Being Different

Skypixel

Being Different

They said I was weird

They said I think differently

They said I looked different

They said I wasn’t normal

Is it the way I walk?

Is it the way I talk?

Is it the way I eat?

Do my thoughts bother you all?

Do my speeches enrage you all?

Or have you ever imagined that maybe

Just maybe that it was you guys

Weren’t your minds to caged?

Weren’t your speeches too eager to please others?

Did you feel me not right because you guys were locking yourselves in?

So for once let us be free

The ill will I bore will be no longer

Let us smile and call off all the past events

I wish we can talk and laugh

But alas it is but a will of my own

You can just sit in your comfortable norms

While I will venture myself to the unknowns

And let us meet again after decades

Then I’ll show you how my “weirdness” earned more life

How my “weirdness” earned more friends

How my “weirdness” earned more values

So call me a fool now

Because this is the last time you’ll be able to

And when the time comes

I’ll return the smugness you all faced me with

Custous Angelus

Self-Differentiation

Red Scared Pot

We were born to become ourselves.

But for those of us who grew up in emotionally immature, enmeshed, or dysfunctional families, something got in the way.

We weren’t allowed to fully separate—emotionally, mentally, or relationally.

We were shaped by guilt, roles, silent expectations, and unspoken rules.

And so, instead of growing into our true Self, we adapted into the version others expected us to be.

 That’s why self-differentiation is so life-changing.

What is self-differentiation?

It’s the process of separating who you truly are from who your dysfunctional family taught you to be.

Not with anger.

Not with emotional cutoffs.

Not with people-pleasing, rescuing, or reacting.

But with clarity.

With calmness.

With emotional maturity.

And by becoming your real Self—even if every attempt to be that person was met with resistance, guilt, shame, or silence.

It’s the method I’ve used for decades—and the only one that helped me (and thousands of others) finally break free from the emotional pull of their family system.

When you self-differentiate, 

here’s what begins to shift:

1. We stay true to ourselves despite pressure – We don’t let guilt, emotional reactivity, or fear of rejection pull us back into dysfunction.
2. We are self-aware – We recognize our emotions, thoughts, desires, boundaries and preferences, separate from our family programming or external expectations.
3. We are self-defined – We know where we begin and where others end, standing firm in our own values and opinions.
4. We are self-regulated – We manage our emotions clearly and calmly, even in difficult situations or when dealing with reactive people.
5. We are self-responsible – We take ownership of our emotions, behaviors, responses, beliefs, and well-being, without blaming others or expecting them to change.
6. We remain ourselves and let others be themselves – We don’t try to change or control others, nor do we allow them to dictate who we are.
7. We respect others' right to remain the same or grow at their own pace – We allow others the freedom to make their own choices, even if they never change.
8. We focus on our response to dysfunction – Instead of trying to control how others act, we focus on how we respond, with clarity, detachment, and self-respect.
9. We see our role in relationship dynamics – We recognize and break unhealthy patterns rather than repeating them.
10. We focus on Emotional Process, not Content – We don’t get caught up in surface-level drama or excuses. Instead, we look at the deeper emotional patterns driving the relationship.

 

This is not self-help fluff.

This is deep, inner rewiring.

Self-differentiation doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s not a quick fix or a clever strategy.

But it is the most powerful process I’ve found to create lasting change—because it doesn’t just help you understand your pain.

It helps you finally live outside of it.

It’s how I healed from my own family system.

It’s how I found peace.

And it’s what I’ve taught to thousands of others who were tired of endlessly cycling through recovery that never quite worked.

Because at its core, self-differentiation is not about changing others—

It’s about finally becoming you.

 

Jerry Wise

  Differentiation of Self: 

An Overview & Why It’s Important 

in Relationships

  

  

Differentiation of self is a psychological state in which someone can maintain their sense of self, identity, thoughts, and emotions when emotionally or physically close with others, particularly within intense or intimate relationships.

  

  What Is Differentiation of Self?  

 

Differentiation of self means separating personal feelings and thoughts from those of partners, friends, or other intimate networks.1 Doing so may sound simple, but this ability is not innate and rarely employed.

For example, emotions like anger, lust, sadness, and jealousy can override thoughts and actions. The higher the level of differentiation, the higher the ability to acknowledge these feelings without becoming misguided by them. The differentiated individual can process and address these feelings while maintaining decision-making or problem-solving skills.

You will not find codependency in a highly differentiated relationship. Instead you will find a relationship built on interdependence. A differentiated partnership consists of two solid individuals with their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and beliefs and a mutual appreciation for those of their partner.

Differentiation of Self in Relationships 

 

Our level of differentiation is highly dependent on our family of origin. We are all born reliant on a caregiver and their emotional cues, nourishment, and state of mind as our sole means of suistanment. Therefore, we find ourselves in a state of “fusion” when entagling our emotions and reactions with others.1

Conversely, “cut-off” is the opposite of fusion and the propensity to disengage.1 Sometimes, this disengagement is obvious, like moving across the country and limiting contact. Other times, cut-off can happen within the same household. For instance, a couple is physically together but lack intimacy or closeness.

Differentiation is about maintaining individuality within the structure of intimacy. Highly differentiated individuals learn these skills independently. Unless people are lucky enough to be raised by caregivers with high levels of differentiation, patterns developed in childhood continue and transmit to the next generation. Instead, differentiation grows through conscious effort.

How to Measure Your Level of Differentiation 

You can often determine your level of differentiation by exploring your behaviors. Differentiated individuals view themselves separately from their partners, taking responsibility for their own actions, feelings, and beliefs.

Below are questions to ask yourself to determine your level of differentiation:

1. Do you always see your partner as the problem?
2. Do you mostly work on letting go of problems rather than solving them?
3. Do you let feelings fester until they explode?
4. Do you feel pulled to match your partner’s emotional state, such as when they’re in anger, crisis, or sadness?
5. Do you conceal how you really feel about things?
6. Do you console yourself through substances or other unhelpful methods?
7. Do you say what you know others want to hear?
8. Do you talk to your friends about your relationship problems instead of your partner?
9. Do you have affairs?
10. Do you lose yourself in your partner?
11. Do you have sex you no longer want?
12. Do you agree to things you have no interest in doing?
13. Do you demand, directly or indirectly, compliments and praise?
14. Do you seek to control others instead of controlling yourself?
15. Do you concern yourself with the needs of others but disregard your own?

