The Madman

 

You ask me how I became a madman. 

It happened thus: 

One day, long before many gods were born, I woke from a deep sleep and found all my masks were stolen -- the seven masks I have fashioned and worn in seven lives. I ran maskless through the crowded streets shouting, 

"Thieves, thieves, the cursed thieves."

Men and women laughed at me and some ran to their houses in fear of me.

And when I reached the market place, a youth standing on a house-top cried, 

"He is a madman." 

I looked up to behold him; the sun kissed my own naked face for the first time. For the first time the sun kissed my own naked face and my soul was inflamed with love for the sun, and I wanted my masks no more. And as if in a trance I cried, 

"Blessed, blessed are the thieves who stole my masks."

Thus I became a madman.

And I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.

But let me not be too proud of my safety. 

Even a Thief in a jail is safe from another thief.

The normal person wears masks in order to function in society, to maintain self-identity in a world that corrodes the self and redefines it for its collective purpose. 

To act without a mask, to think and speak and behave without this veil of illusion, without Maya interposed before one's eyes, is to be mad. 

To lose these masks, to be true to self and therefore true to nature and reality, is to be free. 

This freedom, taken against society, has its risk of loneliness and misunderstanding, but it safeguards intuition and self from the intolerant masses and their expectation of conformity, of mask-wearing.

Let's begin to explore the ramifications of masklessness, of madness. 

Before God, one can be neither slave, creature, nor child. 

One can only be equal to God, not in a frivolous egoistic sense but in terms of identify of being and substance, for to lose the contrived masks of society is to reveal the divine power in the universe and the self.

Among others, therefore, we inevitably become estranged and incompatible.

The "I" in me, my friend, dwells in the house of silence, and there in it shall remain for ever more, unperceived, unapproachable.

I would not have you believe in what I say nor trust in what I do -- for my words are naught but your own thoughts in sound and my deeds your own hopes in action.

When you say,

 "The wind blows eastward," 

I say, 

"Yes, it does blow eastward"; for I would not have you know that my mind does not dwell upon the wind but upon the sea.

You cannot understand my seafaring thoughts, nor would I have you understand. 

I would be at sea alone.

When it is day with you, my friend, it is night with me; yet even then I speak of the noontide that dances upon the hills and of the purple shadow that steals its way across the valley; for you cannot hear the songs of my darkness nor see my wings beating against the stars -- and I fain would not have you hear or see. I would be with night alone.

When you ascend to your Heaven I descend to my Hell - even then you call to me across the unbridgeable gulf, "My companion, my comrade," and I call back to you, "My comrade, my companion" - for I would not have you see my Hell. The flame would burn your eyesight and the smoke would crowd your nostrils. And I love my Hell too well to have you visit it. I would be in Hell alone.

You love Truth and Beauty and Righteousness; and I for your sake say it is well and seemly to love these things. But in my heart I laugh at your love. Yet I would not have you see my laughter. I would laugh alone.

My friend, you are good and cautious and wise; no, you are perfect -- and I, too, speak with you wisely and cautiously. And yet I am mad. But I mask my madness. I would be mad alone.

My friend, you are not my friend, but how shall I make you understand? 

My path is not your path, yet together we walk, hand in hand.

This is how the madman and the hermit must live, not in antagonism or controversy but alone and separate, in silence. Not donning a new mask, the poet instead demurs and disengages and lets other go their way, safeguarding his own path.

Khalil Gibran

in, The Madman

Dark and Getting Darker

 

Elizabeth Sanderson

Everyone needs a genie and a lamp.

Ancient red handprints in a hard-to-get-to cave.

A wireless charger for their liver

after years of heedless drinking.

Also, not to dematerialize before seeing Venice,

which itself may soon dematerialize

beneath the Adriatic. Upstairs, my brother

bangs the supper dishes. My wish

is to be too drunk to think

about the sermon at the funeral mass,

the priest mumbling no one knew what,

or the coffin fed into the back of the hearse

and driven off with another brother’s body

while his widow went to pieces on the curb.

According to the internet, there are three things

a genie can’t do: no granting the wish for more wishes.

No bringing back the dead. For that,

you’ve got religion. Also, no making someone fall

in love with you. Luckily there are potions,

even if they’re bad for your digestion. I wish

my friend had never been diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

That we still lived together in that house

among the trees. I’d like to go there now

on a magically self-cleaning carpet

for when my dying cat throws up again,

and grieve.

