e com os olhos cheios de água diz que há anos que não sentia uma vontade enorme de ir dar um abraço à mãe.

Alertei que a mãe veio para fazer aquele papel e está também sujeita às suas próprias energias. Que embora ela tivesse expandido a sua consciência e percebido finalmente o papel  da mãe na sua vida, a mãe ainda era a mãe de sempre. Mas mudando a sua atitude e energia perante a mãe, daria assim início à possibilidade de cura da relação e da própria mãe também.

Sem esta visão Karmica, esta menina não teria amadurecido e entendido a sua energia e a sua história. Teria ficado presa no estado de vítima da má sorte, no julgamento da mãe como pessoa má. Incapaz de entender o papel da mãe, fecharia-se para a cura da sua própria sombra, ficando presa nas mesmas frequências até que a cura acontecesse. 

Ter atraído aquela chefe era já prova disso. Sem esta visão o laço karmico que prende as duas não seria dissolvido com o amor que ela agora aprendia a ter pela mãe pela primeira vez na vida.  Pela primeira vez também, ao iluminar a sua sombra, revelaram-se também aspectos do seu potencial e da sua Luz verbalizando a sua vontade de profissionalmente, ajudar pessoas. 

Em duas horas, uma diferente e mais espiritual visão do mundo desabou velhas crenças e deu início a um maravilhoso processo de consciência e transformação pessoal. 

A mãe passou de carrasco a Mestre. 

Como dizia Rumi:

"A ferida é o lugar por onde a luz entra."

Vera Luz