Differentiated individuals tend to answer “no” to these questions. 

While these questions are not diagnostic of you specifically, they do tend to be diagnostic of undifferentiated behaviors, which may help give you a sense of where on the spectrum you may hover.

Common Characteristics of Differentiated Individual 

Differentiated individuals often engage in shared core skills and behaviors. Those skills develop over time and through conscious effort. Some may achieve these characteristics in childhood, while others learn independently from caregivers.

Here are some typical characteristics of differentiated individuals:

1. Solid Sense of Self 

Differentiated individuals can maintain their beliefs and attitudes in the face of pressure to conform. They do not tailor themselves to avoid conflict. They are usually fairly good at managing these situations and prefer others to see them accurately.

2. Seeking Understanding Rather Than Agreement 

Differentiated individuals do not typically keep the peace for the sake of peace. These people resolve problems rather than let them fester. They expect their partners to behave similarly, even if they do not see things eye-to-eye.

3. Ability to Self-Validate 

A hallmark of differentiation is self-validation. Most often, we seek validation from others based on how we look, live our lives, or think. Someone dependent on external validation may tailor and tweak themselves to the person or the situation. This behavior inevitably leaves them feeling empty.

While validation feels nice, differentiated individuals do not depend on others for their worth. They only want validation based on their true selves. However, they know people will not always agree or approve—and they feel just fine with that.

4. Ability to Self-Soothe 

Differentiated individuals do not self-soothe with substances, reliance on their partners, or unhealthy coping mechanisms. They do not expect others to help with everyday anxieties around difficult conversations, authenticity, or conflict. They possess an ability to manage and tolerate difficult feelings.

5. Tolerating Short-Term Pain for Long-Term Growth 

Differentiated individuals are willing to take on short-term discomfort for personal or relationship growth. People without this willingness often feel stagnant in therapy as they invest in maintaining the status quo rather than tackling short-term anxiety, pain, or discomfort. Differentiation of self moves you forward.

  

  

 Why Is Differentiation of Self Important? 

Someone consciously working on their level of differentiation quickly experiences increased confidence, congruence within themselves, self-pride, assertiveness, and many more positive elements of personal growth. These feelings become self-perpetuating.

For example, the self-satisfaction after one makes positive changes can be incredibly rewarding. The outcome becomes less important when the individual feels pride in handling a difficult situation.

Using these behaviors in romantic or intimate relationships becomes easier with practice, allowing you to apply them to any other social connection. Differentiation has no end point, and people rarely return to their previous behaviors after learning the benefits of honoring self-worth.

How to Improve Your Level of Differentiation

Improving differentiation of self starts by accepting yourself and honestly portraying your personality to others. Avoid relying on external validation for internal self-worth. Focus on reaching your own goals and honoring your values.

Here are ways to help you monitor and boost your self-differentiation:

Increase Your Willingness to Self-Confront 

A better understanding of yourself and your values is often the first step toward change. Who do you want to be? What kind of partner do you want to be? Are you meeting your own standards? How do you want to live your life? Focus on building a life that makes sense based on your thoughts, needs, and wants.

Don’t Change Based on Who You’re With 

Always show your true self, especially with people who matter to you. Doing so can be very difficult for individuals who struggle with conflict, codependence, agreement, or validation. Ask yourself if you would prefer others to approve of a fake facade or your real identity.

Think Long-Term 

Be willing to tolerate short-term pain for long-term growth. People can sit in the status quo of unhappiness for years or decades. Many find themselves languishing in therapy for ages because they rely on therapy to tolerate the crisis of the week instead of tackling the problem. Increasing your level of differentiation is not easy or everyone would do so naturally.

Talk to a Therapist 

Seek a therapist specializing in differentiation-based therapy if you want to increase your level of differentiation. Therapists can have low levels of differentiation, just like anyone else. Therefore, choosing a therapist, counselor, or psychologist with experience is important. They can be helpful guides by modeling differentiated behaviors during sessions.

Other approaches to therapy may help you reach your overall goals, but not necessarily differentiation. Some therapy approaches even directly conflict with the principles of differentiation by increasing fusion and its associated behaviors.

  

  Final Thoughts 

You are never “done” with increasing your differentiation of self. 

Differentiation is like a spectrum, with life presenting constant opportunities and challenges that tempt us toward undifferentiated thoughts and behaviors. 

The fact these opportunities exist means there is ample opportunity to begin differentiation work. Whether in a romantic relationship or with our parents, differentiation is everywhere.

  

  

  

  

  Dr. Paul-Roy Taylor

  

The Differentiated Self: 

creating healthy relationship

• What does it mean to love someone without being emotionally enmeshed? 
• How can we be solid within our own true self without other people’s decisions completely shaking our foundation? 

Here I discuss the concept of differentiation and how it impacts relationship.

The term “differentiation” has recently come up in my own individual therapy as one of the core issues that I must address within myself. My hope in this article is not only to discover what it means to be well differentiated but why it’s important for us to understand its complexities.

As I reflect on my own life I remember scenes where someone else’s decision (whether good or bad) totally took me out. Days of crying myself to sleep, weeks of disorientation and numbness, months of depression; this has happened within my own family relationships, interpersonal relationships, romantic relationships and also organizational ones. 

I am realizing what Kerr and Bowen said nearly 30 years ago that “poorly differentiated persons tend to be more emotionally reactive” (p. 320) is completely true of me. 

• Why do I allow other people’s feelings, opinions, decisions to have so much power over my own? 
• How do I (and we) learn to be well differentiated? 

Seems not only an important question to answer but a vital remedy to continuous patterns of heartbreak.

Skowron and Freidlander (1998) refer to: 

“Differentiation of self is defined as the degree to which one is able to balance (a) emotional and intellectual functioning and (b) intimacy and autonomy in relationships (Bowen, 1978). On an intrapsychic level, differentiation refers to the ability to distinguish thoughts from feelings and to choose between being guided by one’s intellect or one’s emotions” (Bowen, 1976, 1978).

 

Basically, differentiation means a healthy separation of one’s self.

When a rupture happens we tend to immediately turn inward towards self-contempt or outward to blame, to shared contempt (other-centered contempt) as an effort to get the dysfunction outside of ourselves as quickly as possible. 

Neither of these options are helpful solutions to the core issue of emotional enmeshment and triangulation, thus the need for discovering how to attain healthy differentiation.