Kim Addonizio

in, Exit Opera 

poema sem título

Ruy Belo

27/2/1933 - 8/8/1978

Um dia alguém numa grande cidade longí­nqua dirá que morri

di-lo-á decerto com pena mas sem o alívio que eu próprio decerto senti

primeiro ao solucionar de vez esse problema de respiração que a vida é

desde a convulsão da criança que a meio do copo deixou ir leite para a traqueia

até a instantânea atrapalhação do mergulhador a quem de súbito falta o ar comprimido

só dispõe da reserva e lhe faltava tanto que ver no fundo sonhador do mar

depois senti alívio porque às vezes a meio por exemplo da aragem na face

eu pensava na morte como problema metafísico a resolver pelo menos com higiene

se não com dignidade com acerto como mais um problema à medida do homem

Eu estava do lado dos vivos estou do lado dos mortos

o grande problema era saber se me doía ou se não me doía

agora nem sei se me doeu ou não ou fui um mero espetáculo de mau gosto

para a única pessoa encarregada de me ajudar nesse momento

Ninguém a princípio terá sabido que eu morrera só minha

mulher avisada de longe virá e me porá a mão sobre a testa

os demais não não disponho do olhar para me defender

o tempo depressa se passa são trâmites legais até me terem deixado

debaixo do chão bem debaixo do chão sem frases lidas

ou gravadas sem sentimento nenhum

Uns dias depois um pequeno grupo junto a uma grande janela

olhará a neblina da manhã de janeiro

e terá mãos que eu tive para os meus problemas de vivos

Onde eu estive sobre uma mesa com uma perna cruzada

suaves começarão a suceder-se e acumular-se os dias

como cartas revistas linguísticas ou livros adormecidos

despertos apenas no momento fugaz da leitura

A vida será indistinta virá até nós como árvores

rodará em volta como um lençol até cobrir-nos os ombros

Falareis de mim não posso impedir que faleis de mim

mas já nada disso me pesa como o simples facto de ter de ser vosso amigo

Estou só e só para sempre e só desde sempre

mas antes por direito de opção. Agora não

Deixaram-me aqui doutor em tantas e tão grandes tristezas portuguesas

e durmo o sono das coisas convivo com minerais preparo a minha juventude definitiva

Era como eu esperava mas não posso dizer-vos nada

pois tendes ainda o problema e a cara da pessoa viva

Ruy Belo

Dealing with loved ones who make you want to scream

 

How much time do we spend wishing people in our lives were different?

Friends, sisters, brothers, parents, sons, daughters . . . we all have someone who takes up a disproportionate amount of mental real estate because of the behaviors we don’t like and resentments we have.

 

1. Maybe they are selfish. 
2. Maybe they don’t call us as much as we would like just to check in, or only ever call us when they need something. 
3. Maybe we always end up picking up the check at lunch, or they get jealous any time something good happens to us. 
4. Or maybe it’s less about their negative traits, and more to do with the fact that we aren’t as close to them as we’d like to be—that in some key way, the relationship isn’t as we’d hoped. 

 

Often we bring our own baggage to these situations:

guilt and regret about the part we feel we had to play in why the relationship is hard, or why they are the person they are today; the ways we take it deeply personally that they are behaving the way they are toward us (despite how they may be doing the same to others!); resentment at all the ways they haven’t been there for us in the past.

We also bring our (often futile) aspirations for what we think the relationship could, or should, be like. This is often nothing more than a fantasy of what we wish it could be. 

All of this winds up being a way of not being present with the actual relationship we have with a person, or with who they are. The baggage we bring to the relationship is a form of living in the past; the idea we cling to of what it should be like is a way of living in some fantasy future. 

A lack of presence can make us spend so much time wishing they were someone else that we miss who they actually are. It keeps us stuck repeating a past dynamic, blind to the opportunity to begin a new chapter in the relationship today, starting from where we stand right now. 

The opposite of this is true presence in our relationships. 

• Presence occurs when we observe what is in the relationship or this person. 
• We accept who they are today, or who they have always been. 
• We accept the relationship that is actually possible with them. 

We no longer expect them to be a certain way, and we ditch the resentment that they are not that way. This is simply what is. 

From this place of acceptance, we are free to just love someone. Or at least to experience them as they are. 

The effect of this is an immediate kind of lightness. 

We have removed the weight of expectation, or the need for change. We are no longer prisoners to the old way of being in the relationship. Out of this can emerge a new relationship with this person—one with a new kind of beauty. 

This kind of presence might make the relationship better than it’s ever been, if for no other reason than the relationship benefits from a new, less heavy kind of energy, and less reactivity on our part. Even if it doesn’t get better, our acceptance removes the frustration and stress of expecting it to change. 

There is, however, a giant caveat to all of this: 

Accepting the relationship as it is only works if we are willing to reset what we are giving to the relationship. 

Accepting people doesn’t work if you keep giving the same amount that’s making you feel resentful in the first place. 

Here’s a new rule: 

Don’t give an amount of time, energy, trust, or support to this person that will make you feel resentful if they stay the same as they are now. 

 

If you never reset your giving, you will always resent their staying the same. 

But, if you recalibrate what you give to this person, you will magically no longer need them to change at all. Then when you do give to them—at a level you’re entirely happy to do—it becomes possible to actually enjoy the giving again. 

This second part of the equation is the part that’s the most overlooked. 

You simply cannot “accept who they are,” while continuing to give the same amount as you used to back when you were expecting more from them, and hope to feel better. 

Remember, you always reserve the right to give more if the relationship changes in positive ways. 

But for now, if you want to feel better: 

1. Accept them as they are. 
2. Accept the relationship as it is. 
3. And reset the giving. 

Key Takeaways

1. The baggage we bring to the relationship is a form of living in the past; the idea we cling to of what it should be like is a way of living in a fantasy future. 