Emotional enmeshment and triangulation are subtle forms of abuse and consequently more difficult to address because of their subversive nature. 

The easiest form of triangulation/enmeshment to recognize is that of Parent/Child/Parent 

Note: Emotional triangles can happen anywhere, read Edwin Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, Chapter 7, if you want a more in-depth reading on emotional triangles. 

Dr. Allender also talks about triangulation in his new book, Healing the Wounded Heart (2016), in referring to the origins of Parent/Child/Parent enmeshment he writes, 

“It is a simple equation: to the extent there is a loss of intimacy, passion and purpose with one’s spouse the higher the probability a child will be used as a spousal replacement.” 

We find ourselves lured into these triangulated relationships because we have a holy desire to be included, affirmed and loved. At first, these relationships give life and the promise of hope fulfilled, but over time the emotional drainage serves to only take our very life away.

A metaphor of differentiation that is helpful is that of a raging river. 

Imagine a loved one who is caught in the raging rapids. 

Maybe they are in the throngs of addiction, maybe just incredibly depressed or lonely, but regardless they are drowning. Of course, our first instinct is to jump in and rescue them, thinking that is what love looks like. But if you jump into the raging river you too will surely be sucked into the torrent and swept away by the rapids. 

That is not love, but suicide. 

True love and proper differentiation is to stand on solid ground, with feet firmly planted on the water’s edge, with your arm reaching out towards your loved one, allowing them to swim towards your hand when they are ready to receive the help they long to attain.

So what do you do if you notice you are involved in an emotional enmeshed and triangulated relationship? 

We must first not turn against ourselves or the other. 

Whether we are initiating the unhealthy relationship or merely caught in the web of it, we must be gentle and kind to the why we got into the relationship in the first place. 

Second, we must have the courage to name and address what needs to be changed within our own heart, and not focus on what we hope to change in the other people involved. 

1. Why were you drawn to this type of relationship? 
2. What core needs are you attempting to meet by being triangulated or promoting a triangulated dynamic?
3. What does the quality of the relationship say about you?

And finally, we must reclaim a strong sense of self. 

• Do you know who you are separate from the blessing or curse of another? 
• Do you know your place in the Universe? 

We must have a deeply anchored sense of who we are, rooted in who the Universe has called us to be. 

If not, we can be seduced away by well-intentioned folks who unconsciously wish to divert us so they can get they own emotional needs met.

Being well differentiated does not mean being emotionally closed off or cold hearted, but quite the opposite. 

It means being so in touch with how you feel and why you feel it, that you make the difficult choice of doing what is best for you. 

This is not a selfish act; knowing what emotions are yours to bear and which emotions are not, are a sign of emotionally maturity and growth.

Andrew J. Bauman

Self-differentiation, in the context of psychology and relationships, refers to the ability to maintain a sense of self, identity, thoughts, and feelings while being emotionally or physically close to others, especially in intense or intimate relationships. 

It's the ability to distinguish between one's own thoughts and feelings and those of others, fostering both intimacy and autonomy. 

Key aspects of self-differentiation:

1. Recognizing your own thoughts and feelings: Being able to identify your own internal experience and separate it from the experiences of others. 
2. Establishing boundaries: Setting healthy limits in relationships without feeling guilt or shame. 
3. Emotional regulation: Managing your own emotions and not being overly reactive to the emotions of others. 
4. Balance between intimacy and independence: Maintaining connection and autonomy in relationships. 
5. Self-validation: Trusting your own thoughts and feelings, rather than relying solely on external validation. 

Why is it important?

Healthy relationships:

Differentiation is crucial for building strong and fulfilling relationships, as it allows individuals to maintain their sense of self while connecting with others. 

Personal growth:

Developing a differentiated self can lead to increased confidence, congruence, and self-pride. 

Resilience:

It helps individuals navigate challenging situations and conflicts more effectively, as they are less likely to become emotionally entangled with others. 

Examples of self-differentiation in action:

Setting boundaries with family: 

Telling your parents that you cannot answer their calls during the work day. 

Communicating your needs in a relationship: 

Clearly expressing your feelings and preferences to your partner. 

Remaining calm in a heated argument: 

Not reacting to another person's anger by also becoming angry, but instead taking a step back and communicating your perspective. 

In essence, self-differentiation is about fostering a healthy balance between connection and autonomy, allowing individuals to maintain their sense of self while building strong and fulfilling relationships. 

Generative AI

Puppet Boy

 

Living life on a string,

I sat on the shelf above the wood carvers bench.

I stare out the window as a shooting star fades into the night sky,

It flies away, it has no strings, unlike me.

I was a popular toy,

The woodcarvers favourite in fact,

he would always show me off to the boys and girls,

a tap of the foot, a tip of the hat, the usual evening act.

He doesn’t play with me anymore,

He hasn’t for a very long time.

He’s been under the covers of his bed,

I’m afraid he’ll never wake up.

The room is often dark, damp and very cold,

The wood of my body is starting to splinter and mould.

A rotten stench fills the room and floods my nose,

A vase is filled with rancid water and a single, wilted rose.

I try to move but my body is as stiff as a board.

I try to call for help but my mouth does not open.

The paint that was once my eyes has faded away,

Blinding me in one eye, but I can still almost see the sky.

The speckles in the dark,

The stars in the great abyss,

What secrets do they hold,

Are they like me, do they got old, do they have strings like me?

The question bounces around my empty shell.

Another blink, a flash of light,

Pierces the sky with its mighty flight.

Followed by another, and another, and another

And another…

The sky filled with beams of light,

Stars travelling freely through the night,

No strings to hold them back.

A creak, a crack, and a fall.

The shelf had finally succumbed to the rot,

And with its contents, I begin my descent,

The cold dark floor below me making its approach.

Fear should have gripped me,

But instead, a warmth filled its place.

Is this how the stars feel when they fall from the sky?

It feels almost… peaceful.

I feel for the first time in a long time,

Like I can smile.

Falling with the stars,

I can’t help but feel happy.

There are no strings on me…

I am free…

desconhecido

Psychology And ‘Pinocchio’

Canvas

 What happens to Pinocchio 

is exactly what 

Nietzsche described 

at the end of the 19th century.

“Pinocchio” is a story that includes an initiation ritual and a journey to the depths (the underworld). 