2. Presence occurs when we observe what is in the relationship or this person. We accept who they are today, or have always been. We accept the relationship that is actually possible with them.

3. Acceptance only works if we reset our giving. Don’t give an amount that will make you feel resentful. If you never reset your giving, you will always resent their staying the same.

What About You?

• Who’s been driving you crazy with a certain behavior for a long time? 
• Could you simply accept that this behavior might never change, and accept that a relationship (at whatever distance) IS possible with this person, while losing the expectation of what you’d like the relationship to be? 
• How might taking this pressure off of the relationship actually end up improving it? 
• In which ways do you need to reset the amount you are giving to the relationship in the meantime, and redraw the boundaries? 

Matthew Hussey

Love at First Sight

 Pixabay

They’re both convinced

that a sudden passion joined them.

Such certainty is beautiful,

but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they’d never met before, they’re sure

that there’d been nothing between them.

But what’s the word from the streets, staircases, hallways—

perhaps they’ve passed by each other a million times?

I want to ask them

if they don’t remember—

a moment face to face

in some revolving door?

perhaps a “sorry” muttered in a crowd?

a curt “wrong number” caught in the receiver?—

but I know the answer.

No, they don’t remember.

They’d be amazed to hear

that Chance has been toying with them

now for years.

Not quite ready yet

to become their Destiny,

it pushed them close, drove them apart,

it barred their path,

stifling a laugh,

and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,

even if they couldn’t read them yet.

Perhaps three years ago

or just last Tuesday

a certain leaf fluttered

from one shoulder to another?

Something was dropped and then picked up.

Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished

into childhood’s thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells

where one touch had covered another

beforehand.

Suitcases checked and standing side by side.

One night, perhaps, the same dream,

grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning

is only a sequel, after all,

and the book of events

is always open halfway through.

Wislawa Szymborska

in, MAP: Collected and Last Poems

Principles For Relationships

 

How to improve a relationship, 

whether it be with a spouse, 

sibling, parent, child, friend, or colleague?

1. Conflict Delayed Is Conflict Multiplied.

People wonder why I engage in conflict. I hate conflict. I find it very stressful. But conflict delayed is conflict multiplied. As the conflict is delayed, the reasons multiply. And the persons who are involved demean themselves, get weaker, and less confident. 

I used to see this in my clinical practice with married couples. 

Perhaps you think (moment to moment, at least) that it is best to avoid confrontation and drift along in apparent but false peace. However, make no mistake about it: you age as you drift, just as rapidly as you age as you strive. But you have no direction when you drift, and the probability that you will obtain what you need and want by drifting aimlessly is very low. Things fall apart of their own accord, but the sins of men speed their deterioration: that is wisdom from the ages.

 

2. Don’t Worship People.

What do you want in a relationship? Well, you think 'bliss' but that isn't what you want. As it turns out, you want someone to contend with. You know you don't want a pushover, you don't want everything to be easy, and this is the sort of phenomenon that Kierkegaard was talking about when he talked about deciding to make things more difficult for people because that’s what they want.

If you go out with someone and they worship you, and they agree with your every word, and there's nothing but positive feedback coming from them, you lose respect for them almost instantly, and you wander off and find someone who's more exciting.

Part of the reason for that is that you want the person that you're with to challenge you so that not only do you do reasonably well together but so you can coexist in the same space with a reasonable amount of peace. However, you also want there to be enough tension in the relationship so that you're both involved in the process of mutual transformation.

 

3. It’s Hard to Fix Someone. It’s Even Harder to Fix Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Be Fixed.

It's no good to leave someone struggling in the lurch. However, what if you're with this person, and they're not going anywhere? Maybe they have an alcohol problem, and they're resentful. Then you think you are all they've got. Well, they bloody well better want to have to fix that because you're not going to be able to. 

If they're going to fix it more than anything, and they're willing to tell the truth about it and willing to interact with you, then there's a ghost of the chance you might pull through it. It is tough to fix someone who does not want to be fixed. There are many people like this which is why the answer to the question depends on the particularity of the situation.

 

4. Have Urgency.

When my parents were in their 70's, I only got to see them twice per year due to the long distance. I calculated that if they lived until their mid-eighties, I would only get to see them 40 more times. That's urgent. When you have a ticking clock, there's a sense of urgency that you better get it right. You don't have as many opportunities as you imagine to spend with your loved ones.

 

5. Give Precise, Meaningful Praise.

Watch the people you care about carefully. Extremely carefully and when they do something that you would like to do more of, tell them that it was good and mean it. However, you have to be precise. "Here's what you just did that I think was great". Reward is intensely valuable for modifying behavior.

 

6. Pay Attention to Your Conscience.

When you're formulating relationships in your adolescence and during your early adulthood, you don't have that many experiments to run. You get old a lot faster than you think, so attempt attention. Attention is an underrated faculty; it's not the same as thinking. It's the act of watching to see what's in front of your eyes and guiding yourself as a consequence of what you perceive. It's the faculty that transforms thought if you let it, and your conscience alerts you as well. It alerts you when you're wasting time, and very few people are happy with that. Some are burdened by it more than others, but no one escapes that voice of conscience.