It is a story of the consequence of a collapse of previous personality and the disintegration of that previous personality into a chaotic state prior to rebirth.

Pinocchio, a puppet, tries to become a real boy. In the beginning, he is a marionette. 

Carl Jung explained that is your habitual state of being: Something else is pulling your strings.

Even the idea that you are autonomous is the consequence of something else pulling your strings, so for Jung, what you needed to do was find out exactly who and what is pulling your strings and decide if that is the direction in which you want to go. That is what happens to Pinocchio in the story.

Pinocchio is a marionette made by Geppetto, a good father. 

He is a marionette with a benevolent puppeteer. But as soon as he develops some autonomy, he becomes prey to forces that are elements of the demonic archetype. In fact, the worst bad guy in the entire story turns into Satan himself. So Pinocchio goes through a series of temptations of various sorts, including a Freudian temptation to remain weak and sickly instead of becoming a real person. 

Another temptation Pinocchio faces is being offered false celebrity as a way of solving his life’s problems. He is offered the opportunity to become an actor when a deceitful fate constructs a persona that makes him appear far more valuable than he really is. 

These are two pathological modes of movement towards maturity — one being a phony, and the other taking the easy way out and hyper-valuing pathologies to the degree he becomes dependent.

The third pathological development offered to Pinocchio occurs on Pleasure Island, which is to do nothing but engage in short-term impulsive and destructive play. But when he goes to Pleasure Island, he finds that the island is actually ruled by demonic forces, faceless entities who are transforming all the pleasure-seeking marionettes into donkeys who are slaves. Pinocchio escapes from that by jumping into the unknown, represented by jumping into the water, which is equivalent to plunging into chaos — his exposure to his initiation. In other words, chaos was an escape from pathological tyranny.

Now, the cricket. 

While I cannot tell you everything about this element of the story, I can tell you a couple strange notions about it. The initials are J.C., and Jiminy Cricket was a common, mild-form of Southern American cursing; it is the equivalent of Jesus Christ. So you might think, and of course, the cricket is Pinocchio’s conscience. 

So why in the world would a pejorative term for Jesus Christ be applied to a cricket who is guiding a puppet into the water to rescue his father from a whale? 

Why would any of that happen? 

You know why but you cannot say why. 

You cannot say why you know or what it is you know, but the mere fact that it makes sense — and it does — is an indication from a Jungian perspective that you are operating at an archetypal level.

Further, the cricket is a bug. 

Why might this be? 

Well, things bug you. 

You should do something about the things that bug you because that is your conscience calling to you. It is destiny, in some sense, manifesting itself as an unconscious impulse. 

Now, there are a lot of things out there that might bug you; some of them do not, but lots of them do. 

Why do certain things bug you and not other things? 

That is a complicated question, but one potential answer is that there is part of your psyche that is oriented towards further development. 

Jung would call that the self — essentially, the totality of everything you could be. 

It is a strange sort of entity because it is partly potential and it is potential that expands across time. 

But the way that your potential totality calls to you in the present is by placing things in front of you that are your problem. They announce themselves as your problem by bothering you. 

So if you pick up the task of fixing the thing that bothers you, then you find the pathway to further expansion of your personality.

Jordan Peterson

   

 Friedrich Nietzsche

“On Truth and Lies in a Nonmoral Sense”

Once upon a time, in some out of the way corner of that universe which is dispersed into numberless twinkling solar systems, there was a star upon which clever beasts invented knowing. That was the most arrogant and mendacious minute of “world history,” but nevertheless, it was only a minute. After nature had drawn a few breaths, the star cooled and congealed, and the clever beasts had to die.

One might invent such a fable, and yet he still would not have adequately illustrated how miserable, how shadowy and transient, how aimless and arbitrary the human intellect looks within nature. There were eternities during which it did not exist. And when it is all over with the human intellect, nothing will have happened. For this intellect has no additional mission which would lead it beyond human life. Rather, it is human, and only its possessor and begetter takes it so solemnly — as though the world’s axis turned within it. But if we could communicate with a gnat, we would learn that he likewise flies through the air with the same solemnity, that he feels the flying center of the universe within himself. There is nothing so reprehensible and unimportant in nature that it would not immediately swell up like a balloon at the slightest puff of this power of knowing. And just as every porter wants to have an admirer, so even the proudest of men, the philosopher, supposes that he sees on all sides the eyes of the universe telescopically focused upon his action and thought.

A uniformly valid and binding designation is invented for things, and this legislation of language likewise establishes the first laws of truth. For the contrast between truth and lie arises here for the first time. The liar is a person who uses the valid designations, the words, in order to make something which is unreal appear to be real. He says, for example, “I am rich,” when the proper designation for his condition would be “poor.” He misuses fixed conventions by means of arbitrary substitutions or even reversals of names. If he does this in a selfish and moreover harmful manner, society will cease to trust him and will thereby exclude him. What men avoid by excluding the liar is not so much being defrauded as it is being harmed by means of fraud. Thus, even at this stage, what they hate is basically not deception itself, but rather the unpleasant, hated consequences of certain sorts of deception. It is in a similarly restricted sense that man now wants nothing but truth: he desires the pleasant, life-preserving consequences of truth. He is indifferent toward pure knowledge which has no consequences.

Are they perhaps products of knowledge, that is, of the sense of truth? Are designations congruent with things? Is language the adequate expression of all realities?

[…]

What is a word? It is the copy in sound of a nerve stimulus. But the further inference from the nerve stimulus to a cause outside of us is already the result of a false and unjustifiable application of the principle of sufficient reason… We speak of a “snake”: this designation touches only upon its ability to twist itself and could therefore also fit a worm. What arbitrary differentiations! What one-sided preferences, first for this, then for that property of a thing!

The various languages placed side by side show that with words it is never a question of truth, never a question of adequate expression; otherwise, there would not be so many languages. The “thing in itself” (which is precisely what the pure truth, apart from any of its consequences, would be) is likewise something quite incomprehensible to the creator of language and something not in the least worth striving for. This creator only designates the relations of things to men, and for expressing these relations he lays hold of the boldest metaphors… It is this way with all of us concerning language; we believe that we know something about the things themselves when we speak of trees, colors, snow, and flowers; and yet we possess nothing but metaphors for things — metaphors which correspond in no way to the original entities… A word becomes a concept insofar as it simultaneously has to fit countless more or less similar cases — which means, purely and simply, cases which are never equal and thus altogether unequal. Every concept arises from the equation of unequal things. Just as it is certain that one leaf is never totally the same as another, so it is certain that the concept “leaf” is formed by arbitrarily discarding these individual differences and by forgetting the distinguishing aspects. This awakens the idea that, in addition to the leaves, there exists in nature the “leaf”: the original model according to which all the leaves were perhaps woven, sketched, measured, colored, curled, and painted — but by incompetent hands, so that no specimen has turned out to be a correct, trustworthy, and faithful likeness of the original model… We obtain the concept, as we do the form, by overlooking what is individual and actual; whereas nature is acquainted with no forms and no concepts, and likewise with no species, but only with an X which remains inaccessible and undefinable for us.

What then is truth? A movable host of metaphors, metonymies, and anthropomorphisms: in short, a sum of human relations which have been poetically and rhetorically intensified, transferred, and embellished, and which, after long usage, seem to a people to be fixed, canonical, and binding. Truths are illusions which we have forgotten are illusions — they are metaphors that have become worn out and have been drained of sensuous force, coins which have lost their embossing and are now considered as metal and no longer as coins.

To be truthful means to employ the usual metaphors. Thus, to express it morally, this is the duty to lie according to a fixed convention, to lie with the herd and in a manner binding upon everyone… From the sense that one is obliged to designate one thing as “red,” another as “cold,” and a third as “mute,” there arises a moral impulse in regard to truth. The venerability, reliability, and utility of truth is something which a person demonstrates for himself from the contrast with the liar, whom no one trusts and everyone excludes.

As a “rational” being, he now places his behavior under the control of abstractions. He will no longer tolerate being carried away by sudden impressions, by intuitions. First he universalizes all these impressions into less colorful, cooler concepts, so that he can entrust the guidance of his life and conduct to them. Everything which distinguishes man from the animals depends upon this ability to volatilize perceptual metaphors in a schema, and thus to dissolve an image into a concept.

If I make up the definition of a mammal, and then, after inspecting a camel, declare “look, a mammal” I have indeed brought a truth to light in this way, but it is a truth of limited value. That is to say, it is a thoroughly anthropomorphic truth which contains not a single point which would be “true in itself” or really and universally valid apart from man.

At bottom, what the investigator of such truths is seeking is only the metamorphosis of the world into man. He strives to understand the world as something analogous to man, and at best he achieves by his struggles the feeling of assimilation. Similar to the way in which astrologers considered the stars to be in man’s service and connected with his happiness and sorrow, such an investigator considers the entire universe in connection with man: the entire universe as the infinitely fractured echo of one original sound-man; the entire universe as the infinitely multiplied copy of one original picture-man. His method is to treat man as the measure of all things, but in doing so he again proceeds from the error of believing that he has these things [which he intends to measure] immediately before him as mere objects. He forgets that the original perceptual metaphors are metaphors and takes them to be the things themselves.

Only by forgetting this primitive world of metaphor can one live with any repose, security, and consistency: only by means of the petrification and coagulation of a mass of images which originally streamed from the primal faculty of human imagination like a fiery liquid, only in the invincible faith in this sun, this window, this table is a truth in itself, in short, only by forgetting that he himself is an artistically creative subject, does man live with any repose, security, and consistency.

It is even a difficult thing for [man] to admit to himself that the insect or the bird perceives an entirely different world from the one that man does, and that the question of which of these perceptions of the world is the more correct one is quite meaningless, for this would have to have been decided previously in accordance with the criterion of the correct perception, which means, in accordance with a criterion which is not available. But in any case it seems to me that “the correct perception” — which would mean “the adequate expression of an object in the subject” — is a contradictory impossibility.

[…]

So far as we can penetrate here — from the telescopic heights to the microscopic depths — everything is secure, complete, infinite, regular, and without any gaps. Science will be able to dig successfully in this shaft forever, and the things that are discovered will harmonize with and not contradict each other. How little does this resemble a product of the imagination, for if it were such, there should be some place where the illusion and reality can be divined. Against this, the following must be said: if each us had a different kind of sense perception — if we could only perceive things now as a bird, now as a worm, now as a plant, or if one of us saw a stimulus as red, another as blue, while a third even heard the same stimulus as a sound — then no one would speak of such a regularity of nature, rather, nature would be grasped only as a creation which is subjective in the highest degree.

After all, what is a law of nature as such for us? We are not acquainted with it in itself, but only with its effects, which means in its relation to other laws of nature — which, in turn, are known to us only as sums of relations. Therefore all these relations always refer again to others and are thoroughly incomprehensible to us in their essence. All that we actually know about these laws of nature is what we ourselves bring to them — time and space, and therefore relationships of succession and number. But everything marvelous about the laws of nature, everything that quite astonishes us therein and seems to demand explanation, everything that might lead us to distrust idealism: all this is completely and solely contained within the mathematical strictness and inviolability of our representations of time and space. But we produce these representations in and from ourselves with the same necessity with which the spider spins. If we are forced to comprehend all things only under these forms, then it ceases to be amazing that in all things we actually comprehend nothing but these forms. For they must all bear within themselves the laws of number, and it is precisely number which is most astonishing in things. All that conformity to law, which impresses us so much in the movement of the stars and in chemical processes, coincides at bottom with those properties which we bring to things. Thus it is we who impress ourselves in this way.

We have seen how it is originally language which works on the construction of concepts, a labor taken over in later ages by science.

Just as the bee simultaneously constructs cells and fills them with honey, so science works unceasingly on this great columbarium of concepts, the graveyard of perceptions. It is always building new, higher stories and shoring up, cleaning, and renovating the old cells; above all, it takes pains to fill up this monstrously towering framework and to arrange therein the entire empirical world.

The drive toward the formation of metaphors is the fundamental human drive, which one cannot for a single instant dispense with in thought, for one would thereby dispense with man himself.