 

7. Remove Resentment.

People struggle to give praise in relationships because of underlying resentment. If you resent someone and they do something good, you opt out of praising them because you don't want to reward them in any shape or form. In the process, you've just punished them for doing what you want.

Jordan B. Peterson

The Wanting-Creature Inside Me

 I said to the wanting-creature inside me:

What is this river you want to cross?

There are no travelers on the river-road, and no road.

Do you see anyone moving about on that bank, or resting?

There is no river at all, and no boat, and no boatman.

There is no tow rope either, and no one to pull it.

There is no ground, no sky, no time, no bank, no ford!

And there is no body, and no mind!

Do you believe there is some place that will make the

soul less thirsty?

In that great absence you will find nothing.

Be strong then, and enter into your own body;

there you have a solid place for your feet.

Think about it carefully!

Don't go off somewhere else!

Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of

imaginary things,

and stand firm in that which you are.

KABIR

in, The Mystical Poems of Kabir

Signs Your Soul Is Trapped

We all know just how important the connection is between body and spirit. 

In fact, the disciplines of psychology and spirituality are much closer connected than you may think. A very important aspect of any spiritual person’s thoughts is the belief in the existence of the immortal soul. It’s an idea with a very long history and one that has brought much comfort to people who are struggling for one reason or another. 

But what does it feel like when your soul is trapped?

When talking about a trapped soul, we mean when a person feels older than they actually are. (And being wise beyond your years is very hip these days, really.) There is a maturity that drives your actions and words, as well as a feeling of a greater belonging with the world, a strong conviction that you do what you do precisely because you want to do it, not because you have to. Mature souls may face many more difficulties in life due to their depth of awareness and heightened sensitivity, but their challenges also bring a great reward. They are normally very creative and produce art that is years ahead of its time. Living with a trapped soul can be painful, but there are things you can do to free your soul a bit more.

Do you think you may be a mature soul trapped in a young body? 

Here are some signs to look out for.

“Free yourself. 

You are the only one that knows what will make you happy.”

 – Anonymous

Here Are 6 Signs Your Soul Is Trapped 

(and How to Free It)

1. You’re not dating anybody

When you feel like you’re older than your years, you don’t want to just have one-night stands and move on to the next one. You crave a mature, long-lasting relationship – maybe even marriage. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it might mean that you’re missing out on living your best life. Try to convince yourself that your time will come and that you don’t need to rush things. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe try online dating or going out to a club – you will feel like you’re living for the day and it might bring an exciting change to your life.

2. You’re on the outside looking in

Do you feel like you don’t fit in with the “popular” crowd at your college or in your workplace? That might be because you expect a maturity from them that you’re not receiving. It can be a lonely place, likely because you feel you can’t relate to any of the people in your circle. To overcome this, try to befriend people one by one and this may help you relax around them. Feel around for their personality and recognize the good things about it. That way, you’ll find it much easier to fit in.

3. You’re lonely

People whose souls are trapped often find themselves at home on a Friday night with nothing to do. That’s because, again, you feel out of place with the people around you. You prefer the peace and quiet of your own home – as well as its safety. There’s nothing wrong with peace and quiet, but try not to spend your best years trapped indoors. Make sure you go out and get a feel for the place you live and the people around you. If you venture out of your shell, you may find enjoyment of a new kind.

4. Social media isn’t for you

You only check your Facebook once in a while and don’t think about it most of the time. You might have Instagram too because your friend recommended it, but you don’t even know or care about Twitter in the least. That’s because you feel like you’re too adult for these things and you don’t want to waste your time on social media. That’s fine – however, consider the option that maybe your social contacts are suffering because of it. Perhaps you have insights and observations that the world needs (including the millions of people on social media.) Find the healthy balance between your life online and your real life and you’ll be much happier.

5. You’re tired a lot

Having an old soul can exhaust you, and positive thinking alone won’t cut it. Sometimes you physically feel like you’re much older than you should be, which means you get tired, you have muscle aches, and you like spending a lot of your time in bed. There’s nothing necessarily bad in that, but consider that it may also indicate that your soul is trapped and needs a release. Try changing your diet, or pick up a sport and see how it makes you feel. Nothing makes a body and soul feel younger than energy and movement.

6. You’re often misunderstood

Whether it’s by your family, your peers or your significant others, you always feel like no one understands you. It’s easy to think that you’re the only person in the world with an old soul, but it’s not always the case. If you can, open up to someone you trust. It can even be a therapist or a spiritual guru who will be able to guide you to embrace the younger aspects of your soul. Learn how to talk to other people about where your soul is right now and feel the space outside of your own mind. It won’t only help you with your social contacts, but it will also expand your worldview. This type of communication can show you the benefits of being wiser, as other people will no doubt be impressed by your knowledge and maturity.

 

Final thoughts

For people who have old souls trapped in young bodies, life can be quite hard and lonely. But don’t despair, you can still be positive and even youthful toward life. 

Find more ways to be involved with the world around you and with your peers. Even if you need to force yourself to integrate into a certain environment, you will often end up feeling enriched by the end. Remember, having an old soul is no flaw; it’s just the way you are. People who love you and understand you will accept you for you, not for who you pretend to be. But it will benefit you massively if you try to free your soul from the trap of weariness by embracing the fullness that this life has to offer.