There are ages in which the rational man and the intuitive man stand side by side, the one in fear of intuition, the other with scorn for abstraction. The latter is just as irrational as the former is inartistic. They both desire to rule over life: the former, by knowing how to meet his principle needs by means of foresight, prudence, and regularity; the latter, by disregarding these needs and, as an “overjoyed hero,” counting as real only that life which has been disguised as illusion and beauty… The man who is guided by concepts and abstractions only succeeds by such means in warding off misfortune, without ever gaining any happiness for himself from these abstractions. And while he aims for the greatest possible freedom from pain, the intuitive man, standing in the midst of a culture, already reaps from his intuition a harvest of continually inflowing illumination, cheer, and redemption — in addition to obtaining a defense against misfortune. To be sure, he suffers more intensely, when he suffers; he even suffers more frequently, since he does not understand how to learn from experience and keeps falling over and over again into the same ditch. He is then just as irrational in sorrow as he is in happiness: he cries aloud and will not be consoled. How differently the stoical man who learns from experience and governs himself by concepts is affected by the same misfortunes! This man, who at other times seeks nothing but sincerity, truth, freedom from deception, and protection against ensnaring surprise attacks, now executes a masterpiece of deception: he executes his masterpiece of deception in misfortune, as the other type of man executes his in times of happiness. He wears no quivering and changeable human face, but, as it were, a mask with dignified, symmetrical features. He does not cry; he does not even alter his voice. When a real storm cloud thunders above him, he wraps himself in his cloak, and with slow steps he walks from beneath it.

The story of Pinocchio has been 

interpreted psychologically in multiple ways, including as a metaphor for childhood, 

a personality type, and a character 

with oppositional defiant disorder.

 

Pinocchio as a metaphor

• Pinocchio's wooden body symbolizes childhood, while his conscience develops to control him 
• Pinocchio's transformation from wood to a boy represents the transition from a self-centered worldview to one of service and manhood 

Pinocchio as a personality type 

The Pinocchio Syndrome is a personality type that combines characteristics of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders

Pinocchio with oppositional defiant disorder 

Pinocchio's behavior, including breaking promises, seeking adventure, and believing he can be successful without effort, are signs of oppositional defiant disorder

Pinocchio and the Pinocchio effect 

The "Pinocchio effect" is the tendency of liars to use more words than truthful people

Pinocchio and archetypes 

• Pinocchio is recognizably a boy, but he's also not really one because he's made of wood
• Archetypes, like Pinocchio, connect us to universal truths and help us understand situations

Pinocchio and self-realization 

An essay by Carl Jung on Pinocchio and self-realization notes that a lack of independence and assertiveness can lead to chronic frustration and resentment.

Generative AI

Undone

 wallpapers.com

Untie the tangled filaments of thought

floundering around in my gelatinous mind

Unleash me from the noose of my biggest fears

creeping up with the crescent moon

Unarm the troops I placed

around a flock of words almost spoken

Unbind me to the face I wear

to shield from the burn of a spotlight of stares

Untangle me, waters of Crystal Pond,

in this corner of the universe

between you and me —

wash away the grime gathering

in the crooks of my elbows,

parasites feeding off the loam off my skin,

and show me what’s left —

Undo everything I ever was

and everything I’m meant to become

and leave me strangling

just a stretch offshore

in the air I was born —

in the air I belong —

unpolluted by human complexity,

living, breathing,

undone.

Anna Y.

When Your Ideal Future Is No Longer Possible

Getty Images/iStockphoto

You are always contrasting 

two models: 

what you think is happening 

versus 

what you want to have happen.

 

You feel anxiety wherever there is a deviation — when what you want to happen is not what is happening. 

You also experience a sense of curiosity as well; you are impelled to explore. 

But anxiety surfaces first. 

The larger the magnitude of the unexpected occurrence, the greater the amount of anxiety. 

Perhaps you have three plans to get from 

the unbearable present (what is) 

to the ideal future (what should be). 

If two plans produce outcomes that are not what you envision, you still have one remaining option. Those are minor distributions that produce a certain amount of anxiety and exploratory behavior, but this becomes a matter of switching plans. 

If the third plan works, you are able to maintain the same vision of yourself and of your future. 

However, if the third plan does not work, your potential to move forward and away from the version of the unbearable present is no longer feasible. 

You have conceived yourself as a person with a set number of potentials and with a vision of the future (i.e., your story about yourself). Everything you have done up to this particular point has been predicated on the notion that your ideal future is where you are going. 

When that changes and your ideal future is no longer possible, you are cast into chaos. 

What is to be done when the events that you gave determinate significance because this particular plan has been cast into chaos? 

To mitigate anxiety and regulate your emotions, 

you must discern who you are, 

what you are to do, and 

where you are going. 

This is achieved by modifying your version of yourself. 

When a major distribution as such occurs, there must be a new ideal future. 

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson

Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan - Come Undone

Mirror Work

 

Mirror work is strange, uncomfortable, undeniably intimidating, a little embarrassing …

… but also profoundly healing.

Of all the spiritual methods of inner work available to us in the 21st century, mirror work is one of the simplest and most powerful.

Unlike many pathways to inner growth out there, you don’t have to go out and splurge large amounts of money or time.

Thankfully, mirror work is a practice that is freely available to anyone – all you need is a mirror! And nearly all of us already have access to one.

If you’re looking for a simple, practical, and deeply transformative practice that can become a daily habit of self-love, look no further than your bathroom mirror.

Note + Warning: 

Mirror work is a powerfully direct and potentially triggering practice for folks who struggle with high degrees of mental or emotional distress. Please consult your mental health carer if you’re suffering from issues such as psychosis, schizophrenia, OCD, intense anxiety or depression, grief, or NPD before doing this practice. Always take the best of care and be gentle with yourself.

What is Mirror Work?

Mirror Work was a method originally developed by inspirational teacher Louise Hay as a way of getting in touch with the inner self. The primary purpose of mirror work is to develop self-love, self-care, and a more meaningful relationship with others.

By simply looking into the mirror for a certain amount of time each day and gently talking to yourself, you can foster a more compassionate and forgiving connection with yourself.

Why It’s Normal to Feel Uneasy in Front of the Mirror

I have a challenge for you:

Go sit or stand in front of the mirror in your house for five minutes. Simply stare at yourself and hold gentle eye contact. That’s all you have to do.

Now tell me how you feel.

If you’re like most people, you’ll feel uncomfortable. You may feel awkward, unsettled, embarrassed, or emotional. You might even notice patterns of self-loathing and self-criticism arise.

Why does this happen?

As Louise Hay writes in her book Mirror Work:

The mirror reflects back to you the feelings you have about yourself. It makes you immediately aware of where you are resisting and where you are open and flowing. It clearly shows you what thoughts you will need to change if you want to have a joyous, fulfilling life.