Kristen & Chris Butler

in, Power of Positivity

Ode 2180

 

Anika Salsera

From these depths depart towards heaven;

may your soul be happy, journey joyfully.

You have escaped from the city full of fear and trembling;

happily become a resident of the Abode of Security4 .

If the body’s image has gone, await the image-maker; if the

body is utterly ruined, become all soul.

If your face has become saffron pale through death, become a

dweller among tulip beds and Judas trees.

If the doors of repose have been barred to you, come, depart

by way of the roof and the ladder.

If you are alone from Friends and companions, by the help of

God become a saheb-qeran5 [lord of happy circumstance].

If you have been secluded from water and bread, like bread

become the food of the souls, and so become

...

This is love: to fly to heaven, every moment to rend a hundred veils;

At first instance, to break away from breath — first step, to renounce feet;

To disregard this world, to see only that which you yourself have seen6 .

I said, “Heart, congratulations on entering the circle of lovers,

“On gazing beyond the range of the eye, on running into the alley of the breasts.”

Whence came this breath, O heart? Whence came this throbbing, O heart?

Bird, speak the tongue of birds: I can heed your cipher!

The heart said, “I was in the factory whilst the home of water and clay was abaking.

“I was flying from the workshop whilst the workshop was being created.

“When I could no more resist, they dragged me; how shall I

tell the manner of that dragging?”

...

Sweetly parading you go my soul of soul, go not without me;

life of your friends, enter not the garden without me.

Sky, revolve not without me; moon, shine not without me;

earth travel not without me, and time, go not without me.

With you this world is joyous, and with you that world is joyous;

in this world dwell not without me, and to that world depart not without me.

Vision, know not without me, and tongue, recite not without

me; glance behold not without me, and soul, go not without me.

The night through the moon’s light sees its face white; I am

light, you are my moon, go not to heaven without me.

The thorn is secure from the fire in the shelter of the roses

face: you are the rose, I your thorn; go not into the rose garden without me.

I run in the curve of your mallet when your eye is with me;

even so gaze upon me, drive not without me, go not without me.

When, joy, you are companion of the king, drink not without

me; when, watchman, you go to the kings roof, go not without me.

Alas for him who goes on this road without your sign; since

you, O signless one, are my sign, go not without me.

Alas for him who goes on the road without my knowledge;

you are the knowledge of the road for me; O road-knower, go not without me.

Others call you love, I call you the king of love; O you who are

higher than the imagination of this and that, go not without me.

RUMI

in, “Mystical Poems of Rumi 2” 

Befriend the Unknown...Surrender to the Mystery

 

Returning Back to Source and Oneness

Dr Joe, at a recent retreat, I had a profound experience during one of the Walking Meditations. Life showed me what it really was; unlimited beauty readily available to everyone and everything at all times – because we are it, and it is us.  

It completely shifted the way I saw reality. I felt like I didn’t need to do anything to get to my future – because it was already done. It already existed in my life trajectory.  

This was the best feeling I ever felt – and I never wanted to feel anything else in my life. It stayed with me for two days, and then slowly faded away. I tried in different ways to get it back – and I did feel it again during another Walking Meditation – but it quickly vanished again. 

My question is, can we feel this way all the time? Or even most of the time? How do we achieve this? Is it just practice and growth? I’d be so very grateful for your response. 

– Chiara

Seeing Beyond the Veil

The first point I want to make is that everyone goes through this at some point in their evolution – including me. The moment Chiara had in her Walking Meditation was what we call “seeing beyond the veil.”

When we connect to this frequency; this invisible field of energy that is closer to oneness and wholeness; we become aware of far more information than we perceive with our mere senses. Our consciousness – our awareness of the so-called reality around us – is forever changed.

When we see beyond the veil, the gap between the way things really are and the way we are is lessened.

In these moments, we’re more conscious – and we feel more connected to harmony and wholeness. That’s because, in that realm beyond space and time, everything is connected. And with that feeling of connection comes a sense of knowingness that eludes words. It’s just hard to describe – because in doing so, we risk diluting the power of the experience itself.

Somehow, we’re ... aligned in a certain way. We bond to a reality we weren’t aware of or connected to before. But once we’ve had an experience of it; once it’s in our awareness; we have this deeper knowing – and we can’t unknow it.

It’s an awakening. Somehow, something we’d had no awareness of previously is now part of us – and part of our destiny.

‘Remember This Feeling’

As I told the woman who asked the question, I want everybody to have this experience. I want everybody to see beyond the veil – because it’s not only enthralling; it’s literally life-changing.

When I have one of those transcendental moments, I say to myself,  

 

“You’ve got to remember this feeling. You have to. This is who you really are. This ... is what it’s really about.”

Suddenly, I’m in a place of pure love – and I am this feeling. And in that place of exuberant, pure love, the unknown is no longer something to fear. And I realize: there’s so much more to life than I was ever aware of.