In other words, in front of the mirror, there is no hiding. In front of the mirror, we catch an intimate (and sometimes painful) glimpse into the relationship we have with ourselves.

Mirror work can make us feel initially uneasy because it exposes our inner critic in plain daylight.

Suddenly everything we feel about ourselves that we might not be aware of comes to the surface. And if you haven’t developed a compassionate relationship with yourself, you might be prone to believing all the nastiness whispered in your ear by your inner critic.

Spiritual Awakening & Mirror Work

As a symbol of truth and clarity, mirrors are one of the most ancient and direct ways of accessing self-realization.

Some of the earliest uses of mirrors date back to Anatolia (now called Turkey) from 6,000 to 8,000 BC. These ancient mirrors were made out of obsidian, which itself is a stone symbolic of psychological purification, shadow integration, and protection.

By using a mirror to consciously access the inner layers of our being, we gently remove the blocks and untie the knots preventing our ability to grow and evolve. Indeed, mirror work can facilitate a deepening of our spiritual awakening process.

Mirror Work and Reconnecting With the Inner Child

Another reason why mirror work can make us feel uncomfortable is that it exposes the vulnerable and neglected parts of our inner selves.

After all, what better opportunity for that forgotten part to finally grab our attention than face-to-face in front of a mirror?

Most of us have numerous abandoned inner parts, but the most common one that we’re disconnected from is the inner child.

We all possess an inner child – it’s one of the many archetypes (or patterns of energy) that compose our personality structures. The inner child is the part of us that still retains a sense of childlike wonder, spontaneity, creativity, and joy.

On the other hand, our inner child also possesses many of our primal and core wounds. Thus, learning how to relate to and liberate our inner child is crucial.

Mirror work is an intensely effective way of helping us to re-establish a connection with this delicate part of ourselves.

When looking into the mirror and trying to reconnect with the inner child, it’s not unusual to feel waves of sadness wash over you. You may also experience unexpected bubbles of excitement or joy. But typically, it’s common to experience heavier and more uncomfortable emotions first.

Although this kind of mirror work can be upsetting and unpleasant at times, these feelings point to deeper work that is alchemizing at a subconscious level.

Simply gazing at yourself in the mirror and comforting your inner child can be a tremendously healing practice and a powerful form of inner child work. The more emotions you experience, the more a sacred kind of purging and transformation is happening.

Mirror Work as a Portal into Your Soul

The eyes are the mirrors to the Soul as the old saying goes, and mirror work gives you direct access to this core part of your being.

However, it’s not always possible to directly connect with your deeper Self. Most people first experience a harsh inner critic that arises and serves as a doorkeeper to the deeper psyche.

To make it past that harsh doorkeeper, you must learn to disarm it through mindfulness and self-compassion. It’s at this point where inner work practices such as self-love become vital to work through your insecurities and self-resentments.

But how do you know that you’re reconnecting with your Soul?

I can’t answer that question for everyone.

But for me, the presence of my Soul emerges when my face softens, my eyes become warmer and more compassionate, a slight smile enters my face, and a lighter form of energy fills my body. I also tend to feel like I’m being drawn inwards into an embrace.

As magical or mystical as that may sound, using mirror work as a portal to your Soul is actually quite natural. There is nothing phantasmagorical about it – it feels like returning home to the truest, most whole, and wisest part of yourself.

How to Practice Mirror Work 

(Step-By-Step Guide)

There are no official methods of doing mirror work – although you can try the 21-day practice developed by Louise Hay in her book " Mirror Work"

Sinopse of the book:

"Mirror work has long been Louise Hay’s favorite method for cultivating a deeper relationship with yourself, and leading a more peaceful and meaningful life.

The Mirror Principle, one of Louise’s core teachings, holds that our experience of life mirrors our relationship with ourselves; unless we see ourselves as loveable, the world can be a dark and lonely place.

Mirror work—looking at oneself in a mirror and repeating positive affirmations—was Louise’s powerful method for learning to love oneself and experience the world as a safe and loving place.

Each of the 21 days is organized around a theme, such as monitoring self-talk, overcoming fear, releasing anger, healing relationships, forgiving self and others, receiving prosperity, and living stress-free.

The daily program involves an exercise in front of the mirror, positive affirmations, journaling, an inspiring Heart Thought to ponder, and a guided meditation.

Packed with practical guidance and support, presented in Louise’s warmly personal words, MIRROR WORK—or Mirror Play, as she likes to call it—is designed to help

• Learn a deeper level of self-care

• Gain confidence in their own inner guidance system

• Develop awareness of their soul gifts

• Overcome resistance to change

• Boost self-esteem

• Cultivate love and compassion in their relationships with self and others

In just three weeks, you will  establish the practice of Mirror Work as a tool   for personal growth and self-care, and a path to a full, rich life.

MIRROR WORK CHAPTERS

WEEK ONE

         Loving Yourself

         Making Your Mirror Your Friend

         Monitoring Your Self-Talk

         Letting Go of Your Past

         Building Your Self-Esteem

         Releasing Your Inner Critic

 

WEEK TWO

         Loving Your Inner Child - Part One

         Loving Your Inner Child - Part Two

         Loving Your Body, Healing Your Pain

         Feeling Good, Releasing Your Anger

         Overcoming Your Fear

         Starting Your Day with Love

 

WEEK THREE

         Forgiving Yourself and Those Who Have Hurt You

         Healing Your Relationships

         Living Stress Free

         Receiving Your Prosperity

         Living Your Attitude of Gratitude

         Teaching Mirror Work to Children

         Loving Yourself Now

 

“Mirror work—looking deeply into your eyes and repeating affirmations—is the most effective method I’ve found for learning to love yourself and see the world as a safe and loving place. I have been teaching people how to do mirror work for as long as I have been teaching affirmations.

The most powerful affirmations are those you say out loud when you are in front of your mirror. The mirror reflects back to you the feelings you have about yourself.

As you learn to do mirror work, you will become much more aware of the words you say and the things you do. You will learn to take care of yourself on a deeper level than you have done before.

The more you use mirrors for complimenting yourself, approving of yourself, and supporting yourself during difficult times, the deeper and more enjoyable your relationship with yourself will become.”

 Louise Hay

Personally, I prefer to tailor mirror work to myself and my own needs. 