And, just like Chiara – the woman who asked the question above – the first couple of times I had that experience, I was eager to get back to that place. Having had a taste of that intoxicating connection to the divine within me and all around me, I wanted to experience it every day.

This became a long journey for me – as it does for most people in this work who’ve had an encounter with the mystical. Ultimately, I had to accept a fundamental truth about working in the quantum – and that is that replication and predictability are impossible. Because, if we can predict the outcome, then we’re working in the known. And that’s counter to the very nature of having a mystical experience. The mystical is the unknown.

Longing and Separation

When I heard Chiara’s question, I started to chuckle – because I saw myself in her. I know this situation well. How many times have I tried to predict when the next mystical experience would happen? How many times have I gotten in my own way, thinking I should – or could – control my experience of the unknown?

How often have I spent my days in separation from that moment of connection, waiting for it to happen – so it would take away my lack of not having it? Or analyzing what I could possibly be doing wrong? Or wondering if there was something wrong with me? I’ve come up against these challenges for years.

I’m sharing my experience because I know many of you are facing the same challenges. You’ve had a moment, and you want to get back to that transcendent place. You’re not alone in this desire. We’ve all been there.

We marvel at the fact that we had the experience. We relish the memory of what it felt like to connect to the divine source within. We remember that we felt an extraordinary sense of wholeness – and that we promised ourselves we’d never forget it. And we regret that, despite those intentions, the feeling began to wane within days.

And so, we start trying.

When we sit down to meditate – or stand, or lie down, or walk – all we can think about is how good it felt when we had that experience. We imagine what it would be like to return to it. We want to feel that feeling again.

And without realizing it, our practice becomes about returning to the place we were before – instead of entering the unknown.

But what we’re actually doing, in those moments of longing – of trying to replicate the experience without the feeling – is reinforcing our separation from it. We’re grasping at something; chasing after it. And that continuously amplifies the feeling of lack – of not having it.

As I implored Chiara in our Dr Joe Live conversation, please don’t try to force, control, or predict the outcome of your next experience. Because if you’re looking for it, you’re separate from it. And you can’t attract anything in your life you feel separate from.

Surrendering Outcomes – and Timing

Without question, the tools and methods Chiara is working with – particularly Walking Meditations, where we practice with our eyes open – are great portals to mystical experiences. 

But it’s important to remember that to truly experience the mystical, we have to let go of any attachment to an outcome – including how or when it’s going to happen.

Because – as I mentioned  – predictability and repeatability are impossible in the quantum, it may seem like we sometimes arrive at a similar place, but we can’t arrive at a new outcome if we’re expecting it to happen the same way. 

If we’re trying to control the result, we’re actually limiting our creation.

That rule about predictability applies to timing as well as the experience itself.

Not only do we think we can control how we come into contact with the mystical or the unknown; we somehow think we can control when it happens.

That expectation is the exact thing that limits the likelihood of the moment occurring at all – because, if you can predict anything, that would mean it’s already known to you. 

In other words, it’s the opposite of the unknown.

Ironically, then, the only way to have the experience we seek is to stop seeking it altogether. 

And here, we have the delicate balance of intention and surrender.

So, looking for it, or unconsciously expecting it to happen in a certain way, at a certain time – during meditation, for example – is a huge limitation. It could happen when you lie down at the end of your practice. It could happen when you fall asleep on the couch at the end of a long day. It could happen while you’re staring into a fire, looking out a window, or standing at the sink washing dishes.

If you’re truly open; that mystical moment can find you at any time. 

In fact, our brain-imaging (fMRI) research shows that when we don’t expect anything to happen, that’s when the unexpected happens. It’s a paradox – but finding that balance is the work.

Learning to Be Satisfied With Your Effort

When we have these mystical, profoundly moving experiences, it’s very real to us; more real than what our senses alone can perceive. Such an encounter changes our understanding of the world, and it can never be the same for us.

It makes sense that in touching that greater frequency; that more unified, organized energy – which is love, by the way – we’d want to grow our awareness and experience of it in our waking lives.

It’s important to keep expanding your model and investing yourself in a deeper understanding of the principles at work. To keep learning. To practice living with the apparent tension between the mundane and the mystical.

It’s equally important to just – stay loose. Stay curious. Stay open and playful. And let it happen.

Make it be about your effort, not the result. Make it be about becoming so lost in the act, the act itself creates the experience ... about being so satisfied with your effort, you no longer care when or how the mystical encounter happens – because you already feel like the mystic.

And then, when you finish your meditations, take a moment and put your hands over your heart. Invite that experience back into your life at a time you would never expect it. And, as you reflect on your sincere effort, allow yourself to feel worthy to receive it – whenever it comes.

Dr Joe Dispenza

Golpe de Teatro

 

Daz Smith

Deu-se um golpe de teatro, a vida, 

afinal, tinha outras coisas para mostrar. 

Estava tudo quieto (não falávamos) 

e quanto mais a burocracia dos dias 

se eternizava nos próprios dias, 

mais socos desferíamos no amor, 

outrora fatal. Foste a correr dar 

um mergulho no rio da boa vontade, 

de boa vontade regressaste, cãozinho 

amestrado de circo a saltar de um 

banco para outro, e depois a grande 

sensação, por dentro de um aro 

de fogo. O golpe de teatro foi voltares 

ao mesmo, só que a tua vida 

passou a ser uma violência prática, 

como as funerárias junto aos hospitais.

Helder Moura Pereira

in, Golpe de Teatro

Self-Distancing

 What It Is and How You Can Use It to Make Better Decisions

It’s hard to set your emotions aside when you’re faced with a difficult decision. 

This is problematic, since our emotions often cause us to make the wrong decision in important areas of life, including in our relationships, our finances, and our health.

In general, most people find that setting these emotions aside can be rather difficult when it comes time to make a decision. However, by using a few simple self-distancing techniques, you can significantly reduce the impact of these emotions, in a way that will enable you to make better decisions.

In the following article, you will learn more about the concept of self-distancing, understand why it’s beneficial, and see what you can do in order to implement self-distancing techniques in situations where you need them.

 What is self-distancing

Self-distancing is the act of increasing the distance from your own egocentric perspective when assessing events and emotions that you experience. 

Based on this concept, there are two main perspectives that people use when assessing situations:

Self-distanced perspective. 

A self-distanced perspective is an external perspective that you can use when thinking about an event that you’ve experienced, where the self who is analyzing the event is considered to be distinct from the self who experienced it. For example, a self-distanced perspective is the perspective that you use when you ask yourself “why did you just do that?”.

Self-immersed perspective. 

A self-immersed perspective is an internal perspective that you can also use when thinking about an event that you’ve experienced, where the self who is analyzing the event is considered to be identical to the self who experienced it. For example, a self-immersed perspective is the perspective that you use when you ask yourself “why did I just do that?”.

 

Examples of self-distancing

“I didn’t want to make an emotional decision. I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James and what would make him happy.”

— Basketball player LeBron James describing his decision to leave his old team.

A good example of how people can use self-distancing appears in a study that examined people’s self-talk mechanism, which is a form of intrapersonal communication that people use when they think (i.e. their inner monologue).

The researchers’ starting point was that you can promote self-distance during times of introspection, by using the second-person pronoun (“you”) or by using your own name (e.g. “John”) when thinking about yourself, instead of using the first-person pronoun (“I”).

This concept is based on construal level theory, which suggests that creating psychological distance in one domain can promote psychological distance in other domains, so that increasing people’s psychological distance from a certain event by changing their linguistic self-distance could affect how close they feel to that event from an emotional perspective.

Based on this, the researchers asked the participants in their experiment to recall two personal experiences, one of which was anger-related and one of which was anxiety-related. 

There were two groups of participants:

• Participants in the first group were instructed to think about themselves in the first person. This means, for example, that participants in this group would ask themselves “why did I feel this way?”.
• Participants in the second group were instructed to think about themselves using second-person pronouns or using their own name. This means, for example, that participants in this group would ask themselves “why did you feel this way?” or “why did Jane feel this way?”.

The researchers then measured participants’ self-distance during their recollection of their past experiences. What they found was that the simple change in perception allowed participants to increase their emotional self-distance when considering these events.

Essentially, when people referred to themselves in the second-person or using their own name, they were able to improve their ability to detach emotionally from the situation. This improvement is important, because increasing emotional self-distance has been shown to have several important benefits, as we will see in the next section.

 

The benefits of self-distancing

Research has shown that using self-distancing techniques can be beneficial in several ways.

First, as we saw in the example above, self-distancing can help people cope with difficult events from their past. This is in line with other research on the topic, which shows that self-distancing can decrease the duration of negative emotions and help reduce aggressive thoughts and angry feelings. 

Furthermore, self-distancing can also help people deal with socially distressful situations, even when those people are naturally prone to social anxiety. 

Moreover, increased self-distance can improve people’s access to emotion regulation strategies, which in turn can lead to other benefits, such as a reduction in depressive symptoms.

Part of this is attributed to the fact self-distancing encourages people to engage in adaptive self-reflection, which allows them to handle difficult emotions in a positive manner. This is contrasted with using a self-immersed perspective, which often leads to maladaptive self-reflection, which involves, for example, the tendency to obsessively ruminate over past events.

Another advantage of using self-distancing is related to people’s wise reasoning, which is the ability to do things such as recognize the limits of your knowledge and remember the importance of being willing to compromise.

Specifically, people tend to display high levels of wise reasoning when they give advice to others, but not when they decide how to act themselves. However, when people use self-distancing techniques, by asking themselves what kind of advice they would give to a friend if they were in the same situation, people are able to reduce this asymmetry in their insights, and apply the same reasoning skills to their own dilemmas as they would to those of others. 

As one book on the topic states:

“The advice we give others, then, has two big advantages: It naturally prioritizes the most important factors in the decision, and it downplays short-term emotions. That’s why, in helping us to break a decision logjam, the single most effective question may be: What would I tell my best friend to do in this situation?”

— From “Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work“

Finally, increasing self-distance also has direct benefits when it comes to improving people’s decision-making ability, since self-distancing has been shown to reduce decisional biases under a variety of conditions, and to improve decision-making during times of information overload. 