Here are some of the fundamental principles of mirror work that you might like to keep in mind if you want to create your own practice:

1. Use affirmations that feel authentic to you (I’ll explain this more below)
2. Dedicate at least two minutes every day
3. Do mirror work in private so that you aren’t disturbed (or feel the need to keep your guard up)
4. It’s okay to feel emotional – let yourself feel whatever comes up
5. Keep a journal where you record any notable experiences (I’ll explain this more below)

With that being said, here’s a simple step-by-step guide to mirror work that you can use and adapt to your own needs:

1. Commit yourself

Mirror work creates the deepest changes when it’s done consistently over a long period of time. I recommend dedicating a minimum of two minutes a day, with ten minutes or more being ideal.

2. Think about the best time of day

Mirror work is flexible and can work around your schedule. Most people like doing mirror work in the early morning and late at night before going to bed.

You can also do mirror work during the day as you pass mirrors. If there are no mirrors in your workplace, you can always use the selfie option on your phone (where you turn the camera towards yourself).

You can find a private spot (such as in a bathroom cubicle) to do this exercise while at work.

3. Choose or create your own affirmation

Why use affirmations, you might wonder?

Affirmations counteract the negative self-talk that runs through our heads – they also help to reprogram our minds.

When we use affirmations, we are affirming something that we like about ourselves or something positive we wish to give ourselves.

You may like to create your own affirmation spontaneously based on how you feel when you look in the mirror. For example, if you feel ugly in that moment of time, you can affirm to yourself, “I have a beautiful heart and soul” or whatever feels most authentic to you.

If you feel uncomfortable in your own presence, you can affirm, “It’s okay to feel uncomfortable, I accept myself as I am.”

Alternatively, you can choose from a list of affirmations and experiment with using one affirmation each day (or one for a week). 

Here are some examples:

• I’m learning to love you
• I’m willing to take care of you
• I love how thoughtful/caring/sincere/____ you are
• I am worthy of love
• I am enough
• I am exactly who I need to be in this moment
• It’s okay for me to feel scared
• It’s okay for me to feel sad
• It’s okay for me to feel awkward
• I love how unique my body is
• I am beautiful
• I am whole
• I lovingly embrace my fears
• I am fierce and strong
• I trust in my natural wisdom
• I am open and receptive
• I believe in myself

A note on affirmations: If you’re creating your own affirmations, please ensure that you keep them phrased in a positive way. Many practitioners who work with affirmations (such as those who study NLP) assert that the unconscious mind does not understand negatives and will translate any negatively phrased affirmation in reverse. For example, instead of saying “I am not worthless, I am worthy” say, “I am worthy.” Or instead of saying, “I will not be mean to myself” say, “I treat myself with kindness.”

Also, the point of affirmations isn’t to sugarcoat how you feel.

If you genuinely can’t say to yourself in the mirror “I love you” then don’t!

The point isn’t to be disingenuous, the point is to offer sincere love to yourself.

If an affirmation such as “I love and accept you” feels too difficult, focus on a milder affirmation such as “I am learning to love and accept you” or “I want to love and accept you more.”

4. Repeat your affirmation (with feeling)

Repeat your affirmation to yourself at least ten times, whether out loud or in your head.

Some people will recommend at least 100 times – but that can seem overwhelming when you’re just beginning this practice!

Certainly, the more you repeat your affirmation with sincerity, the deeper impact it will make. So try to set a realistic number and stick to it. You can always increase the number of times you say your affirmation while doing mirror work as you progress.

Also, when saying your affirmation, it’s important to look at yourself directly in the eyes.

You may also like to use your own name as this sends a powerful message to your unconscious. For example, you may wish to say, “I appreciate how caring you are [insert your name here]”, “I love you [insert your name here].”

5. Embrace any emotions that arise

It’s normal and okay to feel upset. If you feel the need to cry, let yourself – you’re releasing old ways of being, and that is powerful work!

You may also wish to give yourself a hug, which is also wonderfully therapeutic.

It’s highly likely that you’ll feel emotional at some point and that’s because the old frozen pain within you (that has built up through the years) is bubbling to the surface.

Sometimes the emotions we feel during mirror work are from childhood, particularly if they’re intense. If this is the case, comfort your inner child by acknowledging him/her within you as you look at the mirror. You may wish to say words such as, “It’s okay, I see you, I understand,” “I’m here for you,” “I love how brave you are little [insert name],” etc.

A note about men doing mirror work: Feeling and expressing emotions will likely be more difficult for men than for women. Why? Men are conditioned to perceive stoicism as a true measure of manliness – but the truth is that being “stoic” can sometimes be confused with emotional repression.

There’s nothing courageous about avoiding emotions. If you’re a man, you’ll need extra reassurance and compassion through this stage of the work. Have some deep and powerful affirmations on hand and the willingness to see your emotional openness as true strength.

6. Place a hand over your heart

Sometimes, mirror work can feel particularly intense. If you feel overwhelmed by any experience, you’re always free to walk away and come back to it later.

However, often what’s let through into your conscious mind is just the right amount for you to handle (that is, after all, the role of the psyche and the ego in particular).

To help you process any strong feelings and ground yourself in your body, try placing a gentle hand over your heart. This simple action helps you to remain embodied and connected with love.

You can read more about this practice in our deep listening article.

7. Record your discoveries

It’s crucial during the course of your mirror work to keep a journal.

Don’t worry about being a great writer. Ignore spelling and grammar – they’re irrelevant. The point of recording your discoveries is to help you spiritually integrate what you’ve learned.

You also don’t need to worry about writing longwinded paragraphs if that doesn’t suit you – simply write a sentence or two. Record how you feel and what thoughts, feelings, or sensations arose within you.

There’s no need to keep a mirror work journal every day, but it’s important to write in this journal when you’ve had a particularly important experience that triggered emotions or epiphanies.

By keeping a journal, you’ll be able to track your evolution and progress, having something to come back to in the future and reflect upon.

Mirror work is deceptively simple but tremendously empowering. 

So much healing work can be done by simply looking at yourself in the mirror and expressing self-loving affirmations.

One of the most amazing side benefits of mirror work is how it impacts your relationships. By learning how to love yourself more, life becomes more harmonious and your connections with others blossom and flourish.

And finally, mirror work helps to facilitate and deepen our spiritual awakening, aiding us in gaining clarity and inner illumination.

1. What part of mirror work is the most difficult for you? 
2. What epiphanies or revelations have you had?

Aletheia

in, LonerWolf