This can be attributed to the fact that a self-centered, egocentric mindset makes people more likely to use a “hot” and emotional reasoning process, from a cognitive perspective, while a self-distanced, ego-decentered mindset makes people more likely to use a “cold” and rational reasoning process.

Overall, research shows that smart implementation of self-distancing techniques has numerous benefits. These include, among others, an improved ability to cope with negative emotions, an improved ability to cope with stressful situations, and an improved ability to make rational decisions.

 

How to create self-distance

There are various techniques that you can use in order to increase your psychological self-distance.

First, as we saw earlier, you can use self-distancing language, by referring to yourself in the second or third person in your internal monologue. 

For example, this means that when faced with a difficult decision, instead of asking yourself 

“why am I worried about this?” 

you should ask yourself

“why are you worried about this?”.

You can also increase your self-distance by trying to view the situation from an alternative viewpoint, that is different from your own. 

For example, if you got into a fight with someone, you could try to consider what the fight looked like not only from your own perspective, but also from the perspective of the other person, or from the perspective of a neutral external observer.

Furthermore, in some cases, when deciding what to do, you can also try to visualize the perspective of an exemplar, which is someone you admire, and then ask yourself what would they do in that situation.

In addition, you can ask yourself what advice you would give to someone else—especially a friend—if they were in your situation.

Finally, you can also create self-distance through other methods, such as expressive writing, which involves writing about your thoughts and feelings when you’re trying to analyze an event that you’ve experienced.

Overall, there are many techniques that you can use to increase your self-distance, in order to help yourself make more rational decisions. 

The two most notable techniques for this involve using self-distancing language in your inner monologue, or visualizing other people’s perspective when analyzing events that you’ve experienced.

 

Summary and Conclusions

 

1. Self-distancing involves increasing the psychological distance from your own self-centered perspective when assessing events that you experience.
2. Self-distancing allows you to detach yourself from emotional situations, which can help you cope with negative emotions, such as stress and anger.
3. Self-distancing can also help you to make more rational decisions, and encourage you to use effective reasoning skills when deciding how to act.
4. You can create self-distance by modifying the language that you use during times of introspection, and specifically by referring to yourself in the second or third person (e.g. “what should you do?” or “what should John do?”) instead of using the first-person pronoun (e.g. “what should I do?”).
5. You can also create self-distance by considering events from an external perspective that is different than your own, such as the perspective of a person that you were talking to, or the perspective of an external observer who watched an interaction that you were involved in.

Itamar Shatz

Pixabay 

Self-distancing 

is one of the most important 

meta-skills you can master in life.

It can help you:

1. become more empathetic
2. reduce conflict with people you care about
3. problem-solve thorny issues
4. enhance your long-term growth

Self-distancing is an umbrella term for any practice that helps you to mentally 'step outside of yourself' so that you're choosing your next action, instead of just reacting. It means you gain the perspective to look at a reflection and advise accordingly, rather than being submerged in a spiral of your own thoughts and emotions.

As Holocaust survivor and author of Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl points out,

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

Different practices of self-distancing provide that space.

Here are a few different ways to master this approach:

Adopt someone else's viewpoint. 

"How would I see this situation if I were x? What might make them think like this?" This is particularly useful when you disagree with someone. If you can see the bigger picture from someone else's perspective and aren't just limited to your narrow worldview, you are far more likely to find the nuance and shades of gray that might actually be useful in the conversation. Perspective-taking is a game changer.

Pause before you respond. 

A literal breath or countdown or moment of reflection before a reaction. This is a muscle that meditation helps to build, but it can also be as simple as "I take 5 seconds to myself before responding in heated conversations." Arguments with my younger brother (about anything and to this day) continue to be a wonderful place to practice this skill.A pause increases your chances of choosing a thoughtful response, or at least lowers the intensity of any emotion. Even if it's only a few seconds, patience creates distance. Distance creates the power to choose.

Practice active listening. 

By concentrating on someone else to hear what's actually being said, not just the emotion behind it, you are turning down your own 'self' to understand someone else's perspective. You don't have to agree, but listening validates others' feelings and bridges communication gaps. By hearing what someone other than you is saying (not just waiting for your turn to speak), listening becomes the foundation of shared understanding.

Create regular moments of reflection. 

Regardless of the format, find spaces in your life to consider what is going well and what could be improved. Record a voice memo. Write it down. By having space to think and forcing yourself to put it down in a format where you can see it or hear it outside the walls of your mind, you turn your thoughts into something just in front of you, as opposed to an endless spiral. You are putting limits around this 'thing', which grants you the power to wrestle with it, and decide if it's true or if it still serves you. That is how you encourage continuous learning. That is how reflection becomes a pathway to growth.

Self-distancing isn't just about seeing things from a new angle; it's a practice of transformation. Transformation from a mind trapped by your thoughts to one that chooses intention and deliberation in line with what matters most to you and who you most wish to be in the world.

By adopting another's viewpoint, pausing before reacting, practicing active listening, and reflecting regularly, you arm yourself with tools for profound wisdom.

These strategies allow us to act with intention rather than react out of habit. 

They give us the power to shape our responses and, by extension, our relationships and our growth.

Danny Kenny